Is this normal or controlling?

[user155694647]

Hello

Please can I ask for some advice? I've been with my husband for 8 years and I don't know if things are okay between us. I was only 18 when we got together and I felt so grown up but looking back I was a bit immature. I was unhappy at my parents and just wanted to get out and we moved in together and got married very quickly. We've no kids yet.

Our life is lovely most of the time, but I had a conversation with my sister and she said some things don't seem right and she was worried about me? Sorry if one of these is TMI but this is what I told her:

• When we watched the Bake Off I said I might apply next time as I love to bake and like to think I'm good at it. He said "why do you want to do that, you wouldn't win?!" this is an example but he does say stuff like this to me fairly often
• We had a really strange start to our sex life. I'd had sex before and he said he had too, but it took us two years to sleep together. We did other stuff just not full sex, and the first few times we did he told me how shit I was at it. He wants it often now but I don't enjoy doing it that much and I always have these things in the back of my mind and I never have an orgasm because I'm so worried I'm being awful or embarassing
• He has quite a good job and earns a decent amount and doesn't like me working. I work as a nursery nurse and I love it so much so that I don't want to leave but I have gone part time but he does bug me often about when we have kids I'll have to give it up fully and he wishes I would give it up now, that he can take care of us financially and he would rather me be home. I feel guilty that I don't quit because he says other women would jump at the chance. I would like to get a degree in early childhood studies that I can do at college while I'm working but he says there's no point doing it and getting into debt when we'll have kids soon and I won't be working then
• He doesn't like drinking or going out, so we don't really. We don't have McDonalds or KFC as he doesn't like them. He looks down on people who do do those things. I do things without him sometimes but not very often as he can be a bit moody about it and for example if I go out on a Saturday things will be miserable on Sunday and he might give me silent treatment which I really hate or he'll just be grumpy about everything

My sister said he seems controlling but I think that these are just the low points and anyone else in a relationship would have similar things they could say but people just don't talk about the bad bits of their relationships in public. She said I should post on here to see what other people thought?

Sorry if this is too long or I'm just being silly x

One of two things will happen he will realise he cant control you or he will get more abusive

With men like this; only the latter happens - they may try to get with the new programme if it becomes clear they might lose their partner (captive bird) if they don't at least appear to ... But they won't actually get with the new program, because they can't. And there'll always be a kick back from them sooner or later.

This type virtually never changes, they can't, it's in their make up. No amount of being assertive changes them, it'll be one step forward, two back. I wouldn't actually advise op.to waste her time and case herself stress trying to do the above.

I would not stick around. This is incredibly controlling. He will cut you off from your family, if he believes they are going to support you leaving.
He won't let you go away for a weekend?! That would be bad enough if you did have kids but without kids, is very worrying. No adult should be in a position to "let" another adult do anything. He's trying to control you financially, emotionally, sexually and socially.

I'm sorry to say, I've seen this a number of times before. Please don't have children with him, he could well get worse. Leave quickly, without letting him know your plans. You are still young and it sounds like you have an amazing sister. Good luck OP.

This is a man who's tried to destroy his partner's self esteem around sex, is happy to have sex where she never orgasms, tries to huff her into not going out, is discouraging her from working, discouraging her from.gettjng qualifications, and trying to dictate that she stops work when they have children. He sounds very generally critical and about miserable.

Not a person to be trying to establish boundaries with and "improve" a relationship with.

*pretty miserable.

I missed out discouraging if not outright dictating that op can't go away for a weekend or a break with friends as well.

He has quite a good job and earns a decent amount and doesn't like me working. I work as a nursery nurse and I love it so much so that I don't want to leave but I have gone part time but he does bug me often about when we have kids I'll have to give it up fully and he wishes I would give it up now, that he can take care of us financially and he would rather me be home

I think you will bitterly regret having children with him. If he's like this now, it will only get worse once they come along, when he then will have you under his thumb and he feels like a king in his castle.

I would normally understand the want for a mother or father to be at full time with their kids whilst they're little, but please do not up your job. Go back to working full time. This is less about what's good for the kids and much more about his own macho pride with has NOTHING to do with your wellbeing or what's right for you. It's all about him.

he says other women would jump at the chance - not with him they wouldn't.

I would like to get a degree in early childhood studies that I can do at college while I'm working but he says there's no point doing it and getting into debt when we'll have kids soon and I won't be working then

Please do that. I don't think you'll regret it. Now's the perfect time.

if I go out on a Saturday things will be miserable on Sunday and he might give me silent treatment which I really hate or he'll just be grumpy about everything

Sometimes it's difficult to tell if someone is behaving the way they are deliberately, or if they're just expressing how they really feel, however, in his case, it's intent to have you home with him all the time so he can keep an eye on you. He doesn't like the idea of you being independent, of you having a life outside of those four walls. This behaviour is a way of making things unpleasant if you step out of line.

Also, immediately stop having sex with him. That's really important.

@HectorHalloumi

Oh God I'm normally at MNers finding red flags in a relationship. But this time I'm totally on board. He is so controlling and you are so young, you can't live like this forever and it will only get worse. Thank God you don't have children.

Run OP, run now and don't look back.

@HectorHalloumi

This.

He is supposed to be your best friend and biggest supporter. Instead he undermines you, puts you down, controls your behaviour and pressures you to do stuff you dont want to do. DO NOT HAVE KIDS with this man - you will then be linked to him for life. Get out soon, because this will only ever get worse and you deserve more.

Soory OP but no I'd run like hell.
Nobody should be telling you at your age or any age that you can't do these things. It's very controlling and very worrying.
You are a person with your own needs, wants and talents and you should be pursuing all of the things you want to do.
He will eventually erode your confidence to nothing so you are totally reliant on him and no longer a person in your own right just a shadow.

Oh lovey. This isn't for you. It isn't right. I don't like to come between two people but, you're very young, and he is, yes, someone who is more controlling than he should be, for you. It's not a good idea and you do need to just move on. And find a right person.

You need not just an ok, not just a good, not just a great, but an amazing partnership with the guy you are going to have children with. There are lots of new experiences to go through - being pregnant, giving birth, looking after a young baby and child and bringing them up. And also feeling happy and fulfilled and with an exciting future (such as going in the Bake Off! : ) There will be moments when you are extremely vulnerable and you need a really lovely person with you, who is meeting you half-way.

This guy isn't that. You must understand and accept that. You asked for advice - you're getting it. In the nicest possible way, please listen.

But you are ok here - you haven't got pregnant. Massive plus.

It's not nice, how he is. You could have a lovely man who wants you to feel ok, who cares about your feelings. Who respects your career. Who sees you as a person, who happens to be able to have babies. Not as a baby-maker, who is secondly a person.

Please listen to your family and make the break. They are seeing it, and they know. This is a really important crossroads for you. Sometimes they come up in our lives. This is literally how your next 14 years will pan out. So make that choice very very carefully.

My advice is ditch him, find a nice guy who loves you properly and who you love. Have those babies.

He is bloody awful. Thank Christ you don't have kids. You are 26 - get out there and have some fun - bet you haven't had that in years?!
Divorce him ASAP

Not RTFT but yes, loads wrong here and he is trying to trap you even more by taking away your financial independence.

Sounds like he’s got some pretty retrograde ideas about women and their place in life. For a start, not all women want to give up their job and depend on anyone else for their income. I never have and never would. A great many women combine children and a job - just like men do. Funny that. SAHMs do an amazing job, as do mums in paid employment. They bring different but equally valuable things to parenting.

I think you’d be better off getting away from him.

He is a controlling arse and the bit about your sex life is pretty disturbing - that he would tell you you are shit at sex.

Your sister is clearly worried about you and she is right to be. Get out now. Don't have sex with him anymore - and for god's sake make sure your contraception is in your control.

Think of the lovely life you have ahead of you doing what you want, hanging out with friends, doing a hobby, finishing your college course, enjoying your work, being promoted.

Even besides the controlling nastiness, it is perfectly ok to grow out of a relationship - especially one that started so young. you are still so young - get out and enjoy yourself.

Please leave, @user155694647 - he is controlling and manipulative. It will be incredibly hard to leave to begin with, and you'll wonder if you're doing the right thing, but your sister is absolutely right. Get out now while you're still young and have your whole life ahead of you

The work thing makes me sad. Why should you stop doing what you love? I think you should leave him, do the degree that you want to do and never have to wonder what if (as you inevitably would if you stayed, gave up work, etc.). You have plenty of time ahead of you to find someone else, have your own children, etc. Hopefully with someone who supports you.

And being miserable the day after you go out?! Controlling and manipulative.

Yes your sister is right. Get rid without further ado.

Your sister is right, please don't have kids with him. He will grind you down, you'll have a horrible life with him.

Absolute he’s controlling. Your sister is right. Get away from him asap

This behaviour is really concerning. Yes, he is trying to control you and bully you and manipulate you. If you leave your job and have kids with him you will be trapped. Get out as soon as you find the strength to. Good luck

He wants to keep you at home, isolated, and without the freedom of having your own money. Please don't let that happen. If you get pregnant with this guy you're going to be facing a life sentence.

He is incredibly controlling.

Nobody deserves to be treated like that ....
Imagine you have a daughter OP, and she comes to you as a young married woman and tells you exactly what you've told us. What advice would you give her?
I personally had a very similar relationship (not marriage thank fuck) , very controlling, always putting me down. Destroyed my mental health. I only left when I caught him cheating.
There is a big wide beautiful world out there waiting for you. Go for it, fly and be happy 😊

Run. And please do your degree. It’s so much easier pre children to work and study. I think you would love it. Please don’t give up work and your financial independence. You are going to need that money should you choose to leave. Which I’m hoping you will.
I’ve been with DH for 20 years. In that time I’ve had 3 holidays (including to New Zealand) and plenty of nights away from him. That’s normal. Your sister is spot on.

There are red flags all over this

He IS controlling, if you are happy with that, and at some point he will also start to distance you from your family, then that’s your choice ,

Me, I would be going back full time, telling him I am going to study, and kicking him out

You sister Is right please don’t have children with him leave him and do your degree
Going through something similar with my dd who is 19 and in a controlling relationship really wish she would listen to people so listen to your sister it must of taken a lot for her to approach you about it