Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

[SpringlikeBunk]

Come ye all!

I have accepted that a career as an Instagram influencer is not going to work out for me - no-one needs to know how to look like a real life middle aged Velma Dinkley!

@VanGoghsDog

There's a collection of admirers for every female look - I think there's definitely a gap in the market for "village hiking normcore".

I haven't and am not aiming to get married, but some of the most stable and productive couples and relationships and social groups I know of are ones where it's not really looks based and they've met based on good joint careers and interests.

I remember going through the spectrum of self-loathing as a younger women, and looking back on my experiences even though I was a bit geeky and awkward, I had plenty of decent male attention popping up.

I just wanted the guys who were attracted to women who didn't look like me to make some point!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Mayzee If you get on well in person maybe not worth throwing this one out?

He actually sounds the ideal FWB to have "on-call" if things don't progress - a great "surface" interaction.

Have you discussed exclusivity etc? What's his relationship history? Has he got any social plans for lockdown easing he could include you in or do together? Like a night away or a date out etc.

If he isn't keen, then I'd definitely think about scheduling in getting back on the apps, even just to meet people and have chats and not have intimacy.[/quote]
@SpringlikeBunk he has no plans ever. I arrange everything and it’s getting tiresome. We have never had the next meeting arranged more than a day or 2 in advance.
It’s definitely FWB territory but I don’t want that. I want dates out, weekends away, nights in each other’s places, extending our time together to more than a few hours.
We haven’t discussed exclusivity, we haven’t discussed anything of substance! He was married for about 15 years, split over 4 years ago and lived abroad until last Autumn, had one relationship while abroad but don’t know how serious.

He has come to mine 3 times this year -and we’ve had a couple of coffees if I happen to be in his town and that’s the extent of our contact. Don’t get me wrong, he is lovely, so polite...nearly too much so...very attractive to me, I just have a clue how he views our ‘thing’ and up to now I felt it was too early to ask or get too heavy. But now I need to know if I’m wasting my time because what I might be viewing as the slow start to a relationship, he is happily viewing as fwb

@VanGoghsDog "No way am I letting a load of internet randoms be able to find out where I work"

Quite - and the threat to you is considerably greater than the threat to me, hence me not being worried about internet randoms. Although if I stop to think about it for too long, I can suffer a huge wave of cringe that my profile is out there and someone may well be going 'shit a brick ... no way' as they swipe left on me.

@Mayzee, I don't suggest this lightly because I like to try to be positive but could Mr TG be hiding anything? Have you been to his ? Do you talk on the phone spontaneously ?

So according to photo feeler I look more smart and trustworthy than attractive. Which is all very well, but not ideal for OLD 😐
I have an unusual first name for this country and if you Google it + my town you'll find out just about everything about me, including the website my ex created for our house. Which I still live in. With my ex. So not really worried about personal safety and I don't really tend to attract stalkers or nutters so I'm not too worried. After all, I'm smart and unattractive so I should be fine 😅

mayzee you're going to have to have the "what is this" conversation, aren't you? If he doesn't know your concerns he can't address them. And it could take things to the next level or free you up to look elsewhere.

I'm also more smart and trustworthy than attractive, especially the trustworthy apparently. I think men vote us low on there!

Yeah, my smart and trustworthy scores are higher than attractive. I am smart and trustworthy, but how anyone can tell from a photo....oh, yeah, I wear glasses, that'll be it :)

To be honest, I skip through scoring other people to get karma for my scores, I'm not taking much notice so I doubt anyone else is either.

It's a bit depressing to be "below average" attractiveness though.

I suspect glasses, no make up, short straight brown bobbed hair......and also I didn't limit the voters to around my age, so a load of twenty year olds voting on their granny!

@Onesmallstep67 I don’t think so but who knows! I’ve never been to his because he lives with his parents - when we first met he told me it was temporary as he was just home from abroad and his dad was also taking care of his mum who has Alzheimer’s. But he has never again mentioned moving out.
Or I could be the most naive idiot falling for a lie! We do live in adjacent small towns where it would be very easy for me to check his story out and I know where he works, where his kids go to school, where his ex works as that has all come up in conversations. We have never spoken on the phone however!
@WeWantTheFinestWines you are right I fear - the conversation is needed
I am a confrontation avoider which doesn’t help!

@Mayzee

It does sound like a chat or a few questions might be in order at some point?

I did flag up you've said he's very charming/nice/polite?

I do think there's a certain type who is like that - very good "soft" social skills, very charming, you feel great chemistry easily,

So it feels worth keeping them around, as if you meet you just ease into their company straight away - but in terms of what they're bringing to your life, very little!

It's the way they operate though - they're charming so they don't really feel they have to contribute much?

My long term reliable male friends (and MrC may be added to that list at some point) can be a bit rough and uncouth at times, but they're doers not talkers.

I probably wouldn't do this as it's sneaky, but I wonder how he'd react if you said you were stressed and needed support or to talk on the phone or him to come for a coffee and a chat or if you needed an urgent DIY job doing?

As I guess that's something you'd want in someone you were seriously dating.

It sounds frustrating @Mayzee and you're not getting what you want from it.. which is never good for the heart or soul

So, MrDecorator still chatting and still not connected the dots that I have said yes to meeting for coffee and no to him coming to my house for coffee - the dots being: he needs to just suggest somewhere to meet. It's not hard. Beginning to think he's a bit of a twit.

MrAppButterfly, conversation went like this:

(after a bit of chatting over the preceding days)
Mon: him: it would be nice to go for a walk with you some time
Mon: Me: that would be nice , where do you walk?
Mon: him: wherever you like (c10pm)
Tue: Me: That's vague. When are you free? (8pm)
Wed: him: Whenever you like, though I work 9-5 (c9pm)
Wed: Me: Me too, though later sometimes, how about Friday after work? (10pm)
Fri: him: I'm not sure when. Too late today (c7pm)
Fri: me: I need someone a bit more dynamic, good luck with your search
Fri: him: Gosh (c8pm)
Him: I'm quite happy to walk with you tomorrow (c8pm)
Him: I guess not then (c9pm - bearing in mind I'd waited two days for a reply previously!)
Me: "quite happy" does not convey much enthusiasm. I am quite happy to stay at home and do my laundry.
Him: Okay, I will say this to better convey my enthusiasm...I think about you and would really love to meet you. I'd much rather spend the day with you than a laundry basket.

Lol!

People can be so.....odd!

Anyway, I suppose I ought to reply. I'm actually busy tomorrow anyway.

MrNose has agreed to stay on Tinder to chat not move to WA yet, so I need to follow up with him. It's all feeling like too much of a chore currently.

Just got off the phone with a potential iron who is now a no. He went on and on and on about his ex even though it's been over a year since they broke up. He still has the valentine's card and gifts she gave him and had to show me them. Said what went wrong in the relation etc.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Just got off the phone with a potential iron who is now a no. He went on and on and on about his ex even though it's been over a year since they broke up. He still has the valentine's card and gifts she gave him and had to show me them. Said what went wrong in the relation etc.

Oh dear. That's sad for him but a total waste of time for you! Sorry 😞

Argh feeling the dating “burn” a bit here - will be working all weekend (and still behind) and need to pretty up for my holiday - I know once I meet my irons I’ll be energised but part of me wants to curl up with a book in leggings and just chill the fuck out.

I'd much rather spend the day with you than a laundry basket.

Is this what OLD has become?

I thought I was on a bit of a roll - I've been chatting to 10 matches on Tinder this week, and 13 on Hinge. But most haven't replied in the last couple of days so will soon be deleted. I was getting on really well with one of them, and yesterday she suggested meeting at the weekend, so we confirmed details yesterday afternoon. Then late last night she messaged to say she'd just found out she had to work at the weekend, so couldn't make it.

So either she's had a better offer, or works 24/7 and would never have any free time to see me. Or maybe she checked out my other photos, and decided I'm no longer smart enough. Either way, that's not what I'm after, so another one to add to the delete pile. It's just such a tedious waste of time :-(

And bizarrely, I'm getting likes and matches on Tinder and Hinge, but absolutely none on Bumble - maybe one like every few days, but no one I would swipe on.

Thanks for the thoughts above - definitely going to meet the guy with no previous LTRs - I'll call him MrP. He messages goodnight every evening and is coming to my city next Saturday to meet.
I have another couple of possibilities, one who is mostly too busy to message for a couple of days at a time, a teacher, who steps in on his childfree weekends to help taxi his teenage sons around- I think he's just too unavailable. And another who has his children most weekends but not in the week. More chemistry, as much as you can tell with messages, from this last one.

I think you should stick with the laundry basket @VanGoghsDog... sounds like it wouldn’t be so much hard work...

You've got to love how silly some people are - arranged a date for today with someone who then said he had to work so cancelled - fine - carried on regular texting - this morning he says he's having a lie in with a cuppa - I ask what time he starts and says he has the weekend off - show him his message cancelling and now is saying he was joking and is working - yeah right mate!! A good laugh to start the weekend off!!

@Letthefunandgamesstart Don't you just hate liars, why couldn't he just say the real reason for cancelling.
I'm thinking he might have another date lined up but is keeping you in the background in case it doesn't work out.

@Shayelle2009

I think you should stick with the laundry basket *@VanGoghsDog*... sounds like it wouldn’t be so much hard work...

Bizarrely I said I was busy this morning walking and he just said "enjoy your walk". He appears to be unaware that afternoons and evenings exist. And he's really not stepped up the dynamism!

[quote SortingItOut]@Letthefunandgamesstart Don't you just hate liars, why couldn't he just say the real reason for cancelling.
I'm thinking he might have another date lined up but is keeping you in the background in case it doesn't work out.[/quote]
Yes I think another date and called him out - he's now saying he's going through a hard time - aren't we all mate!!

@Letthefunandgamesstart I'd just ignore him now and block if he persists.

You are better than this, you don't need to keep talking to a liar.

@VanGoghsDog you've asked for more dynamism and he's completely failed to deliver - I'd say no thanks and mean it this time, else in 6 weeks or 6 months you'll still be trying to pull him along with you.