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Original poster

Is it weird to not want to live with partner

174 replies

TickledOnion · 07/04/2021 16:46

I’ve been with my lovely DP for 6 years. We see each other once or twice a week depending on when I have my DCs and when he has his. I really like this set up and used to think I’d like to live together but I’m not sure anymore.
I make an effort when he comes over which I know I wouldn’t be bothered with if we lived together. I’m worried we’d just get bored of each other and I just can’t see any particular advantages of living together except financially.
Is anyone else happy in a long term relationship where you don’t live together?

OP posts:
emmylousings · 09/04/2021 13:57

DP and I are LATs. We love it. It wasn't the original plan, but as time went on we just realised neither of us wanted to move house. I do not anticipate living with him ever, though he's my best friend and I love him. I agree that I the cohabitation scenario, women end up doing too much of the domestic and emotional labour, and I also worry we would get sick of the sight of each other! Living apart requires complete trust, as it would be very easy to cheat!! Which neither of us has, I'm 99.99% sure...

thecolourpurpleandpink · 09/04/2021 14:04

We are only a matter of months in to our first relationship post breakdown of marriages and omg, it's an amazing set up!
All the benefits of a relationship , excited to see each other eow and once on the other week ( due to children , work and distance ) great sex, an evolving wonderful friendship without any domestic or financial drudgery or incompatible child rearing methods that destroyed our previous relationships .
As it stands , I'll never live with my or any other partner . I love my own space, time with my own kids and separate interests and friendships .
It's definitely the way to go, for us anyway .

Moonface123 · 09/04/2021 14:39

I have no desire to live with another man.
I have got too used now to having my own time and space , no tv, no having to cook every night, me and teenagers just suit ourselves, life is very calm and relaxed. I love decorating my home exactly how l want it, buying what l want, love having the bed to myself, and being solely responsible for my own happiness and finances.
I did have a happy marriage, but have adapted to a different way of living now. I also love that l can parent my own way, l cannot imagine having a man here now, and l could never ever be a step parent, couldn't think of anything worse and l wouldn't want my two having a step parent either. Each to their iwn, but this way of life definitely suits me. Ideally if l were to meet someone he would have to be as independent as l am.

jessstan2 · 09/04/2021 14:41

FinallyHere, my ideal would be a partner who lives two streets away. Then he wouldn't see if I entertained someone else :-).

(Just being naughty.)

HeronLanyon · 09/04/2021 15:07

jesstan that’s not far enough ! You have to avoid danger of chance passings by popping out to the shops or having to park in your road (unless you make sure he has a driveway) or walking a dog (you’ll have to ban pets) or heaven for it if he is a runner or cyclist (outing I know).
No you need him at least a mile away. Preferably 4 or 5.

Thomasina2021 · 09/04/2021 15:08

Great for sex !

jessstan2 · 09/04/2021 16:06

@HeronLanyon

jesstan that’s not far enough ! You have to avoid danger of chance passings by popping out to the shops or having to park in your road (unless you make sure he has a driveway) or walking a dog (you’ll have to ban pets) or heaven for it if he is a runner or cyclist (outing I know). No you need him at least a mile away. Preferably 4 or 5.
Good points!
TC68 · 09/04/2021 16:23

Living together completely changes the dynamics of a relationship as do children. It is not strange to not want to live with him - you have your independence which is important and can look forward to the times you spend together.

TC68 · 09/04/2021 16:27

@Moonface123
You sound just like me - my daughter loves the calmness of the house and that it is just the two of us. There is a lot of positives to living alone

FinallyHere · 09/04/2021 17:17

Then he wouldn't see if I ...

@jessstan2 good point, noted 😀

I was boringly thinking about nipping back to pick up clothes without being dressed sufficiently to 'leave the house'.

jessstan2 · 09/04/2021 18:39

It would help if you had a back entrance for a quick getaway too.

OliveToboogie · 10/04/2021 01:09

My partner and I lived together for around 18 months. Due to family difficulties he moved back to his parents. I see him 2 a week and he stays over. We go on holiday together. I love the bones of the man but could not live with him again. I like my own space too much. It works for us. Been together 6 years. There is no one size fits all. Do what ever makes you happy and works for you.

eekbumbler · 10/04/2021 01:26

.

Sandra15 · 10/04/2021 01:33

@PriestessofPing

I also don’t understand this idea of ‘progressing’ - I always wonder to where exactly, like others have said. If both parties are happy with the set up and enjoy their relationship- well, it is ‘progressed’ in that it’s a happy, fulfilling relationship. Isn’t that the aim, really? Isn’t that what we all want from our intimate relationships?
I think a lot of the aversion to not living together comes from a place of fear that the partner is off with other people when you're not together. It does demand a lot of trust, but this sort of set up is perfect for me. My last long-term partner and I never moved in together. I had and still have several cats and he said he knew the answer to the suggestion of us buying a place together when instead, I bought another cat.
VampireTheBuffetSlayer · 10/04/2021 01:37

I've been wondering about posting exactly this for a while now OP! I am very happy in my home, on my own, no kids. I didn't expect to find a DP after my divorce but now I have I don't want to move in with him. He's lovely and I enjoy our time together but I like my own time too. I'm pretty certain he feels the same, it's not something we have talked about much. It just works as it is.

elp30 · 10/04/2021 01:48

My father was widowed at age 45.
Two years after my mother's death, my father started a relationship with a 45-year-old widow.
They had a relationship that lasted 28 years, due to my father's death.
They never married and in fact, they never lived together.

I used to ask him all the time if he was going to ever live with his partner but he used to say that he liked spending his life with her but that he didn't need to live with her to be happy. Besides, he truly believed he was only meant to marry one woman and that was my mother. His partner believed the same about her husband. They spent their days together but my Dad always went back home to his house at the end of an evening. I suppose he liked his independence.

One thing I will say is that my sister and I never really treated his partner like a step-mother or as a member of our family. Her children felt the same about my Dad or us. When my father died, she wasn't his widow and because they didn't actually live together as a couple or because he didn't really acknowledge her as his "partner", we didn't treat her as such. Had they lived together, I would have felt different about her. Interestingly, her children felt the same about my father.

cherry2727 · 10/04/2021 09:44

If it makes you happy fine but I don't think it's for me . I wouldn't quite congratulate anyone who's been in such an arrangement over a long period as it's obvious that most relationships would last longer had they been in this set up! It's not rocket science ! Having said that , you're not quite working as one - I actually Think it's a rather selfish approach. Anyone can be in a long term relationship if they don't co-habit. It comes across as a relationship based on friendship.
I'm prepared to be pelted Grin

category12 · 10/04/2021 10:00

Anyone can be in a long term relationship if they don't co-habit.

Grin

So you agree that living together can be negative. I'm not really getting why you think kind of enduring living together makes it better relationship?

And I think it's far easier to keep the sex fresh and exciting living apart than when you're just rolling over and doing it automatically occasionally.

As for selfishness, yes, sure, why not? Nobody's losing out from me choosing to be in control of my own money energy and time, my own decorating choices etc, looking after my own family. What's wrong with it? Women are far more likely to "compromise" and end up doing the lion's share of housework, emotional labour and taking care of the guy's family members - not sure failing to enable this is selfish, more like balancing society a bit. Grin

HugeAckmansWife · 10/04/2021 10:02

Why on earth is it selfish to want to live in a way that makes everyone happy? Or are we supposed to sacrifice a part of our happiness so that the man can be let off doing his own laundry? If its selfish, then you're saying there is an element of sacrifice in living together.. Why do that if you don't have to? What's noble or worthy about about that?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/04/2021 10:05

@HugeAckmansWife

Why on earth is it selfish to want to live in a way that makes everyone happy? Or are we supposed to sacrifice a part of our happiness so that the man can be let off doing his own laundry? If its selfish, then you're saying there is an element of sacrifice in living together.. Why do that if you don't have to? What's noble or worthy about about that?
This! There's no medals for martyrdom.

Plenty of people also don't live together due to being divorced or widowed and needing to protect their assets for themselves and/or their children.

TheHoneyBadger · 10/04/2021 10:32

Aaah I see! Relationships are meant to be punishing and gruelling in order to be legitimate!

alwayslearning789 · 10/04/2021 10:36

@elp30 you raise an interesting point:

"One thing I will say is that my sister and I never really treated his partner like a step-mother or as a member of our family. Her children felt the same about my Dad or us. When my father died, she wasn't his widow and because they didn't actually live together as a couple or because he didn't really acknowledge her as his "partner", we didn't treat her as such. Had they lived together, I would have felt different about her. Interestingly, her children felt the same about my father."

28 years is a long time to be with someone and still be such an outsider - "he didn't really acknowledge her as his partner"

I'm an LAT fan for many reasons such as financial independence and for the benefit of the children, but am not 100% sure about this 'arms length' aspect with the person who is supposed to be closest to me?....

Would be really interested to hear other perspectives on this aspect...

cherry2727 · 10/04/2021 10:38

Why on earth is it selfish to want to live in a way that makes everyone happy? Or are we supposed to sacrifice a part of our happiness so that the man can be let off doing his own laundry? If its selfish, then you're saying there is an element of sacrifice in living together.. Why do that if you don't have to? What's noble or worthy about about that?

Why does living together has to benefit the man only ? Surely you're not choosing to live separately because of an in-balance in domestic chores ? If that's the case you're merely masking the issue and not solving it by living separately. Why can't you co-habit and have more of an equal segregation of chores ? I personally think it's widening the inequality gender gap- benefits the man greatly ! Currently , men are the highest earners ( slow rise of women recently but still not the vast majority ) , if we encourage this sort of set up - who benefits financially ? The man gets to retain majority of his income and end up having a better quality of life than the woman even though they are in a relationship. Also , if you choose to have kids together , who has main custody ? I'm sure most of this responsibility will fall upon the woman . Living together isn't anything of nobility however it does produce and develop some very much needed life/ transferable skills/ characteristics- for eg you learn tolerance for other humans , compromise, co-operation etc .
I will not judge anyone in this set up - I just have my own views on it .

cherry2727 · 10/04/2021 10:52

*So you agree that living together can be negative. I'm not really getting why you think kind of enduring living together makes it better relationship?

And I think it's far easier to keep the sex fresh and exciting living apart than when you're just rolling over and doing it automatically occasionally.

As for selfishness, yes, sure, why not? Nobody's losing out from me choosing to be in control of my own money energy and time, my own decorating choices etc, looking after my own family. What's wrong with it? Women are far more likely to "compromise" and end up doing the lion's share of housework, emotional labour and taking care of the guy's family members - not sure failing to enable this is selfish, more like balancing society a bit.*

I never said it was "negative"- please do not twist my words ! You do not have to endure your relationship if you live together ? Why do you assume that living with someone equates to enduring a relationship? We all have to exercise tolerance in society - be it at work , in friendships etc. We build on that skill by learning mechanisms which helps us to cope in such scenarios. Again - you seem to think that by living with someone it's all doom and gloom- not everyone who live together have boring sex lives ( sorry to have to break it to you)
No one controls my money - I earn more than my dh and have complete control of my finance . I have equal say in matters surrounding the home/house/family - I don't just roll over and say yes! I think the issue is that you don't possess the skills to live with someone and enforce equality so you choose the easy option- to live apart

cherry2727 · 10/04/2021 10:53

Apologies for the bold fail!!