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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being made a fool of?

335 replies

MoonfacedMilksop · 09/04/2021 18:36

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 10/04/2021 18:18

She is playing you like a finely tuned fiddle.

I am sorry for you OP and the mess you have allowed into your family, she will never leave, not free accomm with gas and lighting.

She has planned every step carefully and you have fallen for it hook line and sinker.

bpirockin · 10/04/2021 18:22

Oh dear, what a sad situation to be in.

You've been a friend to her, gave her somewhere to stay, but she has hurt you. You overheard a conversation, and quite rightly feel taken advantage of, but you still want to respect whatever you thought the friendship was.

Give her a heads up now that it's no longer possible for her to stay in your annexe when your family visit. If it were me, I'd mention that she doesn't seem very happy anyway, so perhaps she can find somewhere that suits her better.

People change and friendships change, as lives and priorities change, it's inevitable. Not wanting to hurt her doesn't have to mean being taken for a mug - why are her feelings more important than yours? Be firm and be respectful, and if she makes that difficult tell her what you overheard and how sad you were to hear that she felt that way after all these years, but perhaps it's best she leaves. Her response after that will tell you all you need to know and whether or not you can salvage anything of the former friendship or just need to let it go.

ChronicallyCurious · 10/04/2021 18:33

She’s probably crying because she knows you overheard her conversation

Howshouldibehave · 10/04/2021 18:35

Am I being made a fool of?

Yes-and judging by your recent update, you’re going to continue to let yourself be made a fool of.

It’s your life and your choice, but why post if, despite everyone saying she’s taking you for a ride, you’re still going to let her treat you like this??

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/04/2021 18:42

It has taken me 44 years to learn bad friends are worse than no friends! Thankfully my friends are lovely but if l had one like this l would rather not bother.
Call her out on it and evict her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/04/2021 18:48

@BonAmi45

’I went round earlier to find her in absolute floods of tears’

She probably found this thread and knows how to play you. And it worked. Confused

That thought did occur to me as well. Your thread was trending @MoonfacedMilksop, that's how I found it - one click. She could have too, and recognised her situation.

She originally phoned you in tears - and you gave her somewhere to stay. You've now found her in tears - and you're letting her stay.

Also -

"... then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said."

Hiding. That's a strange word to use in the circumstances. She told you the landlady wanted her property back. So why is she 'hiding'? More to the point, who is she 'hiding' from? I think she's spun you a line, and I also think it would be worth getting to the bottom of this 'hiding'. I would be telling her what I overheard her say, and asking what exactly she meant by 'not much longer' and 'hiding'. And I'd be ignoring her tears.

butterpuffed · 10/04/2021 19:02

I assumed she meant she was hiding from OP.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 19:03

So sad to see nice people playing by horrible gits like this.

WildfirePonie · 10/04/2021 19:04

You're never going to get her out unles you tell her to leave now. She'll play you a fool once it's time for her to stay in the spare room.

AliceMcK · 10/04/2021 19:05

@StephenBelafonte

Depends. When exactly did she move in and how many times have you been round there?
Did you read the post?
osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 19:09

Now you know why she had a no contract landlord last time who apparently threw her out at short notice.

melmos · 10/04/2021 19:11

You arent being made a fool of- please dont think this in anyway reflects badly on you! You are lovely person helping out friend, unfortunately she is mean cow taking advantage of you. I'd message her saying you heard the conversation and youd like the keys back as you thought you were helping out a friend and it's pretty clear that's not how she sees the relationship.

Brindisi32 · 10/04/2021 19:15

I think you've done the right thing in contacting her mum. There's probably a whole load of things going on there which you don't know about. Do brace yourself as you've heard how she has described you to her friend. She's lucky you're kind and wanting to do your best for her, alot of people would've asked her to leave.

babbaloushka · 10/04/2021 19:17

She sounds cruel as.

BlueDahlia69 · 10/04/2021 19:20

Hiding. That's a strange word to use in the circumstances. She told you the landlady wanted her property back. So why is she 'hiding'? More to the point, who is she 'hiding' from? I think she's spun you a line, and I also think it would be worth getting to the bottom of this 'hiding'.

perhaps owes a lot of Rent arrears . Sounds more likely.

Beautiful3 · 10/04/2021 19:23

That's horrible. Think I'd tell her that, heard what she said, so to please move out by friday. You're lovely, you dont deserve to be taken advantage of like this. That annex is for your mother, so get her in it asap.Flowers

MoonfacedMilksop · 11/04/2021 10:17

I really don’t think she was sat in tears on the off chance that I’d pop round. Her mum is going to speak to her later which will be good.

I know what she said was awful but she was such a state yesterday, I’ve never seen her like that and was genuinely concerned she was going to hurt herself.

OP posts:
TSBelliot · 11/04/2021 11:22

I think you sound lovely and really sensible not to throw away a quarter of a century of friendship.

Pansypotter123 · 11/04/2021 11:35

You sound lovely and truly concerned about your friend. Please think of yourself in all this though - and don't allow your kindness generosity to be (ab)used and devalued any further. Good luck!

BlueDahlia69 · 11/04/2021 13:52

It's your kindness that is your weakness OP.

Sillysandy · 11/04/2021 14:08

It is not weak to be kind. You sound absolutely lovely. I'm sure your friendship is not one-way, maybe she is needier than you realise and goes for cheap laughs for validation. Not a nice trait.

Do not forget yourself here. I would still say to her "I heard what you said. I am very hurt. It was nasty, untrue and unfair." Then see what she says. No way would I let her move in while your sister stays in the annexe.

Sillysandy · 11/04/2021 14:12

@Howshouldibehave

Am I being made a fool of?

Yes-and judging by your recent update, you’re going to continue to let yourself be made a fool of.

It’s your life and your choice, but why post if, despite everyone saying she’s taking you for a ride, you’re still going to let her treat you like this??

These replies always confuse me - posters piling on saying "we told you what to do so why haven't you done it you fool".

Do you really think it's sensible to make life altering decisions based on what some strangers told you to do after getting a tiny bit of information? She's looking for some other opinions. And armed with those and all the other knowledge she has from her own lived experiences she will decide what to do in a time and way that suits her.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 11/04/2021 14:12

She’s mugging you off.... maybe her dad disowned her because she’s a nasty piece of work and she’s made up the other version of the story.

Berthatydfil · 11/04/2021 14:16

I think you may find your friendship will not recover anyway. As she may feel ashamed that she is having to ask you for help and it would explain what she said about you to that other person.

StephenBelafonte · 11/04/2021 14:50

I misread the original post and apologised later @AliceMcK. I apologised because i'm not rude and snidey like you.

Have you got anthing useful for the OP or are you just here to make catty remarks?

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