Is it weird to not want to live with partner

[TickledOnion]

I’ve been with my lovely DP for 6 years. We see each other once or twice a week depending on when I have my DCs and when he has his. I really like this set up and used to think I’d like to live together but I’m not sure anymore.
I make an effort when he comes over which I know I wouldn’t be bothered with if we lived together. I’m worried we’d just get bored of each other and I just can’t see any particular advantages of living together except financially.
Is anyone else happy in a long term relationship where you don’t live together?

Helena bonham Carter bought the house next door to her husband.... they did end up divorcing though

Yes they did. And it was all much easier to manage because they didn't have to address issues of who moves out, who owns what, how to split assets etc. I've been divorced twice. Both times involved me (and latterly the kids) having to move home, town, all sorts. Now, if my partner and I decide to separate, that's the only thing that has to change. We stop seeing each other. Boom. Job done. So many posts on here from women who want to leave horrible men but it's all so complicated because of entangled finances etc. I also think in later life, there's more assets to protect, inheritances possibly also. Keeping 'officially' separate has those benefits too.

@category12

I'm really happy living with my kids and seeing my bf once a week or so, too.

I never got on with my stepfather and felt uncomfortable in my own home growing up, so I have a huge aversion to doing the same to my kids.

Plus I really love my own space and being captain of my own ship, not having to compromise on things, having control over my money and time and energy.

I can't see much advantage to living with a guy - despite it being 2021 so many women seem to end up doing the lion's share of housework and so on. I can't be arsed with having to fight for equality in my own home, (and I don't really believe you know how it will be until he's moved in, and then it would be a bugger to get them out again ).

Well said, you've articulated beautifully how I feel.

No need for explanations or justifications IMO. All parties are happy. So this kind of relationship is outside of the norm. Big deal!! Not for me

I’m not sure why you think it’s a problem that it’s ‘selfish’ @cherry2727. What’s actually wrong with selfishness providing it isn’t hurting anyone else? I like being selfish and putting myself first! I love my own space and have zero desire to permanently have another person in it. I don’t want to share my money or live off someone else’s.

I disagree that this somehow financially disadvantages women. Women who want to live alone will likely not take time out of the workplace if they have kids, they won’t drop down to part time work. They’ll probably earn more than women in cohabiting relationships. Seeing someone romantically doesn’t mean you have to entangle every aspect of your life with them. It makes far more sense to be financially independent in the event of the relationship ending.

When I split up with my husband (it's a when not an if), I'm never living with anyone I didn't give birth to ever again. I have been there, done that and, frankly, it's much better to be the only adult in the house.

We may have less money but at least it's our own.

Good point about inheritances too. An ex of mine's father left his mum and remarried the other woman. After she had children she insisted that the will said that if they both died half of their estate would go to her children alone and the his dad's half would be split between all children equally (5 boys altogether). Then fast forward years and before he died, which was a long time coming so it was known, they put all of his assets into a new house and of course when he died it all went to her and ex and his brothers knew she was never going to leave them anything plus she didn't have any ready cash so they ended up paying for the funeral. So messed up.

Anything I have managed to save is for my son. Or say for example my parents died and left me money - that is for me and then my son. Not for someone I married or lived with way down the line who happened to outlive me.

@FishyFriday

When I split up with my husband (it's a when not an if), I'm never living with anyone I didn't give birth to ever again. I have been there, done that and, frankly, it's much better to be the only adult in the house.

When I split up with my husband (it's a when not an if)

So why not just go now if you've already decided?

If you haven't mutually agreed to stay together then its a bit nasty pretending things are ok and keeping him hanging around when he could be making a new life for himself. If you've decided to go just go.

I love my own space and really wouldn't want a man living here

For all you know BFL he's an abusive arsehole. Wade in with judgement why don't you.

@TheHoneyBadger

For all you know BFL he's an abusive arsehole. Wade in with judgement why don't you.

The only judgement is why wait. If he was an abusive arsehole even more reason to get out sooner.

I think this way of living is completely normal.

Personally, having done it, I can say it's not for me. Having to spend two days or whatever at someone else's house, while my pets /plants/chores go unattended, then when dp is over at mine it's the same because I'm "hosting", can't just get on with normal life. Travel time and getting stuck in traffic, always having to pack an overnight bag and always forgetting something. Plus I find romance wears off either, this way of living didn't keep it fresh.

But that's me, and everyone is different, especially if you have kids it sounds like the best choice for you.

I read your post and had to check that I hadn’t posted this! Exactly the same set up. I just don’t fancy parenting someone else’s child. We will probably live together when the youngest goes to uni. Our parenting styles are very different and I feel we would end up arguing over the kids. Currently we spend eow together and we try not to do any chores but to just have fun.

We do this. Together seven years. Lived together for four years, we've now been living apart now for two. Our relationship is amazing for it. We have to actively choose to see each other. Sex is amazing. No arguments over domestic drudgery. I'm head over heels in love with him still and I put that down in no small part to living separately. We both have stressful jobs and it just works so well for us. We thought it would be a temporary break but I'm not sure when we'd go back to living together full time. Maybe when we retire in 25 years?!

My dad has been doing this for 22yrs with his partner and are both perfectly happy with the arrangement. They've both had their own things over the years - kids from previous marriages, work commitments, elderly parents- that have prevented there being a "good" time to move in together. Those reasons are gone now but they've both decided the enjoy their own space too much to bother and are happy to just see each other whenever suits!

Check out the story of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, and their two homes in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. The homes were across the street from each other, and they built an overhead bridge between them. They had by all accounts a tumultuous love affair, and we have been told stories about Taylor locking her door to the bridge and Burton, a few sheets to the wind, pounding on the door to be let in.

The place was called Casa Kimberly and is now a hotel.

So why not just go now if you've already decided?

If you haven't mutually agreed to stay together then its a bit nasty pretending things are ok and keeping him hanging around when he could be making a new life for himself. If you've decided to go just go.

Ducks in a row.

I've told him it's a problem and I want to leave. But I need to get several things sorted to actually do that. I'm not pretending anything is ok.

The happiest time of my life was when I lived alone and visited OH at weekends, or he visited me. It was lovely - we appreciated each other so much more.

Now we're married and live together, and I'm not saying I would change that. Living together is certainly more practical now that we are parents. But I do sometimes think wistfully about those happy days. The balance was just right. So I get you, totally.

I say if it's not broke, don't try to fix it.

@TheHoneyBadger

I think in broad generalised terms men want to get everything from a woman and don’t look to their friends for their emotional needs whereas women, similarly I guess, find men don’t satisfy their emotional needs and foster friendships.

On the whole if we could somehow get men to be better friends to each other and not expect all of their needs to be met by their partner everyone’s lives would be better. I include in that men needing to be better at self soothing and taking more responsibility for their own well-being.

It’s far too common that women feel like a male partner is like another child they’re responsible for so it’s unsurprising that many women will choose to opt out of living with men when circumstances allow.

I love that point you make about men wanting to get all their needs met from a woman and women fostering friendships. Yes it's generalising but one of the reasons my marriage broke up was because my husband had no friends and I felt his need for my constant attention like a weight.

Yep. It's way too common a theme ninja. When you have the responsibility of work and kids and everything else on you you don't need a partner to feel like extra weight hanging on you.

Maybe it's about better fatherhood in that if people weren't raised looking to and getting everything from mum they wouldn't automatically direct all of their adult needs at women too? In a sense we're doing the same thing in our friendships - needing a woman - but at least with give and take and reciprocity and gratitude rather than just an expectation.

@TheHoneyBadger

Yep. It's way too common a theme ninja. When you have the responsibility of work and kids and everything else on you you don't need a partner to feel like extra weight hanging on you.

Maybe it's about better fatherhood in that if people weren't raised looking to and getting everything from mum they wouldn't automatically direct all of their adult needs at women too? In a sense we're doing the same thing in our friendships - needing a woman - but at least with give and take and reciprocity and gratitude rather than just an expectation.

It's one of the reasons why fatherhood is so important. And why boys (and girls) need proper quality time with their dads, not just this alternate weekends thing. Likewise in marriages, dads being around to shape the manhood of their sons and be someone their son goes to for emotional support too, and importantly mothers not mollycoddling their sons (I see SO much of this).

Unfortunately parenting your own children in so devalued nowadays in the West for both mums and dads. Careers and other things have been made idols instead.

Livba I SO agree with you about mothers mollycoddling their sons. I was brought up in Ireland (although I'm not sure it was any better in the UK) and my male relatives would tell the 'girls' to 'go help your mother'. Not a word to the boys. And the mothers would be running round after the boys, clearing up after them like feckin' servants.

Not only does it makes the boys grow up to be useless, lazy and totally reliant on women - it makes them RESENT women too FOR relying on them.

Oh so it's all women's fault again then?

Somehow women get over their childhood's and grow into adults but grown men's behaviour can be blamed on their mother's?

Let's not do that to each other.