Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

Thank you so much EmperorisNaked (and a few others) for writing thoughtful and sympathetic posts. I have been upset by some of the horrible things people have written. OP I am so terrible sorry you are going through such hell, and during this hellish lockdown. What a terrible time. I hope overmuch that you and your husband find a way to be as happy as you can be, whether together or separately.

The thing that jumps out at me is you saying the baby has you on your knees.
But this is your 3rd child.Surely you'd know babies keep you awake and go through stages of not sleeping.

What ages are your other DC.Do they go to their dads so you can get some peace that way.

I think it's fine to leave your disabled dp,just as long you don't expect your new dp to hang around if you ever become ill.

I have loved someone and I wouldn't have left them in these circumstances. People who have avoidant personalities don't want to hang around if support is required. I wonder if you are an avoidant type?
I read your words about sex and intimacy and think 'hah, this women doesn't know that menopause is just around the corner'. It affects everyone differently, but low labido for years is definitely not uncommon.
Think about all outcomes here - he might move on and meet a kind, new partner. You could remain single forever with 3 children. Money may always be tight. In your situation, I'd urgently be trying to increase my earning potential while my partner does childcare, if he is able.

Oh my, I've just read an update where you say you are tired from caring for the children and housework. You are not back at work yet. Honestly, forget about sex. You can buy a vibrator. Concentrate on just cuddling up and being close. The trouble is, you have already detached from him due to the health condition.

Lots of people clearly have romanticised ideas of being a carer to a partner

I do get how being up all night with a baby takes it all out of you and leaves you with little mental energy for dealing with any other things that come up. You've had a lot dumped on you at an already exhausting and difficult time. Ideally while you're taking on the night feeds your OH should be ready to take up the load during the day so I'm not surprised if you're burnt out.

I agree with counselling and trying to find some honest and realistic stories from people in this situation and how they adapted. Different people prioritise different things in relationships so it's not for anyone to tell you what's allowed to be a dealbreaker.

I hope you get the right support to figure this situation out for your family.

How difficult for you both.

I know too well how the diagnosis of a serious disease can affect relationships.

You have sustained two life changing events the diagnosis and arrival of a new baby all whilst going through the added stress of the pandemic. How is your partner coping with his diagnosis? Have you sat down and talked to your partner about the future are they changes you can make together that could help. How is your partner feeling about the lack of sex.

Unfortunately life will often bring huge challenges, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis completely out of the blue, a total shock that took me at least 6mths to accept that I had MS. I felt guilty as things had to change at home, started on a disease modifying drug, was told I couldn’t have any more children due to the drug etc. I felt awful if we had arranged to take the kids out and I just wasn’t feeling well enough. Everything changed, even the clothes I wear, as I can’t do up buttons as my finger tips are numb, even the underwear I wore had to change as my previous knickers sat where I would need to inject the DMD. It’s was a really horrendous time, the uncertainty of the situation knowing another big relapse could come at anytime. The lack of energy and the frustration of not being able to do what you want to do. It is really bloody difficult. DH & DS’ have been really brilliant & help me all the time but I still feel terrible that they are in this position. It’s not what I want for them or me.

Good luck OP wishing you well for the future.

I'm sorry but if this was a man posting they would be getting so much crap for this.
I can't imagine leaving my husband just because he became ill, even a long term condition. Why did you get married when you clearly don't care about him in the first place?
Sex is important but it's not everything in a relationship, there is intimacy in cuddles and doing romantic things together, if you truly cared about someone you would stay by their side.
I feel sorry for this man that he has had to come to terms with having a serious disability and now his wife is thinking of leaving him.

I think this is incredibly cold on your part. I highly doubt you would feel ok with him doing the same to you if the shoe was on the other foot.
Poor guy hopefully he finds someone who will love him no matter what happens.

That’s not what I got from OP’s posts at all, but rather that they have detached from each other.

Not sure why some people on this thread are persisting in being so judgmental about a situation they know so little about and towards someone who by posting here is reaching out for support and for a space to talk about her feelings.

(My post was in response to a pp saying OP had detached from her partner)

Bet that so many posters wouldn't be so judgemental if they were the one facing being a lifelong carer to a man they've been with for 4 years, alongside having no money, no sex and 3 kids to care for.

Op if you can find a way through together that is of course the best and I'd urge you to get counselling together and/or apart, and also to give some time to get through the first year and this diagnosis.

But I also don't always think it's best for women (pretty much always women) to martyr themselves on the altar of 'sickness and in health'.

I'm not judgemental. I'm 10 years older and it would take me time to get my head round suddenly leaping 30 years into my future.

It isn't just sex but all the plans. A young family, travel, fun etc.

I have a friend who was fine when he got married and a year into marriage he started getting worse with a multitude of illnesses so that he ended up not being able to work or do much else other than manage his pain. His wife married a fit young strong man but for most of their 15 year marriage, she has had to look after a man with the body of a 90 year old. They had to move to a bungalow and their lives are severely restricted and focused on his illness. It also meant they couldn't have children.

I feel so sorry for both of them but they both seem to be happy.

Theoretically we are all just one accident away from being that person who is now limited, life has been changed and this impacts everyone else around them. It has nothing to do with age. I have had a lot of young people through with devastating and life-changing injuries.

I think it’s prudent to step back and think on how you would want the situation to play out for you if the shoe had been on the other foot so to speak. It’s just luck it’s not really.

I'm afraid, OP that this is something that can happen in any relationship, and when it does, it puts a huge strain on it. At the end of the day it's down to how much you love your partner and are willing to compromise and take on tasks or higher workload that you would normally have not had to do

I developed back and other health problems (I'm also a fair bit older than my partner) at what would still be considered a young age (50) and cannot do lots of things now. We don't have kids, but still, a lot of things now fall on my partner. I have adjusted over the years and so has he, we are now in a good place, but it's not easy.

It's difficult for both of you but in different ways. Him because he is now having to learn to live within new restrictions. Over time he will learn to cope well and will be able to do more, but there will be things he can no longer do. For you, you have to learn to accept this and accept your life with him will not be as you had mentally mapped out. Both of you have a lot of adjusting to do and must work at developing a new type of relationship. You will need to talk a lot about it, the suggestion of counselling is a good one.

Hi Op I know you've had lots of answers but I throughly I would say hi.

I appreciate both sides here as I am in a similar situation. With my DH health and have been for a few years however his is MH and it has completely changed our relationship, he struggles everyday he isn't well enough to work full time has been in and out of hospital.

I have had to accept our relationship because I married him. I have had to accept being the one that earns the money and runs the house, I have had to accept little emotional support from him, lack of affection, lack of intimacy, lack of sex, possibly never having DC
Those of you saying OP is focusing a lot on sex maybe haven't experienced a dry spell. It plays on your mind wondering what's wrong why they aren't interested do they not love you anymore and then you grieve the fact as op is that it might never be what you had/ expected.

Op it's not your partners fault and I would be encouraging you to support him as much as possible with counselling etc to process his feelings I can imagine he is completely broken by what's happened and will miss sex as much as you but men have different ways of showing things.

Also op be kind to yourself! You need to build yourself a support network don't be shy to ask for help talk to your friends about how hard it is etc see if someone can babysit for a night or is there an option for having seperate bedrooms for a while to help with sleep? If your partner manages to sleep better he might cope better during the day and be more present
Also counselling for you and both of you together

I would try and focus on the positives he sounds attentive in other areas and shows he loves you - treasure hunts etc I would cope much better if my DH was able to do that.

Also yes to PIP you should definitely apply and you can have it even if working and use it to help you both even if for childcare etc. Are their charities for the syndrome he has? They might have people to help you apply we had a charity help with my DH application,

It's ok to feel this way and have bad days I do and sometimes it's hard to keep it from hubby if I think about lack of sex too much etc it gets to me but I have to put it to the back of my mind and focus on other things keep busy etc it's not ideal but it's making the most of it, hopefully for us things will improve.

Once you are both feeling more settled and have adapted to the situation you are in you can then work on new ways to be a couple work out what does and doesn't work.

But also I guess if you decide this isn't what you want for the rest of your life then yes you should leave, sometimes I wish I could but I have to push those feelings aside for my marriage

I can see your issue, you’ve actually not been together very long. I think it’s very different if this hits a relationship twenty thirty years down the line, but four or five is a different ballgame

However, I would urge you not to make any decisions right now. You’ve been through such major life changes, a pandemic, a baby, his illness. He was only fell ill eight months ago, and you’re both adjusting.

I’d give it more time if I could, if I was you, another year, and see how your lives evolve. You go back to work, your baby will get a bit older, he will adjust to his condition and learn how to manage it more.

If you still feel the same, then end it kindly and amicably, but I’d say don’t end it when you’re literally in the eye of the storm.

This is a really awful thing to have happened, for both of you. But I agree with PPs it sounds like you don’t actually love him and are chomping at the bit to bolt and find someone who fits your requirements. You say you wouldn’t have had your baby if you’d known this would happen but you’re spectacularly missing the point. When you decide to marry or have a child with someone you are committing to them, knowing that the future is an unknown and anything might happen. If your love was conditional then you shouldn’t have had a baby with him. Because now there is a poor child who will end up split between two homes. And will he realistically be able to care for a toddler on his contact time? You say you want what’s best for your child but it doesn’t sound like that’s actually true.

Of course this is awful and so hard for you and I sympathise. If it happened to my husband I would be beyond devastated. But I can’t imagine for one second leaving him over it. If he can’t have sex then neither can I, because he’s the only one I’m interested in having sex with. Because I love him absolutely and unconditionally.

You say the issue is general intimacy, being more like friends-that’s stuff you can work on. Of course he needs to be willing to do that too but I’d be interested to hear his take on this situation. He’s the one who is actually suffering in pain every day yet you don’t seem to give much concern for that in your posts. It’s early days so I would give it some time but if you’re going to leave him over this then I guess do it sooner rather than later and don’t be surprised if the grass isn’t as green without him as you expect.

I’m sorry you have had some harsh replies on here. It sounds like such a difficult situation and you are being honest about your totally understandable feelings. I imagine you are writing down what you are afraid to voice in the real world because you fear judgement. I totally get that your life has been turned upside down. Having a baby is such a huge event in itself, so exhausting. Then there’s the pandemic and all the isolation that brings, and then the shock of discovering that the man you share your life with has a life-changing condition and has suddenly changed - in many ways. I get that although you may not even want sex now it’s so hard to accept that you may never have it again. It’s a loss, you must feel grief - and loneliness because you don’t want people to judge you as heartless if you talk about how it makes you feel. Can you try and talk to your partner honestly? Part of the distance between you is probably his misery that he is facing illness and can’t be the man he once was, and that he is ruining your life, while you are probably locked in your own world, feeling a mixture of sorrow, pity guilt - and exhaustion. I do think counselling would help, whether together or on your own... you need to talk through such a tangle of complex feelings. Wishing you all the best

You have every right to question your future, op.

Accepting that your partner has changed (through no fault of his own) and sex may not happen again is not something I would have been willing to accept at 40.

You have already drifted and this is unlikely to change without intervention of some kind.

If the love has gone, for whatever reason, you have every right to reassess your marriage and future.

I really felt for you reading your post. It's very easy for people to be judgemental behind a keyboard but living your reality is a very different story.

I also recommend counselling for yourself to work through your feelings. I also wonder if you fear judgement from others for leaving when your husband is now "ill".

it is your decision op, not one for discussion imo,
not shocking

Bet that so many posters wouldn't be so judgemental if they were the one facing being a lifelong carer to a man they've been with for 4 years, alongside having no money, no sex and 3 kids to care for. quite. So many theoretical martyrs on this thread enjoying the public stoning of a woman who dares to say "I don't know if I can cope with this".

OP has 3 children, is the main breadwinner and now has a disabled partner to care for. I think she's allowed to feel a bit sorry for herself.

OP the sleepless nights are obviously exacerbating the situation and your negative thoughts. Sleep deprivation isn't a form of torture for nothing. Can you express and get your partner doing some nights, or switch to formula? With a clearer head you may feel better able to cope.

Your partner needs to accept and address what his diagnosis means for him (obviously) but for you too, and that's best explored via counselling. Good luck 💐

[quote Trustisamust]@Frownette It's been a whirlwind for sure. Our baby being a lockdown baby has been very tough in itself, as well as everything else.[/quote]
Don’t you have family who you could do either a household bubble or a childcare bubble with to help with the baby? Then re household stuff if you are doing the physical load could he do the mental re eg paying bills online?

It sounds like you want to leave OP and I don't think you should be judged for that.
It is a very hard situation to be in and I personally don't think I could tie myself to a life of misery at such a young age.
People will judge you though so you need to have a thick skin if you choose to walk away.
Talk to him and see if he has any suggestions first but other than an open relationship I don't see another option.

It’s incredibly hard for you both. If you can view this as a family issue rather than an issue with him it may help. It’s not his fault and it affects you all. Yes, you can leave but don’t make him feel responsible for things outside his control.

Can I ask where your other 2 children are? I assume they live with you as well ? If so no wonder you are exhausted and at the end of your reserves. Is there anyone who can take the baby for the odd night to let you rest ? Can you take more time off work or will work help.to make you feel better?
Really this is no time to be making a life changing decision. You and your partner need counselling and time to work through the logistics of your new life. If you throw the towel.in you may regret it massively and if I was you I would try to carve out some time to do something just for you once in a while which will be easier once things start to open up again. Get out and have a coffee with a friend etc . I think that would really help you to feel like a separate person again. I know how hard it is being on caring duties round the clock and this last year has been incredibly challenging all round anyway. So I would give it time .