Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

@NiceGerbil It is a syndrome - he won't recover from it sadly.

It was one of the hardest periods for me, and I don't work away from home nor was my son a particularly bad sleeper. You do have a lot to deal with right now, even without the pandemic.

@IndecentCakes Thank you. I work in education so unfortunately can't work from home at all. Will need matchsticks when I return to the classroom and about 10 litres of coffee!

What's the physio for then?

How disabled is he?

I have to say I find it really peculiar that in your situation. Your DH had a massive traumatic medical event when your baby was a few weeks old. Your baby is now 10 months. I get that you're tired. If you leave him you won't be any less tired..? He's got his mental capacity. He needs physio. And most of your posts are about sex.

I honestly find that odd.

He was working before this happened? What has happened to your finances?

I just can't imagine being in your situation and with a baby that doesn't sleep, a suddenly disabled husband, more or less at the same time as the baby was born, going back to work looming. That sex would be the thing I was just concerned with.

Everyone's different I suppose.

Does he still express affection for you? Do you feel he loves you? Have you discussed the lack of sex?

@NiceGerbil He was working ft, yes. Earning around £1,500 per month so not loads but getting by. Has now returned to work but had to take a lot of time off, about two months unpaid.

It's not just sex, it's closeness that has gone. I guess partly due to his condition and partly due to having a small baby. It's a steep learning curve for him as she's his first (and last!) baby. He is on a lot of meds and will be for life.

What I mean by the tiredness is sharing care of the baby as a couple often isn't possible now due to his condition so I'm doing that as well as of course all of the housework. Again, I'm not saying it is his fault but it isn't easy for me to do it all; and this is before I return to work.

I have suggested counselling but he's terrified of facing things in that way I think.

[quote Trustisamust]@Veronika13 That sounds really tough at such a young age. I am pleased he recovered. I know my partner won't which is really difficult.[/quote]
Reading this thread brought back all the memory and the fear and hopelessness.
I really feel for you, mine refused to get a wheelchair so was stuck inside.

I'd say maybe give him time to adjust to a new life and he will. For example mine eventually found painkillers that would give him 2 hours, so he would schedule a dinner with friends around that time, so he can get out of the house and socialise.

There are some movies about one partner becoming disabled. I used to enjoy those. Speak to your GP when it gets too tough.
X

@WeekendCEO

Be honest...would you stay in a sexless marriage?

If I was committed to someone enough to agree to marry them and have a child with them, I would be completely committed to them....so yes.

It sounds like you aren’t committed, shouldn’t have got engaged or had a child with this man.

Agree. What a disaster to have rolled the dice on having a child. Otherwise OP could quickly dump him, as she obviously wants to. And will.

If it's Cauda Equina, there are a few on line self help groups, but you've probably tried these.
Sounds miserable for both of you. and best wishes. Mx.

@PerveenMistry For a start, we had the baby before he became ill. We wouldn't have had a baby together had we known but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I don't think perhaps you have any understanding of how almost every facet of our relationship has been irrevocably damaged and how hard this is for us both.

Unless of course you are in a similar situation and then I take that back?

Oh dear, how difficult for both of you :(

Is he able to talk about the situation?

@Myphone

Hi. Try not put too much emphasis on your age. A debilitating illness or the unthinkable could strike a couple in their 20’s. It’s a lot to come to terms with and natural to feel shattered by it all. The future isn’t going to be what you expected but that doesn’t mean that it will all be bad. Wishing you all the best.

I agree with that. I am so sorry you are in this position but it happens to many unfortunately. Hopefully there will be some effective, ongoing treatment for your partner which will at least ease the situation but try to remember the man with whom you fell in love, he is still in there. You said there will be stable times with his condition, make the most of those.

He must feel dreadful too, even more so than you, and concerned that he is not as much of a partner to you as he once was. It's a sad situation but if you love each other, you'll manage somehow. Remember, something could have happened to you.

Try to find an interest outside of the home, apart from going to work (it is very good you have a job), if you can. I'm glad you had your daughter, that must be a blessing, she is something positive that has come out of your relationship.

Ok OP at face value.

I have a long term physical disability.

I have had two babies. I had pretty bad ante and post natal mental health problems.

My husband loves me. He didn't think oh game over when I was, to be frank, bonkers. He worked his shifts, he did the shopping, housework, nappies etc. He was doing a double shift while I was, not much use. He said. You feed the baby (I was BF) and I'll look after you.

Your baby is ten months old. He has had s life changing event. You say nothing about how he feels. He's lost his mobility. He can't work much. He can't do the things he wants with your child.

You leave? You get no more sleep.

Your posts are all about you. His life has been turned upside down.

It's only been 7 or 8 months.

You know people get old, right? And ill? And life changes.

TBH I find your focus on sex when you have a suddenly disabled husband, a baby, and by the sound of it a massively reduced income. Unusual.

If you want to leave him, leave him.

I'm not going to say that it's a fair and natural thing to do.

@Frownette Thank you. He has had some MH support through his work which he has found useful. He doesn't like to talk to his family about it, especially as his parents are both elderly and his mum isn't well herself at the moment. He does talk to me at times about it, but tries to pretend everything is OK.

@NiceGerbil Our income will be what it always has when I return to work ft next month - we just are not high earners.

If you enjoy your job, that will be a bonus even if your salary is mediocre. It will help to be with other people.

@NiceGerbil Sorry to hear about your disability. Do you get financial help or anything like that? Somebody mentioned earlier PIP or something like that for if the time comes he has to reduce down and we need to pay the rent etc?

This sounds like a really difficult & unenviable situation. You have a child so that is arguably the biggest commitment. You are both committed to your child.

But at the end of the day you haven’t married or made vows.

You are allowed to leave & nobody can. Judge till they have walked in your shoes.

You could well end up becoming his carer. If you don’t feel that urge for lifetime commitment & just grateful he is alive and devoted to his care, think you need to make a difficult choice or you will become a martyr.

You only get one life...

@jessstan2 Yes, I really do enjoy my job

'I don't think perhaps you have any understanding of how almost every facet of our relationship has been irrevocably damaged and how hard this is for us both.

Unless of course you are in a similar situation and then I take that back?'

4 out of ten women have MH problems when pregnant or after giving birth.

Many women do not have sex for a fair old time after giving birth.

My DH took on the load while working, while I was. Mad. Very unwell

No we weren't having sex. That was really not the first priority for him when his wife was very ill and there were babies to look after.

Do you love him?

You clearly want to leave him. So just be honest with yourself.

OP how exactly will you get more sleep if you leave?

This is all.. It's been like 8 months since her partner had a catastrophic medical event.

I think fucking off because there's no fucking is appalling. To be frank.

This reminded me of when I asked my partner if he would stay with me if I became disabled and he said no! It was always at the back of my mind and I didn't want to marry him after that.

He should be able to claim PIP so it would be good to set the wheels in motion about that.

It must be very hard for him (and you) to address but I really think you have an awful lot of talking to do with him.

It depends where your priorities lie. to you only, or to a partnership one.

My son,was paralysed from the chest down, in an accident years ago, he had a girlfriend . Some time after his accident, they decided to get married abroad. They did lots of things,like travelling abroad to lovely places.My son challenged himself to do lots of crazy things,despite being paralysed.. But after a couple of years,his wife was very fond of spending loads of his money all the time. shopaholic type.Then all of a sudden it seemed to me. she wanted to leave him. and eventually get divorced., which they did.

@gutful Yes, we haven't made those vows as you are right - we are not married. I think both of us feel relief about that as should we decide to separate, that's one less thing to have to worry about re the legal aspect and so on.

I know I need to talk to him and see how he feels. He wouldn't want me to be his carer, either. He wouldn't want me to feel obliged to stay, I know that for sure.

At the moment it feels like we are friends rather than partners and I don't know if that will change or if we will be able to change that.

I know for certain we would both work together successfully in the best interests of our daughter. We do make a great team in that way.

@1forAll74 I am so sorry to hear that and I hope your son has found happiness now?

We do joke with each other that one advantage of us both having little money is that we're not in it for the cash!

@NiceGerbil I don't really know why you have to be so base and also, you clearly haven't read my replies. It's not just about sex. You clearly have little grasp of how an illness can damage a relationship on so many different levels. I wish you well.