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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2021 01:59

Personally I think you did the right thing. I'd want to know.

You messaged her privately you didn't post the pictures on her public FB page. It's up to the wife how she handles this. If she wants to ignore or disbelieve that's her decision. She can carry on her life with no one the wiser (except her). At least if she decides to do nothing, she's now making that decision with eyes wide open. Or it may very well be that this isn't his first time and you've simply confirmed what she's either suspected or known. Either way, HE is the one who lit the fuse, not you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2021 02:03

@Boringlynormal

The assumption behind the ‘you did the right thing’ viewpoint appears to be that this man’s wife is too dim to realise that his attention is engaged elsewhere. I bet that she isn’t.

I don't think that the wife has to be 'dim' to not realise. Maybe she's just trusting. Maybe he's a great liar. Maybe she's loyal, faithful, eager to look for the best in people etc. I don't think 'dim' is fair or kind.

On a practical note, he's actively seeking out other women so her sexual health - including her fertility - is at risk. I think it's probably right that she should know.

I agree - there is no need for assumption of "dimness" on the part of the wife - how very fucking rude! How many times do we see on the relationships board that the discovery of an affair has come out of the blue - are you, iamthewombat, actually suggesting that all those women are "too dim" to have worked out that something was wrong? Sometimes men are extremely clever liars, and don't actually want to break up their marriages - but they enjoy the "thrill" of extramarital affairs as well.

Dimness doesn't come into it much of the time - the only common theme is duplicitous men and how good at it they are.

Saltyslug · 02/04/2021 02:08

She will thank you in the long run. I would rather know

ChalkingsIsAGatewayCrime · 02/04/2021 02:43

You're not in the wrong, OP.

If my husband was on an OLD site messaging women and sending them pictures, I'd want to know. 100%. I'd be thankful to whoever told me.

occa · 02/04/2021 02:45

I’d absolutely want to know if I was married to someone this scummy. Can’t believe there seem to be so many here who’d rather not be told Shock

You’ve done the right thing OP.

mynameiscalypso · 02/04/2021 03:00

For the people minimising it and saying it was just a few messages and he was 'killing time', this has been going on since last summer! He sent OP what I assume are dick pics! They're not just chatting about the weather. And I bet he's doing the same with multiple other women at the same time.

WisnaeMe · 02/04/2021 03:33

If it was my Husband.. I would want to know OP 🌸

Pyewackect · 02/04/2021 04:06

I would have just blocked him. Some people can take it personally.

JackieWeaverFever · 02/04/2021 04:12

@PammieDooveOrangeJoof

Tbh he’s ruined his wife’s life not you.
This. As his wife I'd want to know.

Some of the ŕesponses on here 🙄 as I'd the OP doesnt alresdy feel bad enough

EmmaGrundyForPM · 02/04/2021 04:28

I think you shouldn't have done it but I also don't think you should feel guilty if that makes sense.

He is a knob. He lied to you and presumably to his wife at least by omission. If it was my dh I'd want to know.

coffy11 · 02/04/2021 04:42

Well done for telling her that her husbands a cheater. Hopefully she leaves him

Luckyelephant1 · 02/04/2021 05:08

I think you did the right thing for sure OP. At the end of the day this married man was on an online dating site, he was ACTIVELY SEEKING OUT to have an affair, this isn't just a casual work friendship that has inadvertently gone too far with flirty messages. Who knows how many other women he's been messaging and planning or actually meeting up with. Personally I'd rather know from a random than suddenly have a friend message me saying they've found my husband's profile on a dating site. You've done her a favour.

BensonStabler · 02/04/2021 05:10

Please stop focusing on the negative comments. Don't beat yourself up. You absolutely don't the right thing. Listen to the majority here.

It is 100% on him.

I'm sorry you were dragged into this mess and sucked in by this creep.
Your feelings for him will fade, just keep remembering whatever charm he was throwing your way was only to get his end away, and you won't have been the first or the last who fell for his bs. He doesn't care who he hurts along the way. When you find yourself yearning remember who he REALLY is. Not the act of Mr nice guy that he put on to reel you in.

Don't be involved any further with either of them. She knows now and it's up to her what she does with that.

Look after yourself and heal from this. I hope you meet someone genuine and worthy next time. Try not to let it put you off, there are good guys out there too.

Xx

BensonStabler · 02/04/2021 05:11

*done

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/04/2021 05:42

Oh OP, woman up. This frustrated me to read. You OBVIOUSLY did the right thing by informing the poor woman that he's been basically grooming you for a relationship for all this time and that if you hadn't found out he was married, you'd definitely have at LEAST slept together, if not formed a fully fledged relationship!

Stop being self pitying and own your decision as it was a good one and the creep deserves it. This gut was going to willingly break your heart (or at least totally disrespect you by shagging you then dumping/ghosting you) and also betray and humiliate you AND his wife. You did the right thing.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/04/2021 05:43

Honestly if it was my husband and you told me I'd be so grateful to you for your courage and morals!

blisstwins · 02/04/2021 06:10

You took the moral high ground. You may have been motivated by the wrong feelings, but HE did this and you did her a favor.

Sds01 · 02/04/2021 06:20

Ultimately only you know if you did it out of concern or spite. The former is reasonable if the latter you need to look inwardly. That's not to excuse his behaviour.

Ex wives / partners do this all the time ( with no justification other than spite) so don't feel that bad about it as you were the wronged party.

LaBellina · 02/04/2021 06:20

Well I can’t judge for anyone else but if I were his wife, I’d be grateful to you for the reminder to get an STI test at least because he’s probably been cheating before, during and after he was talking to you.

You haven’t ruined her life, her cheating DH did.

comfyslippets · 02/04/2021 06:24

Personally, if I was the wife I'd want to know. I probably wouldn't thank you for it, but I'd want to know. As somebody else said, I'd definitely block them both on everything now and try to forget it in the morning.

Roonerspismed · 02/04/2021 06:26

Dear god why? What is “OLD”

I honestly would message her again with the truth

Roonerspismed · 02/04/2021 06:28

Sorry - have just read he sent dick pics. What an arsehole.

I still think you should confirm you haven’t actually met

Parkerwhereareyou · 02/04/2021 06:29

Honestly if it was my husband and you told me I'd be so grateful to you for your courage and morals!

The reason OP is on here is because:

She let her (completely) understandable rage against his not being straight with her in the first place get the better of her and she did something that she knew would hurt innocent strangers (mother and possible kids) in a moment of drunken abandon.

It wasn't a moral decision, it was an emotional response. And the courage was Dutch.

I'm not sure that anyone can help with the feelings of guilt and self-recrimination you have, OP.

In my opinion, you should have kept your beef with him, and never in a million years involved anyone else. But that's because I would never be so full of myself as to think it right for me to start barrelling around in other people's lives, being totally ignorant of any actual circumstances.

Which is how I think you feel, too, OP, which is why you're devastated that you let your anger take over, fuelled by wine.

You can't do anything now, of course, as you know. And you sent pics so can't even message her to say omg so sorry wrong person!! Not your husband!!!

How did you find out he was married?

Lena007 · 02/04/2021 06:30

If I was her, I would want to know the thruth instead of living in a lie.

If I was you, I would do the same.

Don't feel guilty about it, he should Thanks

MizMoonshine · 02/04/2021 06:30

My dear, I would have thanked you.

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