Does love come back/what do I do

[helplesshopeless]

Nc for this.

Advice needed please, I've created a huge mess and can't see a way out/what is for the best. This may be long.

I am married with a 3yo. DH has always had a nasty temper, I've suggested anger management counselling numerous times but to no avail. The last few years since having my child have been really difficult. He's generally spoken to me with contempt and disdain a lot of the time, with occasional temper flashes, arguments are always toxic, things could get very nasty (never physical). On a day to day basis we would be civil enough to eachother, but nasty looks and snappiness from him were definitely daily as well, with bigger flare ups fairly regularly. We have had happy family times too and we both dote on our child.

All of this treatment from my DH culminated in my withdrawing from him and ultimately having an affair the last few months, with someone who made me feel loved and cared for. It was mainly an emotional affair but there was a small amount of physical contact (we did not have sex). This is someone that I work with, so although we're wfh at the moment, he is in team zoom meetings etc.

My DH found everything out last week. He is angry but also devastated. I have never seen him so upset and it has shocked me that he cares that much about me. He has completely woken up to how he's been treating me and is committed to having anger management therapy and working on things with me. I obviously am ashamed of what I have done and there is no excuse for my behaviour, but he does recognise that his treatment of me took me to a place where I was open to someone else. I still can't believe I had an affair because it is so against my morals and I fully deserve to be judged for it.

We are working on things and will get relationship counselling. There's a lot of self esteem issues that my husband struggles with, especially since we had our child as he's felt like he's been stuck on the outside looking in, and he thinks this is why he's been treating me how he has. I do understand this and it makes sense, but it doesn't change how he's treated me in the past and how damaging I have found it.

My husband wants me to leave my work so there's no interaction with the other man. I totally understand his point but am reluctant to do this as I'd then feel trapped.

I want to get back to a happy place with my husband. I don't want to feel trapped with him. I don't know if I can find my way back to loving him, whether all of this is coming too late after years of awful treatment. I accept I have behaved in a disgusting way and deserve all of this fall out, and am so worried about the impact on our child and how I'd manage if we separate. I am also concerned about the impact on my husband if things don't work as he has been explaining how it will crush him and he'd never be able to trust anyone again if we don't manage to work through this.

I just don't know if my heart is in this anymore, I want to be able to be happy with him and love him and our family deserves for me to work on this and fully commit to getting back on track, but I have no idea if I'll ever get back to where I need to be.

I am ashamed to admit I still have feelings for the other guy. I could obviously never be with him anyway so that is irrelevant, but it's clouding my judgement. I need to hear from people who have learnt to love their husbands again. Is that a thing? Will we ever get there?

I still can't believe any of this is happening.

Separate. Have a relationship at a distance. See how he goes with the counselling and changing - I do think people can change, yes even men, but my god it takes effort and time. Imo he needs to prove he HAS changed, then you'll be able to know if you love the man he has become.

I agree with awsome.

Try a temporary separation and see if you still feel anything for him and see how well his counselling etc goes.

I think he’s had plenty time to be a good husband and he’s only prepared to make any effort because someone else wants you. I think if he reckoned nobody else wanted you again he’d revert to who he is. An angry little man.

Be apart. See how you feel. In my experience once the love is gone it won’t come back.

Morning everyone. Thank you again for your thoughts. Will try to address each point now...

So really, even though you know deep down inside you don't love him anymore, you are afraid to leave him because you fear he will continue to punish you... please be honest with yourself

Yes, there's an element of being afraid of what behaviour there'll be if things end, but mainly it's the broader impact generally of divorce and what that means for our home, our child, and everything that comes with that mess.

It does sound like you're having glimmers of a world where you and your child live in a non-horrible home environment.

Absolutely, there were moments during my affair that I thought 'ah, so this is what a healthy loving relationship would look like.' But I have to be fair and say our home environment wasn't horrible as a whole, yes there were horrible elements to it but also just normal every day life plus happy fun moments (even during lockdown!). I know I sound like I'm in denial but I'm just trying to be balanced and not make my husband out to be worse than he actually is!

However unfortunately I also agreed to work on it instead of leaving and we dragged it out for another two years.

That is my fear - I do believe my husband that he'll do whatever it takes to make things better, he absolutely does mean it, and he's desperate to prove himself and do anything to keep us together for our child. Ultimately I just don't know if I want that now, and I'm worried that if we keep trying for a period, things will be even worse for our child if we split as they will be older and more aware of what's going on.

beagleeagle that cycle is very interesting. It kind of follows, but only in the sense that that tends to be how our disagreements simmer when he's in a bad mood, as opposed to a regular cycle. I don't think he's a classic abuser, I think he's just a bit of an extreme dickhead!!

In terms of separating and seeing how things go, I would be happy to try that. However unfortunately my husband is very black and white and he's finding my lack of throwing myself into fixing this really really stressful and difficult. We had a big talk last night and I've explained that I need space and time as I feel really numb to everything at the moment and need to work out my own feelings. This has really panicked him and he's absolutely desperate for me to show that I'm still committed to making things work. I'm just struggling to show that at the moment

“I wish I'd made it clear to him earlier how bad his behaviour was, before I'd got myself into the affair, then maybe I'd feel like we could work things out.”

Not RTFT but this really jumped out at me. Why should you have to explain to another adult that you don’t like being shouted and sworn at and verbally abused?

All the opening up re MH is great but people with abusive tendencies seem to be using it as an excuse. I don’t believe he had low self esteem. People with low self esteem don’t tend to treat other people like shit. I think his self esteem was very high. That’s why he thought he could treat you very badly and you’d just suck it up. His behaviour has killed your love. And that’s a really good thing. It’s healthy that your love has died. It won’t come back. Let him learn from this and not repeat this mistake in future relationships.

I agree with PP, separate and work on things from a distance.
This will help bring you perspective.
Do not leave your job.

He wont change, if he really wanted to sort himself out he would have gone to counselling earlier. Please do not give up your job, you will make yourself too vulnerable.

he's finding my lack of throwing myself into fixing this really really stressful and difficult. We had a big talk last night and I've explained that I need space and time as I feel really numb to everything at the moment and need to work out my own feelings. This has really panicked him and he's absolutely desperate for me to show that I'm still committed to making things work. I'm just struggling to show that at the moment

It all needs to be on his terms, doesn't it? I bet he's not writing on an internet forum "my wife needs space and time, I find that really stressful but I'm trying to find a way to give her that".

No, instead he wants you to commit to remaining in the relationship as quickly as possible.

I'd hazard a guess it isn't your "lack of throwing myself into fixing this" that he's find "really really stressful and difficult", it's actually the fact that the power balance in your relationship has shifted that he finds really stressful and difficult. That's why he will never agree to a trial separation, because it means he's still not fully in control.

And I'd suggest "black and white" actually means "my way or the highway".

It all needs to be on his terms, doesn't it? I bet he's not writing on an internet forum "my wife needs space and time, I find that really stressful but I'm trying to find a way to give her that".

I have to give credit where it's due- he is actually trying to do that and understands that I need it, even though it's causing him distress.

I know he has been labelled as an abuser here and so everyone is cynical of what his responses are, but he is genuinely dedicated to changing and is absolutely distraught but trying to be understanding of my feelings too.

I'm just struggling with what I want and whether this is all too late for me to be able to engage in it.

He doesn’t have to be “an abuser” to make living with him an absolute pain though. Nor does there need to be sufficient reason for you to fall out of love with him. Being an extreme dickhead (enjoyed that phrase!) really is reason and explanation enough, this isn’t a court - it’s your feelings.

I’m with PP that I suspect that his “finding this very difficult” relates to his astonishment that you’re not on your knees begging forgiveness but are instead having the temerity to dig into deeper issues in the relationship.

It really does sound like you need some space to think.

Don't leave your job. Trust m,e next will come another issue. Checking messages, opening mail,finding reasons for you not to go out with friends. It's over. He's playing the victim card. Do not let him isolate you. Hold your head high and walk away.

Morning! Thanks for your thoughts. I went to visit a friend last night for a walk and it was really good to get away. When I came back he was calm and happy and said he's realised he needs to let go and chill out so I can have space to work on whatever I need. Honestly can't fault his behaviour in dealing with this, almost wish he'd more difficult so I wasn't so confused!

You can fall out of love regardless of the mitigating circumstances. Falling back in love in my opinion is so hard. Even harder with someone else in your head (no judgement here). I think you need some space to think before making any decisions. I wouldn't leave your job, you can distance yourself from the other man without leaving. Is that really what you want though? You know what you should want, and what is expected of you to want, but be honest with yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this. Take your time, these are big decisions

Thanks loveisallthereis. It's so hard really worried about how things would work out for our child. He wants loads of sex at the moment to 'bond' and I just feel nothing emotionally when we do it. Is that normal for a long term relationship?!

@helplesshopeless I've name changed for this but wanted to say that your situation is almost identical to mine, but I am about 4 years in front of you.
I'm busy with the kids atm but I'll come back and tell you my story, for the record we are still together and things are going really well it's taken the full 4 years to get here tho and my husband was not quite as bad as yours.

And please don't be so hard on yourself. No, cheating is not the best thing to do but sometimes you are so worn down, trapped and can't see a way out, it's like a self sabotage thing to get out of the marriage (well for me anyway)

Google hysterical bonding. If I had known about it I would have booted exh out sooner.. We weren't genuinely reconnecting at all.

Is lots of sex something you want at the moment?

Seems like he’s getting what he wants with lots of sex. Very weird reaction.

stoopider I don't think it's strange at all, I understand the need to connect.

cavagirl I don't mind it, I'm not feeling pressured or coerced into it, I'm just concerned that I don't feel anything.

aprilshowers yes it's absolutely hysterical bonding, we'd already read about that. Not sure if it's a good thing or not!!

almostsamestory thanks so much for your message. Would love to hear more about your journey

@helplesshopeless so my DH and I have been together since I was 17 and he was 19. Looking back I can see the red flags but for nearly the whole of our relationship I just thought I was going crazy!

My husband, I would say, had anger issues and was mentally abusive. He never put me down or called me names but he would get so angry and was a huge gaslighter etc. I used to want to leave nearly every two weeks when things were bad but we had three children and I was always scared of how to do it all on my own, my DH also used to imply he would kill himself if we separated. I tried every single thing I could think of to help our relationship and he just didn't seem interested.

Four years ago I randomly met a guy while I was out with a GF and we hit it off. We ended up having a 4 month affair, mainly emotional, some physical but no sex. My DH found out and the affair obviously ended. My DH was an absolute wreck, of course I didn't feel great about what I did but I was so numb emotionally I didn't care too much to be completely honest.
As someone said earlier, I had even warned him that every time he did those things to me my heart became colder and harder and soon there would be nothing left, and that point had come.
He had absolutely destroyed me mentally and I think in my subconscious I was hoping he would leave me when he found out about the affair as he had made it so hard for me to leave it needed to be his decision.

My DH ended up getting counselling for himself and we did some marriage counselling too. Things were rocky and awful for so long and we pretty much didn't have sex for that whole time as I just couldn't. He'd put me through so much over the years and I didn't love him anymore plus I also felt like shit about myself to have had the affair.

Long long story short haha We actually ended up separating in 2019 but were still good friends, we have always worked well as a team when it comes to the kids and that didn't change during our separation. In January 2020 I decided I was willing to give it another go, he had definitely changed and could see the things he had done wrong in our marriage and took full responsibility. He has more control over his anger and moods now and his behaviour from the past is no longer. He's a great Dad/DH in all other ways and this one thing was our sticking point and I can confidently say he's a changed man. We are very happy.
But I also need to say that the time we were separated was also one of the best times of my life, and I don't say that to be nasty, we/I just really needed that time on my own and now I know if he were ever to revert back to past behaviour I know I can do it on my own so I have no fear anymore. If there is any hint of the past behaviour coming back then I'm gone, I have found my boundaries and my voice and I'm no longer afraid.

I'm aware your situation is different in some aspects and don't want to tell you what you should do, but I hope this helps just a little.

Also, so sorry that is an absolute novel haha

I think what’s not necessarily normal is that he “really wants lots of sex” and you feel nothing and “don’t mind it”. Is that the bar you usually set for sex or are you “compromising” because you are so confused/guilty?

almostsamestory wow that is so so similar. Can I ask if you had feelings for the other guy? At what point did you start to feel like you could love your DH again? My concern is that I'd rather separate now if it's not going to work, when my child is young and likely won't be as impacted/can adjust quickly, rather than dragging this on for a few years in the hope that things get better, only to separate when they are older and more cognisant of what is happening.

thethermalstair interesting question, I am appreciating your thoughts/challenges on what I'm saying! To be honest we've had next to no sex in the last few years, so I don't really have a normal 'bar'. I'm definitely engaging in it as a way of trying to show that I'm making an effort, but finding it quite difficult to keep the pretence up now.

@helplesshopeless

almostsamestory wow that is so so similar. Can I ask if you had feelings for the other guy? At what point did you start to feel like you could love your DH again? My concern is that I'd rather separate now if it's not going to work, when my child is young and likely won't be as impacted/can adjust quickly, rather than dragging this on for a few years in the hope that things get better, only to separate when they are older and more cognisant of what is happening.

thethermalstair interesting question, I am appreciating your thoughts/challenges on what I'm saying! To be honest we've had next to no sex in the last few years, so I don't really have a normal 'bar'. I'm definitely engaging in it as a way of trying to show that I'm making an effort, but finding it quite difficult to keep the pretence up now.

You really sound like you need a hug! I think the fact that you are having to “pretend” during sex is... not a good sign. Interesting that PP broke up before things could get better. I wonder if that complete reset would be the same for you?

@helplesshopeless

almostsamestory wow that is so so similar. Can I ask if you had feelings for the other guy? At what point did you start to feel like you could love your DH again? My concern is that I'd rather separate now if it's not going to work, when my child is young and likely won't be as impacted/can adjust quickly, rather than dragging this on for a few years in the hope that things get better, only to separate when they are older and more cognisant of what is happening.

thethermalstair interesting question, I am appreciating your thoughts/challenges on what I'm saying! To be honest we've had next to no sex in the last few years, so I don't really have a normal 'bar'. I'm definitely engaging in it as a way of trying to show that I'm making an effort, but finding it quite difficult to keep the pretence up now.

Yes I had feelings for the other guy, we were so similar in personality and we had the same sense of humour. Once it was found out tho it was ended immediately, he tried to work things out with his wife and we struggled along. There was something that happened 2 years after the affair ended and I messaged him and he blasted me and told me (and I imagine everyone else) that it was all my fault and I manipulated him into having the affair and even said he had info on me with another guy, which was a total lie. It was at that point I realised what an absolute toss pot he was an I couldn't believe I had been so stupid.

I'm not sure at what point I regained my feelings for my DH, I was quite awful to him I hate to admit and he stood by me and let me talk about the past (even if it hurt him) and get out all my feelings.
He NEVER pressured me for sex, he never has anyway as that's just not him but that was a big thing for me and he went without for a very long time while i was sorting out my head and he was very understanding and patient.
I think when I noticed that his changed behaviour was genuine and not just fake to get me back is when I started letting my guard down a bit more.
We both agree that our separation had to happen though as it was too toxic at that point to stay together and there was no expectation that we would even get back together

Your marriage is over, OP.

You just haven't caught up with that reality yet.

Time to rip off the plaster.