Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

He has to do his part. Tell him how you feel. He need to do his exercises and use his crutches and make healthy choices so he is as strong and healthy as possible for his child and family.

Well you're not married but if you care about him I'd give it a bit of time before you separate. Your baby is very young you will be exhausted and lack intimacy even without the condition. Talk to him about what he wants to do. You need to explain you aren't standing by him.

I do feel sorry for him.

Where are your other two children? You don’t mention them when describing your home setup?

@IndecentCakes

I'm not sure I'd hurry into making any big decisions with a 10 month old. When my last baby was that age (I was also 40) I was absolutely on my knees and everything my husband did pissed me off.

I think this is very true. You mentioned your baby isn’t sleeping more than 3 hours a night and that is likely to change soon. Hopefully very soon. And It might be the beginning of you regaining your sanity.

I’m concerned though that although you praise DP as a Father, I’m not reading any other positives. Just now you have it tough and should be being supported by your partner and instead you are having to support him.

I would perhaps give it until your little one is sleeping through and see how that affects your feelings about DP, but would never advise any woman to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work for her.

You’re exhausted. This is the worst and most gruelling time with a small baby. Don’t make life changing choices when you’re this tired.

Especially at 40 - you might call yourself a young 40 but you’re still knocking on a bit to cope with a new baby without noticing.

DD will grow up fast: soon you will be less tired. Your other DC will carry on growing up too.

Only when you’re getting enough sleep should you think about big decisions.

I’m surprised how many people think you should sacrifice the next 40 years of your life being a carer because it’s the “right” thing to do! No he didn’t ask for this, but nor did you. Plus staying and resenting him would be hell for both of you.

That being said, I would give it a little more time. See how things go when he can get proper physio etc, seek out support and yes maybe counselling. I think the “right” thing to do is give it a good go, but if you are still going to be unhappy then walk away. No one can say then you haven’t tried. But I don’t agree with sacrificing yourself for the rest of your life to keep someone else happy.

At the moment it feels like we are friends rather than partners and I don't know if that will change or if we will be able to change that

It is extremely common to experience this distance after childbirth and your tiredness will also be related to having a baby later in life. Having a baby at 40 will be more tiring so don't expect this to be the same as your previous children.

Your partner is having to focus on his health and given the pandemic his recovery will be slower.

Have you and him located online support groups for his condition? The first year of any diagnosis is the worse, could you be assuming the most negative outcome?

However you are entitled to feel aggrieved that life has dealt you this hand but I think you need to process the feelings and not rush any decisions. The alternative life of being a single mum to 3 children may not be better than the life you have now. The idea of a happy family with 3 children and step father may not be realistic. Are you the poster who also has a very difficult relationship with your Ex H?

What most people picked up was your assessment of his age rather than ill health. Are you also struggling to cope with getting older, Dldo you feel life is passing you by?

[quote Trustisamust]@stoopider This is how I feel. But I also feel selfish for feeling that way.
Do I just accept intimacy is pretty much now something to be forgotten? That we can't go out together anywhere that involves sitting down for more than about half an hour? That we will always struggle being away from home as he needs a specific mattress?
I know it sounds selfish because it's happened to him, but it's an awful lot to give up.[/quote]
Well you're a catch aren't you.

You don't love him, leave him, he's better off without you.

Can you bring forward any of your childcare plans for when you go back to work so that you can get some sleep? Perhaps get some advice on finances and entitlement to benefits to help with this. I can only imagine that trying to rebuild intimacy in a difficult situation when you are exhausted seems like a mountain too high to climb, so I would try to deal with small steps at a time until you feel in a position to make decisions.

@HaveringWavering

Where are your other two children? You don’t mention them when describing your home setup?

I recognise this posters situation with her partner, she’s in a massive constant battle with her ExH over their 2 DSs in terms of where they live/how they split child arrangements and maintenance. I suspect that’s why she’s not mentioned; the ExH was inciting the older DS into saying the baby would die as she was an older mum IIRC.

I'm sorry but if this was a man posting they would be getting so much crap for this

I think you're right about if a man posted on mumsnet, he would. But in reality is if a partner gets a cancer diagnosis for instance then the divorce rate caused is 20% men leave, 2% women.

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

I have previously read the stats on if a partner goes blind the ratio of men leaving women is much higher, I can't find the stats right now but it was pretty shocking.

I do think women are expected to take on the caring roles in society more than men.
I think it sounds like you are struggling with a horrendous situation OP and in a fairly new relationship with three children to look after it is not an easy decision.

He has to do his part. Tell him how you feel. He need to do his exercises and use his crutches and make healthy choices so he is as strong and healthy as possible for his child and family.

I agree with this. I wonder if it's a case of him 'quitting' and you finding his attitude a turn off, rather than the illness?
I feel like you need to be honest with him. Discuss co-parenting, your relationship going forward, long term plans to move etc.

If you leave what do you think will improve?
Will you be less tired?
Re sex- how will you manage a new relationship with 3 kids, 1 a baby who doesn't sleep, and a job?
Are you sure you aren't focusing on the proverbial green grass rather than how you can improve your current situation?

OP, I think some of the responses you're getting might be down to the tone of your thread title. I opened it expecting it to be about him wearing a cardi and fussing over the lawn!

My dh was diagnosed with a serious condition when our first baby was 6 weeks old. His condition isn't anything like your dh but those first few months were just horrific, I didn't know if he was going to live or die or how altered he would be in the future.

You've been through 2 major life events, you won't have had time to process those things properly yet. My advice would be to get some support for yourself, both practically with the baby and counselling just for you. Don't worry about being perceived as selfish, you need an opportunity to give voice to your darkest fears. A counsellor will understand that.

Give both of you some time to adjust to the new situation, explore whether there are work arounds/improvements that may be helpful to both of you. You don't have to rush into a decision right now, the option to leave isn't going away but your current circumstances won't necessarily be for ever.

You don't have to stay in a relationship if you don’t want to. You don’t have to sacrifice the next 40 years of your life to be someone’s carer just because some posters on this site are martyrs and say they would.

But think about it. Make sure you’re not being rushed into staying or going because you are completely exhausted and overwhelmed. Make the right decision for you.

I’m surprised how many people think you should sacrifice the next 40 years of your life being a carer because it’s the “right” thing to do! No he didn’t ask for this, but nor did you. Plus staying and resenting him would be hell for both of you.

Nobody is saying that,just that op needs a bit of time.
Let things fall in to place.
Counselling and talking to people who've been where she is.

I think if the op wants to leave,she should but after all avenues have been explored.
She owes herself,her child and her do that at least.

My other two much older kids live with their dad half of the time. Not my choice, court ordered 7 years ago.

OP as awful as it sounds you don't have to stay out of pity. This is your life too, it's a short one and you deserve to be happy.

I have every sympathy for your partner, it is very unpleasant what he is suffering with but you will possibly end up resenting him if you stay, as you will see that he has taken the life away from you that you want. Although I acknowledge that it isn't his fault, no one is obligated to stay with anyone for any reason.

You need to have a real think. Whilst it would be incredibly sad for your partner if you left, it would be worse for your child to grow up in a household with an unhappy mother and father.

You could leave him and end up much worse off. For a start if you are single you still won't have anyone to have sex with! On a more serious note, you could have great sex with strangers but be very lonely.

Or you could meet a rich stud who gives you material things and great sex but is selfish and thoughtless and boring as fuck. Or is emotionally and physically abusive. Or doesn't welcome and include your child. Or you could meet someone pretty much perfect who then develops a chronic illness. Or who leaves you because you become ill.

You are looking at your life now and comparing it with the first three years of your relationship. That's comparing apples and oranges. The idyllic first couple of years of being single and newly in love are always going to be significantly different compared with 4 years together and living with a newborn. Even without the added difficulties of your partners illness your life now is a completely different life. Most couples find this stage of a relationship difficult. Don't throw it away lightly.

For different reasons to you my DH and I haven't had sex for some years. I miss the closeness I felt after us but to leave him because I miss that would be self-defeating. I'd still miss the physical closeness and I'd also lose the emotional closeness and the cuddles and the laughs and our shared history. So I make do with self love for physical satisfaction but I still have him for every other sort of love.

All that being said, you are a young woman in a very difficult situation. You are having a really hard time and have some tough decisions ahead. Would you consider counselling? It might help you clear your mind and settle your priorities.

@flapjackfairy As much as I would love to take more time off work we can't afford for that. My mum is going to have the baby until the summer hols then we will be looking at mum and childminder.

I agree with the poster who said he needs to use the bloody crutches and do the bloody exercises. He also needs to come to counselling with you, if you need him to. And I say all this with someone as a long term health condition. No, I didn't choose my condition, but it is up to me even so to keep myself as healthy as I can and do the right things for my family. At the moment you are the one making all the sacrifices to support his condition; I can see why you would be pissed off, and feel detached.

@Trustisamust I'm so, so sorry to hear this, what a horrible situation to find yourselves in.

You say he is a kind and considerate man, and that he would not want you to be trapped into being his carer for life. I think that's a conversation you need to have with him, putting all your cards on the table with care and honesty.

You didn't sign up for this. Unfortunately neither of you can do anything about the impact of his illness on him, but you can find ways to mitigate its impact on YOUR life. You need the energy to earn the income, look after the baby, etc, and you also need to be able to look forward to a life that is fulfilling.

I wish you all the best for the incredibly difficult conversations you're going to need to have with each other as you work out a way forward that involves him deeply in your life without ruining it for you.

Good luck 💗

[quote Trustisamust]@MrsMaizel I'm not complaining, I just don't know whether to stay together. He isn't the man I fell in love with.
If I had changed so much I would perhaps be understanding if he wanted to move on? I don't know.
Whilst I accept it's not his fault it has had a huge impact on our relationship.
Financially I'm worried too. We both work ft but both on pretty basic wages. We can't afford for one of us not to be working.[/quote]
With all due respect, good luck finding the ‘perfect’ an that is willing to take on a 40 year old with 3 kids, one very young!!

@CallItLoneliness I do feel like this, yes.

man