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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 06/04/2021 10:35

He puts his legs across you! Wow that is very passive aggressive (not sure passive applies here actually).

In our family we have preferences of where we like to sit and 3 sofas. The one I like has the best view of the TV but DH isn't so keen on it as it's softer and gives him backache. But if he wants to sit there with me, or the kids do, of course I let them! Your DH sounds horrible.

I think not briefly interrupting his work call to let you in ... 3 times! ... is appalling. It would only take seconds and no one in the meeting would blame him for it.

Yes it may be the norm for a lot of men to default a lot of the parenting to their wife, especially if the wife stays at home, but that doesn't make it ok, especially at the weekend.

Most couples I know both work and a lot of the men play a significant part in caring for their children. I used to take my child to swimming lessons on a Sunday morning (actually DH and I took it in turns) and the leisure pool was full of men with their kids - barely any women in fact. This was years ago as my kids are older now.

I'm sorry that you aren't able to assert yourself with your husband - it sounds quite miserable for you.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/04/2021 10:37

So why don't you speak up? Say 'Oy! I was here first', or 'MY sofa actually!', or 'you're welcome to sit beside me but I do not want your legs on me. There's a whole spare sofa over there'. The sort of everyday assertiveness that can be good-natured, or irritable, depending on the tone of the behaviour and feelings involved.

The question is, why do you not speak up? What do you think would happen if you did? Why does it not even occur to you that you could?

You've probably already said something about what your upbringing was like. Did your mum subjugate herself to your dad? Was he scary, or just self-important? Did they teach you that women are servants to men? If so, bet your mum didn't work outside the home and own the house and furniture.

The thing is, choosing not to stand up for yourself and to live a life of meek subjugation is one thing. Failing to stand up for your children, when another adult is deliberately humiliating and subjugating them, is quite another.

A lot of shy, quiet adults discover their inner sense of justice and assertiveness once they have children. They recognise that they have a responsibility to this other, dependent, person and that their own feelings and preferences about speaking out don't matter. It's quite normal.

Onelifeonly · 06/04/2021 10:37

PS my DH didn't volunteer for swimming duties! I told him it was only fair we each got a lie in on a Sunday once a fortnight. This is just an example - he has been very involved and partly because I made sure he was.

Quartz2208 · 06/04/2021 10:38

But that is physical though isnt it - he simply sits across you trapping you in because you are in the space he wants to be

BertramLacey · 06/04/2021 10:49

He puts his legs across you! Wow that is very passive aggressive (not sure passive applies here actually).

It just sounds aggressive to me. 'You are beneath me, literally and figuratively'. If a dog did it some trainers would say it's dominance. I think in that case they'd be wrong, but in this case it's bang on.

Okbussitout · 06/04/2021 10:52

He sounds like a bully op. I know awful men like this are really common but it doesn't mean it's normal.

RandomMess · 06/04/2021 11:12

Why would you want to live with a man that treats you and the DC like that?

It isn't loving, kind or considerate. There isn't a partnership or family?

Scratchyback · 06/04/2021 11:36

Sounds really quite bullying - making you sit with his legs across you until you move and he gets his own way. You need to gently reset the balance here op. Or not so gently. Start by sitting in ‘his’ seat sometimes, practise saying ‘no, I’m sitting here - this is not your seat’ in a firm, assertive way. Look him in the eye. Stick to it.

He’s doing the ‘I’ve got a big important job’ routine, while your child goes to the toilet in the garden. It’s stamping his authority on you all. Its so not on.

Time to kick back a bit. It’s so hard to be pushed down by a forceful, stronger personality. It breaks your spirit. You’ll become so resentful and fall out of love with him, if you haven’t already.

Find your inner anger and redress the balance today.

pinkyredrose · 06/04/2021 12:00

Are you seriously considering staying with this tosser? How can you bear to open your legs for him?

Bythemillpond · 06/04/2021 12:11

It’s the sofa with the best view of the tv 🙄.
My sofa. My tv. My house. I own everything in it

Come divorce you will find you own 1/2 of everything (including his pension) and he gets to pay you for looking after your children and you won’t get locked out again or have to use your garden as a toilet.

bunny85 · 06/04/2021 12:12

I don't think it's typical of all men that children related stuff falls in women, not at all. My husband is very involved with the kids, he does sometimes more than me when he's not at work. Nappies, bath and bedtime, he does all the night wakings as well, makes them ready and takes the older one to school, and I'll be honest I don't actually say thank you or anything like that, simply because I mean aren't they his children too? What he's doing is just being a dad, that's all. This is what was expected when he decided to become a dad.

Generally the way your husband behaves in my view is abusive. You need to absolutely stop tolerating this.

Kissingspines · 06/04/2021 12:20

To him you’re the servant and he is the master.

I can’t see what he is bringing to you and your children’s lives.

pickingdaisies · 06/04/2021 13:04

It's so sad that because some of your friends DHs get out of some of the childcare, you accept ALL your DHs bullying, dominating behaviour. It's not the same. When my DC were small, I was the SAHM. So took on most of the parenting. When I went back to work, my DH stepped up, getting them up and dressed, sorting breakfast, taking them to breakfast club. In spite of his big important job. The TA would sometimes redo my dd's ponytail out of pity, but he did his best. He does have a tendency to leave home stuff to me, but not because he thinks it's beneath him, and he tries harder when I remind him. He knows we are a team, not a hierarchy. He doesn't sit on me.
I guarantee none of your friends would put up with being sat on or locked out, even if they do end up doing their kids' hair.

unforgotten23 · 06/04/2021 13:16

My Dad was like this.
I thought my whole childhood that my DM was in an abusive relationship and I hope she would leave him (with us) but she didn't.
He continued to be horrible to her her whole life right up to the moment she died.
I am NC with him now.
I unfortunately chose to marry a man similar to my Dad (I know!) but luckily I didn't have children with him and I divorced him too.
I can't tell you how much happier I am now not having those corrosive influences in my life.
Do your kids a favour and leave him.

Bythemillpond · 06/04/2021 13:24

I really thought this was the norm, it seems to be for a lot of my friends

If all your friends dh’s act like this then usually you will find that one of your friends will start divorce proceedings and once they are set up in their new life another then another will follow down the same route.

You might all be married now but it only takes one of you to start the ball rolling.

MrsBobDylan · 06/04/2021 13:31

I think your problem is two-fold.

  1. You clearly have been brought up by parents who modelled a relationship where the woman did all the work and was subservient to 'the man'. You think your relationship is normal and it's not.
  1. Your dh is a selfish arse wipe who will destroy any chance to you being able to enjoy your life if you stay with him.
EveWasReframed · 06/04/2021 13:56

He thought he was better than me

This is often the nub of the matter, revealed after DC.

3beesinmybonnet · 06/04/2021 17:26

@Gathertherainbows

Sorry if Im being a bit thick but when you say "My house my TV my sofa " etc are you saying you own the house and everything in it, or is that what he says to you?

Gathertherainbows · 06/04/2021 17:30

He says it to us.

OP posts:
Dancingsmile · 06/04/2021 17:57

Gather please read up on narcissistic husbands. I think there may be some traites that he's showing.
This is not a healthy relationship. It's toxic.
How sad he cares so little for you and his children. Sees you as second class. Not a nice little unit but he is important and you're all a very sad second .

CandyLeBonBon · 06/04/2021 18:10

@Gathertherainbows

I’m not scared he will hit me, I just know he will lie down across me and it’s not very comfortable to basically then be trapped under his legs, so I move. It’s the sofa with the best view of the tv 🙄. My sofa. My tv. My house. I own everything in it.
Do you tell him to piss if at all @Gathertherainbows ?

And he doesn't have to hit you to be sbusive. But you know that.

As I mentioned upthread, good 'king of the castle' in the Freedom Program. It should ring some bells.

GeorgeTheFirst · 06/04/2021 18:11

It's about control isn't it. He is repeatedly showing you that he is in control and you are not. I don't know why but I wouldn't live with it. I know you get loads of people on here say that, without ever having been single. But I have been divorced for 8 years and it is very very peaceful 😂

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/04/2021 18:47

He says it to us.

You can't live a healthy life or raise a healthy family with someone that selfish. He only "owns" these things by your courtesy. If you are married then you own them too. And if you split up then you will own a lot of them.

I hope writing down what he says and does is helping to get things clear in your head. Do you have any thoughts that you could leave? Or that you would like to leave?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 06/04/2021 18:51

What has stood out to me is that you are an intelligent woman who works full time and you stand for this shit. He humiliates you and your children and you allow him. Get rid of the bully, find a job that suits your intelligence and degree and I guarantee you'll be happy. I just don't know how you can carry on living like this. You'll receive loads of support and advice on here

NoSquirrels · 06/04/2021 19:01

So why don't you speak up? Say 'Oy! I was here first', or 'MY sofa actually!', or 'you're welcome to sit beside me but I do not want your legs on me. There's a whole spare sofa over there'. The sort of everyday assertiveness that can be good-natured, or irritable, depending on the tone of the behaviour and feelings involved.

This is what would happen in a normal relationship.
You would - good-naturedly or irritably - assert your own right to sit on the sofa where you were first.

It would probably begin good-naturedly (Oi, I'm sitting here! Move your legs!) and progress to irritable if the person was refusing to listen. Culminating in a row, if need be.

Because it's selfish, entitled power-play behaviour that has no place in a happy relationship or co-habiting situation.

The question is, why do you not speak up? What do you think would happen if you did? Why does it not even occur to you that you could?

You haven't answered if you've ever challenged this, or if you have always accepted it.

Now that you are getting used to the idea that it is not normal, what now?

Will you try challenging it? Or is it better to find some external help (counselling, perhaps) to work through what's going on with your boundaries and behaviours? Just counselling for you, though, and keep it private. You need to explore with someone's help what to do next. Don't tell your husband.