Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

[quote Trustisamust]@NiceGerbil It is a syndrome - he won't recover from it sadly.[/quote]
He might never "recover" but he will (hopefully) get used to managing his condition, benefit from proper physio (once that is a thing again) and adapt. It sounds like you are more upset about the general loss of intimacy rather than just the lack of sex? But there are lots of ways of being intimate, physically close that dont involve PIV. It may well feel out of reach now - you are both exhausted - you with caring for your baby and him with his illness and to be honest intimacy goes out of the window for many couples the first year after having a child (even without the huge strain of his illness). But that might well change.

I am not saying you should never leave him if you feel trapped and miserable - it is unlikely to be great for him to be in a loveless relationship either. But I would give time for the dust to settle - both from the birth of your child and his diagnosis (and actually also for life to get more "normal" with the whole covid situation. That wont be helping your trapped feeling).

@WeekendCEO

Of course it is. But not more important than the person. You don’t just give up when things get tough when you’re committed. But clearly you’re not, so do him a favour and leave. Let’s hope you don’t discard others in your life quite so easily if things get tough.

100% this ^

OP if you love (I mean REALLY love) someone, you don’t bail. It is that simple. I understand why you’re struggling but it doesn’t sound like you really love him.

Base?

For talking about the realities of life??

What did I say that was base?

I talked about some really personal stuff.

What did I say that was base?

[quote Trustisamust]@NiceGerbil I don't really know why you have to be so base and also, you clearly haven't read my replies. It's not just about sex. You clearly have little grasp of how an illness can damage a relationship on so many different levels. I wish you well.[/quote]
For what its worth I can completely sympathise with how your are feeling. Apart from anything else we all (male and female) enjoy being "cared for" by our partner in different ways. It must be so hard at the moment because you are in a full on caring role - both for your child and presumably for your partner and receiving very little back (which can happen in a lot of relationships except this time it isnt his fault). That must be shit. Its why you need to be kind to yourself.

That's really annoyed be me

He had a catastrophe medical incident when you had a tiny baby.

You say you need to talk to him. Have you not been talking about it all the time?

He has lost his mobility. He's only young.

That's massive. Traumatising. Hard. Did both of you

You obviously want out. Your posts say it loud and clear.

As a woman with s life long disability, find 6 childhood. And who essentially checked out for years due to peri and post natal depression...

It's only 8 mouths since he had this incident. A massive live changing incident.

You want to leave him. You don't love him. There's no concern for him in your posts.

So leave.

This happened to us OP, about 10 years ago now. We were in our 30s and had all these plans - another child, buy a house, change career etc - and then, quite quickly really, he was disabled and medically retired.

When it sank in, that he wasn’t going to get better, I felt that I’d been robbed. I didn’t tell him this but I tried to tell others and they were horrified at me. I was constantly told to think about how he felt, how it wasn’t his fault, how lucky I was that it wasn’t me, and on and on until I learned to keep my feelings to myself. Writing that has made me want to cry. For clarity, I was never angry with him and I’ve always loved him.

I stayed and, after a really bad few years, things are finally better. We’re late 40s now, never had another child, moved to a disabled friendly home and I’ve become the breadwinner. Our sex life isn’t typical (can’t really do PIV) or very frequent but it’s ok. I have accepted the limitations on our lives and, most of the time, I’m pretty happy.

If I could do it all again I would try harder to find someone to talk to. For years I felt so angry and depressed and I was desperate to escape. Talking about what I’d lost and how pissed off I felt a lot of the time would have really helped.

I would give yourself some time before making a decision and get some counselling. Good luck x

@TheEmperorIsNaked Thank you so much for your advice and understanding. I agree - I think it would be really good for us both to talk about it. Thing is I guess I'm scared to for fear that I'll be labelled as "selfish" as it's not me with the illness, is it?
But I'm only human. We both have found this so difficult. I want him to talk about it too although I'm not sure I'm the right person for him to be able to get everything out that he needs to say?

One thing which really stands out is how recent all this is, both of you must be reeling from all these life changes.

If you were actually in love with him (as opposed to loving him as you would a friend or family member) then you wouldn't have posted what you have on here. No, I wouldn't ever consider leaving my husband if he was suddenly disabled and it meant we could no longer have sex. I do feel sorry for the guy, but equally you shouldn't feel obligated to stay with someone you've lost feelings for. Life's too short and he deserves the possibility of meeting someone who wants him even with his condition/syndrome. But if you decide to leave him you really should focus on how to leave him as kindly as possible - he's already going through a lot.

@Frownette It's been a whirlwind for sure. Our baby being a lockdown baby has been very tough in itself, as well as everything else.

Hi OP - I take it he has Cauda Equina Syndrome from what you describe? Was he put on the National Spinal Cord Injury database when he was diagnosed? He should have been, to ensure he got the appropriate follow up with regards to bladder, bowel and erectile dysfunction. It is really helpful to think about this as a spinal cord injury rather than a ‘syndrome’ because that’s exactly what it is - spinal cord injuries aren’t just experienced by 19 year olds wrapping motor bikes around trees. What your DP has experienced is mechanically exactly the same thing (compression of the spinal cord) and has come out with many of the same problems, and it’s really no less traumatic, even though CES is often erroneously referred to as a ‘non-traumatic’ spinal cord injury.

Many of our CES patients go on for inpatient rehab at a spinal injuries unit, and may even be considered for a period of inpatient rehab after they’ve been home for a bit if their team don’t feel they’ve been optimised. Also, you’re both very much eligible for support and advice from the Spinal Injuries Association - they have a wealth of information, resources and support regarding bladder/bowel/ED. If nothing else, finding out that he is very much not alone may be helpful. Don’t really pin hopes on physio at this stage - there really isn’t anything more they’re going to help your DP to achieve at this stage. I assume he would have had post-op face to face physio as that’s never stopped through the pandemic? Once his mobility has plateaued, however, it really is up to him to keep himself maintained, but as you say he’s not keen on the exercises he’s been given, and all a physio is going to do now is reiterate the same thing.

You and he are really, really not alone and the things you’re thinking and feeling are shared problems by many people around the country so I highly recommend you look into the Spinal Injuries Association at the very least

Sounds such early days. For his syndrome and also the new baby. I have a 10 month old, I know how it is. Also have 2 older DC.

Have you exhausted ALL physical and emotional ‘treatments’ and help that is around? Don’t throw away your relationship - surely it’s worth looking into every Avenue that could give you some of those things back that you’re both missing.

What is the diagnosis/syndrome he has? Maybe other people can give some personal experiences of it?

I didn't mean that to read so harshly. I stand by what I said but I meant to also make it clear that I can tell that you're suffering too. He's not the only one who has been impacted by his disability. You've been through a lot too. But you both deserve to be with someone who accepts you as you are, and if you're not that person to each other, you shouldn't stay together. You will start resenting him and end up with no chance of an amicable co-parenting relationship.

Hi OP,

So to me it sounds like you are having a bit of a panic which is understandable. It also feels like you are viewing things possibly a bit too black and white such as him not recovering. He may not recover but he will adapt and things, with time, should become easier.

It's very early days. A life changing event with your partner's health at the beginning of your baby's life... That is a lot to deal with for you both! There will be a grieving process for the life you thought you would both have then a period of adjustment where you will adapt and create a new plan and lifestyle. How is your communication? Is your partner open about the impact this syndrome is having on him? Is he doing everything he can to help himself as opposed to being stubborn or in denial? It's a lot more tough to stand by someone long-term who is not being proactive with their illness.

This isn't someone you are casually dating and you have a child together. Unless you were already unhappy before this illness even occurred then I would really urge you to be patient with him (and yourself) and give it time. Give him time. And remember that you're doing all this while tired and looking after a baby so that will also add another dynamic to your experience.

By the way, it sounds like he should be able to claim PIP which is not means tested. There is good advice online about how to fill the forms in correctly, for example when answering a question about washing and dressing myself independently, the answer may well be yes but it takes me ages, increases pain and leaves me fatigued for a while afterwards. You really have to think about the answers as it can be very easy to come across as being absolutely fine when in fact you could have a severe disability.

Oh I know. It’s selfish to think about sex, money, accommodation, work ... when you have a disabled partner. Unconditional love and devotion are what’s expected from us.

I would go for separate counselling if I were you. You won’t want him to hear everything that’s on your mind. And don’t put up with a counsellor that makes you feel ashamed. Your feelings are normal. You need to talk through them and explore your options.

You indicated earlier that your fiancé hasn’t applied for PIP yet. Just so you’re aware, it’s not a means-tested benefit so he can get it regardless of working. It’s a pita to apply for but once you’ve jumped through the hoops it’s well worth it.

Off to be now. Take care OP x

@TheEmperorIsNaked

Oh I know. It’s selfish to think about sex, money, accommodation, work ... when you have a disabled partner. Unconditional love and devotion are what’s expected from us.

I would go for separate counselling if I were you. You won’t want him to hear everything that’s on your mind. And don’t put up with a counsellor that makes you feel ashamed. Your feelings are normal. You need to talk through them and explore your options.

You indicated earlier that your fiancé hasn’t applied for PIP yet. Just so you’re aware, it’s not a means-tested benefit so he can get it regardless of working. It’s a pita to apply for but once you’ve jumped through the hoops it’s well worth it.

Off to be now. Take care OP x

Finally someone with empathy and experience of your situation! I've been reading with increasing horror some of the responses to your honest and understandable feelings. You are only venting on a forum but I think some of the rose tinted ideas of the sacrifices you are supposed to be making and the guilt they are looking for is just shit. I agree take your time. You and he need to talk seriously to others and each other about the future. Then decide what's going to make all of you happiest. You, your children and him. Good luck.

I really feel for both you and your partner OP. Having a baby often changes the dynamics of a relationship on its own, but for your partner to also be diagnosed with a significant health condition with life altering consequences must be incredibly difficult and although your partner is the one with the diagnosis, of course this will affect you too-and it is OK to acknowledge that.

You have mentioned a few times that you feel the intimacy and closeness has gone-and although you said sex is part of it, it is not the only intimacy that has been lost. Have you spoken to your partner about how to feel close to each other? Although sexual closeness might not be possible, are you able to cuddle, hold hands, kiss? How about things like gentle massage, taking a bath together? I imagine that your partner will be struggling with the same things you are-it is life changing for him and he may be withdrawing from intimacy through depression, fear that you will leave or even pushing you to leave as he feels guilty at what his diagnosis means for you. You really need to talk to him if you want to make your relationship work-and it may be you find a new normal together, but unless you talk to each other, it will just stay as the elephant in the room.

With regards to sex, it isn't clear from your posts whether medication would help, whether penetrative sex is physically possible or whether that is completely off the cards. What I would say though is it sounds like your partner has retained some general physical ability (you mentioned he can play on the floor with your daughter for short periods for example), although he fatigues quickly. Without knowing the extent to which your partner is affected it is difficult to make suggestions, but from what you have said, It doesn't sound like all sexual activity is impossible-it might be you need to explore the new normal for you both together.

Finally, don't feel bad for acknowledging how you are feeling-especially on here as a sounding board rather than to your partner. I can only imagine how he must be feeling. He will also be mourning the loss of the same things as you, but he will always have to live with this-whereas, to put it bluntly, you can just leave. He will need reassurance from you, patience and understanding. If you love each other and are willing to adapt, you can make it work.

Intimacy and sex are incredibly important in a relationship and it is OK to feel sad if those things are lost or changed. Only you can decide if you can work with your partner to reestablish intimacy and whether you can work at sexual intimacy as well. I do think some couples' counselling would be helpful.

I wish you the best of luck OP.

I’m sorry but it sounds like we come from completely different worlds.

Whether or not you “believe” in marriage, you’ve committed to your fiancé enough to:

1. Promise to marry him, and
2. Have a baby with him

You’re now thinking of leaving him because his health is poor.

Do you love him?

Love is not a “feeling” of “intimacy”, and it’s not dependent on shared interests. Love is a promise, whether you make it in a church, town hall or just in your heart. You love the person, not the characteristics. If the person you love changes over time, you continue to love the changed version.

That’s my view anyway! That’s why I married as soon as I decided to commit to him, had babies after, and will stay with him through thick and thin.

Did he have cauda equina? Thats an appalling condition for anyone to have and totally not his fault. I'm sorry but why the hell did you marry him if you are not prepared to support him in sickness and in health?
I took care of my husband for 20 years as the main wage earner he told me he loved me everyday then he dumped me the very second I got seriously ill. He didn't even pick me up from hospital. I lost my job, my house and my car.
I've got my life back now. New job and slightly smaller house but I will never forgive him. He hasn't contacted me once since he left.
Fair weather partner. I wouldn't do that to a dog never mind my husband.

I think the very first thing you need is sleep @Trustisamust. If his mum is ill, do you have any other family or friends nearby? I would be more than happy to help out a friend in your situation by taking the baby overnight (if possible feedwise) or at least for most of a day/weekend while you sleep between feeds. Or your older children?

Don’t make any dramatic decisions when you are sleep deprived in a global pandemic. Having a baby is always a game changer, doing it in the pandemic without any of your usual support, and then this on top, it was always going to be dreadful. You can’t give your baby and partner support if your own cup is empty.

Re closeness, try family cuddles to help connect.

I too wonder about hugs and general affection OP. Have those gone as well and if so are you able to talk to your partner about it?

I am getting the impression maybe both of you find it difficult to talk about your feelings? If this is the case was it also true before your partner’s diagnosis?

I lived in a practically sexless relationship for a long time but there was also no affection, no kindness, no communication. Different situation I know but I was trying to say that I think affection, kindness and being able to talk would have made a huge difference to me.

I am wondering what you mean when you say that general intimacy has gone. How did you and your partner express affection before (aside from sex), and how do you express it now, if at all?

In an ideal world, but one in which your partner is still disabled, how would you like your relationship to be? Once the dust has settled I mean.

Some posters have made so many helpful suggestions, especially @ElphabaTheGreen IMO, regarding the support you could both get. Are you and your partner able to consider things like that or maybe you have already?

Also, ignore the judgmental posts on this thread .

I also have a partner with long term / chronic health issues. I knew it when first getting into the relationship (when we started getting serious we had to have "the talk" about it all and where we were going). I decided to commit and stay with him and we are now engaged - should have been married in 2020 but now will be 2022. He's the love of my life and I can't wait.

I have no regrets or concerns at all about my decision. I know that I could well end up as his carer one day, and there are many things about our life that have to be a bit different to other couples our age (we are 30's/40's). If we ever have children - which we want to - I know I will be doing the brunt of the work.

I suppose the point is that I love him. There's not anything I can do to change that and I'll be around whatever, because that's just how it is. I don't question it really.

I don't mean to be presumtuous but it sounds like you are really questioning your whole relationship with your partner. If there is a disability or a health condition then you will need such a strong and certain love to get through it. If you're questioning things then I would definitely recommend having some counselling to really work out how you feel, because without a very strong love you won't be able to get through all of the additional stresses on your relationship as a result of his condition.

It's also worth considering that you've got a very young baby and this could be partly circumstantial - you might feel differently when she's a bit older and you are not always up in the night with her.

I hope you figure it all out and find the solution that's best for you both and your daughter.

2 of my close friends have husbands with life debilitating/ life limiting illnesses and of course it has changed their relationships but neither has left their husband.
When you commit to someone it’s ‘for better for worse, in sickness and in health’. If you leave him that’s your prerogative but I understand why lots of posters are saying what they are saying even though some of the posts seem harsh.

@NiceGerbil

I really feel for both of you and the situation.

I was going to write some stuff but as I scrolled the posts seemed to really focus on sex which I find a bit odd TBH. This happened when you had an 8 week old and your baby is 10 months now.

You have a young baby and a sudden massive health issue with your husband and sex is your main concern?

I didn't fancy sex for a good year after each baby and I had really bad MH problems. He didn't leave me.

How disabled is he? You say that he puts treasure hunts around the house etc. And plays with the baby. Is he using a wheelchair or crutches? Is he in an enormous amount of pain? Has he got cognitive issues?

I mean if the only problem is he's not fucking you, when he's still recovering from what sounds like a serious and scary medical emergency, and you have a 10 month old to look after. Then that seems not right to me.

What a nasty tone this post has She is within her rights to miss sex yes even 10 months post giving birth (!) and the point is that he's never going to be able to have an active sex life again OP I wouldn't stay under those conditions. I don't love anybody enough to write off the rest of my life until one of us dies.