Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

Hi. Try not put too much emphasis on your age. A debilitating illness or the unthinkable could strike a couple in their 20’s. It’s a lot to come to terms with and natural to feel shattered by it all. The future isn’t going to be what you expected but that doesn’t mean that it will all be bad. Wishing you all the best.

It isn't his fault so you have to decide whether you love him enough to stand by him. What's his prognosis?

@Sakurami The condition is life-long. So although he could have "stable" periods, his dysfunctions are permanent.
I just feel so detached from him. There is very little intimacy in our relationship any more.

That sounds extremely difficult, but I guess that’s why they add in the ‘in sickness and in health’ bit into your wedding vows.
As pp said, it’s not his age rather his condition that’s affecting him. As things are highly unlikely to change, I suppose you have to decide if you care enough about him to stay in the marriage.

Poor guy.

@KittytheHare Well we're not married (he's always been keener than I am for many reasons) but I know what you mean.
I just feel like things that were once really good in our relationship have now gone.

Imagine if something awful had happened to you while giving birth and you were left in a similar way . Would he be right to be complaining about you ?

Gosh.

@MrsMaizel I'm not complaining, I just don't know whether to stay together. He isn't the man I fell in love with.
If I had changed so much I would perhaps be understanding if he wanted to move on? I don't know.
Whilst I accept it's not his fault it has had a huge impact on our relationship.
Financially I'm worried too. We both work ft but both on pretty basic wages. We can't afford for one of us not to be working.

This is so hard. You’re only 40 with a lot of life ahead of you!

Poor guy.

If I had changed so much I would perhaps be understanding if he wanted to move on?

He’s ill, it’s not really that he’s ‘changed’.

I could be wildly over interpreting your posts, but you just don’t sound that committed to the relationship. Do you feel that you need ‘permission’ to leave him?
I do feel incredibly sorry for your partner, because he’s surely picking up on your dissatisfaction. Do you actually want to make things work? Because if you don’t then don’t prolong the misery for everyone. I know having a small child is exhausting, but all stages of parenthood can take their toll tbh.

@stoopider This is how I feel. But I also feel selfish for feeling that way.
Do I just accept intimacy is pretty much now something to be forgotten? That we can't go out together anywhere that involves sitting down for more than about half an hour? That we will always struggle being away from home as he needs a specific mattress?
I know it sounds selfish because it's happened to him, but it's an awful lot to give up.

@KittytheHare I don't know how to make things work because they're not going to get any better for him physically/sexually?

If you left would he be able to still see his child without you being about? Sound like a really tough situation but you need to do what's right for you. You only have one life.

I feel for both of you. You're both grieving: him for the deterioration in his health, and you for the loss of your relationship as it once was.

Neither of you are in the wrong. Have you considered counselling, as an outlet for your feelings?

@Coldwinterahead1 Oh absolutely. She's his one and only child and he loves her with all his heart. He's a brilliant daddy and never takes her for granted as he never thought he'd have children despite very much wanting to. We'd work out how to share care.

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm I think it would be worth mentioning to him although he is a bit of a bury-his-head person atm. Which I can understand.

If you decide you can't stay, do him a favour and leave quickly. Don't stay and resent him. It isn't his fault that he's ill. Life probably isn't what he thought it would be either.

Why did you get engaged to him? I mean that means marrying him, sickness and health and all that? Poor bloke.

@grapewine We both want what's best for our daughter and I honestly don't know what that is. She is the most important person here.

None of us end up with the person we fell in love with - we all change as we have more life experiences, mature and then grow old. We can only hope that we'll change in a way that matches the way our partners change alongside us.

That hasn't happened in your case. Suddenly, the relationship you had has been spoiled, and sad to say, it doesn't look like it'll be getting better.

Yes, it could just as easily have been you. It would be selfish and hurtful to leave your poor, ill partner who has done nothing wrong, simply because you're still "all right Jack."

But the truth is, you will get over that feeling of guilt REALLY fast.

As someone older in a similar situation who decided to stay, my advice is: RUN.

Don't spend the next 40-50 years being his nurse instead of his wife, having a crappy/non-existent sex life, staying with someone you no longer love out of duty and bitterly regretting not leaving while you were still young enough to find another life.

@WeekendCEO It's not that simple. I would feel exactly the same even if we were married. Marriage isn't a priority right now.

[quote Trustisamust]@grapewine We both want what's best for our daughter and I honestly don't know what that is. She is the most important person here.[/quote]
I understand that. As PP suggested, perhaps counselling would help you both clarify where you stand, how you feel and how to go on together or apart with your child's best interests at heart.