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Original poster

Is this normal or controlling?

167 replies

user155694647 · 13/04/2021 18:35

Hello

Please can I ask for some advice? I've been with my husband for 8 years and I don't know if things are okay between us. I was only 18 when we got together and I felt so grown up but looking back I was a bit immature. I was unhappy at my parents and just wanted to get out and we moved in together and got married very quickly. We've no kids yet.

Our life is lovely most of the time, but I had a conversation with my sister and she said some things don't seem right and she was worried about me? Sorry if one of these is TMI but this is what I told her:

  • When we watched the Bake Off I said I might apply next time as I love to bake and like to think I'm good at it. He said "why do you want to do that, you wouldn't win?!" this is an example but he does say stuff like this to me fairly often
  • We had a really strange start to our sex life. I'd had sex before and he said he had too, but it took us two years to sleep together. We did other stuff just not full sex, and the first few times we did he told me how shit I was at it. He wants it often now but I don't enjoy doing it that much and I always have these things in the back of my mind and I never have an orgasm because I'm so worried I'm being awful or embarassing
  • He has quite a good job and earns a decent amount and doesn't like me working. I work as a nursery nurse and I love it so much so that I don't want to leave but I have gone part time but he does bug me often about when we have kids I'll have to give it up fully and he wishes I would give it up now, that he can take care of us financially and he would rather me be home. I feel guilty that I don't quit because he says other women would jump at the chance. I would like to get a degree in early childhood studies that I can do at college while I'm working but he says there's no point doing it and getting into debt when we'll have kids soon and I won't be working then
  • He doesn't like drinking or going out, so we don't really. We don't have McDonalds or KFC as he doesn't like them. He looks down on people who do do those things. I do things without him sometimes but not very often as he can be a bit moody about it and for example if I go out on a Saturday things will be miserable on Sunday and he might give me silent treatment which I really hate or he'll just be grumpy about everything

My sister said he seems controlling but I think that these are just the low points and anyone else in a relationship would have similar things they could say but people just don't talk about the bad bits of their relationships in public. She said I should post on here to see what other people thought?

Sorry if this is too long or I'm just being silly x

OP posts:
Kenshi · 13/04/2021 19:30

Some men just love to control women, it makes then feel powerful even though they're not.
Untilamately OP, only you have control over what you'll do with your life. So you need to ask yourself, what do you want from it? Do you want to feel as if you can't do things you want to do, because someone who apparently loves you won't let you?

Shoxfordian · 13/04/2021 19:31

Listen to your sister
He’s very controlling

RusholmeRuffian · 13/04/2021 19:31

Listen to your sister. She sounds like she had totally got your back. Get out before it sees worse and definitely do not have children with this man!

billy1966 · 13/04/2021 19:32

Your sister is right.

Thank God you don't have children with him.

Women's Aid will give you advice if you call.

Get out and don't ruin your life by staying with this controlling, abusive man.

Flowers
Notaroadrunner · 13/04/2021 19:38

Can you stay with your sister for a while until you can afford to get back on your feet? You know you need to leave him. Imagine another 40-50 years with this controlling bully - you do not have to put up with him for another day, let alone years. Keep your job, ask if you can go full time and ask your sister or another family member if you can stay with them. Just get the hell away from him and do not get pregnant by him.

Aimee1987 · 13/04/2021 19:41

Mirror what everyone else is saying massive red flags. Hes trying to isolate you and that will be easier once hes convinced you to give up your job and at home with kids and have no income.

Dragongirl10 · 13/04/2021 19:41

totally controlling, and nasty with it. Leave you have your whole life ahead of you. Go to college or uni, do your dream job full time, go on holiday, go to concerts with friends, flat share...live your life not this excuse for one.

PlumKetchup · 13/04/2021 20:05

Yes, these are all classic signs of controlling behaviour. Negging you so that you lose confidence. The silent treatment whenever you do something he doesn't like (or even when you don't) Encouraging you to give up work so that you will then be financially dependent on him. Please listen to your sister. I met a similar man and began a relationship with him at a time when I was very vulnerable. It was the worst mistake of my life. Keep working and look into doing that degree - don't let him make you believe you aren't capable. Leave him - you are worth far more than this.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/04/2021 20:10

At the very least, insist on taking your degree, keep working and don't have children until after you graduate. Your sister is right.

-- If it were me, I would divorce him now but you might want to wait until you get a degree and can support yourself. Don't have children with him at all. He will use them to tie you down.

CallMeCleo · 13/04/2021 20:10

He says you cannot spend even one night away with your own sister.

You are 26. This could be your life for the next 50-60 years.

He's toxic. Run while you still have the chance.

FASDE1517 · 13/04/2021 20:12

Very, very controlling. You need to get out and DO NOT have children with him. This will escalate. I assume you're ready to hear that this is abusive as you've asked on here, in which case I'd recommend the Freedom Programme. He shows classic signs of several of the 'characters'.

DoingItMyself · 13/04/2021 20:16

Make sure you can't get pregnant - don't depend on him for contraception, he's going to want to make you pregnant as soon as he thinks you might leave.

You might think you've invested too much in this relationship to leave. Don't . You've done a lot of growing up in your eight years with him, and you can now see this isn't a healthy relationship. Don't raise it with him, observe and think about it if you don't want to jump ship immediately. Now that you're aware, it will all fall into place.

LostwithJin · 13/04/2021 20:17

Run! Run as fast as you can!
It will only get worse if you stay and submit to his ideas.

Doona · 13/04/2021 20:17

Oof. No. This isn't right. It's fine to go away for the night with your sister. You're not a prisoner.

birdglasspen · 13/04/2021 20:20

The bad bits in my marriage are that his work means he isn't at home much, he can be a bit lazy on days off....but then he works 12-16 hours a day so... I'm allowed to work (or not), I can go out with friends (he's rather I did it more!!), he never says mean things to me, we have normal sex and he never complains...I'm afraid your DH sounds like a dick. He doesn't treat you well and it would never be up to him if you want to work or socialise or have a KFC! We are both allowed to go away on our own or with friends, really bizarre of him to say that...but then he sounds extremely controlling and I think you need to start looking for help to leave relationship. I'm sorry you've ended up in this it isn't a healthy relationship - they involve trust, wanting the other partner to further themselves/be happy in their work, not imposing your own ideas on them

user143677433 · 13/04/2021 20:21

Your sister is right.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 13/04/2021 20:24

You never orgasm when you have sex with him? That is so awful and selfish of him. How dare he say you are bad at sex when it is clearly him who is utterly useless. Get away from this gaslighting negging turd of a man. You're married so half the assets are yours, so leave, do your degree and live your one precious life to the fullest, and not as some little house mouse to a man who doesn't treasure you and just wants to use you.

MarshmallowAra · 13/04/2021 20:25

There's a term "starter marriage", this could be your starter marriage. The one you get into v young (possibly too young) and learn important things in (like what a good relationship is and isn't).

This definitely shouldn't be your "for life marriage".

If you have kids with this man, you'll be trapped - either for years (if you get too miserable) or permanently.

You're still young.

He got you very young and, it sounds, like eager to get out of home/get away. Vulnerable, arguably.

What he did re sex was horrible, made me pretty angry to read that. Noone decent would ever say something like that, even if they weren't happy with their partners sexual style/behaviour etc - they'd just try to improve it or, in the extreme, they'd end the relationship if they really thought the sex was crap and the person couldn't change and they were incompatible. He's hardly such a martyr that he didn't - sounds more like an absolutely horrible attempt to wreck someone's self esteem re sex ..
Maybe to cast light off their own performance, maybe to make them think other people wouldn't be impressed and that they're "lucky" their partner is with them.

All the other stuff - who the fk automatically gives up work nowadays when they have children? If someone really really wants to do that of their own accord that's one thing - but you love your work and would like to get qualified in it. If he has decent, real care for a partner he'd encourage you, not decree or assume you'd give up work, and discourage you from getting qualified.

Very very controlling person.

Also sounds horrendously boring tbh.

MarshmallowAra · 13/04/2021 20:28

Make sure you can't get pregnant - don't depend on him for contraception, he's going to want to make you pregnant as soon as he thinks you might leave.

This.

Make sure you are protected against pregnancy while you're still having sex (in which he apparently makes no effort to help you orgasm and is happy with you not having one) with him.

SpeedRunParent · 13/04/2021 20:31

Thank your lucky stars that you haven't yet had children. A good relationship would be so much better than this. Get out of there and give yourself the chance of a good life. Being a bit skint after you leave him will be temporary, a life of misery will be permanent if you stay.
So many red flags, it will get so much worse the longer it goes on.

tootiredtospeak · 13/04/2021 20:32

Yes he is controlling even if its only subtle. You need to practise being more assertive and see how he behaves if you do want to stay with him starting with your job. What would happen if you said you want to do the college course before you have children and will always want to work. You need to make this clear now that you wont be giving up work when you have children. He doesn't get to decide your life and no amount of sulking can force you. If he silks go out again and tell him you are doing it as he is ignoring you. One of two things will happen he will realise he cant control you or he will get more abusive. Keep talking to your sister dont hide how he is you are doing nothing wrong.

MarshmallowAra · 13/04/2021 20:33

How dare he say you are bad at sex when it is clearly him who is utterly useless.

Yeah this reminds me of the blackly funny scene in "Wish you were here" when Jesse Birdsall's character has two second pumping sex with the main female character (player by Emily Lloyd I think) and then tells her "you'll get better at it" or words to that effect.

emmetgirl · 13/04/2021 20:34

Yes he is controlling. Sounds like you're only in your mid 20s, get out now! Seriously he will only get worse as he gets older.

gamerchick · 13/04/2021 20:36

Double down on contraception so you don't get pregnant and think about escaping this person.

RandomMess · 13/04/2021 20:37

He is awful, run for the hills he will get worse once he gets you pregnant.

He wants you barefoot and pregnant and dependent on him

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