Is it weird to not want to live with partner

[TickledOnion]

I’ve been with my lovely DP for 6 years. We see each other once or twice a week depending on when I have my DCs and when he has his. I really like this set up and used to think I’d like to live together but I’m not sure anymore.
I make an effort when he comes over which I know I wouldn’t be bothered with if we lived together. I’m worried we’d just get bored of each other and I just can’t see any particular advantages of living together except financially.
Is anyone else happy in a long term relationship where you don’t live together?

Where does living together progress to?

I never want to share my bed full time again personally. Love having peace and space.

Short of financial desperation or fear your partner won’t stay unless shackled together living apart is common sense.

I was with my ex for 5 yrs, we didn’t live together but saw each other weekend and once a week as we both had our own children. it was hard sometimes living like that but it suited me. Eventually we started looking for a house together and that’s when I had a reality check. I liked life how it was. I think I had become selfish and liked my own space, I now can’t ever imagine living with anyone ever again. Whatever works for you.

No! It's very wise! I've lived with 3 guys romantically. Romance wears off pretty fast after living together. If I ever become single I wouldn't live with a man again! And my DH is mostly lovely!

The happiest couple I have known were my late aunt and uncle. They were together (not married) for about 40 years and always kept their own homes. My aunt said she didn’t have to deal with his washing, mess etc and could please herself in her own home. They adored one another, travelled the world and radiated happiness.

If it works for you I wouldn’t worry whether it’s weird or not OP.

It's the way forward, wish I'd stayed living separately!

I have had two long-term relationships living with a boyfriend and then a husband: never again. It ruined everything. Also massively agree with PP: I would never inflict living with a step-parent on my children. It would not be fair to move someone else into their home. And in any case I like having my own house, my own space and financial independence. I really don't see what there would be to gain from living with a partner again, I don't understand why people are so keen to do it.

Your set-up sounds perfect OP. It's working, you're both happy so why mess with it?

Monogamy over decades is in many ways an unnatural thing so difficult to make work on a number of levels. I think it's generally far more likely to be successful with space and without domestic drudgery involved in the relationship. And it also means that you know you're both staying in the relationship because you want to be in it, not for convenience, finances etc.

This is a great TED talk about why it's difficult for intimacy and desire to co-exist. In my opinion, not living with your partner is a huge benefit in terms of making it more possible to maintain both at once.

https://www.ted.com/talks/estherperellthesecretttodesireeinaalongtermm_relationship?language=en

My DP and I have been together for 6 years and spend 4 nights a week together. I go to his when the kids are at their dad’s and he comes to mine at the weekend with the kids who love him dearly. For me, it’s the best of all worlds. We both have demanding jobs so the three days away from each other gives us a chance to really focus on work. When the kids are older we will likely spend more nights together, but for me right now, this is the dream!

@category12
Well said, I like the phrase "Captain of my own ship"!

My mum and step dad never lived together in 36 years, worked for them and wasn’t weird for the rest of us either.

My partner and I live apart. Both had long term relationships, I was married for 28 years. Works great for us, I need alone time as does he. I can't wait to see him. This morning I was woken up with a kiss, cup of tea and him climbing into bed for a cuddle. We have keys to each others places and he likes to surprise me. It works for us because never again will I end up being the one who does all the housework or allow the daily drudge get in the way. When we are together it's quality time. It keeps it fresh and exciting.

I can’t imagine many kids saying “please bring in another man and his kids to our lives permanently”

Living apart for me makes total sense.

We have been together nearly 3 years and don't live together but it's down to logistics. We can't wait for the day when we can move in together for good, not just weekends but at the moment it is not viable which is really frustrating and sad for us both. I miss him terribly when we are apart, it's pretty awful.

Having just exited a 20 year relationship where I has become his mum around the house which killed my attraction to him, and now being in one where we see one another 3/4 times a week With a man who knows how to cook, clean and look after himself I have to admit that I’m not sure I’ll ever live with anyone ever again. Cohabitation just seems to result in women becoming the drudge waaaaay too often from the conversations I have with friends and the things I read on here. Who needs that when they have a choice!?!

I completely get it.

Even more when you both have children.

It strikes me as massively considerate of your children.

It's a thing isn't it. Called LAT 'Living Apart Together'. I think it's incredibly sensible.

This would be my idea of utopia. A partner to do stuff with and go places with, but not having to share a home.

I suspect the only reason why it’s not more popular is affordability.

I also don’t understand this idea of ‘progressing’ - I always wonder to where exactly, like others have said. If both parties are happy with the set up and enjoy their relationship- well, it is ‘progressed’ in that it’s a happy, fulfilling relationship. Isn’t that the aim, really? Isn’t that what we all want from our intimate relationships?

Not at all, I thinks you get older there's so many more segments of your life that just become stressful when you try to blend them with other people's segments.
I think the notion of building a home together is fine and dandy when you're young and just starting out but chuck in a couple of kids, different careers, people who have already been there done it and probably had to start again at some point, one way or another well it's kind of unnecessary.
O have nothing against people who want to do that but I'm 43 and after my last relationship ended I decided I just don't want to ever live with anyone again, I didn't want to live with him but that's a whole other thread ha ha.
I'm not planning on changing my single status any time soon, or maybe ever but if I did have another relationship I wouldn't want to compromise my life in such a way that living together would require.
Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, it ain't broke don't try to fix it.

To put it more succinctly than my earlier post (I hope!) why would any adult choose to be forced to see someone all the time, when they can just see them when they wish to? 75% or so of relationship problems are about either money or housework. Living apart sidesteps both. Another 15% are about sex, and it tends to be much better when not inhibited by aforementioned relationship issues and when people actually have some personal space and are excited to see each other. You are not weird OP. You are wise. And that's before you even consider the fact that on average there is a detrimental impact on children of "blending families" or moving in unrelated adults and calling them "step-parents".

I could see myself being happy in that sort of set up.

When my ex moved in, he soon wanted me to be his skivvy. Or would complain about mess, while doing nothing to help. I'm not risking that again. Or entangling my life with someone else's, only to have it go tits up.

When I was younger it was my dream to find my soulmate and live happily ever after.
Now I am so happy living with my children, and although one day they will all be off with their own lives, I cannot imagine sharing a house full time again with a partner.
If you are happy with your relationship and it works then carry on the same!

I would never live with a man again.

Not at all. I live with my husband and children but I know that if anything ever happened to us and our marriage ended, I would not live with a partner again. I find the compromise around personal space very hard and miss the way living apart gave us time for just each other which we protected (very hard now with 2 children under 5!)

I am in a very happy long term relationship and do not love with my lovely dp. We used to live together then work related reasons spurred the change. It’s been nothing but positive. Both like space and time to self anyway so we are suited - not everyone is.

things needed from my POV -
Ability to cover obvious extra costs.
Trust
At least one of you able to/good at organising stuff/times together/book things.
Not to forget importance of some humdrum/lounging on sofa doing not very much times.

Benefits - real sense of indépendance. Holidays/travel are even more pleasurable in my case.

Not weird at all, if you are both happy with it, and especially if no DC or at least not those who are not adults.