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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
MrsPsmalls · 02/04/2021 00:30

Its done now so no point regretting it, but this was really unwise. Just as you did something stupid whilst angry and drunk, he or she might do the same. I would be really worried that he might track me down or that she might tackle him and things might escalate. Few people behave rationally when confronted with an affair.

cherrytreesa · 02/04/2021 00:31

You don't know this woman's life and had no right interfering ! What if she was having a rough time medically and now you've just turned her life upside down?!

WTF am I reading here? Eh, that would be the scumbag husband to blame for bringing that upon his wife wouldn't it? Why would it be OPs fault? Play with fire and all that...

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/04/2021 00:33

I'm not trying to make you feel bad OP but personally this is something I could never do as repercussions on wife and children could be huge, I just couldn't live with myself

So you’d rather this woman and children continue to live a life based in quicksand?

Iamthewombat · 02/04/2021 00:34

It’s not the OP’s job to judge how this man’s (sort of) infidelity should be dealt with. She has never met him or his wife. She has no business delivering a punishment to a family she knows nothing about, particularly when her motivation was not kindness to the wife but a desire to settle a score with the husband.

OldLang · 02/04/2021 00:37

I'd want to know too. At least the wife can make an informed decision about how she wants her marriage to proceed.
The damage was completely perpetrated by the husband here and he is the one who's done the betraying, lying, gaslighting etc.
So many what ifs that can lead you in infinite circles. Given this man's propensity for lies, it's no stretch you think OP may not be the only one. No reason to think it's impossible for another extramarital relationship to have become physical, either before OP, at the same time, or since.

Sakurami · 02/04/2021 00:39

You did her a favour. Whether she acts on it or whether you're the first person to tell her, we won't know but if he does it again and that woman also tells her then she will have it confirmed more.

When I was OLD there was a doctor who worked near me twice a week but lived in London. He wanted to meet but before we met he basically told me that he was married. I regret not going a bit further to find out more information so I could have told his wife.

justsaymaybe · 02/04/2021 00:40

You didn't do anything wrong at all.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 02/04/2021 00:41

@Iamthewombat

It’s not the OP’s job to judge how this man’s (sort of) infidelity should be dealt with. She has never met him or his wife. She has no business delivering a punishment to a family she knows nothing about, particularly when her motivation was not kindness to the wife but a desire to settle a score with the husband.
Sort of? What he did was definitely cheating. There's no sort of about it. Mine would be out on his arse quicker than he could say sorry if he did that.

It doesn't actually matter why the OP did it. What matters is that his wife deserved to be told because no one deserves to live a life which is a lie. Thinking her husband loves her when he clearly doesn't. Why should the wife not get a choice in whether or not she stays with him, unless she herself stumbles up on the proof of him cheating?

anyoldtime · 02/04/2021 00:43

You wanted to pay him back and its done now OP. At least you are honest enough not to try to convince yourself that you were doing his wife a favour. If she replies to you, then have the decency to answer her questions truthfully.

We've all done things we have regretted, some worse than others. The chances are you aren't his first dalliance on OLD and she may have suspicions already.

The other thing to think about is your own safety? If you haven't met him you don't know what his history is or what he (or his wife - if he spins her a story) might do? She can easily locate you through Facebook.

Iamthewombat · 02/04/2021 00:44

It’s ‘sort of’ because she never actually met him. That’s rather different to sexual contact, don’t you think?

And yes, it does matter why the OP did it. She is being congratulated for ‘doing the right thing’ and ‘doing nothing wrong’. No. She had a few drinks and decided to get back at the man she discovered, two weeks ago, was married. Her motive was revenge, not championing the rights of cheated upon wives.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 02/04/2021 00:47

Doesn't matter if they met, cheating is cheating.

The end result is the same for the wife; she now gets to choose her future, because of the OP.

Deedeedocket · 02/04/2021 00:47

Do you know for sure sure she has read it?

If you aren’t friends on Facebook it will go into her message requests won’t it? So she may not have even discovered it yet.

Whiskeylover45 · 02/04/2021 00:49

I'm not usually one to pile any sympathy on AP threads, as my poster history will tell you, but in this case I think you did the right thing. His wife may not thank you right now but it gives her the opportunity to know and make a desicion based on that. Never been cheated on thankfully but been in a position where I was the last to know something, and it was me who it impacted the most. It hurts but I would 100% make sure someone knew so they could make a decision. So it's done, you've told her. No need to beat yourself up. Yeah your reasons werent truly altruistic but really how many people are? Just bow out gracefully, block them on everything. You haven't got him into trouble, he did that himself. If it wasn't you then it would have been someone else. Be kind to yourself, you didn't know and ultimately did the right thing when you did. Best of luck OP

Zancah · 02/04/2021 00:50

I'd say that this isn't his first rodeo.
First time cheating is nearly always opportunistic and somewhat accidental - meeting people in real life and feeling an attraction and then accidentally falling on top of them
Creating an online dating profile, seeking out almost certainly multiple women and messaging for time is very premeditated.
IMO, he's done this before - the wife needed to know.
Like I said before, I wouldn't be surprised if seeing those screenshots was a puzzle piece that she didn't know she was looking for.

Jux · 02/04/2021 00:51

Iamthewombat, regardless of op's motives I still maintain she has done the right thing.

Feelinglikearubbishmum · 02/04/2021 00:52

Yikes, I wouldn’t have done that, you don’t know their full story or life, obviously he shouldn’t have been messaging but o wouldn’t have got involved when you’ve not even met him. I just feel for the wife

Happycat1212 · 02/04/2021 00:54

Oh god why did you do that, you didn’t even meet, just screams of jealousy, you clearly done it to get revenge, I would never message personally imo they always stay with them either way.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/04/2021 00:56

You’ve done her a huge favour - now she knows what a rat he is snd if she chooses to stay with him she’s no one to blame but herself when he does it again.

You have given her a choice.

me4real · 02/04/2021 00:56

I think you've done the right thing. She needs to know so she can make informed decisions about her own life.

now I’ve made her suffer

You haven't. His actions have.

LadyWithLapdog · 02/04/2021 01:00

I would have wanted to do this but I don’t know if I’d have had the courage. It’ll look better in the morning. Stay off SoMe for a while. You’ll feel bruised and need to regroup. 💐

Cokecake · 02/04/2021 01:02

I would have done the same!

Lalliella · 02/04/2021 01:05

She may not have seen it if it’s a Facebook message, if you’re not friends with the person they go into a folder that isn’t obvious. You can probably still delete it if you regret it.

Nats1984 · 02/04/2021 01:10

You’ve done this lady a favour . She won’t be grateful right now , but you both deserve better. I strongly suggest that you have a well mixed cocktail and move the fuck on from this pond life. In fact I hope that in a few years time you struggle to remember his name . Mick? Dave ? James ? Dan? X

Shnuffles · 02/04/2021 01:11

I wouldn't send a "thank you" note to you, under the circumstances, but I'd want to know the truth, whatever your intentions. She deserves to know what her husband's up to so she can make an educated decision about whether or not to stay with him.

Stop blaming yourself, move on with your life, and try not to dwell on this.

Kintsuji · 02/04/2021 01:12

If anyone's ruined her life it's her cheating H. I would want to know, a lot of women would. Stop beating yourself up, maybe not the best choice but at least now she knows. I and many other women would want to. She may choose to ignore it, or it may be the last bit of proof she needs to leave. It's unlikely he's a model husband in other ways if he's OLD.