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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
TippledPink · 01/04/2021 23:41

He made her suffer, not you. You did the right thing. I would want to know.

Original poster
BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:41

I’ll do as suggested and go to bed. Not sure I’ll sleep for chewing over it but that’s my own stupid fault.

OP posts:
meeeeh · 01/04/2021 23:42

I can't believe how many people are saying this was the right thing to do! I don't believe it's right to get involved with other people's lives like this and you never even met the guy?!

Original poster
BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:43

I don’t want him to leave her for me, if that’s what you’re saying cherry2727. I don’t want anything more to do with him.

OP posts:
RLOU30 · 01/04/2021 23:43

Ah OP don’t chew anything over. You ditched him when you found out. Many don’t even if they say they didn’t know to everyone else. Your a good person really. Forget it now.

AramintaLee · 01/04/2021 23:43

I won't say what you did was necessarily the right thing but if he was pulling that shit with you, likelihood he's trying it on with other women too. If it were me, I think I'd want to know. It sounds like you at least sent yer concrete evidence instead of something vague that she could agonise over.

Best thing now is to try and be nice to yourself, don't beat yourself up about this and move on x

Original poster
BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:45

We never met but we messaged every day since last summer and we planned to meet when we could. So far as I was concerned, and from what he said, it was the start of a relationship and only the pandemic circumstances had stopped it moving into real life.

OP posts:
imalmostthere · 01/04/2021 23:45

@cherry2727

I can't believe that posters are saying that you've done his wife a massive favour?! Do you honestly think his wife is going to leave him because of a few random messages from a stranger ??! Most likely she will now be anxious , stressed and very unhappy if she wasn't prior to this! You haven't even met him in person so why bother ?! I always look at the motive of the act and your motive was quite vindictive!
I actually agree with you. Op doesn't know the circumstances surrounding their marriage, the timing or what they may be going through. If you wanted to tell her because you thought she should know op- maybe I'd get it. But you didn't, you did it to get back at him, not with any thought to her at all. That's why you're in the wrong. You acted out of spite.
Original poster
BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:45

Sorry, I really am going to bed now.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:46

I know I’m in the wrong, that’s why I’m so ashamed and furious with myself.

OP posts:
HmmmmmmInteresting · 01/04/2021 23:46

Lots of ostriches on this thread. Absolutely mental.

How's it different to somebody stealing from you or bullying your child? Wtf would you not want to know? Confused

HmmmmmmInteresting · 01/04/2021 23:47

@BeenSuchaStupidCow

I know I’m in the wrong, that’s why I’m so ashamed and furious with myself.
You're really not 🙄🤔
RLOU30 · 01/04/2021 23:47

@cherry2727
A few messages this time but I guarantee it will be more the next time around if not already. If it makes the wife more aware of the man she is married to so be it. She probs already knows anyway.

meeeeh · 01/04/2021 23:48

I'm not trying to make you feel bad OP but personally this is something I could never do as repercussions on wife and children could be huge, I just couldn't live with myself

imalmostthere · 01/04/2021 23:48

What's done is done. But definitely block them both and don't engage any further.

cherry2727 · 01/04/2021 23:49

I wasn't implying that you wanted him to leave for you ... I'd be keen to find out what you really wanted or expected from this? Did you do it because you thought " oh another woman being screwed by a cheating man , I best save her from this awful mess" or " I can't believe this man lied to me - I'm going to screw his life as I can't have him?"

You don't know this woman's life and had no right interfering ! What if she was having a rough time medically and now you've just turned her life upside down?!

I would like to know for sure whether my dh is having an affair but it hadn't even arrived at that stage for you!

savethatkitty01 · 01/04/2021 23:50

This strikes a chord with me, as I was cheated on. The OW claimed to not know he was married, but I contacted her to let her know! Funnily enough I recieved no reply & she still attempted to continue the affair with my husband.

The wife won't thank you, but I think you have absolutely done the right thing. She probably suspected. There is nothing worse than being the last to know.

FantasticButtocks · 01/04/2021 23:51

Oh dear. How did you find out he was married?

Pissoff2020 · 01/04/2021 23:51

I think you did the right thing. I don’t know why people are saying you shouldn’t get involved, he literally involved you by having an emotional affair. I would much rather know if I was being cheated on, it saves embarrassment and shame further down the line. It’s highly likely he’s done it before and will do it again.

Onelifeonly · 01/04/2021 23:52

It's an understandable reaction and it's done, so try not to beat yourself up. He was the one in the wrong and you never need to have anything to do with either of them again. And anyway, though I've never (knowingly anyway) been in the same situation, I think I would want someone to tell me. She might suspect anyway or be grateful.

VampireTheBuffetSlayer · 01/04/2021 23:52

She may have suspected that he was on his phone a lot and been anxious that something was going on. At least now she knows her hunch was right. It's an awful feeling being suspicious but being told you're imagining things and having it thrown back at you.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 01/04/2021 23:58

But you didn't, you did it to get back at him, not with any thought to her at all. That's why you're in the wrong. You acted out of spite.

Don't be so ridiculous.

He wasted OP's time, and what if she would have fallen for him? Her heart would have been broken. He deserves whatever's coming his way and his wife needs to know she's married to a cheat. Up to her if she stays with him 🙄🤔

GabsAlot · 02/04/2021 00:00

i dont think you were wrong id wan to know-otherwise how long will he cheat for

LivBa · 02/04/2021 00:00

@Medievalist

You've done her a massive favour.
Exactly.

Among other things, this man is most likely putting (or intends to) her sexual health at risk without her knowledge or consent.

Wiredforsound · 02/04/2021 00:01

You absolutely did the right thing. If I was married to a cheating slimeball I’d want to know and I don’t get why some posters on here wouldn’t. Maybe if we all looked out for each other instead of letting men off with appalling behaviour there’s be a bit less of this suit. If someone is cheating, call it out, every single time.