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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
cherrytreesa · 02/04/2021 00:03

I don't think you've done anything 'stupid'. He brought it on himself. Ah well, next.

Pinchoftums · 02/04/2021 00:03

I would (after the initial disbelief and shock) thank you. 100% would want to know. He is the bastard not you.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 02/04/2021 00:03

God l would much rather know.
My ex was cheating on me and as awful as it was, it is always better to know.

Pinchoftums · 02/04/2021 00:05

You were not in the wrong. Women that don't say anything are worse as they allow men to get away with this abhorrent behaviour.

timeisnotaline · 02/04/2021 00:06

I can’t see this is that stupid. She does deserve to know, whatever your motivations. I don’t really see this as ruining a life, because that life was a lie.

EL8888 · 02/04/2021 00:07

I think he deserves everything that’s coming to him. I think his wife had a right to know, no one told me when my exh was cheating on me

wheresmymojo · 02/04/2021 00:07

I agree with PP.

You haven't made her suffer, her husband did.

I would absolutely want to know.

tricky29 · 02/04/2021 00:10

@BeenSuchaStupidCow

He doesn’t know where I live, no. Well, the general area but not my address. And yes, I dumped him when I found out. I feel so bad because I’m angry at him but now I’ve made her suffer because of a stupid misjudgement.
You know you’ve made a mistake, you have a right to feel hurt, but you’ve turned your hurt on the wrong person.

The blame/responsibility here is all his. If I were you I’d shut my SM down for a bit just to avoid any potential aggro from either of them. She should be angry with him but may turn her anger on you. He might be angry with you. Hopefully they will both give you a wide berth.

Don’t beat yourself up though. If you didn’t know he was married, he’s misled you both. You’ve every right to be angry but don’t waste sleep on this, he should sort his own mess out.

Itlod1982 · 02/04/2021 00:13

Nothing to feel bad about OP

The wife deserves to know and the guy deserves to face the consequences

Erkrie · 02/04/2021 00:14

I'd want to know op.

AliceMcK · 02/04/2021 00:15

I don’t think you should feel ashamed at all. You did the right thing

you found out he wasn’t single so dumped him ✅
you went to block him ✅
but you ended up letting his wife know her husbands been cheating on her ✅

She might not be happy, she’ll be hurt and her life may well be falling apart but that’s not on you, that’s on the man who has betrayed her.

Happymum12345 · 02/04/2021 00:18

You haven’t done anything wrong. He has. I feel for his wife but I wish more women would be as open & honest as you have been.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 02/04/2021 00:20

You have done her a favour. Yes, her near future is looking quite rubbish cause you sent her that message, but at least now she can choose to not be with a cheating piece of shit.

cherrytreesa · 02/04/2021 00:21

I can't believe how many people are saying this was the right thing to do! I don't believe it's right to get involved with other people's lives like this and you never even met the guy?!

I can't believe that you think this man has the right to go about messing multiple women around and causing upset. You think his wife should just be left in ignorant bliss? Then he moves on to the next woman and messes her around?

ballsdeep · 02/04/2021 00:21

@Credenhill22

Appalling
The op for telling his poor wife, or the man himself?!
DrEllie · 02/04/2021 00:22

It might hurt, but I would want to know.

betterfantasia · 02/04/2021 00:23

I'd want to be told.

Countingthebeat · 02/04/2021 00:24

@Credenhill22

Appalling
Why is it appalling ? She wasn’t the married one and only found out a few weeks ago he was married so he clearly lied His wife deserves to know who’s she’s married to so she can make informed decisions about whether to waste the rest of her life with such a loser I’d certainly want to know if my h did this OP put your phone away and get some sleep
notangelinajolie · 02/04/2021 00:25

Nope. You have absolutely have done the right thing. You haven't ruined ruined their marriage - he has. And his wife needs to know.

Zancah · 02/04/2021 00:25

I'd want to know.
She may, or may not, see it this way - but you've done her a favour. There will be little pieces of stuff all magically slotting into place now, even if she isn't ready to admit it yet.

Silveretta71 · 02/04/2021 00:25

You've done nothing wrong despite the posters telling you you have! Plus you've alerted the wife to the fact that her husband is seeking sex elsewhere! My advice would be block them both and forget all about it there's plenty of single men

Jux · 02/04/2021 00:28

Well, I would want to know that my dh had been lying through his teeth for ages, especially if I'd been suspecting something and he'd been persuading me I was just paranoid. Which, let's face it, is what usually happens.

So after a few months of thinking it's all me and I'm going mad, I would be very very relieved to know that, no, it was him all him.

Maybe he promised his wife that last time would be the last time and she had decided that yes, it would be. So she would need to know that it actually wasn't. You've just told her. Imagine her giving him the bollocking that you'd like to yourself Wink and stop feeling bad.

Dervel · 02/04/2021 00:28

I don’t think you did anything stupid, you got involved with a man in good faith. He lied and used you, you got angry and lashed out. I don’t think the manner you acted out of hurt/anger was at all disproportionate. Yeah ok maybe this shattered this poor woman’s world (it may not maybe she’s aware and accepts his philandering), but it was ultimately HIS cheating that accomplished this not your actions. Hold your head high you deserve to, and I hope you find a better man more deserving of you.

Iamthewombat · 02/04/2021 00:28

I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied.

And you’re surprised? What did you think would happen? That she’d thank you and you’d become close friends and that together you would wreak revenge on her husband, like in a film?

You did not ‘do the the right thing’, your motive was revenge on this man, but you know that already.

You don’t know these people, you have never met them, you have no business interfering in their lives. If a work colleague flirted with you in the office and suggested that you might go on a date in the future, and you later discovered that he was married, would you contact his wife to tell her? Because that’s analogous to what has happened here.

cherrytreesa · 02/04/2021 00:29

I know I’m in the wrong, that’s why I’m so ashamed and furious with myself

No you're not in the wrong. I actually think it's cruel NOT to inform the woman.

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