Is it weird to not want to live with partner

[TickledOnion]

I’ve been with my lovely DP for 6 years. We see each other once or twice a week depending on when I have my DCs and when he has his. I really like this set up and used to think I’d like to live together but I’m not sure anymore.
I make an effort when he comes over which I know I wouldn’t be bothered with if we lived together. I’m worried we’d just get bored of each other and I just can’t see any particular advantages of living together except financially.
Is anyone else happy in a long term relationship where you don’t live together?

I dont think I could ever live with a man again! I've got very used to the way I have things and whilst I am placid I dont think I could compromise the way I live ever again.

In part it's about security. I've worked very hard for a long time for financial security and independence.

It's called Relationship Anarchy because these sort of relationships are seen outside of the normal societal dogma.

I've had criticism in the from friends and family.

I thought relationship anarchy was more about having multiple partners? I thought this was more about LATs?

Not weird but if you see this man as the person you're going to grow old with, wouldn't you rather find out if you can withstand living together sooner rather than later? I understand it might be tricky if you have kids though.

@EarthSight

Not weird but if you see this man as the person you're going to grow old with, wouldn't you rather find out if you can withstand living together sooner rather than later? I understand it might be tricky if you have kids though.

Personally I'm not planning on living together in old age, I see myself continuing to live apart. I've seen a lot of my older female relatives turn into carers for their partners through horrific long-drawn out illnesses, and it's not really how I see my future. "Growing old together" is not an attractive prospect from what I've seen.

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

No. It's weird how many seem obsessed with shaking up. Plenty of people are in long term relationships and don't live together. I've got many friends who don't live together.

Yes, this. This living together thing when unmarried has only been the norm in the last few decades. No reason why anyone has to follow it.

Most of the time living together actually disadvantages the woman because men are significantly less likely to commit i.e. marry if cohabit before marriage. Also the longer a couple cohabits, the more likely they are to divorce if they do in fact get married.

I've lived with 2 different men for 10+ years each.

I will never live with my current DP. We both like our own space and it will stay like that.

Earthsight. That's exactly the presumption this thread is about. You're assuming that at some point the couple must progress to cohabiting. Why? As many of us have attested, we are perfectly happy to remain living apart but in very happy relationships.

I've been with my partner 7 years. We have our own houses and love living apart. We are considering a civil partnership as it makes things easier financially, but will still live apart. It suits us.

There are so many threads on the step-parenting board about women (mainly) who very much regret having moved in together and try hard and make a blended family work.

If this situation works for you, why change it? 🌹

Lots of things that seem 'weird' in relationships to others bring joy and happiness: not living together, not getting married, not having kids, same-sex relationships, age-gap relationships and on & on & on.

You do you and be happy x

If anything happened to DH or we ever split, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that there’s no way I would live with a man again. It seems to me that moving in together is when it all starts to go wrong, you lose the excitement and passion when someone is there all the time.

I’m envious of all the people who’ve avoided it!

I've been with my partner for sixteen years. His children are adults and I have a teenage daughter. A lot of people have said that living apart starts as a practical arrangement because of children and this was true of us. I didn't want to live a long way from my daughter's father. But also I didn't want to impose a father figure on her. So I lived by myself with her and she stayed with her dad regularly. And I think because of that - my relationship developed at a slow pace with no pressure to 'make it work'. Gradually I realized I liked living on my own. It's so wonderful to be able to discover how you like to live without the pressure of always having to consider somebody else. I don't mean that in a selfish way but I was brought up to put a man front and center, that compromise was basically what he wanted and what I was prepared to put up with.

I appreciate that I'm in a privileged position of being able to live on my own but I love being responsible for myself, seeing my own friends, and then spending days with my man before he goes back home (he lives a few hundred miles away). We are held together by our mutual liking, love, and good sex. I know from my own past that if we lived together, I would end up compromising a part of myself to avoid conflict. He's also a right messy bastard and I'm tidy.

No, not weird at all! My DP & I have been happily together for 12 years but don't live together. We see each other 2-3 nights a week & have lovely holidays & breaks (pre & post covid of course). Neither of us have kids & are 50's/60's. We are also fortunate that we can afford to run separate homes.

I'm tidy & like order whereas DP isn't. He also enjoys tedious ancient history programmes which I don't!

The sex is fab, we both make an effort when we see each other but both enjoy our personal space.

I think we may gently try out spending more time together when I retire in a few years but until then, I'm perfectly happy living peacefully with my cat thanks!

Sounds perfect to me !

I'd never live with a man again given the chance.

My dh and I have been together 4 years and married for 1. We have no plans to live together. We love our independence, we both have our own houses so no financial tie. I have 2 teens at home he's 10 years older so lives alone. We just have no desire to lose what we have by living together. Everybody around us thinks our set up is utterly bizarre but having both been divorced we know what works well for all and don't give a shite that folks think it's weird.

@category12

I thought relationship anarchy was more about having multiple partners? I thought this was more about LATs?

I think RA is more about morn having a hierarchy between the different types of relationships in your life. So not prioritising a romantic partner over friends etc. You could have multiple romantic partners, but more likely there just isn’t a distinction easily made between who is a romantic partner and who isn’t. You get to make the rules for each individual relationship without having to fit them into predefined labels.

On that basis LAT fits, I think. You’re not automatically choosing to prioritise the romantic relationship as the cohabitation, you’re resisting the predefined expectations of what that kind of relationship ‘should’ look like, and making your own rules.

I suspect a lot of LAT people don’t engage in much other elements of relationship anarchy though - I would guess that’s that heteronormative relationship escalator ideals are still broadly upheld.

wishful, with respect, most of that post is just a load of woke words that hse very little to do with how most people actually get on and live their lives. I'm not trying to make any kind of statement, protest or feminist stance by resisting hetero normative structures. I'm just living in a way that works for me and if asked, that's what I usually say. 'it works for me'. Not everything has to be analysed, categorised and positioned as a stance against the hierarchy or 'norm'.

So not prioritising a romantic partner over friends etc

That sounds good to me. I’ve realised that for me, having a solid female friendship is really important and stabilising and fulfilling for me. When I lack that I feel lonely or isolated and unsupported whereas being single doesn’t make me feel that way.

We’re very conditioned to think a romantic relationship should be the centre of our lives and for some that works. I personally find romantic relationships really demanding and draining to be in long term. Whereas good friendships don’t feel that way.

My friend and I share a couples gym membership because it’s cheaper than 2 individual ones. I’m single and she’s lives with a partner she’s been with for about 15 years. I’m careful not to piss him off by taking too much of her time but he’s generally ok with it.

We take my son and her step daughter out to do stuff and have holidayed together as they get on great and do their own thing. We have keys to each other’s houses and look after pets and plants when the other is away. When we’re knackered and hermiting a bit the other doesn’t mind or take it personally but she will for example kick my butt and make me do something if I’ve been isolating too long.

It’s the most important relationship, outside of my son, in my life and it adds a lot to my life.

Romantic relationships are wonderful to start with but become really draining for me especially if you live together and, it could be just my poor choices of course, men become incredibly needy and dependent and sulky if they don’t feel their needs are being met or if you don’t 100% centre them.

I ‘think’ I’m done with the idea of living with or totally centring a male partner now.

@HugeAckmansWife - you definitely don't have to make a stance, or characterise your life as a political choice. Apologies, that wasn't my intention. I was just explaining my understanding of relationship anarchy, and how I guess LAT could fit into that, potentially, as per @noego suggestion, per my understanding of the concept.

My point in the final paragraph was to suggest that, while you could fit it in, i don't think most people make the choice to do it for that reason.

@TheHoneyBadger - I am definitely starting to feel the same way. I really see it with my mum - she divorced my dad almost 20 years ago, and hasn't had a romantic relationship for the past decade or so, mainly out of choice. But she really struggles sometimes, because a lot of her friends are still married, so weekends and bank holidays etc are 'family time', and she ends up feeling very lonely and left out. Obviously families are important, but there are so many other ways of living our lives.

I wouldn't characterise myself as a relationship anarchist specifically, but learning about it has made me question a lot of the things I just accepted as 'well, that's just how the world is'. The idea that you don't have to just take a specific relationship box off a shelf, and live it the way the label prescribes is quite freeing. It's also a bit scary.

Works for me! Dont live with my DP and will probably never. He likes his space and so do I. This chat about 'progressing' a relationship only happens when you move in? It disadvantages women only I believe. Once you move in then the woman usually ends up doing a lot of the housework, relationship maintenance and social maintenance. Not for me thanks....love living separately and he washes his own socks, does his own shopping and when we are together its wonderful.

I think in broad generalised terms men want to get everything from a woman and don’t look to their friends for their emotional needs whereas women, similarly I guess, find men don’t satisfy their emotional needs and foster friendships.

On the whole if we could somehow get men to be better friends to each other and not expect all of their needs to be met by their partner everyone’s lives would be better. I include in that men needing to be better at self soothing and taking more responsibility for their own well-being.

It’s far too common that women feel like a male partner is like another child they’re responsible for so it’s unsurprising that many women will choose to opt out of living with men when circumstances allow.

My ideal would be to have a joining apartments so that I could visit without wasting time travelling (and could easily go back and get whatever I had forgotten to bring, usually shoes if we were going out in the evening or my jacket if I was going straight to work from his place)

For the first ten years of our relationship our jobs were just too far apart geographically to move in together.
Holidays held the joy of waking up together with the whole day of being together stretching in front of us. When we were each working there was no need to adjust plans for last minute arrangements.

DC all adult/flown the nest. We can honestly say we never had a cross work all through that lovely decade. Looking back it was because unconsciously we each followed the others 'rules' when in their place.

When we could finally move in together, we spent the first year seeking fighting about everything. Oh and we got married too.

So, my solution is adjoining flats.

So many of my decisions since Uni have been dictated because of the high cost of accommodation in the SE. I would now never share a house ever again but then I can afford to live on my own, which I couldn't in my earlier years.

When we were kids my friends mum and her partner did this, I always thought it was really odd and wondered why they bothered.

But now I’m older and a single parent I can absolutely see why they did that, in fact it sounds ideal and I’m thinking I may want to do something similar when I’m ready to start dating again.