Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being made a fool of?

335 replies

MoonfacedMilksop · 09/04/2021 18:36

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

OP posts:
jannyapple · 10/04/2021 15:30

@BluebellsGreenbells exactly what you said !
Cheeky bitch Angry

Cam2020 · 10/04/2021 15:32

What a bitch. I'd happily accept my friend's kind offer of her 'hovel', rent free than homelessness.

I agree eith PPs suggesting that she's both jealous and embarrassed about her situation. I'd probably message her and say:
On reflection it was probably wasn't the best plan to put you up in my hovel. You're obviously really uncomfortable hiding in there, so probably best that you find somewhere else so I can get on with making it habitable without inconveniencing you. Tomorrow ok for you?

Allwokedup · 10/04/2021 15:33

@Cam2020 message is spot on. Op please stick up for yourself.

Bertiebassetsbabe · 10/04/2021 15:37

I agree with Cam2020.

What a lovely thing for you to do and what a shitty thing for her to do.

She’d be vacating my properly sharpish.

wetwiped · 10/04/2021 15:59

People are so very disappointing at times.

I'm sorry to hear you went through a traumatic time OP and I hear your concerns about all the very personal things you have shared with this person but you cannot let that lead you to allowing her to treat you this way. You deserve better.

Tell her, face to face preferably, you heard the conversation first hand, how it has made you feel. Then tell her to leave. She has shown her true colours. You've been nothing but a good friend.

2bazookas · 10/04/2021 16:07

Text her " Workmen need access, sorry you have to go asap".

MoonfacedMilksop · 10/04/2021 16:16

I went round earlier to find her in absolute floods of tears and barely able to string a sentence together (through being upset, not drink or drugs or anything like that). I’m not going to kick her out. I think she’s actually having a proper breakdown or something, I don’t really know what to do. I’ve left an answerphone message for her mum - her dad kind of disowned her after she came out as bisexual a few years ago. I think her mum has kind of always wanted to keep contact though, has always treated me as a second daughter and often asks how F is getting on.

I’m sure it looks like I’m coming across as a pushover and maybe I am. I’d still rather do that than risk deeply hurting a friend who is clearly going through a very tough time.

OP posts:
grapewine · 10/04/2021 16:22

Her having a breakdown doesn't mean you have to let her stay in your house for weeks still after you've clearly heard what she thinks of you. You're nice, but there is such a thing as being too nice, OP. She isn't exactly showing herself as a friend to you, is she?

Tistheseason17 · 10/04/2021 16:33

She wasn't going through a tough time when she slagged you off, was she?

She is playing you like a virtuoso.

Still ask her to leave in 3 weeks as planned. You'll never get her out otherwise.

She is not your responsibility - perhaps she could move in with the friend she likes more than you???

AhNowTed · 10/04/2021 16:36

"Don't let her see us"

There's just no way I could move on from that, and she would have to go.

Caroline88h · 10/04/2021 16:39

Cheeky git. You've been kind and shes making comments about you. Id be extremely hurt if this was me. I'd have to challenge her. People can be ungrateful. She may feel a certain way at the minute but that's not your fault.

Caroline88h · 10/04/2021 16:43

Just to add you sound like a good friend. Do what you feel is right. I hope she knows what a good friend she has in you.

Eviethyme · 10/04/2021 16:46

What ever you do is obviously up to you but stop calling her friend. She doesn't like you, in fact it sounds like she dispises you, she's using you.. As kind as you want to be, she is telling you exactly who she is

Rubyrecka · 10/04/2021 16:47

@MoonfacedMilksop

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

Honestly I think this is about her not you. She probably feels like crap having to ask for favours and she's probably not in an ideal place or where she wants to be in her life. And this unfortunately comes out as being bitchy and ungrateful toward you which is unacceptable.

Have a chat with her and then reassess.

Eviethyme · 10/04/2021 16:48

Plus sounds she like has other friends. She can do one back to her house then can't she

Dontcallmewifey · 10/04/2021 16:49

She has been horrid and the only mitigating explanation I can think of is that she is just really embarrassed by her situation and that is why she has pushed you away. And that her shitey comments were her way of grandstanding her way out of an embarrassing situation. In the way some people can be nasty to those who they rely on for 'charity'. Its a pride thing.

Its a horrible way to treat you whether or not that is the explanation.

Unsure33 · 10/04/2021 16:52

I think OP is doing the right thing . She knows about their friendship more than anyone and she could genuinely be in a bad place .

Let’s hope she gets some help .

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/04/2021 16:56

She’s playing you, but if you’re ok with that...

Dontcallmewifey · 10/04/2021 16:57

Read it again.

I guess from her perspective having to be sociable as she felt in hoc to you for the accommodation may have made her feel her dependency more strongly. I mean its not her home, she doesn't have one, and wasn't able to invite you in or ask you to leave as its your home, not hers.

The comment about ' dont' let her know I am in' may have been in that vein. Her trying to make a black joke about the fact that she has no autonomy over whether you visit. Same with calling it a hovel. Shes' embarrased about her situation, not the standard of the accommodation.

She must be very worried about being homeless and not finding anywhere else. She must feel her life has gone to shit and feel like a failure.

She isn't acting well towards you at all. But maybe it is coming from feeling shit about herself, and projecting as she hates herself and her life for her dependency on you for a roof over her head.

LonginesPrime · 10/04/2021 17:05

I went round earlier to find her in absolute floods of tears and barely able to string a sentence together (through being upset, not drink or drugs or anything like that). I’m not going to kick her out. I think she’s actually having a proper breakdown or something

But that's how she got you to let her stay in the first place, OP, before she was laughing about you behind your back.

I wouldn't get involved with her family or her life as you're going to get entangled in whatever drama she's got going on and it makes it harder to get rid of her.

I'd tell her you've got some more work to do on the place and you need her to move out - she's an adult and not a friend, so she can look after herself. Clearly she has other people she'd rather hang out with than you, so let them deal with her - her lack of tenancy agreement and consequential turfing out is not your responsibility!

BonAmi45 · 10/04/2021 17:29

’I went round earlier to find her in absolute floods of tears’

She probably found this thread and knows how to play you. And it worked. Confused

SpeedRunParent · 10/04/2021 17:49

I'd be honest.
I'd say the 'hovel' comment was bad enough but making out that I've pestered you since you came here is utterly dishonest and very hurtful. I'd like you to gather your things and leave please and we'll say no more about it. I'll take the keys now, perhaps your mum can collect you, or your friend.

RedGoldAndGreene · 10/04/2021 17:52

She's clearly having a laugh but if you're ok with being a doormat then it's up to you. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Kelly345 · 10/04/2021 17:54

Coming out as bisexual didn't mean she also had to come out as an arsehole too. I have a feeling you are going to regret letting her stay. She clearly has little respect for you and the give and take is not equal. Ironic she should tell other people she will never get rid of you because the way this is shaping up you might never get rid of her.

NotATomato · 10/04/2021 18:03

Oh OP in 6 months time she’s still going to be with you.