Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being made a fool of?

335 replies

MoonfacedMilksop · 09/04/2021 18:36

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

OP posts:
DoingItMyself · 12/04/2021 09:05

My sister and husband are due to stay with me in a couple of weeks. F knows this and originally she was going to move out of annexe for week sister is here and stay in my spare room. I’ll tell her that it’s not going to work and that she needs to find somewhere else by then

Good plan. If she moves out quietly, let it rest a while and see if she gets in contact as a proper friend. If not, well, at least you know the truth about her.

Reminds me of the saying 'No good deed goes unpunished.'

Rukaya · 12/04/2021 09:05

OP. the people on this thread are way nastier than your friend. They enjoy being vicious vicariously and just love your drama, but that is no help to you whatsoever.

This is someone who has been a good friend to you for decades and was there for you when you needed them. Are you going to tjrow it all away because of one overheard comment that could have been misunderstood?

Don't be like these screeching harpies who want you to be throwing bin bags on the street and having screaming matches, because they are treating you like a RL soap opera. Be a grown up and just talk to her. Tell her you heard what she said and are hurt, and also that you are worried about her, because you clearly are.

Whatever you do, don't take life advice from AIBU. Some of these people are nuts.

DoingItMyself · 12/04/2021 09:06

Whatever you do, don't take life advice from AIBU. Some of these people are nuts.
Grin
True.

Howshouldibehave · 12/04/2021 09:06

I’m genuinely concerned she’s suicidal/ having a crisis.

Then please don’t move her in with your mum.

Rukaya · 12/04/2021 09:09

I see this is actually relationships, but advice still stands!

Lollypop4 · 12/04/2021 09:11

You are a right mug tbh.
Awful of her to behave the way she has.
Clearly does'nt think of you , the same way you of her.
Tell her you heard her, Kick her out.
You helped her and she threw it in your face

Lassy1945 · 12/04/2021 09:13

@Lollypop4

You are a right mug tbh. Awful of her to behave the way she has. Clearly does'nt think of you , the same way you of her. Tell her you heard her, Kick her out. You helped her and she threw it in your face
So the friend has been fake for 25? The friend who has never bitched? The friend who stood by the OP during a traumatic time?
ittakes2 · 12/04/2021 09:16

Please stand up for yourself. Tell her you heard what she said and its better if she finds something else. I am sorry you seem like a nice person, find a friend who will appreciate you.

CharityDingle · 12/04/2021 09:19

@Howshouldibehave

I’m genuinely concerned she’s suicidal/ having a crisis.

Then please don’t move her in with your mum.

This. It's the last thing that your mum needs.
BeverlyHa · 12/04/2021 09:21

Greetings
First, stop feeling worried what happened, not whappened at your school years, these are only 5 years , now you have you real life and so on.
Your friend is utterly shameless, if it was I would go in and open the door the minute she ignored me in my own conversion flat and order her: pack your things now and out within 10 min!

this may not be helpful to you however my mum would be more important to me and this is who you should be housing.

GinWithOlivesIn · 12/04/2021 09:24

You sound lovely OP.

And for what it’s worth I think you are playing this correctly. If you think it is out of character for her to bitch about people, if you are surprised by her behaviour and now you see she is very very upset, and you have known her for 25 years, then you are best placed to judge how you should handle this.

Maybe she is a dreadful person but there is reasonable doubt here, and I don’t think you’d feel good bout yourself to chuck out someone who is obviously having a terrible time.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 12/04/2021 09:25

Good grief OP don't move her in with your mum, what are you thinking??

MatildaTheCat · 12/04/2021 09:27

You sound an incredibly kind person @MoonfacedMilksop. However don’t do any more to try to fix her situation. You did the right thing in asking her mother to help and now her family need to step in and get her medical help.

Trying to find other solutions for her housing will massively backfire at some point.

Whythesadface · 12/04/2021 09:30

Do you think in her head your friendship dynamics have changed?
She saw your as poor OP from childhood, a lost soul who she had compassion for.
How RL OP is a woman in a good place , two homes , money and a life.
Your friend could well now be jealous in top of all her other problems, she now daily see you are the success story and she is the one people pity. Hence her wanting to bite the hand that is feeding her.
Maybe you should talk to her.
Tell her you heard and it hurt you very much.

ArthurBloom · 12/04/2021 09:30

Can you imagine someone taking advantage of you THAT much and insulting you behind your back and then still bending over for them?
I know you think you are being a good person, but honestly, this isn't good, you are enabling her disgusting behaviour. Just because you are being "Good" does not mean it is the right thing to do, she needs to be turfed out, her insulting actions have consequences.

Cowbells · 12/04/2021 09:33

I would say: You need to leave immediately. Pack up your things. Perhaps the friend you were bitching about me with on the phone can put you up. I'm not a pushover and I have not pestered you at all. You have a very distorted idea of the truth. I'll give you 30 minutes to pack and if you're not gone, I will enter the hovel myself and pester you until you are.

I hate bitchy users.

Cowbells · 12/04/2021 09:41

I just read your last post. I can see that you are being kind but you must also be clear. Tell her you heard her bitching about you. Tell her that treating the kindness of old friends with such contempt will not improve her state of mind. Ask for an explanation for her lies about your pestering and ask for an apology. Expect her to behave better than she currently is. When she does, she will actually start feeling better about herself. Clearly being a conniving little shit doesn't make her happy, thank goodness.

You can be kind and firm at the same time. Say you are helping her now in her crisis because she helped you in your crisis and you will never forget her kindness. It made you value her so highly. But she must stop lying about you and treating you with contempt. Also, she knows that the hovel was temporary - your family need it, so you will help her find somewhere more suitable long term.

percheron67 · 12/04/2021 09:43

I think she may be what is known as a "toxic friend". In your place I would ask her to leave as quickly as possible. You don't need someone like this in your life - it will emotionally drain you to have to be near her now that you know what she is like. Boot her out and Good Luck.

mermaidsariel · 12/04/2021 09:46

I wouldn’t even give her time in Case she does something vindictive. I would go round now. Tell her you overheard her conversation and would like her to go immediately. Stand there whilst she packs and hands over the keys. What an utter bitch. She can go and live with her other friend.

Gothichouse40 · 12/04/2021 09:53

There is nought as queer as folk. What an ungrateful person, personally Id be asking her to leave and if she asks why, tell her. Don't take any emotional blackmail either as in the we've been friends for years etc. The fact she even makes the workmen feel uncomfortable rings alarm bells with me. Some people also mistake kindness for weakness, until they discover that they have way misjudged the kind person. I've also been stung in situations and is why I no longer get overly involved with people, plus I had a friend for over 30+ years who basically just ditched me when better things came along. It isn't nice but learn from it. Sadly, there are a lot of users around.

likeamillpond · 12/04/2021 09:55

OP
You sound like a lovely person.
In my experience quiet people hate confrontation. Am I right in thinking that you'd rather chew off your own arm than tell her directly, in person, that she needs to leave. Now.
She know this and is playing on it. The.coniving cow.
Is there someone, possibly a family member who could do the deed for you?

emmylousings · 12/04/2021 10:05

You are not a fool, you sound like a kind, thoughtful person - it's her who's got a problem, cheeky, nasty. Be yourself, and politely but very firmly message her that you need to be working on the place, so she can't be there. Give her a week to get out because that sounds like the sort of decent thing you would do. But, if she doesn't shift get some help moving her on and never think about her again.
My mother once invited a lady who was suffering DV and her two kids to stay with us as an emergency; they stayed a few weeks in our cramped place. After they left, I heard around the village that they were all slagging us and our house off. I was fuming, I told my mum, she was like 'whatever', I said, 'how come you are not angry?!' she just said, 'who cares? I know I did the right thing, that's all that matters'. MY DM isn't a saint or anything, but I actually thought that a pretty cool way of looking at it. Try that! You are nice, she is not, end of.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 12/04/2021 10:11

@PegasusReturns

I’m not sure I’d be able to face an in person confrontation but in your circumstances I’d definitely text to say:

“I was disappointed to overhear your comments to your friend. I think it’s probably best if you leave ‘the hovel’. You can stay until Sunday, please drop the keys back before 4pm”

I'd do exactly this.
Twoobles · 12/04/2021 10:12

Definitely text her telling her to pack her bags from the hovel and be out by tomorrow. Cheeky cow.

CallMeCleo · 12/04/2021 10:13

Wow in the land of cheekyfuckery she'd be queen.

I know you are extremely hurt, as anyone would be, but you really need to march in there and tell her to pack her bags and get out. Don't even give an explanation. She can move in with the friend she brought round.

If she really insists on a reason, tell her that you know she calls it a hovel and that she hates you so much she can't even be civil.