Is it weird to not want to live with partner

[TickledOnion]

I’ve been with my lovely DP for 6 years. We see each other once or twice a week depending on when I have my DCs and when he has his. I really like this set up and used to think I’d like to live together but I’m not sure anymore.
I make an effort when he comes over which I know I wouldn’t be bothered with if we lived together. I’m worried we’d just get bored of each other and I just can’t see any particular advantages of living together except financially.
Is anyone else happy in a long term relationship where you don’t live together?

I think the issue is that you don't possess the skills to live with someone and enforce equality so you choose the easy option- to live apart
I can't be arsed to "enforce" or fight for equality in my own home, no. It should be a given. I also genuinely enjoy having my own space and not having to compromise, check in with or consult anyone.

And I did the whole living together, marriage and children thing for a long time, so it's not the case of can't.

You certainly made it sound difficult and negative when you said "anyone can be in a relationship if you don't co-habit" .

*I can't be arsed to "enforce" or fight for equality in my own home, no. It should be a given. I also genuinely enjoy having my own space and not having to compromise, check in with or consult anyone.

And I did the whole living together, marriage and children thing for a long time, so it's not the case of can't.

You certainly made it sound difficult and negative when you said "anyone can be in a relationship if you don't co-habit" .*

"In my own home " - comments like this is why I think there's an element of selfishness to this set up ! Also , don't we all have to "enforce" in different situations in life ?! I suspect the men are the biggest beneficiaries in this type set up - had they lived together , they would actually have to listen to a woman , abide by her rules , share his wealth , assist with the domestic chores and kids rearing ! Had I been a man , I would certainly encourage this sort of set up!

I appreciate that it works for you, we are all different people and ultimately seeking happiness - I can however see the holes which doesn't make it attractive to me !

Funny that I was only talking to someone the other day about the same subject. I am of two minds, I think long term depending on your life set up etc, what you are like as an individual, it could become difficult or create problems living apart after so long. But then living together creates new problems and issues, I have seen people who were living separately working during the week, and generally spending each weekend etc/holidays with one another, and within a couple of years of living together, looked completely different lol, that could be down to work etc too, but I definitely noticed a difference.
This is how i kind of pictured things if I meet someone who might have kids, as I also have a DC, but wouldn't have the time where we might have time together without DC, because contact with father has had to be stopped for the time being.
I get what you mean in terms of things being different and better than say if you move in together and it takes that away, some don't agree, they think you are not living in the real world then where relationships are concerned, but many live together and are miserable.

My own home - it's supposed to be a safe place I can relax and be myself, not be in a battle of wills with a so-called partner over who does the washing up or whatever.

I get all the nice things from a relationship with my bf and none of the crap. My finances are unaffected by the ups and downs he might have (a man's "wealth" is not guaranteed), my children are teens and I have no intention and probably am past the ability of having more , I do the housework I want to do when I want to do it, so if I want to be a slob one day I can, and super-tidy and spring-clean another if I so fancy and nobody else is going to be bothered by it.

I really don't see what benefit living with a man would bring me.

Enforcing equality sounds really romantic

I would love to have this arrangement. I think it would improve our relationship no end. Together over 20 years and when I was young and "in love" the very idea of it would have been awful for me. But now, knowing how different our approach to living is, I think it would be perfect. Shared life with separate homes.

Having read majority of the posts, I think this set up works well for people with children from previous relationships. There is a great need to protect the kids and their assets so I get this. Also childless couples.

I would like to hear from those with kids who are fathered by their current live apart partner. Interesting to see how the childcare works !

@TheHoneyBadger

Enforcing equality sounds really romantic

The stuff of Mills & Boon.

When I grow up I want to enforce equality in my own home! No thanks. I want to relax at home not play the battle of the sexes

Let's take the same approach in the workplace - let's just decide to be stay at home mums instead ! Who wants to take on the battle of "enforcing equality" anyways!!!

Announcement
As a result of this thread, and with immediate and permanent effect, I shall now be known as ‘Heron The Enforcer’ in the Heronery.

@category12

it kind of stops the relationship progressing

Progressing into what, tho? Things you don't want? I've done the "progressing" of a relationship before. It was shit and I didn't rate it .

I don't think the model of relationship escalation of ever increasing entanglement is necessarily that great, particularly for women. Bf is a great sounding board and is willing to help me with things if I need and vice versa, we have great sex, we have fun together, I don't wash his socks. Win win win.

Exactly. Wonderfully put.

Errr you get paid for working and we need to keep rooves over our heads etc. I'm not sure what the prize is for winning and at being a housewife? Do you know you're winning if there are no pants on the floor and the toilet seat is down?

Work and home really don't compare.

@cherry2727

Let's take the same approach in the workplace - let's just decide to be stay at home mums instead ! Who wants to take on the battle of "enforcing equality" anyways!!!

I know the personal is political and all that, but that's kind of ridiculous. Not my job to train a bloke.

Feel like you're a bit Marge Simpson here .

I mean fighting for equality is necessary in the workplace to be able to achieve independence. Fighting in the home? a) It isn't essential and we're perfectly free to opt out of that thanks and b) every survey under the sun indicates that next to no women manage to gain meaningful equality in the home and there is no prize even if you do. It's also held true through decades of surveying that unmarried women's mental health and indicators of wellbeing are better than married women's whereas the opposite is true of men. Ergo what inducement is there for this battle at home?

And you know what at the point women are freely choosing to live alone and en masse not be willing to have that fight in their own homes that's probably the point when men might actually start to up their game and bring more to the table.

And you know what at the point women are freely choosing to live alone and en masse not be willing to have that fight in their own homes that's probably the point when men might actually start to up their game and bring more to the table.
You really think so?? Hmmmmm
I know who's having the last laugh!!

Why bother keep a relationship with a man who would have been an utter failure had he been living with you? He's the same sexist pig , you know that ,right ??!

It's also held true through decades of surveying that unmarried women's mental health and indicators of wellbeing are better than married women's whereas the opposite is true of men.

To quote you , it's unmarried women . Did the survey then drill into whether those unmarried women were living apart or with a man? This discussion isn't about marriage !

cherry it's absolutely fine that you feel the need to live with a man - not sure why you need to attack others for not feeling the same. You do you.

I know the personal is political and all that, but that's kind of ridiculous. Not my job to train a bloke.

Train a bloke ? I think my words are being taken out of context ! I never said anything about training a bloke or enduring a relationship or whatever other short phrases that people are throwing around ! Would be an interesting conversation if people replied to what I actually said- I'm getting a bit lost here !

Also our jobs are not to "train blokes" . If you have to train a bloke you have failed to choose a worthy man to be your partner . That's probably one of the biggest issues here -women making bad choices with men .
I understand the conversation like this - "He's such a good catch that had he been a live in partner he would have been fantastic BUT we have decided to live apart as it make us both soo much happier"

@TheHoneyBadger - I'm not attacking - I thought we were having a conversation? Both parties just expressing their views and showing each other their side of the coin? On that note , I'll bow down as I don't want to be seen as attacking anyone for their personal choices .

You're the one talking about "enforcing" equality at home and men having to abide by women's rules - so "training" seemed apt.

How about trying to understand the conversation as "I enjoy living on my own and having a relationship with my boyfriend as well adds good things to my life"?

Not weird at all and I so recognise the ‘making an effort’ part ... same here! My husband lives in London 3-4 days a week. During the week do my ‘domestic chores’ and have plenty of time for my own interests, seeing my friends .. or waxing my legs :-) When he comes home at the weekend or when I visit him in London, we can focus on each other and the things we both like. I am very lucky that my husband likes ‘making an effort’ as well.

Since my divorce I've dated lots of guys who are eager to settle down and move in with me.
Er no thanks.
I love living in my own home and decorating it just how I like it.
I am planning building work next year and thank my lucky stars I don't have to run my plans past anyone and have to compromise on the space and garden I want.
I like meeting up for a meal, sex, to talk and watch a bit of TV together while having a cuddle.
Everything else domestically I like to do alone, I'm not falling for the trap of become responsible for another grown adults laundry etc
The only way I might be tempted to move in with someone else is if they had a mews house in Chelsea

I've been married about 23 years and if I could have my time again I would do this! It sounds like the best of both worlds.