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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being made a fool of?

335 replies

MoonfacedMilksop · 09/04/2021 18:36

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

OP posts:
MoonfacedMilksop · 12/04/2021 19:28

I’m 35, I’ve known her since I started secondary school. And yes, she could’ve done those things but she hasn’t.

OP posts:
mermaidsariel · 12/04/2021 19:36

I think maybe you’re desperate to hold onto her ‘friendship’. Or feel you owe her due to the past. You don’t owe her anything. She owes you respect and kindness when youve offered her a home rent free. She’s taking the piss. You owe yourself the dignity of getting rid of her.

randomer · 12/04/2021 19:44

Im terribly sorry OP. With kindness, I stand by my view that people make choices.
The landlord letting her go, the failed move overseas, the pitching up in your annex....all choices.

MoonfacedMilksop · 12/04/2021 19:52

How is being evicted or being dumped by your partner a choice? The annex I can understand as I offered and she made the choice to accept but I’m not sure why anyone would choose the first two.

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 12/04/2021 19:53

@MoonfacedMilksop

puzzledobserver she’s self employed and hardly been earning since Feb last year. She was planning on emigrating last year with ex and they were planning to buy a property in ex’s home country. Then CV hit, ex had to move home, they split and F has been living off the savings for the deposit. She said she’s got about £12k left but that’s not enough for a deposit round here, particularly as she’s self employed.

I know you’re all braying for blood and wanting me to bag up clothes and write her ‘funny’ messages chucking her out but I’m not going to do that. I asked for opinions on the original scenario as I found it deeply hurtful. However, it’s since become clear that she is an absolute mess and the comments, although nasty, really aren’t the point anymore. I normally really appreciate the advice I get on MN and there has been some really helpful replies on this thread. But very few of you are actually listening to what I’m saying about me being genuinely concerned for her mental health. She’s been my friend for 25 years and she’s been a really good friend. I know when someone is desperate having been in that situation myself. To suggest that she’s only been a decent friend to me for 25 years so that she can sponge off me during a pandemic is just ridiculous. I’ve said several times that she was upset to the point that I was worried for her safety and still there are comments of her ‘turning on the waterworks’, only doing it because she found the thread, being a liar etc. I have had people suggest similar about myself after an incredibly traumatic time and I’m not going to be a part of that.

Thanks for some of the earlier advice, it was genuinely helpful. It’s turned pretty nasty now though so I’ll leave you to it.

I hadn't read the full thread, OP, so sorry, my response was predicated on your first post.

Notwithstanding all that, I still think you need to maintain firm boundaries. I really would NOT move her in with your mother - this could be disastrous for both of them! You've offered her a place to stay, that was good of you, you aren't responsible for (nor are you really able) to rescue and save anyone.

MoonfacedMilksop · 12/04/2021 19:54

And I do feel I owe her. She genuinely saved my life at a time when everyone else was treating me like some circus freak. I would hope if I did someone a massive kindness they would reciprocate if I needed it. That’s just basic human decency, isn’t it?

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 19:54

I'd still tell her to leave after your sister comes. She had choices to treat you like this. She is still choosing to make choices to treat you like shit.

TeaDrinker247 · 12/04/2021 19:57

This!!!!

mermaidsariel · 12/04/2021 19:58

@MoonfacedMilksop

And I do feel I owe her. She genuinely saved my life at a time when everyone else was treating me like some circus freak. I would hope if I did someone a massive kindness they would reciprocate if I needed it. That’s just basic human decency, isn’t it?
It doesn’t mean you owe her for the rest of your life. no . Or that she’s entitled to use and abuse you, which is what she is doing.
NotSorry · 12/04/2021 19:59

OP you need to do what feels right for you. I left a toxic work situation and everyone around was saying "do this", "tell her that", "march in and sort her out" etc. etc. but that isn't me. I ended it in the way I felt comfortable and looking back now after 8 years I am glad I did it my way.

It seems to me your friend has previously been there for you and whilst she shouldn't have been saying what she did, as you say she may be in a very bad way mentally and could use a friend like you.

Good luck OP

osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 20:00

@MoonfacedMilksop

And I do feel I owe her. She genuinely saved my life at a time when everyone else was treating me like some circus freak. I would hope if I did someone a massive kindness they would reciprocate if I needed it. That’s just basic human decency, isn’t it?
Yes, but you don't owe her for the rest of your life and certainly not when she's treated you like shit. Honestly, the 2 weeks until your sister gets here are plenty. The annexe is for your mother, not her and she won't leave now she's got her feet under your table.
Notaroadrunner · 12/04/2021 20:01

@MoonfacedMilksop

How is being evicted or being dumped by your partner a choice? The annex I can understand as I offered and she made the choice to accept but I’m not sure why anyone would choose the first two.
Eh no, she rang you and asked if she could stay. That's not the same as you simply offering her accommodation. You were under pressure to say yes. Now that you know what she really thinks of you, you are still bowing down to her. You need to tell her that she can stay until your sister is due but she has to leave then. If she could afford rent previously then she can find another rental, even if it means moving a bit further away. She's not your problem to solve and yes, it's seems she is making a fool of you. Do not, for the love of God, inflict her on your mother. That would be very unfair on your mother, especially if the girl has issues she needs to sort out.
TSBelliot · 12/04/2021 20:04

OP you sound humane and sensible. In view of her obvious low mood and associated behaviours then I think that explains what happened. It doesn’t excuse it but it does give a very different view of it and doesn’t give any evidence that she usually speaks like that about you. Having seen people close to me have breakdowns I did see them behave in ways quite extraordinarily different to who they are when well.
I would much rather have you as a friend than many in here OP! Hope it all works out.

hannayeah · 12/04/2021 20:05

@MoonfacedMilksop

And I do feel I owe her. She genuinely saved my life at a time when everyone else was treating me like some circus freak. I would hope if I did someone a massive kindness they would reciprocate if I needed it. That’s just basic human decency, isn’t it?
I don’t know that you owe her exactly. But I think you are doing the right thing for both her and your own well-being.

But she’s obviously not behaving as she normally has in the past, and you can see she’s going through something that may be the cause of her unusual behavior.

I think it would distress you more to be unkind to her right now. Just make sure you protect yourself and don’t let her take advantage beyond what you are willing to give.

Alcemeg · 12/04/2021 20:16

You sound absolutely lovely, @MoonfacedMilksop.

I can't tell from your posts whether you have actually sat down and talked with her about things. Have you expressed your deep concern for her? If you think she could handle it, I might try to sound out what is going on for her, and perhaps even mention what you overheard, just to acknowledge your own hurt but also see what she was experiencing when she said it.

Good luck. She's lucky to have your friendship. Flowers

randomer · 12/04/2021 20:58

" a circus freak" What kind of people were they?

You can be decent without rescuing your friend.

MoonfacedMilksop · 12/04/2021 21:59

They were teenage school kids randomer. Not a demographic renowned for their sensitivity.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 22:18

I'd be concerned that she will not leave if she stays too long and the annexe is for your mother.

me4real · 12/04/2021 22:59

But very few of you are actually listening to what I’m saying about me being genuinely concerned for her mental health. She’s been my friend for 25 years and she’s been a really good friend. I know when someone is desperate having been in that situation myself. To suggest that she’s only been a decent friend to me for 25 years so that she can sponge off me during a pandemic is just ridiculous.

But you said she's not actually been that good/close a friend in recent years.

Both points could be true- that she's depressed and stuff (and using yoou to keep afloat) and that she disrespects you. You'll know what she's really like by how much you see of her after she's made use of your hospitality.

me4real · 12/04/2021 23:07

I would hope if I did someone a massive kindness they would reciprocate if I needed it. That’s just basic human decency, isn’t it?

@MoonfacedMilksop It was years ago and you already have reciprocated- which she repaid by slagging you and what you've done for her off to someone else. I bet you've supported her loads of times over the years, too.

I guess you can only see how it pans out (but your plan to shorten her stay is a good idea.) Sometimes if you're too nice to/fawning over someone it can actually make them respect you less.

bringbacksideburns · 12/04/2021 23:16

You asked if you were being made a fool of OP.

Unanimously the answer was yes.

I think she's maybe not quite as nice as you think and whilst I'm not disputing that she was a good friend twenty odd years ago, and she's going through a hard time right now, I still think what you overheard was her true feelings and before too long she'll be huffing and puffing if you deign to pop round again.

I hope if that's the case you then decide its time for her to go.

hannayeah · 13/04/2021 00:44

Not unanimous! Many of us said otherwise.

mrfrostywasadick · 13/04/2021 02:21

Maybe the friendship drifted as you're close to her family - the people who disowned her?

mathanxiety · 13/04/2021 02:54

... it’s since become clear that she is an absolute mess and the comments, although nasty, really aren’t the point anymore. I normally really appreciate the advice I get on MN and there has been some really helpful replies on this thread. But very few of you are actually listening to what I’m saying about me being genuinely concerned for her mental health

@MoonfacedMilksop
Take her in your car to a hospital for a MH evaluation.
Or urge her in the strongest possible terms to find an appointment for herself, and do not brook any excuses for not doing so, or procrastination on her part.

You cannot help her if she is having a MH crisis. She needs professional care.

The belief that your care would be enough for her or even slightly helpful to her if she is genuinely suffering a MH crisis is a delusion. It's a sign that you have very unhealthy boundaries.

mathanxiety · 13/04/2021 02:55

Do not turn this woman into a personal project.

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