Page 8 | What is normal re contact with work colleagues outside of work?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 03/04/2021 13:36

It's not work day, it's a weekend, early morning.
Ping.
I have friends that do this both male and female.
On occasion she pulls me up about these messages, I listen and put my phone away. Sometimes my partners boss messages at 930pm either about a work project or chatter. Sometimes I think the boss should get a life and do something with her husband or get a hobby.

We don't know whether this female friend has ulterior motives, however the op isn't happy, he's obligated to listen to his wife and take her feelings into consideration. I'm not a big fan of work and friends taking priority over partners and children.
Personally I feel he may be flattered by this attention.

tinierclanger · 03/04/2021 13:53

“ I feel angry with her because I think it’s just so inappropriate and disrespectful on her part. She knows he’s at home with us and it’s intrusive. As if she keeps popping up to say remember me?! I feel like she thinks she’s being clever and subtle”

I’m sorry, but I just don’t get this at all. Messages can be ignored, so they’re not intrusive if your partner doesn’t respond to them. I sometimes get a flurry of messages and chat in the evening but I just ignore it all if I’m sitting and watching TV or something with my husband. I’ll save it all for when I’ve got some time on my own. Likewise I DO sometimes message at 7am if I’m reading something I want to forward on, and my friend sometimes messages me at midnight or 1am because he keeps late hours. There’s nothing sinister about it.

It’s ok for you to object to intrude to the intrusion of your partner responding when he’s with you, but you don’t have to extrapolate beyond that about his friend’s motives.

Original poster

Chutneypearls · 03/04/2021 14:58

Ok, so yep some of my ranting about her was done in anger and a little unfair. I don’t know her or what she’s thinking. I was venting because I was and am annoyed. Guess I am human. When we are angry we aren’t always rational. If she is like many people here she won’t realise that messaging at 8am or whatever to me is odd. Or even that it stands out so much because we don’t normally message people like that. I understand that.

Dh is barely speaking to me today. We haven’t really discussed it. I’m not even sure what there is to say. I just need him to know I feel uncomfortable with it. I’m not asking him to “do” anything as such. I am just saying I don’t think the level of contact is appropriate and he can do with that what he will. If it continues he will have to cope with me continuing to be unhappy about it I guess. He’s a grown up and I can’t stop him doing what he likes but I do feel this is my hill to die on as it were and there are things I don’t like. As I’ve got older I don’t feel like I have to compromise in the way I did when I was younger. I have one life and I want to feel comfortable in my life, not paranoid. Of course the other side of this is he may say I am making him uncomfortable and that’s reasonable and then we will have to see where we are. He has deleted the app and said he will unfriend her on various social medias but I’ve said he doesn’t need to do that as I don’t want to make him some sort of social outcast at work. I just don’t want them messaging non stop! He’s not messaging anyone else from work like this and that makes me feel weird about it.

Feel like I’ve created a massive black hole and I’m still digging but I am kind of at the point where fuck it hand me a shovel and I’ll dig to Australia. Life is too short to sit feeling uneasy about stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chutneypearls · 03/04/2021 15:03

I want to be really clear that I have no issue whatsoever with dh wanting more of a social life if this is what he wants - although he’s always said to me he can’t be bothered with friends / people etc and has made zero effort to join any groups or seek out new people. Except to form a close friendship with this woman at work which is why I’m a bit

OP posts:

tinierclanger · 03/04/2021 15:32

Hmm. I think telling him the level of contact is “inappropriate” may not be all that helpful. Who is to say what is and isn’t appropriate? What matters is how you feel. To say to him “when x messages you at 8am and you respond I feel ... excluded/intruded upon” might be more helpful, so he understands how you feel and you can talk about what is and isn’t ok within your own relationship boundaries, IYSWIM?

Original poster

Chutneypearls · 03/04/2021 15:34

@tinierclanger

Hmm. I think telling him the level of contact is “inappropriate” may not be all that helpful. Who is to say what is and isn’t appropriate? What matters is how you feel. To say to him “when x messages you at 8am and you respond I feel ... excluded/intruded upon” might be more helpful, so he understands how you feel and you can talk about what is and isn’t ok within your own relationship boundaries, IYSWIM?

Yes maybe you’re right. My language is a bit off.

I guess it just feels inappropriate to me.

OP posts:

Steptoeshorse1965 · 03/04/2021 15:42

@Chutneypearls

This is really grating on me but I don’t know if my past is getting the better of me and I need some perspective. I am in my second marriage, been together 12 years or so now, 2 dc. I am older than dh by about 8 years. My ex dh cheated on me with an ex he’d reconnected with on Facebook and left me for her.

I literally have no idea what’s normal re boundaries with members of the opposite sex at work and what’s normal and acceptable re messaging anymore.

Dh and I have a great, normal, happy marriage. Nothing really to report. We’re very close, he doesn’t have any friends or social life outside of work and neither do I and that’s how it’s always been and we’ve always been happy with this (both of us quite introverted). He works close to home, spends all time at home, never works late or goes out apart from literally time he’s at work. Shares parenting equally etc etc.

He works in an office with mostly women. One of these women - someone in his team, not senior to him, or vice versa, same level- has become his friend and now they message each other a lot. He doesn’t hide his phone, I know all the passwords etc, he’s not sneaking out or doing anything dodgy, it’s just a lot of random shit chatty messages. And I don’t like it. But I don’t really feel I can say anything because it’s not a secret as such, and he mentions her and others at work, and it’s all just friendly... is this ok? Is this what others do with people they work with?

I’m trying to be okay about it but I don’t like the fact for example I’ve gone to move his phone this morning (usually make him a tea and put it next to his tea for him) and it’s flashed up with a message from her. I think if you’re messaging someone that early on a weekend it’s a bit weird - she’s mid 20s with a young child in a long term relationship herself. The message itself seems to be a sort of laugh at a meme type thing.

Anyway. Tell me what kind of contact you have with people you work with. If they’re men and you’re a woman do you message them outside of work about stuff? Do you think it’s okay for people to do that?

I haven’t said anything as I don’t want to be a controlling nag. But I’m sitting here feeling really weird about it.

Depends where you are, what you do, what your colleagues are like as people, and if you actually want a relationship with them outside of your workplace. Personally I never have, for so many reasons, one being I like to keep work at work, and vice versa. I don't message anyone outside of work, nor they me, I would not welcome it either. They are not my friends, nor me theirs. It's circumstance which puts us in one place at the same time. Some are ok, most dire, but there it is. It is entirely dependent on the relationship YOU have with those at your work.

gannett · 03/04/2021 15:42

@Chutneypearls

Ok, so yep some of my ranting about her was done in anger and a little unfair. I don’t know her or what she’s thinking. I was venting because I was and am annoyed. Guess I am human. When we are angry we aren’t always rational. If she is like many people here she won’t realise that messaging at 8am or whatever to me is odd. Or even that it stands out so much because we don’t normally message people like that. I understand that.

Dh is barely speaking to me today. We haven’t really discussed it. I’m not even sure what there is to say. I just need him to know I feel uncomfortable with it. I’m not asking him to “do” anything as such. I am just saying I don’t think the level of contact is appropriate and he can do with that what he will. If it continues he will have to cope with me continuing to be unhappy about it I guess. He’s a grown up and I can’t stop him doing what he likes but I do feel this is my hill to die on as it were and there are things I don’t like. As I’ve got older I don’t feel like I have to compromise in the way I did when I was younger. I have one life and I want to feel comfortable in my life, not paranoid. Of course the other side of this is he may say I am making him uncomfortable and that’s reasonable and then we will have to see where we are. He has deleted the app and said he will unfriend her on various social medias but I’ve said he doesn’t need to do that as I don’t want to make him some sort of social outcast at work. I just don’t want them messaging non stop! He’s not messaging anyone else from work like this and that makes me feel weird about it.

Feel like I’ve created a massive black hole and I’m still digging but I am kind of at the point where fuck it hand me a shovel and I’ll dig to Australia. Life is too short to sit feeling uneasy about stuff.

Sorry, I'd be annoyed if I were him too, because this is a very passive-aggressive way to go about things.

You've told him you're unhappy but not what you want him to do about it.

You've told him you don't mind him having friends at work, unless they're this specific woman messaging at this specific time.

You haven't set any boundaries, you've given him contradictory messages and made it clear he's to blame if he transgresses them and makes you unhappy. You're forcing him to read your mind to an extent.

Is he meant to pull back from the person at work he's clicked with the most just because she's in her 20s, while maintaining friendships with those you think are sufficiently old or ugly? Is he meant to tell her she can't message him at frankly random times you've deemed inappropriate?

Imagine if a man was doing this to a woman...

OP you're insistent that your unhappiness is legitimate and should be catered to. I'll tell you now: your unhappiness is entirely unreasonable and the way you've gone about conveying it to your husband is weird and controlling.

shashaa · 03/04/2021 15:45

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sunflowersandbuttercups · 03/04/2021 15:49

I am just saying I don’t think the level of contact is appropriate and he can do with that what he will.

But he can't, can he. Because you'll either continue to be pissed off with him and resentful of the situation, or he'll be forced to change his behaviour to accommodate you.

Original poster

Chutneypearls · 03/04/2021 15:50

@gannett I appreciate your comments but I really don’t think I’m being weird and controlling. I’ve just told him I’m not happy with this. It would be controlling if I told him I wanted him to block her on everything or never speak to her again outside of work. I haven’t said that at all. I am still prepared to see that I’m being daft in the sense that others wouldn’t have an issue with it but at the same time I think he should tone down the messaging. The way I would deal with it if roles were reversed for example would be that I would delete the main chat app as she’s the only person he speaks to on that and then if she messaged me elsewhere I’d take hours to reply each time and leave her on unread so she got the message she wasn’t so important. But that’s just me. He hasn’t asked what I expect him to do.

OP posts:

happywombles · 03/04/2021 15:56

OP but essentially you do expect him to stop being friends with her. I mean by not responding for hours etc and her getting the message that she is not important......the aim is for them to stop being friends, no?

The problem is that she is his only friend and in that regard is important. Perhaps you need to encourage him to have other friends - is he feeling cut off? I know you said that he didnt in the past but things change.

Original poster

Chutneypearls · 03/04/2021 15:57

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I am just saying I don’t think the level of contact is appropriate and he can do with that what he will.

But he can't, can he. Because you'll either continue to be pissed off with him and resentful of the situation, or he'll be forced to change his behaviour to accommodate you.

True. But then you could say the same about me. Either I put up with it and seethe inwardly with resentment or say something (as I’ve done) and cause massive issues. I can’t win either way.

OP posts:

sunflowersandbuttercups · 03/04/2021 16:03

True. But then you could say the same about me. Either I put up with it and seethe inwardly with resentment or say something (as I’ve done) and cause massive issues. I can’t win either way.

Or you could recognise he's a grown up and capable of choosing and maintaining friendships as he sees fit.

The way I would deal with it if roles were reversed for example would be that I would delete the main chat app as she’s the only person he speaks to on that and then if she messaged me elsewhere I’d take hours to reply each time and leave her on unread so she got the message she wasn’t so important. But that’s just me.

But this heavily implies that you won't be happy unless he basically stops talking to her full-stop. Can you really not see why other people find that controlling?

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/04/2021 16:05

Is he using his work or personal phone to contact her and which app is he using OP?

Original poster

Chutneypearls · 03/04/2021 16:10

@TeachesOfPeaches

Is he using his work or personal phone to contact her and which app is he using OP?

His personal phone. He doesn’t have a work mobile phone.

I can see why you think I’m being controlling @sunflowersandbuttercups but the same could be said about someone challenging any aspect of a relationship where something is bothering them. Does no one ever say anything because it might cause the other person to change their behaviour or consider what they’re doing?

OP posts:

gannett · 03/04/2021 16:12

I honestly find it unfathomable that I'd want my DP to make his friends feel unimportant. I just don't get it at all. Friendships are really valuable to both of us and I want him to nurture his, just like I want to nurture mine.

Original poster

Chutneypearls · 03/04/2021 16:14

@gannett

I honestly find it unfathomable that I'd want my DP to make his friends feel unimportant. I just don't get it at all. Friendships are really valuable to both of us and I want him to nurture his, just like I want to nurture mine.

I feel like you’re deliberately missing the point.

He doesn’t need to nurture this particular friendship.

OP posts:

gannett · 03/04/2021 16:16

Does no one ever say anything because it might cause the other person to change their behaviour or consider what they’re doing?

Of course I do but if I'm unhappy about something it's reasonable to tell DP specifically what, not just dump my feelings on him and expect him to read my mind.

In your situation I actually would have no idea what level of messaging or contact you'd be comfortable with. Your red lines are not clear at all (or particularly rational). He now has to navigate a professional relationship with this woman constantly treading on eggshells for fear that any contact outside work will make you unhappy,

gannett · 03/04/2021 16:17

He doesn’t need to nurture this particular friendship.

Adults get to decide which friendships they want to nurture for themselves.

Gilda152 · 03/04/2021 16:37

OP.

Your feelings are valid. Friendships are important, healthy marriages more so.

If any of my friends messaged me at 8am on a bank holiday I'd either worry something was wrong or wonder what they were playing at - no meme or gossip about another colleague is that urgent that it warrants messaging first thing in the morning, on a day off. Not from a man, woman or anyone inbetween. Regardless of how others are trying to neg you, don't take any notice please. Your boundaries are your business. Your DP's friend is getting really comfy messaging him whenever she fancies, night and day. That might be absolutely fine for some posters, good for them. But it's not for you. So it boils down to who DP wants to please most. You or his friend. But the other thing to point out, you have essentially no power in this. As some of the posters rightly pointed out.

He doesn't have to answer her, he's choosing to. They know as well as we do that your DH is indulging in this friendship too and they don't see any red flags (course they don't) but you do and you know him best.

Maybe find yourself at 30 year old male best friend who can text you at all hours and see how he feels about it. Shouldn't be an issue should it.

Btw texting is the spawn of the devil and people who do it at 8am because it so vitally important and suits their busy schedule should be shot at dawn, honestly.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 03/04/2021 16:39

Does no one ever say anything because it might cause the other person to change their behaviour or consider what they’re doing?

But your language isn't saying that at all. You've said that you want him to ignore her for hours so she "gets the message" about how important she is.

That's a horrible way to expect him to treat a friend just to make you feel better.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 03/04/2021 16:40

He doesn’t need to nurture this particular friendship.

That's not your decision to make.

Amrapaali · 03/04/2021 16:56

People are being so precious about this so-called "friendship". At best it seems to be an acquaintance where one party is messaging indiscriminately (albeit innocently). In this case, it is perfectly acceptable to keep a distance and still be friendly at work. Its not all or nothing, you know...

All this pearl-clutching about why would you shun a "friend"? Why would you make your DH uncomfortable? But OP talks of HER discomfort and is getting it with both barrels. Doesn't seem fair.

OP talk to y0ur DH and see if this is a friendship worth pursuing. Is he just flattered by all the attention? Or is there something he enjoys on a deeper level? Even platonically. Good friendships start with an element of shared something- DC in same class, shared hobby or sense of humour, even just physical proximity.

I am really thick with my team-mate who sits next to me. We yak constantly, sometimes go for lunch together etc etc. Yes he is a man and yes we have each other's phone numbers. But the only time we have messaged each other outside hours is when we planned to meet up at the railway station for the office Xmas dinner. Once in 3 years.

I know I keep proselytizing about boundaries but even without OP feeling uncomfortable, shouldn't the husband see this can become a very icky dynamic? And trust me on this: People. Will. Notice

ILoveAnOwl · 03/04/2021 17:07

I had similar with my husband a while back. I could see that he was sleepwalking into an emotional affair or worse. As someone at the time said to me, if I as his partner was uncomfortable with it he needed to respect that. He didn't. They crossed a line. Our relationship has never recovered from it. I'd suggest you have a properly honest chat with him about how it's making you feel and see if he's prepared to listen.