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Original poster

Is it weird to not want to live with partner

174 replies

TickledOnion · 07/04/2021 16:46

I’ve been with my lovely DP for 6 years. We see each other once or twice a week depending on when I have my DCs and when he has his. I really like this set up and used to think I’d like to live together but I’m not sure anymore.
I make an effort when he comes over which I know I wouldn’t be bothered with if we lived together. I’m worried we’d just get bored of each other and I just can’t see any particular advantages of living together except financially.
Is anyone else happy in a long term relationship where you don’t live together?

OP posts:
TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 16:48

No. It's weird how many seem obsessed with shaking up. Plenty of people are in long term relationships and don't live together. I've got many friends who don't live together.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2021 16:50

Why change something that clearly works for you and that you enjoy? There's nothing weird about it.

BigFatLiar · 07/04/2021 16:52

Sounds good to me. Avoids having interactions with each other's children

Mistystar99 · 07/04/2021 17:53

Suits me too & is the best thing ever in my opinion! In the past living with someone has always led to complacency and resentment. Now I get time to myself, and when OH comes over or I go to him I am always excited to see him. Plus you don't get dragged into domestic tedium! Love it.

Original poster
TickledOnion · 07/04/2021 17:56

Thanks everyone. Glad to know it’s not weird to not want to live together. I wonder if things will change when the kids leave home but that’s a long way away.

OP posts:
aboutbloodytime123 · 07/04/2021 17:58

I think for a lot of people it's financial. Running 2 homes is expensive.

category12 · 07/04/2021 18:11

I'm really happy living with my kids and seeing my bf once a week or so, too.

I never got on with my stepfather and felt uncomfortable in my own home growing up, so I have a huge aversion to doing the same to my kids.

Plus I really love my own space and being captain of my own ship, not having to compromise on things, having control over my money and time and energy.

I can't see much advantage to living with a guy - despite it being 2021 so many women seem to end up doing the lion's share of housework and so on. I can't be arsed with having to fight for equality in my own home, (and I don't really believe you know how it will be until he's moved in, and then it would be a bugger to get them out again Grin).

Mabelface · 07/04/2021 18:14

I have adult children and I have no plans to ever live with my partner of 4 years. I love my independence too much. I love my own, quiet little haven where no one can bother me.

Lbnc2021 · 07/04/2021 18:23

I will never live with another partner. I enjoy my independence too much and this is my children’s safe and secure place, I’d have hated my mum making me live with some bloke she was shagging when I was young. Every day there’s threads on here where it’s clear the adults are only living with each other for their own selfish benefits and the kids just need to put up with it. I couldn’t be arsed with getting annoyed over crap like who done the dishes and who’s turn it is to put a washing on.

ChiefBabySniffer · 07/04/2021 18:23

My husband and I have been together for 19 years . We have 4 kids and love each other deeply but we don't live together full time. I have my house and he has his flat. He stays here a few nights a week now the kids are older and then he starts at his place. Our kids are 13-23 so they are welcome to go to his at any time to stay but they seem to prefer our house.

We are very lucky that housing is so cheap around here or we would have been forced to divorce years ago. This works amazingly well for us .

MazekeenSmith · 07/04/2021 18:29

YANBU
I love that BF and I still look forward to seeing each other and make an effort. I can't imagine sharing a home with him for a very long time.

grapewine · 07/04/2021 18:30

@ChiefBabySniffer

My husband and I have been together for 19 years . We have 4 kids and love each other deeply but we don't live together full time. I have my house and he has his flat. He stays here a few nights a week now the kids are older and then he starts at his place. Our kids are 13-23 so they are welcome to go to his at any time to stay but they seem to prefer our house.

We are very lucky that housing is so cheap around here or we would have been forced to divorce years ago. This works amazingly well for us .

Sounds great to me. I want my own space too much to live with another person full time. Good for you figuring out what works for you.
CupoTeap · 07/04/2021 18:37

I'm doing this, don't want to blend the households however will consider moving in together after all the D.C. have left home

jessstan2 · 07/04/2021 18:42

Not weird at all, it suits some people very well indeed. You're not on top of each other all the time (no pun intended), you each have your own space. No arguments about who does or pays for what and you look forward to seeing each other.

It would be quite nice when neither of you have your children staying with you, too.

cookiecreampie · 07/04/2021 18:43

I think if you're both happy with it then it's fine. It wouldn't be for me, I think if you're not living together years down the line then it kind of stops the relationship progressing and isn't really a "partnership". If you're living separately then you can't be seeing a lot of each other, else what would be the point having separate homes? But it's what works for you. It's your relationship, don't compare to others or let others opinions dictate what you think you should be doing.

sunnyzweibrucken · 07/04/2021 18:54

I think this set up sounds perfect. Don't let anyone make you feel bad or lacking just because you don't live with your partner. . Honestly the only positive thing i see about living with someone is financial, otherwise I'd be happy to see my partner once or twice a week.

When I was younger i wanted to live with someone, it sounded really romantic and all that. I didn't think there was any other way to have a relationship. But now that I'm old and have dated a man with children, I realize i LOVE my space, I LOVE not having to interact with someone else's children, and I can do what I want.

I think society needs to start becoming more accepting that being in a relationship can take different forms and not one way is the only way. I know people that live together and they get on horribly, and i know those who live separately for years and are doing wonderfully. There's no one way that defines what is a "real relationship".

category12 · 07/04/2021 18:54

it kind of stops the relationship progressing

Progressing into what, tho? Things you don't want? I've done the "progressing" of a relationship before. It was shit and I didn't rate it Grin Grin.

I don't think the model of relationship escalation of ever increasing entanglement is necessarily that great, particularly for women. Bf is a great sounding board and is willing to help me with things if I need and vice versa, we have great sex, we have fun together, I don't wash his socks. Win win win.

NoraEphronsNeck · 07/04/2021 19:18

@category12

it kind of stops the relationship progressing

Progressing into what, tho? Things you don't want? I've done the "progressing" of a relationship before. It was shit and I didn't rate it Grin Grin.

I don't think the model of relationship escalation of ever increasing entanglement is necessarily that great, particularly for women. Bf is a great sounding board and is willing to help me with things if I need and vice versa, we have great sex, we have fun together, I don't wash his socks. Win win win.

Category12 that sounds perfect Grin
folloyourarro · 07/04/2021 19:21

I think when you both have kids it makes a lot of sense, blended families sound very stressful to me unless you have the housing and relationships just right. I would struggle with that set up indefinitely though, I like the companionship of living with someone.

LolaSmiles · 07/04/2021 19:23

I think it's weird in that it's unusual, but only because it seems worryingly common for people to feel the need to move in, force a blended family on their children (usually with associated ex drama or step parents drama), and frequently add another child into the mix to 'complete' the family.

It would be good if more people had your approach, so yes it's weird but a good weird.

audweb · 07/04/2021 19:24

Yeah I never plan to move in with someone. At least not while I have my DD under my roof. And then probably not after that, as I will really enjoy the peace and quiet. Living together is overrated. Done it twice, was crap both times in the end.

ChiefBabySniffer · 07/04/2021 19:24

@cookiecreampie

I think if you're both happy with it then it's fine. It wouldn't be for me, I think if you're not living together years down the line then it kind of stops the relationship progressing and isn't really a "partnership". If you're living separately then you can't be seeing a lot of each other, else what would be the point having separate homes? But it's what works for you. It's your relationship, don't compare to others or let others opinions dictate what you think you should be doing.
Stops the relationship progressing? We did live together while we were having our 4 kids and we fought like cat and dog. But the last 8 years he has had his own place and we used both properties for ash of us. Sometimes he would have one kid stay over, sometimes 4, occasionally we all did including me. Now he gets his space at his flat , I get my space as the kids are all older and doing their own thing and we actively choose to spend time together every single day. Might just be a coffee after he's done with work but over all we spend 2-4 nights a week together well as Saturday and Sunday Day time. We are head over heels in love with each other desire it being almost 20 years and you could argue that our relationship is stronger for us having the space and feeding to be apart- but prioritising wait time with each other regardless. We don't argue any more, we don't stew on arguments. Space has brought us closer.

And we will very likely live together full time in the future. But even then we know we would want separate bedrooms even if we do sleep in one room for 3-4 nights.

Happinesscomesfromwithin · 07/04/2021 19:25

I agree with @cookiecreampie - it may be fine now but you guys have been together for 6 years.. where is this relation progressing to?

jessstan2 · 07/04/2021 19:26

@LolaSmiles

I think it's weird in that it's unusual, but only because it seems worryingly common for people to feel the need to move in, force a blended family on their children (usually with associated ex drama or step parents drama), and frequently add another child into the mix to 'complete' the family.

It would be good if more people had your approach, so yes it's weird but a good weird.

Too right!

I know two couples who have done this successfully and it has lasted for years and years.

It's an especially attractive idea for people who have previously been married/in partnership.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 07/04/2021 19:34

@Happinesscomesfromwithin

I agree with *@cookiecreampie* - it may be fine now but you guys have been together for 6 years.. where is this relation progressing to?
Where do you think it should it be progressing to? And why does it need to progress anywhere if both parties are happy with the current situation?