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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 09/04/2021 19:41

OP, don't beat yourself up. This happened to me and it was just so bloody hurtful and disappointing, particularly as my divorce was as a result of my ex-h's prolific infidelity, hence there was no way I'd be complicit in putting anybody else through the horrific pain I went through myself.

I can't say whether it was right or wrong to have told his wife. I wish somebody had told me and I will always be hurt by the considerable number of people who knew my husband was having an affair multiple affairs and kept it from me. I wish somebody had told me. It might have saved me from the absolute hell my kids and I went through. It's done now, she knows her husband is a prick and you have to put it behind you. I hope you're OK Thanks

2ndtimemum2 · 09/04/2021 21:39

@Butwasitherdriveway that answer is a cop out. Would you be OK with important information being withheld from.you? Given your stance if you knew a person had cancer would you chose to not to tell them if you felt they couldn't handle it? The wife is entitled to know so she can then CHOOSE what she wants to do! By not telling her you are removing her choice!

Xaxnxdxrxexaxandrews87 · 09/04/2021 21:49

Personally I don’t think it matters what OP said or did, if the guy didn’t start speaking to her in the first place this never would have come about. If he doesn’t want to be ‘outed’ he should be faithful.
What kind of society do we live in where people get slated for being honest? In whichever way I would want to know if my partner was doing things behind my back.

Mistystar99 · 09/04/2021 22:08

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TheFormidableMrsC · 09/04/2021 22:34

@Mistystar99

When someone shits on you, it absolutely does make a massive difference how you find out about it. The knowledge itself hurts, and most of us agree we would want to know, but the way in which you find out can really intensify the humiliation. So OP has been a massive skank. You feel shit OP because you delivered your message in a selfish way.
A massive skank? What a shitty nasty thing to say. Christ.
Bul21ia · 09/04/2021 23:15

@Mistystar99

When someone shits on you, it absolutely does make a massive difference how you find out about it. The knowledge itself hurts, and most of us agree we would want to know, but the way in which you find out can really intensify the humiliation. So OP has been a massive skank. You feel shit OP because you delivered your message in a selfish way.
OP doesn’t owe the wife any form of loyalty over her own emotions! It’s bullshit the wife should be grateful and if she’s not she’s probably one of them women who want to lie to themselves.

Imagine if things had of gone further with the husband and OP. I bet you would be singing from a very different hymn sheet then!

I bet there were other women before/on the go as well as OP!

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 09/04/2021 23:46

@Mistystar99

A massive skank? Who says these things Grin

Emeraldshamrock · 09/04/2021 23:52

Fuck him he deserves it. I'd definitely be grateful for this information on my OH.
Don't give him a second thought.
I wouldn't have expected DW to reply.

2ndtimemum2 · 10/04/2021 00:31

@Mistystar99

When someone shits on you, it absolutely does make a massive difference how you find out about it. The knowledge itself hurts, and most of us agree we would want to know, but the way in which you find out can really intensify the humiliation. So OP has been a massive skank. You feel shit OP because you delivered your message in a selfish way.
Well aren't you just so classy? The irony of you talking about delivering a message in a gentle way and then talking as if you are just out of prison!
Emeraldshamrock · 10/04/2021 01:11

The irony of you talking about delivering a message in a gentle way and then talking as if you are just out of prison! 🤣

Susana3652 · 07/05/2021 21:30

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