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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being made a fool of?

335 replies

MoonfacedMilksop · 09/04/2021 18:36

I don’t really have many female friends. I’m pretty shy and awkward but really close to my family and perfectly happy with the way things are. I do have one friend, I’ll call her F, who was my best friend throughout secondary school. I used to be really outgoing and confident but something incredibly traumatic happened to me when I was 15. I wasn’t ostracised or anything at school because of this but no one really knew what to do with me other than to look pityingly at me. The only person that didn’t change was F, she was always great to me and made me feel normal and I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

Over the years we’ve kind of drifted apart. We still see each other for a night out maybe once every 6 weeks or so as we live in the same town but not much contact other than that apart from sending meme’s now and again. Obviously we didn’t see each other at all from Feb last year until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago she phoned me up in tears, her landlady needs the house back, she’s been there for years but never had a proper contract and as we live in a holiday destination absolutely everywhere is only renting out to tourists week per week (well, from Monday anyway). She asks if she can stay with me for a few weeks until something comes up. I have been converting an old stable block in my garden for my mum to live in as she’s getting increasingly frail. It’s not got a kitchen yet but otherwise all in working order so happy for her to stay there for a few weeks.

She arrived last week. The first night she arrived I said I’d pop round after dc were asleep and show her how everything works, see if there’s anything she needs. I go round with a bottle of wine and it’s immediately clear she doesn’t want me there. I’d poured myself a glass of wine and she was doing exaggerated sighs and just playing with her phone so much that I ended up staying less than 10 minutes. She messaged the next morning apologising saying that she was just feeling really useless at the moment, never wanted this to be her life and was really embarrassed that I’d had to help her out.

I thought I’d just give her space and leave her to do whatever but a few days later the electrician was due to go round and I needed to be there so I told her and went round when I said. Again, huffing and puffing and making it really uncomfortable for both me and the electrician.

Then today I was in the garden when I heard her come in through the bottom gate, she hadn’t seen me as I was out of view (not deliberately hiding!). She had a friend with her and I heard her say “you’ll have to be quiet, if she sees I’m in she’ll never leave me alone”. Friend laughs and I didn’t hear what was said next then F said “I know, not much longer then I won’t have to live in a hovel hiding....” then I didn’t hear what was said.

Where she’s staying isn’t a hovel, it’s a really nice conversion that I’m not asking for any payment for. I went round once when she arrived, clearly didn’t want me there then have been round once more when I had to.

Am I being made a fool of? I’m feeling so upset. I thought I was doing something really nice for a friend and she seems to hate me for it.

OP posts:
Twoobles · 12/04/2021 10:16

Just read your updates. She’s going to take you for a ride. I just hope you realise this sooner rather than later. The girl doesn’t give a f about you in the slightest.

askingrandomsonlinemighthelp · 12/04/2021 10:18

Awful, awful woman. I feel so angry on your behalf. What a proper dick! Please find the courage to tell her you heard what she said. Make her squirm. My God, I'd die of shame if I heard anyone in my family had said anything like that or treated someone like that.

Sometimes, we try to be "funny" when we moan about situations. It's a self-defense mechanism. We all do it. So, I would forgive the "hovel" thing. She was probably embarrassed at her situation and trying to make light of it. So, I'd let that go. I WOULD NOT let the "she'll never leave me alone" comment go. Fuck her and her friend.

Bambooshoot · 12/04/2021 10:18

Maybe the friend was her girlfriend, but married and cheating on her spouse? That would explain why she didn't want you there, and the "hiding" could have been a reference to their relationship. The hovel part is not nice but could have just been her being dramatic, emphasising how clandestine they are having to be.

MimiDaisy11 · 12/04/2021 10:19

Sometimes people act out of character, especially when going through hard times. She should be grateful for what you've done but obviously has personal issues. I imagine she was huffy with you the first night as she wanted space to herself and resented not being in control of that anymore - again not your fault, and she should have been mature to have thanked you and not acted that way.

If she's been a good friend for decades I'm not sure I'd judge her on just one comment.

user1471538283 · 12/04/2021 10:24

Tell her she goes tonight. If she has nowhere to go it is not your problem.

You have given her a roof over her head and not only can she not be civil she is complaining about it to someone else. Off she goes. You honestly do not need people like her in your life. Let her take someone else for a mug.

Chickychickydodah · 12/04/2021 10:33

Give her a few days notice to move out , get your keys back then delete and block her.
If it was me I’d Chuck her out today . Ungrateful bitch

Hexinthecity · 12/04/2021 10:33

@MoonfacedMilksop she isn't making a fool of you, honestly she's making fool of herself and I think she knows it (hence her breakdown), and any 'friend' that she's been talking to and saying similar things to will either know that she's being an ungrateful and disloyal friend to you or not be a decent enough human being to read the situation properly.

Honestly it sounds like her life and gone to shit and she's deflecting responsibility away form herself and instead of appreciating you for the kind and generous supportive friend you are she's trying to make herself feel better by belittling you. I totally understand why you are hurt and equally understand why you are continuing to be good to her and care about her, I'd be the same in your shoes. When the dust dies down and she's back on her feet (which by the way it is not your responsibility to ensure) you can let her know how hurt you were and ask her to talk to you about it and give her the chance to apologise before you move on.

In the mean time though, be careful she doesn't take take take from you. you don't have to house her indefinitely, you need to set your boundaries really clearly and timelines. It may be worth letting her know that you feel unappreciated and that a formal contract agreement would help protect you both from feeling like things had overrun their course at a later point.

Good luck, you sound like a really lovely friend, she's lucky to have you I really hope she doesn't fuck up your friendship for both of your sakes

LancesGold · 12/04/2021 10:35

My ex husband would have a mental health 'crisis' whenever things weren't going his way to make people feel sorry for him. Not saying that's definitely the case here but be on your guard.

My ex has mental health problems and is also a manipulative user. People can have MH issues and also still be twats.

randomer · 12/04/2021 10:39

No, she is not making a fool of you. She is the fool and she will have to live with herself.

She doesn't deserve a throughly decent human being like yourself.

disentangle yourself ASAP and get some therapy to help you process the past and build self esteem.

museumum · 12/04/2021 10:39

Even before your update my instinct was she was saying those things to her friend because she’s deeply ashamed of needing your charity. I think she’s in a bad place and I don’t care if it makes me a doormat, I cut some slack for longtime friends going through a bad patch, if it’s out of character.

fishonabicycle · 12/04/2021 10:42

She sounds horrible. Tell her you want the keys back and her gone asap.

randomer · 12/04/2021 10:43

" Shes been there for years and never had a proper contract"

How is that anything to do with you?

Offering a couple of nights till a person gets back on their feet is more than enough.

randomer · 12/04/2021 10:46

Your friend needs help that you can't provide

EXACTLY

Lovethesun100 · 12/04/2021 10:47

I wonder if her comments were 'showing off' in front of her friend. If you do decide to do anything about her comments I would just text that you overheard and are upset by her words and hopefully she can find somewhere else soon and be happy. Not being mean and not burning bridges for the future.

Roszie · 12/04/2021 10:48

I wouldn't sling her out but I'd tell her what I heard.

billy1966 · 12/04/2021 10:50

@DoingItMyself

My sister and husband are due to stay with me in a couple of weeks. F knows this and originally she was going to move out of annexe for week sister is here and stay in my spare room. I’ll tell her that it’s not going to work and that she needs to find somewhere else by then

Good plan. If she moves out quietly, let it rest a while and see if she gets in contact as a proper friend. If not, well, at least you know the truth about her.

Reminds me of the saying 'No good deed goes unpunished.'

Do not inflict her on your mother OP.

I appreciate you don't want to react to what she said, but it really was a deeply unpleasant thing to say about someone who is being very kind to her.

Don't react if you wish but don't be made a mug of.

It's the type of comment someone who finds someone useful to them would say.

Protect yourself and don't move her into your mother's house.

You sound like a lovely woman.Flowers

Ariela · 12/04/2021 10:53

We don't know the real reason for her slating your place as a 'hovel' - but it occurred to me she could be angling for a nicer place when she has to leave yours once you mum is scheduled to move in. By describing the situation as awful, she's garnering the sympathy of the other friend she was phoning - and that friend could potentially be in a place to help her with the next accommodation.

SheenMcQueen · 12/04/2021 10:57

I get that you are responding now to seeing her distraught but that could have been you - reacting to her cruel words....

I would still be absolutely clear that she knows what you said. You can be gracious and say "I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt because you are clearly dealing with shit, and you were there for me once, but I heard what you said and I cannot unhear it".

Let her explain herself to you, and then make a decision as to whether you want to continue to support her.

Viviennemary · 12/04/2021 11:00

Chuck her out.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 12/04/2021 11:00

I've been in your position. Here's a cautionary tale
We have a small annexe and we don't let it out as its not worth i What we have done over the years is to let friends stay in it when they have been between houses, or during divorces or separations, or want to stay for the summer as we're near a holiday destination. Everyone has always been fabulous and v grateful. I've loved having them.
Apart from our last friend who came for 3 months because he was in a bind and he was still there 3 years later sponging off us. Everytime we tried to get him to go he would plead depression or PTSD or death in the family or poverty. We would mull it over and say we thought he was trying it on but we didn't want to be responsible for anything happening to him ( DH and I both had a few close friends who suffered depression and sadly took their own loves so we were sensitive to the situation). The tenant became like family and we looked out for him. He always went through periods of being shitty to me then would cry depression when I eventually confronted him. In the end he just fucked off without even saying goodbye and blocked us on social media. Haven't seen him since. He's been telling people we threw him out in lockdown.
Don't be like me. Offer somewhere for a few weeks then that's it.

People who really care would want to have a drink with you. Would be v grateful and would be offering to help you. Not slagging you off to their friend. They really wouldn't. I can understand that you are a lovely person and don't want to fell responsible for kicking the other person when they are down. Just be careful they really are down and not just manipulating you.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 12/04/2021 11:03

If she's going to stay she needs to pay rent.

Her financial situation hasn't changed and she shouldn't be profiting from your generosity.Why haven't you asked for rent? Why would you be happy to fund her?

Pancakeorcrepe · 12/04/2021 11:23

She needs help that you cannot provide her with.
People here will warn you but you will still let her stay on, and it's just going to become more and more messy.
Don't inflict her on your mum. Just get her out of your life as soon as you can. She is ungrateful and rude, and probably a big part of the mess she is in at the moment is caused by decisions she has made earlier. Don't be a fool and let her drag you down with her.

ohnoisaid2much · 12/04/2021 11:25

@MoonfacedMilksop

I just find it so weird as we’ve been friends for 25 years. If she didn’t like me I don’t understand why she would’ve maintained contact. We’re certainly not the closest of friends but we always have a really good laugh together. It’s not been one sided either, she’s arranged meet ups as often as I have. I don’t understand why me helping her out has suddenly made her unable to stand me being near her.

It's her circumstances she can't stand not you. She probably reacted the way she did when you went round because .. pride!

If you text to say you overheard her she'll think you're deliberately eavesdropping.

See if you can chalk this up to a hard time for her in a bad situation (pandemic etc)

At the same time, do establish how long she can stay, reiterate there will be ongoing works and give it all some space if you want to maintain the friendship beyond this period

People under pressure are different beasts at times

Don't take it personally Thanks

ohnoisaid2much · 12/04/2021 11:45

@DoingItMyself

Whatever you do, don't take life advice from AIBU. Some of these people are nuts. Grin True.

Second this

pepsicolagirl · 12/04/2021 11:45

It's horrible when you discover a friend talking trash about you. I was best friends with a woman for 15 years and one day after not seeing each other for some time we were out having lunch. Her phone went off in her bag which was sat next to me and she asked me to look to see if it was her fella (new baby so was texting pics). It wasn't. It was a mutual friend asking "Hope lunch is ok. Is Pepsicolagirl being her depressing self again?"

I just handed her the phone. She apologised profusely and said she was so sorry but it was the other friend saying it, not her. I pointed out that the issue was that she was comfortable saying it to her...
Friendship has never been the same since.

Oh and I was in a DV relationship so yes, I probably did drag the mood down a bit.

Anyway, I hope you are better at letting go than me x