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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 02/04/2021 12:32

'If it happens again bring the window in'

Nah, if it happens again brick the window in and divorce him.

Bluegrass · 02/04/2021 12:32

I thought maybe he was so junior that he was (unreasonably) frightened of leaving a meeting, but sounds like he is just incredibly unpleasant.

Now that you see that everyone thinks this is absolutely appalling behaviour, what next? What on earth are the children learning about relationships and their own importance in the family when they witness this, it’s just unbelievable.

NoSquirrels · 02/04/2021 12:32

Tell him he needs to move his office downstairs so he is available to open the door more easily if he can’t modify his behaviour. Or set a timer on his phone to double-check the door before you are due home. Or write his own note and stick it on the door. Make it clear he needs to solve this problem of his own making.

Tell him once was a mistake but twice - and the upset caused to your children - was idiotic and presumably he’s not an idiot?

Tell him it shows an astounding lack of empathy and respect for you all - that’s he’s treating his family as less important than a co-worker or client.

Tell him you’re seriously unhappy and if he minimises this he will be showing you exactly how much he cares.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 02/04/2021 12:32

It's scary that you don't seem to realise how bizarre and fucked up this is, because he seems to have worn you down over the years. Would you say your self-confidence is quite low?

TwoTypesOfStock · 02/04/2021 12:33

By the way Op, show the twat this thread.

RosesandPumpkins · 02/04/2021 12:33

Also I’d have thrown my shoe at the window repeatedly till he came down. I can be a little infantile though. Grin

HighlandCowbag · 02/04/2021 12:34

That's fucking disgusting. Absolutely appalling behaviour, I would actually put the window through next time. Or 'accidentally' take his key to work with me. Cunt.

DiamondBright · 02/04/2021 12:34

I occasionally forget to unlock the front door when DD is due home from school, I've always managed to pop out of a call for the minute it takes to go downstairs and unlock the door. If I was in the middle of presenting a paper to a committee she'd have to wait a few minutes but that would be the only thing that would stop me letting her in.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 02/04/2021 12:34

If it happens again I'd consider calling the police - obviously your husband has had a heart attack or something that means he can't get to the door, as no-one would leave their wife and children locked out on purpose Hmm

NoSquirrels · 02/04/2021 12:34

I think it’s unacceptable too really.

But have you used words - angry, LOUD words - to tell him?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2021 12:34

WTAF???
He left you outside so long that your poor DD had to pee in the GARDEN??

That's disgusting. NO work "thing" is that important.

Fuck, I'd have been livid the FIRST time and made sure it didn't happen again in oh so many ways - but this is way more than just twice, hey!

Arsehole man. And now you're thinking of ways round it, to let him off being an arsehole wanker. I'd have been throwing things at his window until he fucking came down and unlocked the fucking door.

I'm so angry on your behalf! Jeez.

Wanderlusto · 02/04/2021 12:35

It's funny how narcissist assholes always end up in management, I mean, they have zero people skills.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/04/2021 12:35

There is no call important enough that would stop my husband letting me, his WIFE, into our house. Your husband is a selfish cunt.

TakeMeToKernow · 02/04/2021 12:35

Where is your anger? Why are you not furious at the disrespect, the absolute lack of care? He doesn’t give a shit about you.

SouthernBounce · 02/04/2021 12:36

What you take will be what you will have dished out to you, for as long as you’re willing to take it.

I have never heard of anyone not being able to let in a loved one, important meeting or not. This was his choice.

I suspect he was doing something you’re not supposed to be privy to... completely bizarre and cruel behaviour.

Apart from taking a back door key, what do you plan to do about it?

Do you ever stand up for yourself at all, and when you do, what happens, how does your husband respond? If you never have yet, how do you expect he may react?

wombatspoopcubes · 02/04/2021 12:36

Unless he’s instructing someone to do complex brain surgery via zoom, there is absolutely no excuse. How contempt for you and his children is clear.

That still wouldn't be an excuse. 1. There are at least two surgeons present and 2. In the event of an energency they call an extra colleague to take over.

StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli · 02/04/2021 12:36

That's really cruel of him to let his child stand outside crying because they need the loo. I couldn't forgive him for that.

JackieWeaverFever · 02/04/2021 12:36

Totally totally unacceptable
It shouldn't happen once let alone repeatedly.

He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden.

ANY REASONABLE PERSON can excuse themselves for 60 seconds.

Even if you just forgot your keys it wouldn't be okay. The fact he is doing this to you takes it to the next level of crazy.

A very simple way to sense check to ask how do you think he wpuld behave of you did this to him

Sorry but you do not have a good marriage.

RantyAnty · 02/04/2021 12:36

I can understand this happening once, but multiple times, no.
His actions show his contempt for you.

How nasty of him to leave you all outside for up to an hour after you had done everything with the DC, worked all day, picked them up, and got home tired .

You then mentioned you are also expected to cook dinner after all this?

Are you expected to do everything while he just works a job?

MazekeenSmith · 02/04/2021 12:37

This is so unbelievably disrespectful and abusive that I can't even formulate a response. I really really hope you're planning on leaving him.

FantasticButtocks · 02/04/2021 12:37

@AnyFucker

I would get a brick and put it through that window next time. I am serious, btw.

Me too!

He knowingly left you waiting outside for half an hour 'the first few times'??? After the first time op, how did you express your fury? Because it can't have been strong enough if he actually thought it would be ok to do this again!!! And an hour... for goodness sake!

Is there a reason why you haven't read him the riot act? Are you scared of him? No, of course no business call in the world could be more important than opening the door to your wife when you've bloody well locked her out! Angry

Tal45 · 02/04/2021 12:37

Take all front door keys with you when you leave the house. He can use the back door.

IndiaMay · 02/04/2021 12:38

Wtf. I'm pretty senior and I've got up from a work call to let the cat in because hes a lazy sh*t who wont use the cat flap

BeakyWinder · 02/04/2021 12:39

What an arrogant little shit he is.

EdgeOfFortyNine · 02/04/2021 12:39

What the fuck is it teaching your poor children? I can't imagine what their self-esteem will be like as they grow up, when the person who is meant to protect them is treating them like muck.

Your own self-esteem must be through the floor, that you have to even ask if this is acceptable behaviour.