Am I being made a fool of?

[MoonfacedMilksop]

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

I understand you wanting to continue to help her, but I really would let her know you overheard the comments and how hurtful they are.

Definitely. I would tell her you heard and see how she tries to bluster and wriggle out of it.

mathanxiety I don’t think my care is enough to help her and have already asked her to contact her GP. I’m also aware that MH help round here is pretty much nonexistent. If someone is hurting themselves physically and you call 999 there’s a good chance the police will turn up instead of an ambulance.

You can’t support a person with issues like this without it becoming a personal project. She’s already living in your annexe and you are talking about setting her up in your mother’s house. You’re advising her on how to seek help, which by the way, she already knows and chooses not to. She’s your personal project now. 🤷‍♀️

I’ve been there btw. In my 20s and 30s I would have thought exactly as you are.
Now at 45...nope. Not because I don’t care but because I understand it’s down to the individual concerned and getting involved is pointless.

There are some absolutley excellent help lines, still available during this awful pandemic.
Mind, the Samaritans,NHS help lines
Somebody would be able to offer some support to your friend.
It can be hard to navigate your way through if you are unwell and thats where you could come in OP, as the voice of reason. A person, methodically taking notes for example, making a coffee....small useful tasks.

The bigger stuff, please get help and professional advice.

You sound a lovely person.

However your first post says you have few female friends and I wonder if you're clinging onto this one with rose tinted glasses.

You say it's been 25 years of friendship but in your first post say you've drifted apart over the years. Yes she may have been there for you as a teenager. That doesn't mean she can do whatever she likes to you for the rest of your life.

MH is no joke. But it's also not something you can fix. As a friend you can support her and give her numbers for mental health access. GP is a good first bet and ask for your mental health crisis team. You say the police will come out. That's quite common. But they can take you to hospital or refer you on. This doesn't mean you should take it on.

I wonder how much of what you overheard is really the true lay of the land. She has been living off the generosity of another friend for years (cash in hand) so it's quite possible she's moved on to find someone else to scrounge off.

I also agree with the pp comment. You can be a dickhead AND have mental health issues. Being rude to you and slagging you off doesn't have to be because of her mental health.

But I don't know how much of this you'll be prepared to listen to.

The issue has moved on from over hearing her rudeness.
You’ve made the decision to deal with this with kindness, in a way that will allow you to live with this, and in a way that feels right to you, and I don’t think that is being a doormat at all.
I think it’s right to focus on the immediate situation and worry about the friendship/rudeness aspect later when that’s sorted out.
That said, remind yourself that you are not responsible for her. She has family.
it might stress your mum and following on from that you, to have her at your mums . There’s time for you to assess the situation and for her to calm down and for you to find out more so you can resolve this to your satisfaction , in a way that suits you and doesn’t leave you feeling bad.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

The issue has moved on from over hearing her rudeness. You’ve made the decision to deal with this with kindness, in a way that will allow you to live with this, and in a way that feels right to you, and I don’t think that is being a doormat at all. I think it’s right to focus on the immediate situation and worry about the friendship/rudeness aspect later when that’s sorted out. That said, remind yourself that you are not responsible for her. She has family. it might stress your mum and following on from that you, to have her at your mums . There’s time for you to assess the situation and for her to calm down and for you to find out more so you can resolve this to your satisfaction , in a way that suits you and doesn’t leave you feeling bad.

I think this is awesome advice.....

As above 👏🏻

As above too.

You sound incredibly balanced and level headed OP. I would hope I'd be the same in your position.