Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

You say you aren't scared of him - but have you tried saying no?
Let me have my sofa - No, it's not yours it's a family sofa, and we are sitting on it.
If you can't say this, then you are scared of something. What are you scared of?
When he claims to be better because he has a degree, do you laugh at him and say don't be ridiculous? If not, why not?
People have suggested changing the lock to something more suitable. You wouldn't do that without his permission, would you? Why is that? What are you scared of?
Why aren't you scared of destroying the self esteem of your DC by allowing this to be their lives?

He is abusive, please open your eyes and consider how this is affecting your kids too.

Hello OP. How are your children, particularly your daughter, since the incident of him locking you all out and your daughter having to pee in the garden?

I'm unsure of your ages of your children - past a certain age, particularly as a girl conscious of a need for personal privacy, I'd have felt quite humiliated by having to pee in the garden. If your awful husband could see her, could any of your neighbours also be aware of it?

I understand your inability to really show anger if he's made you used to his behaviour. However, I'm hoping some of what posters have being saying has made you question a future with your husband, enough to see what support, emotionally and financially, you could get in making a life living separate from him. 🌹

He has a better paid job than me. I did better at school and went to university but it is worth nothing in the real world, once you’ve had children.
I have started taking the back door key now.
I don’t think it’s abusive - but I do feel it speaks volumes about how important he thinks his time is vs mine. He’s made comments before that suggest that is his opinion.
I’m not scared re the settee thing, but it’s just what we do now. We move. If we don’t he lies down anyway and then his legs are across us.

This is really distressing and disturbing that your H would do that to you and your DC. He is not a nice man.

Years ago my Dad accidentally locked me IN. (I'd left my keys in my car). He drove all the way home from work to let me out. By which point I'd realised I could have climbed out the window to get my keys.

Our old locks used to have the key in lock problem. We changed the locks and now, even if a key is left in, we can unlock to door. Bonus is that they are more secure.

There are SO many solutions to this situation. Your H is an absolute arse for letting it happen repeatedly and you seem so passive by not doing anything about it.

It's weird. It's wrong. It's distressing and disturbing. You and your DC are worth so much more than this.

Oh gosh, my ex-husband had a much better paid job than me (although we went half on all the bills).

Within a few years of leaving him, I was light years ahead of him in terms of earning power. It helped a lot that I wasn't exhausting myself propping him up all the time.

So is there another sofa, where you all move to? If so, why doesn’t he sit on that?

My DH has ‘his’ chair. My DC have ‘their’ spots on the sofa - preferred places. Not so unusual. But no one gets their own way 100% of the time.

What happens if you point out it’s selfish and annoying? Have you ever done that? You say you’re fed up and worn down - was there a point you challenged it or is it “just what Daddy is like” and you all kow-tow automatically?

I frequently point out to my DH if I feel his behaviour is a bit self-centred or his insistence on something one way is detrimental to the DC - if he’s picking a battle that’s not worth it. As I say, nobody’s perfect. But we have the discussion. I’m not scared to, I don’t avoid it.

Everyone compromises to live with other people. But if you’re the ones compromising - you and the DC - to only one person, the balance of power and autonomy in your relationship is fucked up. And it has to change, either by hard, upsetting conflict leading to change, or by leaving him to achieve autonomy.

Your job is obviously flexible round the DC which has allowed him to earn more. But it doesn’t need to be that way forever if you’ve got good qualifications and drive to succeed.

You sound so defeated.

I’m so sorry, but he is a nasty, manipulating man. Not only to you, but also your daughter. Why are you putting up with this ?

I actually cannot read anymore

Of the posters posts not the replies

It is deeply damaging OP.... but for whatever reason, right now you are not ready to see it.

Perhaps the scope and depth of the damage this is doing to your chilrens' minds is too scary to truly contemplate.

I'm still staggered he forced his little girl to soil herself or relieve herself in the garden...like a dog.

I hope you do see it soon because your children are relying on you. You are all they have. Particularly your little girl.

@Gathertherainbows do you mean that you are sitting on the settee and he will lie down and put his legs over you and the DC? It's not that he wants to sit on a part of the settee, but he wants to lie down on it with no one else on it and will not sit there beside you all, but will put his (adult size and weight) legs on top of you all if he doesn't get what he wants? Where do you all move to?

This is an incredibly awful environemnt for your children to grow up in - he would put his legs over his children?

You sound totally worn down that you simply accept it now

“I’m not scared re the settee thing, but it’s just what we do now. We move. If we don’t he lies down anyway and then his legs are across us.”

Wow entitled much! What an arrogant man. Your children are already learning that they are not important to him, in so many ways. Need the toilet? Wait or go in the garden. Comfy on the sofa? Move or be squashed. Tired after a long day at school/nursery? Tough.

He’s no father and he’s no husband. Unless he makes some major changes to his views (how likely is that to happen?) then you and the children will continue to play second fiddle.

What do you want OP? How do you want your life to be?

@Gathertherainbows

I’m not sure. I don’t think I’d go so far as to say abuse if I’m honest, I think it’s disrespectful and clearly demonstrating where he considers us to be in relation to him. It’s along the same lines as him having his settee. His television. If any of us sit on his settee and he comes in he says ‘let me have my chair’ and we have to move. 🙄🙄🙄 I’m not scared of him in these instances but I am fed up and a bit worn down I suppose. I no longer expect anything different.

Try Googling 'king of the castle' in the freedom programme @Gathertherainbows and see if it rings any alarm bells. Because what you're describing - his superior, haughty attitude and the way he treats you is definitely recognisable in that description.

It is NOT NORMAL to leave your wife and child outside fir an HOUR, because he thinks he's too important to let you in.

It's domineering, controlling behaviour, and it absolutely is classed as abusive.

www.freedomprogram.co.uk/docs/freedomprog-chapter2.pdf

Yes, he lies horizontally on the sofa rather than sitting up. The three of us fit on the other one though.

@Gathertherainbows

He has a better paid job than me. I did better at school and went to university but it is worth nothing in the real world, once you’ve had children. I have started taking the back door key now. I don’t think it’s abusive - but I do feel it speaks volumes about how important he thinks his time is vs mine. He’s made comments before that suggest that is his opinion. I’m not scared re the settee thing, but it’s just what we do now. We move. If we don’t he lies down anyway and then his legs are across us.

Do you realise he's following the rules of Pack Theory? You know, that bullshit one for dogs where you're supposed to show them who is Alpha by making them wait for you, never letting them go through a door first, showing them they have no rights over where the Alpha wants to sit, etc?

Making your child piss in the garden whilst he watched is completely in keeping with that.

Bet he starts eating before anybody else, has first dibs on any food, will eat the child's easter egg if he feels like it, will keep you waiting when dinner is ready and so on.

You're just measly little beta/female mutts that need to be trained to know their place. He's only one evolutionary point above pissing over you.

You are the boiled frog OP you don't realise you are being cooked as he has slowly turned up the heat. I've been there slowly changing my ways to suit his ever-changing never ending demands. It doesn't feel that bad because you are used to doing as you are told you don't even think for yourself its his voice in your head. Get out take your kids and get out. The realisation will come after you'll get back to your true self and its absolutely marvellous.

@Gathertherainbows

Yes, he lies horizontally on the sofa rather than sitting up. The three of us fit on the other one though.

Oh op. Why can't you see how utterly wrong this all is?

@Gathertherainbows

He has a better paid job than me. I did better at school and went to university but it is worth nothing in the real world, once you’ve had children. I have started taking the back door key now. I don’t think it’s abusive - but I do feel it speaks volumes about how important he thinks his time is vs mine. He’s made comments before that suggest that is his opinion. I’m not scared re the settee thing, but it’s just what we do now. We move. If we don’t he lies down anyway and then his legs are across us.

What is your definition of abuse then? He lays himself across his own family? He locks his children out of their own home and watches his daughter use the garden as a loo? He treats you all like shit and that's not abuse, either?

This is so sad. Because your children are watching this and learning how to be treated by both of you.

He’s not as extreme as a lot of this. He wouldn’t eat the kids’ eggs or anything.
He has a freedom I don’t have though, because he knows I will be there to look after the children. He comes and goes as he pleases.
I do think it’s typical that most of the stuff with children falls on the woman.

@Gathertherainbows

He’s not as extreme as a lot of this. He wouldn’t eat the kids’ eggs or anything. He has a freedom I don’t have though, because he knows I will be there to look after the children. He comes and goes as he pleases. I do think it’s typical that most of the stuff with children falls on the woman.

No, it's not. It's abuse. His behaviour is emotionally abusive and they are seeing this, your children. The two of you are modelling the patterns they will take away with them in life.

He'll soon start leaving the key in the back door, too.

The sofa thing, WTAF?!

This guy treats you all like crap.

@Gathertherainbows

Yes, he lies horizontally on the sofa rather than sitting up. The three of us fit on the other one though.

And if you say “Oi, husband, get off! Sit on the other sofa!” what happens? I mean exactly what happens?

Does he say “No, it’s my sofa” and then proceeds to squash you all?
Do you all just meekly move?
Do you or the DC ever protest?

Do you, in a moment when the DC aren’t there, ever say “Husband, when you lie all over us on the sofa it’s pretty disrespectful and selfish - the kids and I were there first. Please don’t do it again.”? If you did, what would he say? If you don’t ever challenge it, why don’t you?

In a “normal” relationship, 3 members of the family are sitting on the ‘best’ sofa - the one with the best position to the TV etc - and family member no. 4 comes in. They sit/lie on the other sofa. Or they attempt to sit in ‘their’ spot by lying all over everyone and everyone else says “There’s no room/you’re squashing us/get off/sit on the other sofa.”

They don’t all 3 just change to the other sofa. That’s not normal.

Him coming and going as he pleases isn't normal and is utterly disrespectful!!!

If DH was asked to go out/play Footie he would say "should be fine I'll just check and get back to you" he would check I didn't have plans, was around to look after the plans AND that I was happy he was off out again/away for the weekend etc.

I would do the same if I was the one invited out.

Bloody hell. I mean, we all have our preferred spots, but if for whatever reason someone else is sitting there, we just deal. And wanting an entire sofa to yourself is completely unreasonable.

You're teaching your children that this is acceptable behaviour. They're likely to end up in relationships where they will either do this to another person, or end up having their partner do the same to them. Is that what you want?