Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

He sounds foul. How can you live like this? Your children are learning that this is a normal relationship and it really isn't. I know leaving is hard and will take time, but please think about what you want for your life and your children. You deserve so much better than this

Tell him to put a tv in his office where he is so very highly placed. & watch it there.
I am guessing he also decides what he wants on the TV?
Criticizes the dinner menu?
Makes remarks about jobs not done.?

I would tell him no one in your family is superior to the others & sit tight, & say in no uncertain terms to get his legs off you. Is he so spineless he has to lie down ?

Can you move his sofa? Or get armchairs? Or rearrange the room so everyone gets s good view of TV?

Gathertherainbows,

I had a sort of similar situation happen to me last week.

I didn't have my key with me last Wednesday because I unexpectedly came home much earlier than anticipated (totally my lack of foresight).

My partner has worked from home three days a week ever since lockdown ended here - Sydney - and is often on what would be considered 'important' calls/zoom meetings and consultations etc.

Anyway, when I got home, I remembered that I hadn't taken my key and sent him a text message asking him to come downstairs to let me in when he had a moment.

He came down about three minutes later, moderately annoyed.

...Not that I interrupted him, but that I hadn't called him to let me in. "What if I hadn't noticed that message for twenty minutes or more and you'd just been left standing out here? Why wouldn't you just call?"

When I said I didn't want to call in case I interrupted anything important, he said, "Look Carly, I know you're just trying to be considerate, but I'm a grown man - I decide what's important and what is and isn't a valid distraction from my work. Your job is to provide me with the relevant information about your needs and wants so that I can make that decision. Nothing I'm doing is so important that I can't take sixty seconds to let you in, worst case you'll be waiting five minutes if I'm in the middle of something particularly sensitive."

That's how a partner should act who gives a damn about you and who considers you to be an equal who is worthy of respect and consideration.

...If I had his crying child with me with personal needs to attend to, forget about it. No way would he just disregard and humiliate her like that.

Something is very wrong with your relationship dynamic. You might want to consider what you're teaching you daughter about herself, about men, about relationships and about a woman's place and value.

No this is absolutely not normal OP. Not since the 1950s anyway. Who the fuck does he think he is?

The only reason men treat women like second class citizens, their cooks, maids, nannies is because we let them. Quite simply.

You say to 'd'h the children are 50% your responsibility. Start doing your half or you'll find yourself responsible for them full time on the days you have custody of them. That'll hopefully put the fear into him.

I really do despair for yet another generation of women who seem to think this is normal. Who marry and have children when men who are selfish and thoughtless expecting them to change. They don't change. They just expect you to give up your career, your free time, and as on your case, access to your home temporarily because he's all important.

Fuck that. My DH does at least 50% of housework, childcare, cooking and DIY. He has a demanding management job, as do I and we respect each others careers. This is how it should be. If it's not then the only person who can change it is you.

Start doing your half or you'll find yourself responsible for them full time on the days you have custody of them. That'll hopefully put the fear into him.

Perhaps it might, bit everytime I see someone post something like this I just think "men like that won't take them for anywhere near equal time, if they take them.at all .. and it won't bother them either".

Noone can enforce custody/visits on a non resident parent.

The only reason men treat women like second class citizens, their cooks, maids, nannies is because we let them. Quite simply.

That's just saying it's women's fault they are treated badly, and it really isn't. I don't have to tell my OH to treat me with respect - he does it because to him that's what a loving relationship is. He wouldn't treat me like a cook or maid because he could get away with it, he just wouldn't treat me like that at all, because he's a decent person.

And women don't just 'let' men treat them appalling. These men don't start a relationship like this. They start with a facade of reason and respect and then very gradually change things. They grind women down over years and years until they don't realise how badly they are being treated. It really isn't a case that women let men get away with it and it's therefore women's fault that this happens - that's bollocks, and damaging bollocks at that.

@ MarshmallowAra
I completely agree and often comment about it . It’s so misleading to advise often distraught women whose partners do absolutely no childcare/ housework to LTB and then say they will have EOW to themselves .
In my experience and my knowledge of many other couples , this simply doesn’t happen.

I am afraid that your husband is a selfish dickhead who does not respect or value you or your children.
And no, not all men are like this, far from it.

This man is genuinely awful and abusive and your children are growing up thinking this is normal. They will be work down too.

I am very laidback and still shocked how you just seem to be 🤷🏼‍♀️ about the whole thing

Bloody hell op. If dh knowingly left me and the dc standing outside for more than 5 minutes whilst he finished his poo/excused himself from a call/whatever I'd be raging.

To leave you for up to an hour - it's cruel, controlling, abusive and just downright odd. There's something seriously wrong with this man.

I would keep my finger on the doorbell if it happened more than once, until he came down and opened the door. And warn him that if it happens again, you will do the same.

He sounds like a vile pompous twat and a shit partner and dad.
Too important to remember menial stuff or to care about his family, knowing that he has left them standing outside.
Sorry OP, but you & your kids deserve better than that.
Reading your posts has made me so angry and sad for you.

You know what's the worst thing about this thread?
It's not how blatantly shit and selfish and superior the husband.
It's the fact that the poor OP can't even seem to realise how bad he is.

And I don't mean to sound patronising, OP. I am just sad that you seem to think he isn't too bad.
What do you friends/family say about all this?

And re the 'menial' food instructions, I have no words...

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

@Gathertherainbows I've posted that link for you to have a read of. Perhaps you associate the idea of abuse as physical. This list shows you the wider range of emotional abuse. I can find your examples on this list. You may have many more as you've already said you are keeping notes, so perhaps seeing the things you have written down matching these will help you.

Also another thought on "his house, his TV, his settee". Does that also apply to the DC or does he have the view "your kids" not "our kids". Perhaps also "Your kitchen, your hoover, your washing machine"?

Finally, fully agree with @BertramLacey that the view it is the abused persons fault is very dangerous and not helpful and also with @AmaryllisNightAndDay that if you spilt there is no guarantee he would take the DC EOW or that you would want him to as you may feel he couldn't be trusted with them. He sounds the type to leave them with his mother or sister.

Keep posting we are here to help.

Sorry I meant @MarshmallowAra not@AmaryllisNightAndDay in my previous post.

@Gathertherainbows hope you are doing OK.

What a bastard. If I were you I would be quietly getting my ducks in a row and preparing to separate.

I'm a single parent. Believe me, it is so much better to be on your own than having to deal with an abusive arsehole like this.

Double cleanse to make sure every scrap of make up is off to help acne and ask the doctor to prescribe roaccutane sooner!!

Sorry wrong thread ! I don't know how I managed that
Hope you're doing ok op

I'd call out a locksmith

Why are you letting him abuse your children like that? Protect them.