Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

@Trustisamust I think others have already said this earlier in the thread, but it really is early days in him and his doctors learning to manage his particular manifestation of his illness.

There are things such as a vacuum pump that can be used for sex, which he could get from a urologist.

Anything will take a bit of persistence on his part and trial and error.

For instance, they can try different pain management techniques so he feels able to sit out for longer etc.

@endlesscraziness OP may be partly just letting off steam. Adjusting to a sudden diagnosis of a spinal syndrome is very difficult for the sufferer and their family. As far as we know OP has been flawless in how she's responded to her partner's serious illness and considerable care needs. I doubt it's the same sitution but if it is, your husband has maybe let off steam to someone at some point.

That is healthy.

Expressing frustration etc also helps people canvas other people's ideas of how to deal with the situation.

@ MrsHastingslikethebattle

You need to calm down.

My lovely man and I got together late in life. He had ED but we still managed some very satifying non-POV sex.

@TheSilveryPussycat Aw fab to hear 😊 May I ask how old you were? I don't feel "older" at 40 but I know everyone is different.

We were both 59, it was 2012 (though sadly he died suddenly nearly 2 years ago). I did once PM someone who thought her and her DP's sex life was over, with some ideas. I could PM you similar if you would like.

Although I expect you can think of some things already

Am going out on a limb guessing that is cauda equina syndrome if is cass

I had a one of bout unfortunately surgery not work fit me so am paraplegic after complications

Has he joined any support groups and yourself as well it is early days and both your worlds turned upside down .There are further options for intimate relationship side further down road

You are welcome to message me if want

@Gingerninja4 Many of us have already said Cauda Equina and signposted to the relevant support organisations. She doesn’t seem to want to confirm, deny or acknowledge. I think she just wants a ‘should I stay or should I go’ vent.

Ah was going back to read rest of it ,it just screamed it to me as having been there

It did cost me my relationship but for me it was best thing as did not want someone who was not willing to work through it

Children are mine so not issue and am a full time wheelchair user but it did take lot of time for me to adjust to whole idea of a spinal issue etc but life is good now and have dated since

Op may just need time to adjust

Hi all. Thanks so much to those of you who have been so kind to offer your support, it really makes me feel less alone.
Yes it is CES (which is his main diagnosis), but now sciatica and arthritis on top which he thinks must be due to everything else having to compensate for his knackered back!
I know how much he wants to be involved and present for our baby girl and he does really try here. It's not through lack of effort on his part. I mean we always new he'd be an older dad at 46, but not quite like this.
Of course being older ourselves equals older parents (his are both almost 80 and live 1.5 hrs away). I am blessed with a mum who lives in the same village and, despite a serious cancer diagnosis a few years back, is currently in good health and helps out as much as she can with the kids. I am beyond grateful to her.
That's the only family support we have and I don't know anybody else at all with small kids. It's not easy but I think we do well really under the circumstances.
I think for me the most difficult thing is the exhaustion. Baby was unsettled again last night from 3 - 9 am. Oh what I would give for some sleep! It's not too bad at the moment as I try to nap when she does in the day, but no idea how I am going to cope with it when I'm back at work ft. It's really worrying me!! You can see by the time of some of these posts how bad it is!!

@TheSilveryPussycat I'm sorry for your loss xx

This might be really, really wrong of me.But just in case it helps...

@Alcemeg Sadly with CES you can't "recover" like this guy did. Mainly because it involves irreversible nerve damage. Also, for the guy in the clip, his excessive weight was definitely an initial contributing factor. My OH is tall and lean (like a beanpole!)

You're going on about 6 years like it's a massive age gap! At your age its not.

The real issue is you dont want to stay with him now hes less useful in your life. It's all alot harder with a young baby, maybe hang in there for a year or two?

@Notashandyta Of course it wasn't at first when we were both physically healthy/relatively healthy. But that isn't the case now. The age gap is irrelevant. Sadly his almost 80 yo father is more active than he is now

Do you feel as though you are in a rush to make this decision, it's obviously on your mind, as an option about leaving him.

Apart from the sex are there other issues you feel you would not be able to cope with. Is he offering the 'if you don't want to stay with me I will understand' conversation.

All questions.
I'm sorry for the loss of your husbands health and how it must impact greatly on the birth of your child and future.

@Onthedunes I'm not in a rush at all (I ceetainly wouldn't be looking for another relationship), although I wouldn't want to drag things out if they got to a point where we knew it definitely wasn't going to work out. I don't think that would be fair on anybody.

It's not just the sex, it's so much more than that which has changed since his operations.

I know it could be a lot worse for him so I do know I should count my blessings and be grateful for what we do have.

I’ve been there except I was the ill one. I got diagnosed with a Bowel condition which while it meant I could still have sex it used to hurt. I was with my ex partner at the time of diagnosis. My ex walked away from me too because he said he wanted a normal partner and I wasn’t the woman he fell in love with . So from my side walk away from him he deserves so much better. None of us ask to be ill and you don’t fall in love with the person for sex you fall for them. My ex left 5 years ago and while it still kills me I realise I deserve a whole lot better and I’ve had it. If you can’t live without intimacy it’s fine but walk away you both deserve it.

You must feel as though you are at some sort of crossroads in your life, on the one hand you would have to come to terms with the acceptance of the situation or make plans to start on a different road in life.
I must admit some of the previous posters who feel you are un sympathetic to your partners situation are maybe looking at it from a first marriage situation.
Maybe not, It wouldn't have phased me but I am older and understand chronic illness, I think it can be different for second shorter marriages as you go into them as a sort of re birth and for that to be cut dead so suddenly must be a shock to the system.
All the trials and tribulations youv'e gone through to be together, just to be taken away so cruely.
I would talk to a counsellor to explore your feelings.

He's not old before his time, he has a health condition. As you say his 80yo father is more active than him.

I'm not sure what you'd gain from separating, apart from freeing yourself to find a new partner.

If you were married I would say work on trying to rebuild the intimacy and kindness you once had. As you're not married and obviously don't have a deep love for him yu need to move forward in the gentlest way. I can't help wondering how he will be able to support himself on his low wage.

[quote Trustisamust]@Alcemeg Sadly with CES you can't "recover" like this guy did. Mainly because it involves irreversible nerve damage. Also, for the guy in the clip, his excessive weight was definitely an initial contributing factor. My OH is tall and lean (like a beanpole!) [/quote]
Sorry, now that I am sober I know that perfectly well and can't believe I posted that!

I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better for you.

Having a baby is v tough and dealing with this is tough on you both and will put you under immense strain.
I’ll say this as someone who is the ‘ill’ person- your confidence is quashed and you feel the burden you place. Especially if the partner makes you feel ‘changed’ and like you’ve hindered their life. I’m sure you haven’t done that and I know it must be so tough. But if you don’t feel you can’t cope staying be careful withyour words- telling him he’s old before his time etc is very hard as he will be feeling this is acutely himself.
For myself, I don’t want to be made to feel guilty about what’s happened to me so I’d prefer the partner left. Not saying at all that’s what’s happening here but just giving the complexity of the other side to this.
What does he say on this? I’ve not heard that mentioned and I think it’s key.
I’d suggest you both have counselling to support you through a tough time. It’s terribly sad for you both

My partner wouldn't want me to stay if things don't work out. He certainly wants a "traditional" relationship, as do I, so the open relationship options which some posters have suggested wouldn't work.
My hope is that things will get easier for us both as our daughter gets a little older (and sleeps more!) but we shall see. I know each stage of parenting will bring its own challenges. He is a brilliant dad.
I wouldn't be worried for him financially - although he has always been on a low wage he has got by and is blessed with supportive parents who are very kind to him moneywise and would never have him struggle. I'm also going to look into PIP so thank you if you've suggested that.
I'm not saying we are going to go our separate ways tomorrow, and my hope is we can get through this together, but at the same time I don't want us to bury our heads in the sand regarding the future.
I am definitely going to suggest counselling to him as I really think it would help.

I think you both sound amazing personally. Like you say, no rush, take it a day at a time. Good luck Trust 🙂