Am I being made a fool of?

[MoonfacedMilksop]

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

The fuck she's embarrassed, jealous, blah blah blah. She's been treating the OP like shit to her face and now the OP knows she's also been slagging her off behind her back, too.

So sorry that you had to hear what she said. Perhaps she’s feeling inadequate and you are bearing the brunt of her frustrations.

No excuse for her behaviour at all though. In your position, I would confront gently and tell her that you heard what she said and make it clear that she’s upset you. And finish it with a date to move out by.

How upsetting.

I wouldn't even discuss it with her. Just tell her that there is a change of plan and you need her to move out within the week. I'd just be nice but block her once she's gone.

This is the sort of shit that always seems to happen to me. No idea why. You sound lovely though and she certainly doesn't deserve you!

That's just fucking rude.

I'd be tempted to give her a few days to find something else and make damn sure she knows you overheard her conversation.

Op may I gently ask why you are being so passive about this? I get you say she is your only friend but surely you can't just let her get away with making those horrible comments? She's taking advantage of your generosity and taking the piss when she thought you weren't there. At the very least please make her move out or ask her why she said those horrible things. Don't allow people to treat you that way. Just because she is an old friend, it doesn't make her a good friend. I learned that the hard way. There are other people out there that would appreciate someone like you so much. There really is.

I think you're right to ask her to go in a few weeks.
Her words were hurtful.

You suspected she was selfish by her sighs and that suspicion was confirmed by her words .I would carry on with your plan and once she is out of your house ,go no contact -leave her wondering why you dropped her.Will play on her over inflated ego
It might just be envy .I had a friend who I knew at school but hated that I had done financially better than him (only cause I worked harder)He would hint that he was morally superior because he was poorer.

I wouldn't tell her why you are asking her to leave. I think you should let her wonder why and never fully know if you overheard her or just found her unbearable to be around.

I would pop over to see her today and say that the arrangement has to end and she must be out by the end of this week. Wish her luck, give her a nice smile and hold your head high. Then never have anything else to do with her.

Ask her to leave now. Why give her a few week? She’s not your problem and she’s being a bitch.

I think OP you're holding out for something that isn't there. Hoping that you'll somehow reconnect with her, she's not really like that...

Sadly she's shown her true character when she thought you were out of earshot.

As the PP said, I would politely tell her it's not going to work out and she needs to leave.

For me, my pride is worth more than her faux friendship.

OP, a lot of the advice on this thread is very extreme. Lots of people here love to demonise people and advise posters to cut people out of their lives. But life doesn't tend to be that black or white.

I tend to look at three things when something like this happens:

1. Has this person been consistently good/ trustworthy/ caring - genuinely giving to you for a good amount of time up until now? Answer here is yes.
2. How bad is what they have done now? In this case, it's pretty yucky - It's a horrible, unfair, disrespectful way to speak about you and your place - but at the same time, it is just casual, unthinking chat with a friend she thought wasn't overheard. Not the same as her consciously hurting you (eg sleeping with your boyfriend)
3. How open to misinterpretation is it? Could something else be happening? This depends on how sure you are about what you heard..... and being open to the possibility that she said other compensating things you didn't hear. (Eg if after she said 'don't get me wrong - she's a great person and friend - I just really need my space right now' for example.

Considering the length and importance of your friendship, and that there haven't been any other indications of her being a bad friend, I would suggest talking to her. Tell her what you overheard , tell her it really hurt you, and see how she reacts.

Until you have done that, I wouldn't torture yourself about what it all means.

Personally, my best guess would be that she feels crappy about where her life is right now, that she needs space and you guys had slightly different interpretations of what her staying there would mean in terms of hanging out.... that she is possibly ashamed of the situation and her worst self took over in a moment you overheard. That doesn't mean she's not responsible - you are totally within your rights to Chuck her out or Chuck her.... but I doubt it's as black and white as her taking advantage and not caring about you. She has invested 25 years in spending time with you, supporting you when you most need it, and being your friend without any material gain as far as I can see.... so I am sure she is genuinely fond of you.

@BraveGoldie

Sorry but I don't agree.

The hovel bit is one thing.

But "don't let her see us or she'll be over" would break my heart.

I actually feel quite angry for the OP about that.

@Unsure33

Do you think she was embarrassed and saving face for her situation in front of the other friend ? It’s a shitty thing to do but does seem odd .

I would definitely sit her down , tell her you heard , and watch her face .

I think she is embarrassed and covering up too. But she is no friend. Kick her out now, not in a few weeks. She may refuse to leave and you'll need court action, it could take 12 months so treat her carefully till she's gone. Or pack her bags and throw her out. Just make sure you don't give her the ammo to claim an unwritten contract to stay.

She probably is a bit embarrassed and was trying to put on a brave front to her friend. I still think what she said is very unkind

I wouldn't be able to forget that and I think you need to be careful that she doesn't overstay her welcome and you get lumbered with somebody that won't move out

Twenty five years of friendship deserves a chance. It does sound like she may be in a difficult moment. She has been horrid but may be in a bout of wild jealousy or similar. I would tell her though - that is the way to get your answer about what next. Just say - I heard you and am upset you were so rude about me and the house. See what she says. She is being horrid but it’s u usual for her so I would tell her that too.

@BluebellsGreenbells

Text her.

Sorry you fee your free rental is a hovel in hiding. Perhaps you prefer to be elsewhere.

Let me know when you’d like to drop the keys back.

This is perfect. I would do this.

She was very lucky to have a good loyal friend like you.
You are a rarity.
Even on the first night she didn't have the decency to have a glass or two of wine with you, and carried on looking at her phone!!
The comment to her friend about you was utterly disrespectful and full of contempt.
She's not loyal, so don't be beholden or in debt to her for standing by you at school.
People change and she has and not in a good way.
She's not genuine.
I would confront her as hard as it will be for you and cut short her notice.
Speaking about you like shit has consequences.
She's a very big shallow piss taker and that needs to be exposed inmo.

Don't do anything by text. I don't understand why people think this is an effective way to communicate OR achieve anything.

But yes your friendship is over. She sounds horrible and this is NOT your fault. As for the friend she was with - what sort of person thinks that's an acceptable way to talk about someone who is helping you out in a difficult situation?

I would just behave in a plain, firm and honest way. Tell her you overheard what she said and you would like her to leave as soon as possible. Don't believe anything she says. It's done.

You know - letting go of someone often makes room for something else. I had an old friend I hung onto for years. In fact he was never that nice to me, but I put up with it because like you, I don't make friends easy and tend to value those I have very highly. In the end he said something mean and I found I had just had enough. I ended it - he was so angry - but I didn't give a damn. I felt so relieved and wish I had done it years ago.

Sometimes old friends can be the worst for this - incrementally they see your attachment as weakness - It is not. Ultimately it says everything about her. I bet her life is actually a bit of a mess in comparison to yours...?

I don’t think this friendship is worth saving. She spoke about you with contempt. Where’s your anger, OP? You have been kind and accommodating and she is clearly using you. It is horrible and hurtful. I’m not a particularly confrontational person but that kind of remark would have had me ejecting her on the spot.

Same as pp, here. I'm not confrontational either, but the huffing and puffing and sighing (even before the nasty comment ), would have made me lose it. Cheeky cow.
Get her out now. And find new friends.

I agree with @BraveGoldie. Speak to your friend first.

Tell her it isn't working and to get out ASAP.

If she asks why tell her you heard her bitching.

She doesn't deserve your charity.

If this was me I would have to say to her either face to face or by text "Whichever friend you sneaked into MY property, ask them if you can stay with them immediately as you're no longer welcome here. I heard what you said and it's so disappointing that I thought you were a true friend. It makes me question whether you've always been two faced"

Stop being so nice to her, you don't owe her a lifetime of gratitude.

My sister and husband are due to stay with me in a couple of weeks. F knows this and originally she was going to move out of annexe for week sister is here and stay in my spare room. I’ll tell her that it’s not going to work and that she needs to find somewhere else by then

That sounds sensible, but you do need to do it asap; with no tenancy agreement she could easily get awkward and things could become much worse

With someone like this you'll probably have to tell her in the end that you just don't want her there, at which point the "friendship" will be over - but then, clearly it was never a proper one in the first place

The 'don't let her see us' thing would really sting.
I agree with the poster who said you don't owe her a lifetime of gratitude.
I'm struggling to see how there can be any justification for her behaviour? 25 years or not. I couldn't come back from this.
you sound lovely OP.