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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this symbolic of our entire relationship? Am I overreacting?

881 replies

Gathertherainbows · 02/04/2021 11:33

I’m prepared to be told I’m overreacting
Several times in the last couple of weeks DH has left his key in the other side of the door so that when I get back with the dc we cannot get in.
He’s usually then busy on a work call (wfh) and although he knows we are there we have waited up to an hour for him to come and take his key out of the door so we can get in.
It’s usually been about half an hour but last week it was an hour and dd had to go to the toilet in the garden. We can get in the garden via the gate but still not into the house. She cried a lot because she just wanted to get in the house. In the end I took them down to the shop and came back but still couldn’t get in.
Maybe I just don’t understand how important business is but I don’t see why he couldn’t just say he had to go and open the door - he could even have blamed me and said he didn’t have his key.
I do feel it’s a bit symbolic of how we are, no way would I leave him outside with the dc - having been out since 7.30am themselves - for an hour just waiting around.

OP posts:
TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 17:53

@Gathertherainbows

I feel like my life is a different world from some people. My husband would never sort dd’s hair. I do all the getting ready of the dc. He just sorts himself out if we are going out. I really thought this was the norm, it seems to be for a lot of my friends.
No, it's not the norm. A lot of your friends are probably keeping schtum but have the measure of your husband.
RiaOverTheRainbow · 05/04/2021 17:54

Are you happy like this OP? You aren't expressing a lot of emotion about the way your H treats you and your DC, but something made you post the thread. If you want to change things there are many wise women here who can help.

CatalinaCasesolver · 05/04/2021 17:54

@Gathertherainbows

I feel like my life is a different world from some people. My husband would never sort dd’s hair. I do all the getting ready of the dc. He just sorts himself out if we are going out. I really thought this was the norm, it seems to be for a lot of my friends.
No, it's not normal
Sunnyjac · 05/04/2021 18:07

Middle DD and husband have just been cooking tea whilst I sorted the other two out. Teamwork, it’s how a marriage should be. I hope you reach a conclusion that you’re happy with OP.

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2021 18:13

I think you need to divide up the things that can be more normal (men having more freedom certainly does) and the bits that arent.

The not opening the door is very much not normal at all. I think you see things in your friends relationships that are in yours and that allows you to normalise it and ignore the abusive and controlling elements

SelkieBoru · 05/04/2021 18:18

He must have a very low self-esteem that he cannot say to his colleagues, excuse me for twenty seconds. He is ridiculous.

Isthisit22 · 05/04/2021 18:22

You don't seem to answer people regarding the effect this will have on your children OP?
Why are you allowing them to be treated this way?
It is not normal or healthy.

stormsurfer · 05/04/2021 18:31

It really seems like there is a lack of balance. It is wearing you down @Gathertherainbows .

My final straw came when in yet another argument where I was trying to get my ExH to be involved with our DC. He said to me "the trouble with you is that you will never just accept the inequality between us".

And that was the lightbulb!

He thought that I had the problem! He thought we were not equal and thought that was ok and that I should accept that. And that I realised was the core of it all. He thought he was better than me and I should too!

So no, I never would accept that and why should I?

Your "D"H sounds like he has a similar attitude.

Dery · 05/04/2021 18:37

“I think you need to divide up the things that can be more normal (men having more freedom certainly does) and the bits that arent.

The not opening the door is very much not normal at all. I think you see things in your friends relationships that are in yours and that allows you to normalise it and ignore the abusive and controlling elements”

This. There is no doubt an overlap between some of the gaps in your DH’s parenting skills and the gaps in the parenting skills of some of your friends’ husbands. When our DD were young, it probably tended to be me who did their hair. But my DH would be just as likely to dress them for an outing, just as likely to change their nappies, just as likely to feed them. And even more hands-off dads would probably share a settee with their children. And only a bastard leaves their family locked out of the house.

He’s trained you to do everything on his terms. He thinks he’s the big I Am. You’re waking up to the reality of how wrong this all is.

I’ve said it before and will repeat - I think your friends and family roll their eyes because they think this is just another example of him being a knob but they don’t want to bad mouth him to you. Or they’ve all got shockingly low standards re how a man should treat his wife and children.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 05/04/2021 18:39

This is hard to read OP because you seem to be making excuses for him.

It really doesn't matter about any of the other things. You daughter wee'd in the garden like a pet because your husband wouldn't let you into the house. Why is that okay? Why are you excusing that? She was distressed to crying. Read that back. What are you doing to protect her? She is a child and she needs your protection. To remain passive in her bad treatment is awful and is on you.

(The rest mostly isn't okay either but that alone ^ would make me go mad at him and or leave)

devildeepbluesea · 05/04/2021 18:45

Good God, some of the things I read on here. Makes me realise:

  1. I'm lucky to be single
  2. If I wanted to change (1) I'm not sure I could be bothered sorting the decent guys from the swathes of arsehole men there appears to be.
  3. So many women seem to be content to be seen as inferior to their husbands - I accept that this is likely a result of years of abuse.

Because OP, it's not really relevant whether you think it's abuse or not. It is. You're married to an abusive arsehole. Read the PP from posters in education upthread. You need to consider what harm you are doing to your children by modelling this type of relationship to them. Is this what you want for your DD?

Sunnyjac · 05/04/2021 18:48

“There is no doubt an overlap between some of the gaps in your DH’s parenting skills and the gaps in the parenting skills of some of your friends’ husbands. When our DD were young, it probably tended to be me who did their hair. But my DH would be just as likely to dress them for an outing, just as likely to change their nappies, just as likely to feed them. And even more hands-off dads would probably share a settee with their children. And only a bastard leaves their family locked out of the house.”

This

NoSquirrels · 05/04/2021 20:33

There is no doubt an overlap between some of the gaps in your DH’s parenting skills and the gaps in the parenting skills of some of your friends’ husbands. When our DD were young, it probably tended to be me who did their hair. But my DH would be just as likely to dress them for an outing, just as likely to change their nappies, just as likely to feed them. And even more hands-off dads would probably share a settee with their children. And only a bastard leaves their family locked out of the house.

Yes.

NoSquirrels · 05/04/2021 20:34

Do you love him, rainbows?

Do you think it would be easier to live without him than with him?

merrygoround88 · 05/04/2021 20:56

@Gathertherainbows My DH isn’t great at getting our DC ready to go somewhere. However, he would never in a million years treat me or them they way your DH is treating you

Unreasonabubble · 05/04/2021 20:59

My goodness, the contempt he has for you Sad.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/04/2021 21:02

I do think you would find it easier to look after your children without him. After all, you already do eveything for them and organise everything for them, and your husband just interferes and upsets them. Perhaps you just need to find you self-confidence first.

Some of the things you describe are normal for some kinds of marriage - it's not that unusual to have a division of labour where Mum does all the looking after and organising the children and some women are OK with it, although like many other women, I would not have chosen a husband who wanted that kind of marriage. But as pp have said, your husband's behaviour goes a long way beyond normal variations.

jamaisjedors · 05/04/2021 21:18

@Gathertherainbows having been in a similar relationship, I have found it a million times easier to manage my dc since i left exh.

I have realised now how much energy it took trying to anticipate his needs and demands, nowadays the dc and i can just chill, have sandwiches for tea if we want, sit or whatever seat we want (yes exh had "his" chair too).

Btw, people asking if the OP loves her husband - what is the point of that question?

I loved my ex. It broke my heart to leave him.

He treated me with contempt, but he was also my life partner, the father of my children and we also shared some amazing times.

In the end though, i learnt to love myself more than him, enough to realise he was destroying me and i had to get out.

Horehound · 05/04/2021 21:24

but I do feel it speaks volumes about how important he thinks his time is vs mine

You keep saying things like this. Ok it speaks volumes about how he thinks. So what? What does that mean TO YOU? What are you going to do about it? Accept it?

SantiagoSky · 05/04/2021 21:46

It sounds like you better remove your children and yourself from this situation. Life will be better!

Dancingsmile · 06/04/2021 05:42

What your husband is doing isn't normal family life.
Yes often more is done by the mother but only a bit.
Dad's will help sort out the kids whatever time of day it is.
Take it in turns to do bath's, cook, tidy up. If ones upset they will be with them and sort it out.
Rejoice and be an active part in activities and play. Get on their knees do rough and tumble, jigsaws , dens etc.
Dad's will talk to their partners , care about their feelings and worry about them. Want to share their family moments together.
Saying and acting like they are more important is possibly narsarisitic . Might be worth reading up on it.

BertramLacey · 06/04/2021 09:00

If any of us sit on his settee and he comes in he says ‘let me have my chair’ and we have to move.
I’m not scared of him in these instances but I am fed up and a bit worn down I suppose. I no longer expect anything different.

If you're not scared, what is your motivation for moving? Because you love him and want him to be happy? Because you know that if you don't move he'll just sit on you? I think you need to examine what he's trained you to do and how he's doing it. You may not be afraid of being hit, so long as you move. I expect deep down you know if you really insisted and really pushed to be allowed quite basic things, he'd be quite capable of being very intimidating. He may well have got you to the staged where he doesn't need to hit you or threaten to hit you, but it's just there.

My father hit me as a child. It just got to the stage where he didn't need to do it, I just knew ultimately he could and would at a certain point.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/04/2021 09:57

You may not be afraid of being hit, so long as you move. I expect deep down you know if you really insisted and really pushed to be allowed quite basic things, he'd be quite capable of being very intimidating.

Or maybe not physically intimidating, but instead he could humiliate her or the children (more than he is already humiliating them) He might find it easy to say very hurtful things to her or to them, and to make them feel they deserve it.

Original poster
Gathertherainbows · 06/04/2021 10:14

I’m not scared he will hit me, I just know he will lie down across me and it’s not very comfortable to basically then be trapped under his legs, so I move.
It’s the sofa with the best view of the tv 🙄.
My sofa. My tv. My house. I own everything in it.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/04/2021 10:34

I just know he will lie down across me and it’s not very comfortable to basically then be trapped under his legs, so I move.

And he will not move if you tell him to get off?

My sofa. My tv. My house. I own everything in it.

He seems to "own" all the people in the house too. It's damaging to you and to the children to be treated like that.

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