Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

[Gathertherainbows]

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

I do think it’s typical that most of the stuff with children falls on the woman.

Only if you allow that to be the dynamic in your relationship.

Many men are a bit like this, yes - a bit self-centred, a bit lazy & happy for their partners to take the grunt work of kids and domestic stuff.

But you stand up and challenge it. And they either see they’re being a bit crap and change for the better, if they’re fundamentally decent, or they make you think you’re the one in the wrong. So then you need to leave.

@Gathertherainbows

Yes, he lies horizontally on the sofa rather than sitting up. The three of us fit on the other one though.

You write this as if it's ok because you all sit on the other one. Read back your replies on here and think about how you sound. By your replies I'm beginning to wonder if you are winding us up.

I must admit I wondered the same @Arrowheart

@Inertia

The thing that makes this deliberately shitty is that you must have gone out through that door, so he has deliberately put his key in after you’ve gone.

Yes, he’s doing it on purpose .

Yes, he’s doing it to grind you down and show you how unimportant you are.

The thing I would be unable to get past is what he’s doing to his own child. Leaving small children to wet themselves is appalling cruelty.

Yes, take a back door key, but be prepared to have him to the same thing again, but on both doors. I would tell him that you will call a locksmith each and every time he locks you out, and you will b3 telling the locksmith every time that your husband is in. Make sure you carry proof of address with you. He won’t feel such a Charlie Big Potatoes when other people can see what a bastard he’s being to a four year old child.

👏👏👏

Thirded.

If you’re not too concerned about this, what do you hope to get out of this thread?

Any of these ring true?

The sign of an alpha male dog is one that would never let another family pack member sit on them, so don’t let yours think they're top dog.

Women and children Dogs that respect their husbands/fathers owners will move out of the way to let you sit down. There’s nothing wrong with a snuggle, but the moment you aim for a seat, your wife and child dog should be moving out of the way to let the pack leader claim his preferred position.

You know your wife and child dog respect you as the pack leader if they want you to take the lead and for them to follow along blindly.

A further sign your wife and child dog see you as the alpha is how they react around doors. You can tell they respect you if they let you go first.

Pack leaders get to stay in bed and wake up when they want. They do not get woken up by their inferiors.

Just because your wife and child dog is bored, they should not be waking you up and should instead wait until you are ready to start the day.

A pack leader always goes first as the brave protector and head of the group.

As the pack leader, your charges should be patient and wait.

This is basic level chain of command behavior.

A woman dog that respects you will be submissive around you.

If you have a woman dog that looks you in the eye and refuses to blink first or look away, you could have a problem. It’s a sign that your wife dog believes she is the dominant one

Ownership of territory is very important. A wife and child dog who understands that you, as the pack leader, own the space in which he lives will respect your asserted authority.

Because your life is screaming it to me.

My dad used to do the sofa thing (just one thing in a long line of abuse in our childhood) I vowed I would never do it to my kids and I never have. It’s horrible behaviour. Me and my siblings all have a terrible relationship with our father due to the sorts of things you are describing.

I’m so sorry OP. 💐
You need to look at the freedom project and read a copy of “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft.

You’ve been abused so cruelly for so long that you think this is normal. You say you asked people in RL and they told you it was fine, but somehow you ended up here asking again... some bit of you knows. You know this is a long long way from fine.

He seems to enjoy demeaning you. He enjoys cruelty both to you and his own children. He seems to hate you, his children are worth nothing in his estimation.

How can you tolerate such sadistic cruelty? That’s what it is. Just wrapped in a “forgetful” package. How can you allow your children to be treated like dirt?

I remember my mum forgetting to collect me all of the time when I was your DD’s age. Do you not wonder if one day she will be telling a therapist that mummy made her wee in the garden because daddy wouldn’t open the door?

You need to find your fight and your anger for your children if not for yourself x

Do you think your H actually likes you and your Dc? He doesn’t seem to act as if he does.

Joining in the voices that your husband is not normal and the way he is treating you is cruel and absolutely unacceptable.

The message your children are getting from you letting him all treat you like this will likely leave them with psychological scars, I really hope you can find some anger and courage to leave him. Your sons will otherwise act like this to their future partners and your daughters will expect to be treated like crap and will seek out men who do this

You have the opportunity to break the cycle. Do it for all your sakes. He doesn't deserve you, he sounds like an absolute scumbag.

He’s an entitled prick! My dh doesn’t behave anything like that!

Trouble is the OP has been told by everyone on this thread to find her fight or flight and all she does is continue to post her 'it's not as bad as all that' replies. EVERY SINGLE REPLY has told her this. I don't know what she wants out of this thread but she is behaving as if all we are all wasting our time and worry. What more can we do if all she does is reply how she does as it is infuriating beyond belief that nothing that has been said is sinking in.

@Arrowheart

Trouble is the OP has been told by everyone on this thread to find her fight or flight and all she does is continue to post her 'it's not as bad as all that' replies. EVERY SINGLE REPLY has told her this. I don't know what she wants out of this thread but she is behaving as if all we are all wasting our time and worry. What more can we do if all she does is reply how she does as it is infuriating beyond belief that nothing that has been said is sinking in.

Change takes time. If it’s frustrating you, step away. No one owes us action or behaviour change because we chose to invest time in a thread.

Sometimes you need to hear it over and over for it to sink in.

If I accidentally locked out my DP and child and couldn't get away from a call to open the door I i) would be absolutely mortified and profusely apologetic and ii) would make sure it never happens again. A post it note on the door and one my laptop saying 'keys!' just to be sure I don't forget. It's not that hard. He clearly doesn't give a shit OP.

“He has a freedom I don’t have though, because he knows I will be there to look after the children. He comes and goes as he pleases.
I do think it’s typical that most of the stuff with children falls on the woman.”

As a PP said, it’s only typical when the father is self-important and neglectful. It’s not how a good father behaves.

Your DCs are learning incredibly unhealthy things about relationship dynamics from your H and also you: you are tolerating his behaviour because it seems easier to accept it than kick up a fuss. In the short-term it is easier but in the long-term it’s very destructive and you will regret allowing your DCs to learn the lessons they’re being taught here ie that fathers (men) are more important than anyone else and that women should capitulate to men.

I am stepping away as the OP replies suggest this is a wind up.

@Arrowheart

I am stepping away as the OP replies suggest this is a wind up.

Agreed.

I wonder how you ended up married to him, @Gathertherainbows?

@Gathertherainbows so he gets an entire sofa to one person and you get 3 of you in the other one? And if he is last in, he doesn't take the vacant settee? And he doesn't have any time on a sofa with even one of his DC for a cuddle? You are the one to cuddle both DC?

It doesn't sound at all equal- does it?

No it’s not equal, he will say we are, sometimes he will say I’m in charge - but it just isn’t true. I don’t want in charge anyway.
If he’s here and the children are squabbling or one is crying I will be dealing with it and he will appear and be all ‘what’s going on’ and then generally make the situation worse. He does a lot of very transactional language, do this and I will do x.

@Gathertherainbows

He’s not as extreme as a lot of this. He wouldn’t eat the kids’ eggs or anything. He has a freedom I don’t have though, because he knows I will be there to look after the children. He comes and goes as he pleases. I do think it’s typical that most of the stuff with children falls on the woman.

OP, does your H have any redeeming features? Would you, for instance, be able to list the top 3 things you like or love about him?

OP taking aside a discussion of whether and how abusive this might be on his part

Are you happy - what does he bring to your life, what do you get out of this relationship. Why do you stay in a situation that AT BEST has your needs far lower than his. And why do you put your children through it as well

“He has a freedom I don’t have though, because he knows I will be there to look after the children. He comes and goes as he pleases.
I do think it’s typical that most of the stuff with children falls on the woman.”

Why does he have freedom and you don’t? Why can you not rely on him to care for the children whilst you do something? And most of the children stuff doesn’t have to fall on the woman. I’m going to work tomorrow, my husband will be looking after our three girls for most of the day. He does so regularly, takes them on days out. He’s currently drying our middle one’s hair.

I feel like my life is a different world from some people. My husband would never sort dd’s hair. I do all the getting ready of the dc. He just sorts himself out if we are going out.
I really thought this was the norm, it seems to be for a lot of my friends.