Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

@Starborn There are so many elements about him that I do love - for a start he is an amazing daddy and loves our daughter so very much. It makes me so happy seeing them together.

He is very kind and considerate. He might not have much money but I don't care at all about that. It's the little things he does. Like silly things such as setting up a spontaneous treasure hunt around the house with wrapped up little gifts for me to find. He's so thoughtful like that.

But on the other hand so much has gone from our relationship that we will never get back.

Of course I expected us to age and this changes a relationship e.g. from an intimacy pov, but not so soon. We've been together less than five years.

@WeekendCEO Be honest...would you stay in a sexless marriage?

@Thewiseoneincognito Same question to you.

Be honest...would you stay in a sexless marriage?

If I was committed to someone enough to agree to marry them and have a child with them, I would be completely committed to them....so yes.

It sounds like you aren’t committed, shouldn’t have got engaged or had a child with this man.

@WeekendCEO That's good for you, but I don't think the majority would? Sex is an important part of marriage IMO.

Of course it is. But not more important than the person. You don’t just give up when things get tough when you’re committed. But clearly you’re not, so do him a favour and leave. Let’s hope you don’t discard others in your life quite so easily if things get tough.

@WeekendCEO It's not just about things being "tough". Ultimately it's about, age 40, accepting that you will never have sex again. That's pretty difficult. And not the only thing to have to come to terms with.

I agree with @Starborn really.

For all those people criticising you and saying they would be that martyr because in sickness and health - fine. That's them, not you. You are already struggling with having to take on almost all of the burden of the baby and wondering what you're life is going to look like.

You're 40 and a young 40 at that. My friend is in a similar position though unmarried. In truth, I couldn't be her. I care about my own quality of life too much - if that makes me selfish so be it.

If you leave right now though he may make out you are cold and callous? I suppose you would want to maintain a decent relationship for your child? It's tough.

It's so hard for both of you. But his sexual dysfunction doesn't have to mean the end of your sex life unless you want it to. You don't have to give up. There are many more ways to intimacy and sexual satisfaction than PIV. Do his hands function? Can he still do oral plus fingers / vibrator etc? Stroking, kissing and all that? Is he willing to? Are you willing to adapt?

I think you need to decide what you want. If you want out, do it as soon and with as much kindness as possible. Your OH will continue to be a wonderful father, and he will still share in that side of parenting and you'll see that side of him which you are so fond of ongoing - there's no reason not to. You can build a rewarding friendship - a changed relationship but still a close and affectionate one.

If you realise you do want your relationship to continue then I suggest investing in some therapy to help you navigate the altered map of your relationship and your life. And make a real effort to find a way through the loss of physical love as you knew it, and embrace the reality which will be different but could still be loving and rewarding for you both, as well as for your daughter's happiness and security now and in the longer term.

Or if you really love each other and really want to stay together perhaps your relationship could stretch to include a sexual partner for you, with your OH compassionate's understanding?

There are many options. Unless you are sure you want out, I would take time to adjust and see how you really feel over time. Your daughter is very young and the injury recent so in the whole scale of things it's early days.

I had two events aged 22 and 23 that made me feel like I was in a 70 year old's body. It's resulted in chronic pain and a life long condition. My partner (same age) stuck with me throughout it all. Yes our relationship did change, our sex life almost became non existent due to the pain, I was moody and overall not the same person I was prior to those events. Not for a moment did he want to leave me for it.

I feel very sorry for your partner. They didn't ask to be ill, they never wanted this, he's not consciously changed to inconvenience your life. Married or not, in sickness and in health is used for a reason, you clearly aren't committed to that so you already have your answer.

When you say his sexual function is impaired do you mean to the extent that ED medication such as Viagra is not an option?

If it isnt then of course there are other ways to be intimate. I would recommend trying different times other than evening to be intimate as people with chronic back pain are often most uncomfortable in the evening due to being mobile during the day and they may need to take their medication early evening to help them sleep.

You have had two life changing events happen to you relatively close together. Having your partner rushed to hospital and being diagnosed with a life changing condition in the midst of a global pandemic when you had an 8 week old baby was probably really overwhelming. I know I felt vulnerable two months post partum and the added isolation of lockdown (if you are in the UK) will have added extra stress.

I know some physiotherapy sessions and pain management clinics have been disrupted over the last year so I'm not sure if your partner has been able to attend things such as this. These can massively help the psychological side of coping with pain.

Life can change in an instant for any of us due to illness or accident. I would want a partner who I can count on to be there for me if something like this happened. I totally understand that you are exhausted on night duty with the baby all of the time but this in itself is not permanent. Obviously financial impacts are a worry and if he is unable to work have you looked at accessing benefits such as PIP or maybe an opportunity to work in a more sedentary job role? Have his employers got occupational health that can assess his needs and accommodate them if possible?

@weightedpunch I'm sorry to hear that. Do you mind me asking if the non-existent sex life was a permanent thing? That's one of the things I'm struggling to come to terms with.

@SunburstsOrMarbleHalls Thank you for your understanding - it was an incredibly difficult time for the whole family. Very scary, especially for him.

We are renting as no way we can afford to buy on our joint salaries. Not ideal and tricky if he has to take time off as he had to before. We were fortunate in that one of his relatives sent us a little bit to tide us over (knowing also I was on mat leave at the time).

He's had no f2f physio due to the pandemic which has been gutting as I know it really used to help him. He's not very disciplined at doing the exercises himself!

As you say he does get very tired very quickly too. Again, Absolutely understandable but our baby is a very poor sleeper and I'm exhausted doing every night without a break. I would give anything for more than three hours of uninterrupted sleep and I don't think that helps either of us to think clearly.

Is it cauda equina? I developed that age 33

I really feel for both of you and the situation.

I was going to write some stuff but as I scrolled the posts seemed to really focus on sex which I find a bit odd TBH. This happened when you had an 8 week old and your baby is 10 months now.

You have a young baby and a sudden massive health issue with your husband and sex is your main concern?

I didn't fancy sex for a good year after each baby and I had really bad MH problems. He didn't leave me.

How disabled is he? You say that he puts treasure hunts around the house etc. And plays with the baby. Is he using a wheelchair or crutches? Is he in an enormous amount of pain? Has he got cognitive issues?

I mean if the only problem is he's not fucking you, when he's still recovering from what sounds like a serious and scary medical emergency, and you have a 10 month old to look after. Then that seems not right to me.

One thing to bear in mind is that many women find their libido drops off a cliff with peri menopause. For me that was around 43. So sex might become considerably less important to you soonish. (Although I'm aware not everyone experiences this, at least to the same extent.)

Similar happened to me but I was only 26 yo; he was 27.

I would find an excuse to go to the shops on my own, then call my mum crying. She would tell me to wipe my tears and go to my husband. Which i did.

He eventually had a very complex surgery (we found a surgeon who agreed to operate) and recovered. It's tough, it's scary, but you have to be there for him. There is just no other way.

@NiceGerbil We we don't have sex which is an issue but not the only one. He is supposed to used crutches to get around when he has flare ups but he hates them. He is limited of course with carrying the baby but can play on the floor with her for short periods. He is very very tired a lot of the time. We haven't of course been out due to lockdown but I don't think this is likely to change once it is lifted.

@Veronika13 That sounds really tough at such a young age. I am pleased he recovered. I know my partner won't which is really difficult.

I'm not sure I'd hurry into making any big decisions with a 10 month old. When my last baby was that age (I was also 40) I was absolutely on my knees and everything my husband did pissed me off.

@eurochick There is always that hope I guess! Although his parents are both in their 80s and still admit to having a great sex life!!

@IndecentCakes Youre right - its so hard ti think clearly when baby has never slept for more than three hours in a row ever!!! My brain is done in and I'm not even back at work yet!

Recovery takes time.

I get that it's hard. But it's not even been a year.