Am I being made a fool of?

[MoonfacedMilksop]

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

I think she sees herself as having the upper hand in the relationship, she is more comfortable socially than you are and she knows you have been isolated by trauma at a very vulnerable age.

I imagine she genuinely likes you and cares about you, but that the friendship has endured only because she has been the "together" one. Now her life has fallen apart, in her mind at least, and she's having to adjust to needing you. While you do not seek to profit from this, she is uncomfortable to be unseated from her position of superiority..right now she feels bad about herself and she's projecting that onto you.

So,whikeher bad behaviour is nothing to do with you but rather to do with her own fragile self esteem, you must keep your boundaries firm in order to be safe while she flails about.

You are obviously a good, kind person. And you can be helpful by taking her to a mental health professional. But don't be the person she abuses to elevate herself. Much better for you both if you do not enable her by sending her on to your mother's.

How awful of her. I don't think she is a very good friend:-( to over hear that must have been really hurtful..

@pepsicolagirl

It's horrible when you discover a friend talking trash about you. I was best friends with a woman for 15 years and one day after not seeing each other for some time we were out having lunch. Her phone went off in her bag which was sat next to me and she asked me to look to see if it was her fella (new baby so was texting pics). It wasn't. It was a mutual friend asking "Hope lunch is ok. Is Pepsicolagirl being her depressing self again?"

I just handed her the phone. She apologised profusely and said she was so sorry but it was the other friend saying it, not her. I pointed out that the issue was that she was comfortable saying it to her...
Friendship has never been the same since.

Oh and I was in a DV relationship so yes, I probably did drag the mood down a bit.

Anyway, I hope you are better at letting go than me x

Oh that is so hurtful. I'm sorry xx

You are clearly a lovely generous caring person. She is either in a bad place or just not a very nice person and you have given her too much credit over the years. You have helped her out when she needed it. Now it is tipping over into her taking advantage of you. You have done your bit. Time for her to move on. Not your responsibility. You will get hurt. She will trample over you to get herself on her feet. Do not do this to yourself. xxx

Not read every post but do you think she’s miffed that you put her in the annexe and she was actually thinking she’d be in the spare room inside your house? Not that you’ve done anything wrong (i’d prefer having my own space if it was me) but maybe she thinks you don’t want her in the house?

She’s still been incredibly rude and bitching about you to someone else is awful. I’d want to have it out with her - not in a big showdown kind of way but I’d be direct and say you heard her and want to know what her problem is.

@Lovethesun100

I wonder if her comments were 'showing off' in front of her friend. If you do decide to do anything about her comments I would just text that you overheard and are upset by her words and hopefully she can find somewhere else soon and be happy. Not being mean and not burning bridges for the future.

I think i would be inclined to do this too. I think she needs to know that you heard. She is taking advantage of you!

I can’t be awful to her, I just can’t do it. I certainly couldn’t pack her bags and leave them outside with a note calling her a cheeky bitch or similar as some have suggested. If it was anyone else I would, but it’s not. It’s my best friend from school and I’m genuinely concerned she’s suicidal/ having a crisis.

@MoonfacedMilksop I get why you just can't take the advice of so many on here and kick her out. Sometimes it's about who you are as a person as opposed to how others treat you.

Kicking someone when they're down isn't easy. There'll be loads of time in future to discuss her behaviour for now stick to what's important - when you expect her to move and notice of when works will be done on the property.

If the friendship ends that will be grief enough without memories of you being awful to her during a hard time on top.

I hope it all works out, but while it's ongoing let your actions be based on who you are and not what she does.

Maybe your “friend” is having a meltdown because she read about herself on mumsnet. 🤨

I would ask her to leave
How dare she be so rude given it is a free place to stay.
Why is it free!
Be gone with her and your "hovel"
I have found some people behave quite strange and nasty when they are jealous
Her anger and situation is not your problem or responsiblity to fix- with that behaviour anyway.
I would go around and say it in person hopefully following her huffing it will be easier when you see the behaviour than through text
Then wait for the tears or agro

It was a hurtful thing to overhear but I wonder if she was embarrassed at her predicament with her other friend and said something she didn’t really mean.

I think you are doing the right thing. If she has been a friend for that long I would give her another chance. I think I might have to let her know that you had been in earshot though and tell her how hurt you were.

A friend of mine has stopped contact when I possibly said something in a clumsy way about a concern I had for her. I feel really sad that she couldn’t let it go or talk about it with me. I miss her company and I had been a very good friend to her for about twenty years dropping things when she had a crisis which often wasn’t really a crisis. She had a lot of anxiety underneath and always appeared confident to others. I think your friend might be feeling that way at the moment.

You sound a lovely person.

I think you'd need to know a lot more about what's going on with her before you make any further plans to help her out,

Dang it, pressed send too soon!
@MoonfacedMilksop - you need to sit down and have a word with her. I know you don't like confrontation, not many people do - but in all seriousness, she's abused your kindness so far, so I'd be finding out if there's something serious going on before I put myself out for her any time soon!

I hope her mum gets through to her - and that you do too. Yes, she could be going through some kind of trauma, but equally she could just be totally embarrassed that she ended up "in debt" to you and is feeling uncomfortable about it.

Either way, don't give away any more of yourself until you know.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Dang it, pressed send too soon! *@MoonfacedMilksop* - you need to sit down and have a word with her. I know you don't like confrontation, not many people do - but in all seriousness, she's abused your kindness so far, so I'd be finding out if there's something serious going on before I put myself out for her any time soon!

I hope her mum gets through to her - and that you do too. Yes, she could be going through some kind of trauma, but equally she could just be totally embarrassed that she ended up "in debt" to you and is feeling uncomfortable about it.

Either way, don't give away any more of yourself until you know.

I agree with this. ^

You have been kind, considerate and sounds like she is embarrassed by her situation, however what she said was nasty and uncalled for and she needs called out on it.

I think she's ashamed to be in a bad place, and this is why she made those comments to her friend - but the fact she feels OK to make herself look better at your expense does speak volumes to how much she values you. She could just as well have said, "well it's not ideal but Milksop has been amazing" or any number of things that didn't actively malign you.

She may well care about you, value your history together, enjoy your company etc etc etc, but her words were not those of a good friend. I think you would be within your rights to politely give her a move-out date, perhaps - as others have suggested - when your sister arrives instead of moving into the spare room. And to clearly let her know that you heard what she said.

Her mental state is only a mitigating factor to an extent. She is responsible for her words and her behaviour. You can absolutely extend patience and kindness and understanding to her, but it is not your responsibility to take care of her to this extent and if you do not want to continue to do so, or don't feel able to, you are allowed to step away. Think of yourself too. You've been a good friend and you still are. But look after yourself here too.

I think you are a kind, good person and you have acted admirably. But maybe what happened between you when you were fifteen no longer needs to define the relationship, for you or for her. Neither of you is fifteen any more.

The irony of people calling you names because you won't deliver a satisfying thread ending and kick your rude friend out...

I think that whatever she's going through, she shouldn't be rude about you. Some people are just like that. Does she bitch about other people when shes with you? If so, that will have been your warning that she does it to you too. Honestly I can imagine that living in a not-finished-yet stable block is a bit grim. Maybe she hoped you'd move her into the main house and is upset that you didn't.

I'd forgive what you overheard, but not forget it. If anything else happens, you should have a talk with her.

I think the huffing and puffing and deliberately trying to make YOU feel uncomfortable when she has barely been in YOUR home for 5 minutes is telling.

She sounds extremely entitled and it takes a certain type of entitlement and rudeness to behave like that with someone being so generous towards you.

I would be so wary of not being used.

Whatever IS going on with her, she's a both rude and disrespectful of you.

I really think it is never too late to learn about yourself.
I would recommend you maybe explore your self esteem.

You are a good person.

You’re a really good person @MoonfacedMilksop. F is extremely fortunate to have your friendship. Do whatever makes you comfortable and you can live with long term - nobody else can tell you what that is. I hope she’s in a better place soon. 💐

Id would text her and say my neighbour overheard you in the garden calling the place I let you stay in a hovel? Since I'm in your space so often, grad your stuff and get out

Haven’t read the full thread but if it was me I wouldn’t acknowledge how horrible she is but put a time limit on the stay (mum’s moving in on the first of May so you’ll need to be sorted by then kind of thing) then just stay out of her way.

I would be doing this for the person she was not who she is now. You sound lovely and she’s not very nice.

Have you heard of the drama triangle OP? Take a look.

Hi OP I totally understand why you would feel awful about kicking her out as I am the same sort of person however I would let her know that you overheard the conversation about the hovel. You could say "sorry its an awful place for you to stay but you should probably leave as its not good for you and not good for our friendship"

I do wonder if she has spotted this thread and thats why she was in tears when you went round to confront her though...

Sorry I think you are being a complete doormat, OP. Why on earth would you let someone speak about you like that in your own home? Unfortunately, some people get resentful instead of grateful when people help them out. She has zero respect or gratitude and sounds plain nasty. She won't ever be the friend you think she is. Maybe she has needed you just as much as you've needed her over the years, but you have seen her as doing you a favour, and that's clouded your judgement of the situation and who she really is

@Boho7

Maybe she does feel embarrassed about her situation and was just kind of brushing off the fact that shes homeless by making snarky comments to her friend ? Obvs a shit thing to do and she didnt expect you to over hear. And likely resentful and jealous of your situation like a pp said

I agree with this and others who have said similar. I suspect she’s a bit embarrassed she is homeless and having to go cap in hand to others so she’s trying to be flippant to the person she’s with to give the impression she cool with her situation and she’s got some of the power. She probably hasn’t been nasty about you for years necessarily. However, regardless of that she is being nasty now and deserves to be called out. I would say, ‘I overheard you saying to your visitor that I don’t leave you alone and the accommodation I’ve provided free at some inconvenience to myself is a hovel. I therefore think it’s better you find an alternative arrangement that suits you better. Please return the keys to me by (a week’s time if you’re feeling kind). Don’t let off this.

Is it possible her friend was actually a lover? and that's why she didn't want you popping in?

'Guest' had been renting somewhere for years and got thrown out (walked out) at next to no notice.

So.....she split from her GF and needed somewhere to stay, pronto. She went cosying up to you for free accommodation. She knows the friendship has run it's course but there's still some things you are good for.

I think she's a liar. OP, you need to ask her to leave soonest, or she will still be there when your sister is coming, whilst your sister is there and long after your sister has gone.

Do not inflict her on your mother or any other relative. Why should OP be sorting accommodation for the, 'friend.' It's not the OP's problem that it's an area popular with tourists.

On one hand she thinks she's got it over you somehow. Nothing more than arrogance, really. On the other hand, she envies what you've got i.e. your financial position. Even though it's that same financial position that has allowed you to let her stay !

Ten years ago we were pretty much homeless. It was a long standing friend of the family that bailed us out. Family was either the problem or not interested in helping. Gee thanks.

We stayed somewhere suitable that the friend had legitimate access to. We were and still are very grateful. We would not have dreamed of being so damn rude and entitled.

OP seems to have disappeared. Wonder why..........?