Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

I feel heartbroken for you. Your poor dd. And poor you. This man is cruel. And extremely controlling! Please leave him. Plan first, don't tell him anything.

Like many others on here, I’m a manager who has lots of zoom calls.

There are very few I absolutely couldn’t leave to get the door. I can think of the odd occasion. Like the time I did a live podcast thingy for the company website.

But do you know what? Because I’m an averagely considerate and competent human being I did a sweep of the house to check for anything that might have needed attention for the 40 minutes it took. So, keys out of the door, a do not disturb notice etc.

But i can’t think of another circumstance except maybe a court hearing where you absolutely couldn’t get up and get the door. I’ve been a minion in several directors meetings, and the bloody directors have jumped up to let the dog in or see to a delivery.

This isn’t work op, it’s a power play to keep you in your place.

Wow, this is bad. What kind of man must he be

I've read some really strange stuff over the years on Mumsnet but this is really top ten - what an excellent example of controlling behaviour by your husband you are showing to your children.....grow a pair and sort it out FFS

The thing that makes this deliberately shitty is that you must have gone out through that door, so he has deliberately put his key in after you’ve gone.

Yes, he’s doing it on purpose .

Yes, he’s doing it to grind you down and show you how unimportant you are.

The thing I would be unable to get past is what he’s doing to his own child. Leaving small children to wet themselves is appalling cruelty.

Yes, take a back door key, but be prepared to have him to the same thing again, but on both doors. I would tell him that you will call a locksmith each and every time he locks you out, and you will b3 telling the locksmith every time that your husband is in. Make sure you carry proof of address with you. He won’t feel such a Charlie Big Potatoes when other people can see what a bastard he’s being to a four year old child.

What a wanker.

Just - selfish, self-important, punitive, arrogant - take your pick.

I absolutely 100% bet you that when you think about more of his behaviour you’ll realise you are in an extremely abusive relationship.

He’d likely been out at some point in the day, I do believe leaving the key in was an accident.
It’s the not letting us in part that upset me.

He's an arse and you're weak as fuck. Sorry but you are! NO WAY would my children be waiting outside the house for an hour because "daddy won't let us in"

That shit's damaging! They're getting the wrong message!

Tell him if he does it again, you're putting the window through. DO NOT let him walk all over you and especially not in front of your children!

Sorry OP but he sounds awful.

What kind of parent allows their reception-age child to pee in the garden because they're "on a call" and are too important to answer the door? That's disgusting.

I would lock him out next time he goes anywhere, then proceed to ignore the door for an hour. Or, when you go out, take his keys with you so he can't go anywhere as he can't lock up.

Unfortunately, OP you are married to a man who has Iamthebigmanitis. He will always see himself as the big cheese. His needs will always come first. He is fundamentally selfish and this will not change.

I know this purely because of the way he treated his own small DD. The fact that she was distressed due to needing the loo and he ignored her distress, tells me what kind of person he is.

He will not change. You will continue to modify your life to meet his needs. Unless you take the decision to change your own situation.

it’s easy done to leave the key in the other side

How?

Were you the last person to leave the house? Presumably the key wasn’t in the lock on the inside then? So has he come back to it after you’ve gone and put a key in it?

I’d start by putting a key box on the outside of the house with a code and a spare key in it now, so it doesn’t matter if you forgot your key. My door key is on my car key ring so if I’m out, I always have them.

None of this excuses the fact your DH has behaved in a dreadful dreadful way towards you.

He's a dick and thinks he's better than you

@Gathertherainbows

He’d likely been out at some point in the day, I do believe leaving the key in was an accident. It’s the not letting us in part that upset me.

Nope.

I think your muted reaction to this suggests a wider issue, of you taking this crap from him and seeing yourself as a second class citizen in your own home after him wearing you down. Any other relationship dynamic and this would NEVER have happened again

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting

You are under reacting.

How, actually, did you react the first time he did this?

So sorry you're enmeshed in this unhealthy dynamic. He has convinced you that what he does is more important than what you do. He is more important than you. I wonder if your children also believe this.

You're working right? Make sure your money is going into a seperate account of your own and do whatever it takes to maintain your independence. You dont want to be trapped with this bastard forevermore.

The thing that strikes me most about your OP now that I have got over your DH’s sheer awfulness is the opening line:

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting

Why do you think your were prepared to be told you were overreacting?

You’re under-reacting.

He’s conditioned you. Fight back.

I’ve read some weird stuff on here, but this is one of the weirdest.

Does he treat you badly in other ways? You seem remarkably sanguine about this, I’d have actual steam coming out of my ears!

Is he particularly anxious about his job in general? What was he like when the kids were at home when the schools were closed?

Also, it must have happened a few times in a short period because schools have only been back a few weeks. It seems like it could be on purpose.

Are you otherwise happy?

He's awful.
I don't believe it's accidental.
You say it's symbolic of how you are. What other issues are there?

I'd tell him he has to stop leaving the key in the door immediately. You can put a note on the door above the lock to remind him just in case it is accidental (accidental my arse...)
Then if he does it and he doesn't answer the door, hammer constantly on the door until he opens it.
If that doesn't work, then call a locksmith. Every fucking time.

You could of course take the back door key (or all back door keys in case he starts "accidentally leaving it in the back door lock too") and that might solve the problem.

Honestly? Next time he’s out, I would have the locks changed. And he wouldn’t be getting a key.

He has ZERO respect for his wife and child. He has no right to call himself a partner or a father. He can find somewhere else to feel like a king.

An hour is madness! No way AYBU. Not fun reading your updates either.

Genuinely think it would benefit you to consider leaving him. I'm gobsmacked by the ready meals anecdote; at best he's a big baby and at worst he's controlling and manipulative, as others have said. Whichever it is, he's a long way from the important man he imagines himself.

WTAF? He knows you are there and just let’s you wait…. Errrr, nooooo way would I put up with that. There is no business call that is that important. He does not value you op, sorry. That’s the reality. Time for a (very) serious talk!

He sounds like an absolute dick, OP. This is your home, how dare he leave you locked out of it. I'm also amazed he doesn't care about how upsetting it is for your DD. If I were you I'd start taking all the keys with you when you go out, but you really shouldn't have to.

Based on this and the other info you've given us, if I were you I'd definitely be reconsidering this marriage. Hard I know, with your DD so little, but his behaviour is going to trample your self-esteem (if it hasn't already) and send your DD some really damaging messages about men and marriage. He actually sounds like he has a personality disorder - he thinks he's too important to get ill? Sheesh. What a knob.

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

I’m assuming he’s not an emergency call operator, hostage negotiator or air traffic controller and therefore it’s completely fine for him to step away briefly to open the door, like literally every other remote worker in the land? What an absolute dick, leaving his wife and kids locked out while he wangs on about his WENUS. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Once I might let pass. The second time I would make such a racket that he could not physically continue his call.

The third time I would divorce him.