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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
cherrytreesa · 02/04/2021 01:13

@Iamthewombat

I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied.

And you’re surprised? What did you think would happen? That she’d thank you and you’d become close friends and that together you would wreak revenge on her husband, like in a film?

You did not ‘do the the right thing’, your motive was revenge on this man, but you know that already.

You don’t know these people, you have never met them, you have no business interfering in their lives. If a work colleague flirted with you in the office and suggested that you might go on a date in the future, and you later discovered that he was married, would you contact his wife to tell her? Because that’s analogous to what has happened here.

Oh give over. You are actually advocating for men to be allowed to treat women like shit. It was a bit more than 'flirting', so much so that OP thought it was the beginnings of a relationship - only Covid preventing that relationship from heating up. 'No business interfering in their lives'...welllll maybe the husband shouldn't have brought OP into their lives.
Iamthewombat · 02/04/2021 01:14

If you can delete it, do.

The assumption behind the ‘you did the right thing’ viewpoint appears to be that this man’s wife is too dim to realise that his attention is engaged elsewhere. I bet that she isn’t.

Receiving faux-concerned “thought you should know” messages from a spurned wannabe girlfriend that her husband never actually met and only messaged for a couple of months is hardly going to result in a road to Damascus conversion where she sees the light and, by proxy, delivers a come uppance to cheating husbands everywhere. I think that some posters are personalising this situation, when we know next to nothing about this man or his wife.

ForgedInFire · 02/04/2021 01:14

I would be grateful to know the truth if this was my partner. As far as I'm concerned, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Hole yer head high.

Workinghardeveryday · 02/04/2021 01:14

He should be ashamed not you! Wouldn’t you want to know if your husband was messaging another woman!! You have done her a massive favour. Yes the poor woman will be devastated, but he should have thought of that before he started messaging another woman!!
He’s a dick. You did the right thing as hard for her as it is. Forget about him, sooner or later he would do the same to you. He had is coming, it’s all his doing

GoddessKali · 02/04/2021 01:16

You are absolutely not in the wrong.

You must be so hurt, what a terrible thing for him to do. I’m sorry Flowers

Kintsuji · 02/04/2021 01:17

@Iamthewombat

It’s ‘sort of’ because she never actually met him. That’s rather different to sexual contact, don’t you think?

And yes, it does matter why the OP did it. She is being congratulated for ‘doing the right thing’ and ‘doing nothing wrong’. No. She had a few drinks and decided to get back at the man she discovered, two weeks ago, was married. Her motive was revenge, not championing the rights of cheated upon wives.

No sort of about it. He was on OLD, he is seeking out opportunities to cheat. He didn't accidentally get a bit close with a new friend and regrets it. He is on OLD, he is trying to cheat. The marriage covenant is already broken at that point.
Iamthewombat · 02/04/2021 01:18

Oh give over. You are actually advocating for men to be allowed to treat women like shit

Absolutely not. I’m advocating for the OP to stay out of the lives of people she has never met.

If she cared that much about the wife or preventing men from ‘treating women like shit’, she’d have informed the wife there and then. Instead she stews for a fortnight then, when drunk, messages the wife. Why? She’d have done better to keep it classy and block him. She doesn’t get to decide the punishment for people who have slighted her when it affects innocent people she doesn’t know.

Eliards2012 · 02/04/2021 01:18

I think you have done the right thing, if that was my husband then I would want to know. He is the one who had the responsibility to his wife, and he is the one to blame!

cherrytreesa · 02/04/2021 01:19

Her motive was revenge, not championing the rights of cheated upon wives

So what if it was revenge? He deserved it and the wife deserves to know. How on earth can you defend this slimeball? If my DH was in the same scenario, he wouldn't be getting a pass just because 'he never met her'. He'd be out on his arse.

RiverSkater · 02/04/2021 01:20

You did the right thing. You didn't meet by chance, he was looking for sex outside his marriage. You are likely not the only woman he's been chatting to.

His wife has a right to know whom she is trusting her happiness in life to.
Sleep well with that in mind.

Iamthewombat · 02/04/2021 01:22

No sort of about it. He was on OLD, he is seeking out opportunities to cheat.

He might have been killing time and had no intention of meeting the OP. We don’t know. I’m not interested in him, anyway. It’s the wife who is on the receiving end, and she has had no choice about it. The OP gets drunk and, wanting to get back at this man, messages his wife. That wasn’t a kind act motivated by concern for the wife so let’s not pretend that it was.

Shnuffles · 02/04/2021 01:22

I think that some posters are personalising this situation, when we know next to nothing about this man or his wife.

There's no way to know whether or not his wife is aware that he's OLD, but if she knows, learning about this specific incident may not mean much to her. If on the other hand she doesn't know, this may be the eye-opener she needs to decide the fate of her marriage.

I don't think the OP's motivation even matters that much, in this case. If I were being cheated on, I'd want to know.

MatLeave · 02/04/2021 01:23

You did the right thing. He was conducting an emotional affair with you for some months without you or his wife knowing. You have no need to be ashamed. His wife has a right to know, I think you did her a massive favour by letting her know. Block them both and try to move on.

Shnuffles · 02/04/2021 01:25

It’s the wife who is on the receiving end, and she has had no choice about it. The OP gets drunk and, wanting to get back at this man, messages his wife. That wasn’t a kind act motivated by concern for the wife so let’s not pretend that it was.

The wife had no choice in her husband's poor decisions, either. There's no way to give her a "choice" of whether to know or not. You can't ask her if she'd want to know if her husband's a scumbag. Either you choose to deny her the information or you choose to give the information. Either one is a choice.

And again, I don't even care what OP's motivation was. In the end, I think most women would rather know than continue being cheated on by a lying husband.

Iamthewombat · 02/04/2021 01:28

Again, you are assuming that the wife has no other means of working out that her husband is checking out other women than vengeful people contacting her.

You have no idea whether that is the case. She may already know. In any event, it’s not the OP’s job to interfere in somebody else’s marriage.

Totallyfedup1979 · 02/04/2021 01:32

I’d want to know op. If it were me, I’d think you were doing me a favour.

Anyway, what’s done is done, no point stewing over it. Block and move on.

cherrytreesa · 02/04/2021 01:32

@Iamthewombat

No sort of about it. He was on OLD, he is seeking out opportunities to cheat.

He might have been killing time and had no intention of meeting the OP. We don’t know. I’m not interested in him, anyway. It’s the wife who is on the receiving end, and she has had no choice about it. The OP gets drunk and, wanting to get back at this man, messages his wife. That wasn’t a kind act motivated by concern for the wife so let’s not pretend that it was.

I wouldn't care a jot the reason someone would tell me if I was in this situation. Anger or revenge or to spite him, I honestly wouldn't care what her reasons were, I'd just be glad she told me.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2021 01:34

You'll never get a clear answer as to whether you've done right or wrong here, because some people would definitely prefer to know, and others would prefer to live in blissful ignorance until it's forced on them.

Personally I'd rather know, so I think you've done her a favour.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 02/04/2021 01:34

He might have been killing time and had no intention of meeting the OP. We don’t know

Killing time. Chatting to other women about god knows what. I just... Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ.

cherrytreesa · 02/04/2021 01:34

@Iamthewombat

Again, you are assuming that the wife has no other means of working out that her husband is checking out other women than vengeful people contacting her.

You have no idea whether that is the case. She may already know. In any event, it’s not the OP’s job to interfere in somebody else’s marriage.

I'm assuming you wouldn't want to know if it was you? Would you prefer to bury your head in the sand? I get the impression you've been the wronged wife...
Shnuffles · 02/04/2021 01:35

*Again, you are assuming that the wife has no other means of working out that her husband is checking out other women than vengeful people contacting her.

You have no idea whether that is the case. She may already know. In any event, it’s not the OP’s job to interfere in somebody else’s marriage.*

If the wife already knows, maybe she won't give a shit that he's up to his old tricks again. She'll just sigh, roll her eyes, maybe mutter a bit about OP not minding her own business. Hmm It certainly won't break her to learn something she already knows. But if she doesn't already know, this could be incredibly valuable new information. Why would you assume she does know?

It's not OP's "job" to "interfere", no, but when someone (this married man) gets involved with another person, he's essentially bringing another person into the relationship. His wife didn't ask for that to happen, but lucky her! she's married to a dickhead who has done it, anyway. It's not "interfering" to inform her that her husband is lying, pretending to be single, and seeking sex outside the marriage.

safariboot · 02/04/2021 01:43

You aren't the one who pretended to be single on online dating when you are actually married. He is.

Shortiemyboo · 02/04/2021 01:53

Not the best, but hes the twat here.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 02/04/2021 01:55

Antifeminist Mumsnet. Doormat women Mumsnet. Ffs

Just let the men do what they want... shag around and break your heart. Who cares if they've got a woman at home. She doesn't have a right to know anything. In fact any woman who tells what the men have been doing will be ostracized.

FFS, absolutely ridiculous.

Boringlynormal · 02/04/2021 01:56

The assumption behind the ‘you did the right thing’ viewpoint appears to be that this man’s wife is too dim to realise that his attention is engaged elsewhere. I bet that she isn’t.

I don't think that the wife has to be 'dim' to not realise. Maybe she's just trusting. Maybe he's a great liar. Maybe she's loyal, faithful, eager to look for the best in people etc. I don't think 'dim' is fair or kind.

On a practical note, he's actively seeking out other women so her sexual health - including her fertility - is at risk. I think it's probably right that she should know.

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