Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

[SpringlikeBunk]

Come ye all!

@SpringlikeBunk I did wonder why I should trust the opinion of people who spend their time rating people on photo sites, but actually you're encouraged to vote on others when you upload yours, so hopefully it's mostly other fairly normal people doing it. You can also specify the sex and age range of who you want to view your photos, so you'll only get feedback from people within your target range.

I know what you mean about the photo quality - I generally assume profiles are fake if the shots are too good.

Mr Haircut has finally asked if I want to meet for a coffee next week - which is good - I was wondering how long we were going to chitchat. Either find a pub garden between us or an evening walk. Wish we could go inside at the mo - I’d really like to just plonk my bottom down indoors , have a drink and relaxing chat but anyhow .
Just looking for somewhere in between us or he said he’d come to my neck of the woods.
So - this will be my second ever date from OLD. Let’s hope it’s better than my first one was

I’ve tried to do detective work but only have a first name and job type - I’ve tried google but nothing.
I get a good vibe though.

I think I'd agree with @SpringlikeBunk, wouldn't take the site too seriously myself. The people rating are not likely to be representative of folks at large, there's self selection of people who join a photo rating site. They probably have higher Instragram type standards regardless.

If we ignore that, it's also the case that these are only averages. What it might be nicer to know is if there are any people (at least 1 ) who rated you as attractive and how many rather than a simple averaging out. Having said that, I haven't looked closely enough to know whether it does actually do that.

Yay, to the video chat with Mr Bookworm @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards. That'll be something lovely to focus on after a busy and uncomfortable week.
@City754, do the light, friendly check in and see what response you get. As Dude says, no response, well that's an answer in itself and anything else you can judge accordingly. If he's just ' Hi, yeah, all still busy here ' then I would be tempted to play my hand and say ' yes, I understand. Well just wanted to let you know I really enjoyed our contact and if things ease up at some point it'd be lovely to see you again' and then the ball is firmly in his court, the door is open should it suit you at the time if/when he comes back.

@Onesmallstep67

Yay, to the video chat with Mr Bookworm *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards*. That'll be something lovely to focus on after a busy and uncomfortable week. *@City754, do the light, friendly check in and see what response you get. As Dude* says, no response, well that's an answer in itself and anything else you can judge accordingly. If he's just ' Hi, yeah, all still busy here ' then I would be tempted to play my hand and say ' yes, I understand. Well just wanted to let you know I really enjoyed our contact and if things ease up at some point it'd be lovely to see you again' and then the ball is firmly in his court, the door is open should it suit you at the time if/when he comes back.

Indeed, @Onesmallstep67. 🙂 chatting to him does make me feel better 😘

@DudeFromThatLondon Thanks DFL, I’m pretty certain he will reply as he always did & he’s been liking some stuff on my FB recently (yes I’m aware that actually means fu** all & makes me sound 12!). So yes I’m sure he’ll reply, but it could just be a polite short response/not carrying on chat....& there will be my answer!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]**@City754* I'd agree with @Onesmallstep67* - does it do you any harm to just keep him floating around?

Can you start meeting others as you are clearly single, but stay friendly/stay in touch?

Good luck @Dancerinthemoonlight

I'm not sure I'd trust the photo site tbh! though I might use it for a laugh.

I think by definition I wouldn't be attracted to the kind of person who rated photos on sites like that

(would it not be teenagers and people who live online - I use Twitter for some work and there's a lot of random men who live around the world and just like looking at photos of women and call themselves "netizens" - I really don't want to meet or date them or impress them!)

and for me a profile photo doesn't have to be really good or Instagram quality. In fact, too staged shots make me a bit Recent and accurate is the main thing.

If the person looks "fine" and vaguely my type, and also the overall tone of the profile is fine I'll meet them if possible.[/quote]
@SpringlikeBunk thanks for response SLB, no, no harm to have him floating around/still there in the background. That’s actually better than me ‘closing the door’ if he doesn’t want to/is unable to meet just now......
Single yes, had been for 4.5 years pre meeting this person, so I’m expecting another 4.5 years! Was only ever on 1 paid site for short time, met him, both came off site & don’t feel ready to try again just yet......

@Onesmallstep67

Yay, to the video chat with Mr Bookworm *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards*. That'll be something lovely to focus on after a busy and uncomfortable week. *@City754, do the light, friendly check in and see what response you get. As Dude* says, no response, well that's an answer in itself and anything else you can judge accordingly. If he's just ' Hi, yeah, all still busy here ' then I would be tempted to play my hand and say ' yes, I understand. Well just wanted to let you know I really enjoyed our contact and if things ease up at some point it'd be lovely to see you again' and then the ball is firmly in his court, the door is open should it suit you at the time if/when he comes back.

@Onesmallstep67 that’s a great approach, thank you! Yes, do a friendly check in........then definitely play my hand/be honest.........then I’ll feel better as I’ve at least let him know how I feel........& if he feels same/life becomes easier then who knows.........A much better idea than my steam rolling in asking to meet....!

Gara use LinkedIn along with your search on Google...as it Tony, London, builder, LinkedIn.

It should bring up his surname then without you visiting his page. Once you have that you can do further stalking 🙂

I do normally ask for surname now tbough directly, I'd rather know the person isn't a catfish and can be checked out as telling the truth.

If nothing to hide they don't mind.

I generally find first name job title location brings stuff up.

Had quite a few from POF a few years ago who just were really blatantly lying - so say they worked in admin in a firm that did building work, they would say they were an architect?

Or age difference lies of 10-15 years so really significant.

Or one guy who did some sort of benefits assessment related to health who said he was actually a consultant psychologist seconded to the government.

I'm not a cradle snatcher, but in my mid-thirties, I think something about guys in their 40s seems to bring out the fantasists, I've found the guys a bit below my age to be more honest? Guys exactly my age don't even seem to exist online!

Note to self: fake name, fake occupation.

Lol @HairyArsedMan its the blatant lying that's silly and I'm sure you don't do that!

It's just a waste of everyone's time?

I retrained and was a mature student so I'm sure there were LOADS of guys who wanted to match with someone a bit more financially established who dismissed me - but lying and pretending I was senior in industry would just be stupid!

Ditto with the 10-15 year age gaps. I look good for my age (or think I do), and yes I do get attention from younger men, but why lie?

Yeah I'm kidding, I'm happy to volunteer all that information. I found it funny, this peek behind the curtain, as it conjures up thoughts of an arms race in terms of information hiding.

@bangheadhere40 - yep tried all that. I’ve done reverse google image too on his photos - nothing came up - but then I tried reverse google image on some of my pics and nothing came up either.

(My first date Mr S was easy to find. He told me where he worked and I found him instantly. He was very senior too so that was easier. On LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook etc )

I’ve suggested a pub where we can sit for a drink outside - just need to book a table online - so that’s alright - as opposed to an evening walk on an isolated country path!

@City754 - sounds like you're good to go then. It's more when I did it I hadn't factored in the possibility of getting no answer. But it's fine. C'est la vie. Good luck!

This thread is getting very active in the actual dating part I have no plans for the weekend so I’m very envious.
I’m in a funny old headspace at the moment, I don’t know if it’s fomo, boredom or actual dissatisfaction with Mr TG but I think I want to check the apps or connect with Mr BlueEyes for some excitement in my life. But I recognise that is self destructive and unfair so I won’t.

But I’m wondering if it’s a sign that I’m at the end of the road with him. The positives are he messages every day, is witty and intelligent with a dry humour that I really like and on the rare occasions when we do meet, we get on brilliantly. The negatives though are a lot! His living situation, his lack of initiative re meeting up, he never wants to stay over so I feel like he treats our get togethers as a hookup, he’s very closed - I am wary of opening up to him because I feel like he doesn’t want me to and doesn’t want to open up to me so all of our interactions are very surface-y iykwim, I know very little about him as a result.

I’ve been ignoring the negatives because of lockdown as all of our situations have been difficult but it’s hard after 5 months to still feel a bit like strangers. I know I need to ask him, but I don’t even know what I want to ask him! Also because we hardly ever see each other, when we do I just want to chat and have a drink and a nice time together and I forget all the downsides. I feel like getting excited to see him, being happy to see his messages pop up are signs I’m not fully at the break it off stage but I want more than he can possibly offer so don’t know what to do 🤷‍♀️

All opinions welcome

@City754

Hello, I had posted before about this but think? it’s maybe under another username....

So, the short version is......met someone last year on OD, all going well/great.......together 4ish months then lockdown 2 happened. We were a long distance relationship, he had children & a parent with terminal illness......He was really struggling with situ......contact lessened........I continued to send light friendly supportive check ins occasionally........Always replied, but replies got shorter etc etc.......

So, last contact was few months ago. We are still ‘friends’ on FB & I see from posts his life is still pretty hectic looking after parent etc etc.......

Eg I know he still has a lot on his plate.

My question is-I had been contemplating reaching out to him, just once, & asking if wants to meet, when we can.......but if he doesn’t no hard feelings etc etc......

But I’m now thinking I either shouldn’t contact at all or should just send a ‘check in message.

Thing is I would rather know 100% that there is no point in me having the occasional day dream about us getting together again! And I feel if I send just a check in message I’ll be no further forward. But if I suggest meeting & he says no, then that’s crystal clear.

So I suppose what I’m asking is do I-:
Not contact at all
Suggest meeting when we can.....
Send just a light friendly check in/thinking of you message

I don’t want to be like a limpet obv!

Wise opinions welcome please, thank you.xx

I'd phone him. You can't have important discussions like that by text.

My ex really pissed me off by trying to have that exact discussion by text. An adult in a relationship should be able to speak to their partner. The fact he tried to initiate that by text led to me saying "let's just call it a day", whereas with a conversation we could have explored things more. But I really felt he was being idiotic just texting like me that and I don't want to date an idiot.

@TheCatWithTheHat

The photo feeler site can be pretty hard, but they do moderate/limit the feedback so you won't get any nasty comments. I found it useful for seeing which of my photos was the best, and also seeing what I could improve.

E.g., the selfie in a mirror had lots of comments saying they didn't like selfies, in my highest ranking pic most of the comments said I should smile more and also not be so close up or intense.

Also my outfit made a difference too. Wearing a suit = trustworthy score of 7.6, leather jacket = 5.7! I guess that's down to all the bad boys wearing leather jackets

I can't see any comments on mine, thank God.

But I've got nowhere near those scores. Depressingly, I am apparently more attractive yet less smart and trustworthy in a photo where you can't actually see my face as I have hair blowing all over it. :)

[quote DudeFromThatLondon]@City754 - sounds like you're good to go then. It's more when I did it I hadn't factored in the possibility of getting no answer. But it's fine. C'est la vie. Good luck![/quote]
@DudeFromThatLondon I’ve got that option factored/sitting alongside the short, polite reply! Thanks for your GL 😊

@Mayzee If you get on well in person maybe not worth throwing this one out?

He actually sounds the ideal FWB to have "on-call" if things don't progress - a great "surface" interaction.

Have you discussed exclusivity etc? What's his relationship history? Has he got any social plans for lockdown easing he could include you in or do together? Like a night away or a date out etc.

If he isn't keen, then I'd definitely think about scheduling in getting back on the apps, even just to meet people and have chats and not have intimacy.

I've found the comments now.....er......thanks for that! Most comments are around lack of smile or smile looking forced (yeah well, we're not all like those women who laugh at salads all the time!).

@VanGoghsDog Thanks & I agree important topics are best dealt with by a call rather than messaging. However.....I know (or did know) he wasn’t/isn’t in a very good head space.........he still had lots going on with children, elderly parent now living with him.....So I feel a text would be fairer & not ambushing him/putting him on the spot & we can take (if anything....) it from that initial contact.......

@HairyArsedMan

Note to self: fake name, fake occupation.

I have a fake name and a fake occupation. No way am I letting a load of internet randoms be able to find out where I work. Especially as it's a beach if govt abc we have a very strict policy on telling people where we work! Also, because I go also run my own consultancy, they could find me on LinkedIn, find my consultancy name, go to companies house website and find my address. Which is way too much information for some bloke I've never met.

@VanGoghsDog

lol it sounds like hell, switch it off!

I grew up at the cusp of social media stuff, so people a bit younger than me are into it (or even make careers out of it)

And there is SUCH a big difference between social media internet attractiveness and having decent mainstream attractiveness.

It's what @DudeFromThatLondon said about attracting "one" person who is genuine and decent and local and can meet and is at your level.

Or even two or three if you want to be wild!

But not 2500000 upvotes or 1567 flattering comments, often mainly from a guy in "insert random country you don't even live in so can't meet" here.

(Unless you're aiming to make a new career as an Instagram influencer or something similar).