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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
DoubleTweenQueen · 08/04/2021 22:15

@Parkerwhereareyou The OP wasn't off her face though - she said she'd had a couple of drinks, and I don't think you can predict how the wife will feel about the revelation. She may not wish to have been left in ignorance, or she may. You can't say which based in your own beliefs?

cherrytreesa · 08/04/2021 23:19

Butwasitherdriveway

Keep talking to yourself Wink.

2ndtimemum2 · 08/04/2021 23:47

@Butwasitherdriveway the way your arguing is called argumentum ad hominem, your insulting every single poster who.doesnt agree with you, if you have to stoop to insults it doesn't really show much strength in your argument

CokeDrinker · 09/04/2021 05:44

I suspect those who state the wife shouldn't be told, are OW in real life but are proud of it.

CokeDrinker · 09/04/2021 05:49

@Butwasitherdriveway For all we know the wife may have told the husband, he's told her she's talking bollocks and it's all done with by this point.

You obviously didn't read that the OP included photo evidence including the bedroom.

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 06:48

@cherrytreesa

Butwasitherdriveway

Keep talking to yourself Wink.

But I'm not though, am I? Im responding to other posters , cause there's more than you.
Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 06:49

[quote CokeDrinker]**@Butwasitherdriveway* For all we know the wife may have told the husband, he's told her she's talking bollocks and it's all done with by this point.*

You obviously didn't read that the OP included photo evidence including the bedroom.[/quote]
I did. But we still don't know what's happened.

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 06:49

[quote 2ndtimemum2]@Butwasitherdriveway the way your arguing is called argumentum ad hominem, your insulting every single poster who.doesnt agree with you, if you have to stoop to insults it doesn't really show much strength in your argument[/quote]
I'm not insulting everyone.

I called someone who told me and my friend an idiot to get psychological help. I stand by that.

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 06:50

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@Parkerwhereareyou The OP wasn't off her face though - she said she'd had a couple of drinks, and I don't think you can predict how the wife will feel about the revelation. She may not wish to have been left in ignorance, or she may. You can't say which based in your own beliefs?[/quote]
Exactly!! Which is why the posters claiming OP was good and virtuous and did the right thing because they would want to know are off the mark.

2ndtimemum2 · 09/04/2021 12:18

@Butwasitherdriveway by any chance are you an older woman?, just your mindset seems to be what you don't know can't hurt you and seems to lean towards the "boys will be boys" attitude which doesn't fit with today's world.

This man spent the last 6 months messaging this woman he made this CHOICE. The op was messaging him true false choice i.e she did not know he was married so he was putting her in a situation that she would not knowingly have been in(we know this because she stopped messaging him as soon as she knew).

He had several opportunities to stop but chose to continue. There was 3 people in this situation and fairness would mean that all three would be privy to the information that affects all their lives. The op chose to tell the wife because that was her right to choice. When the husband dragged her into the marriage she was entitled to use her information freely.Now that the wife has this information she is free to chose what she wants to do.

The wife knowing is 100% a consequence of the husbands actions. Weather the op was drunk sober or flying a kite has no bearing on it! There is NO gentle way to tell a wife that her husband has had an affair. It makes no difference HOW the wife found out because its 100% about the husbands actions.

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 12:21

[quote 2ndtimemum2]@Butwasitherdriveway by any chance are you an older woman?, just your mindset seems to be what you don't know can't hurt you and seems to lean towards the "boys will be boys" attitude which doesn't fit with today's world.

This man spent the last 6 months messaging this woman he made this CHOICE. The op was messaging him true false choice i.e she did not know he was married so he was putting her in a situation that she would not knowingly have been in(we know this because she stopped messaging him as soon as she knew).

He had several opportunities to stop but chose to continue. There was 3 people in this situation and fairness would mean that all three would be privy to the information that affects all their lives. The op chose to tell the wife because that was her right to choice. When the husband dragged her into the marriage she was entitled to use her information freely.Now that the wife has this information she is free to chose what she wants to do.

The wife knowing is 100% a consequence of the husbands actions. Weather the op was drunk sober or flying a kite has no bearing on it! There is NO gentle way to tell a wife that her husband has had an affair. It makes no difference HOW the wife found out because its 100% about the husbands actions.[/quote]
No.

Given that I have never once said she shouldn't be told, and I am about as far from boys can be boys as you could get,....

No. Just no.

Sandra15 · 09/04/2021 12:27

*No.

Given that I have never once said she shouldn't be told, and I am about as far from boys can be boys as you could get,....

No. Just no.*

How do you think she should have been told and who was going to tell her? It was down to either the OP, or the husband, and the latter certainly wasn't going to tell her. So, how should she find out? Aliens? Telepathy? I don't understand.

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 13:07

@Sandra15

*No.

Given that I have never once said she shouldn't be told, and I am about as far from boys can be boys as you could get,....

No. Just no.*

How do you think she should have been told and who was going to tell her? It was down to either the OP, or the husband, and the latter certainly wasn't going to tell her. So, how should she find out? Aliens? Telepathy? I don't understand.

Is there a reason I need to answer this question every three posts so that one of the gang can come along and tell me I'm like a dog with a bone?

All I have EVER said is that a) woemn can't speak for other women and say they want to be told therefore the wife did and b) it was not a virtuous or kind act by OP and it was done in revenge under drink which is not good.

MarshmallowAra · 09/04/2021 13:23

Her mental and emotional health would not have been affected at all, would have been protected, had the OP not got (rightly) fucked off and (unfortunately) off her face and told her everything.

Delusional.

Behaviour like that is never isolated; both in terms of how many times and with how many women they do it ... And in general terms of how they treat their wife/partner.

MN shows posters who discover their partner has been cheating to some extent or other; commonly have a list of incidents, questionable behaviour, doubts, suspicions, things they've chosen to let go etc. It's likely that is the case, she deserves to know what he's at behind her back in order to know the full picture about her husband & marriage. This is the incident could set her free, if not now then sometime in the future.

duodunical · 09/04/2021 13:26

Is anyone else checking the thread every so often just to see if Butwasitherdriveway will actually manage to get the last word?

He/she seems pretty determined.

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 13:38

@duodunical

Is anyone else checking the thread every so often just to see if Butwasitherdriveway will actually manage to get the last word?

He/she seems pretty determined.

If you are checking the thread, youl see that I predicted such a response in my last post.

Someone asked me a fucking question and I answered it. Is that not allowed ?

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 13:39

@Sandra15

*No.

Given that I have never once said she shouldn't be told, and I am about as far from boys can be boys as you could get,....

No. Just no.*

How do you think she should have been told and who was going to tell her? It was down to either the OP, or the husband, and the latter certainly wasn't going to tell her. So, how should she find out? Aliens? Telepathy? I don't understand.

For reference @duodunical here is the question I was quoted in and answered, just in case you missed it in your rush to spout bile.
Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 13:40

[quote 2ndtimemum2]@Butwasitherdriveway by any chance are you an older woman?, just your mindset seems to be what you don't know can't hurt you and seems to lean towards the "boys will be boys" attitude which doesn't fit with today's world.

This man spent the last 6 months messaging this woman he made this CHOICE. The op was messaging him true false choice i.e she did not know he was married so he was putting her in a situation that she would not knowingly have been in(we know this because she stopped messaging him as soon as she knew).

He had several opportunities to stop but chose to continue. There was 3 people in this situation and fairness would mean that all three would be privy to the information that affects all their lives. The op chose to tell the wife because that was her right to choice. When the husband dragged her into the marriage she was entitled to use her information freely.Now that the wife has this information she is free to chose what she wants to do.

The wife knowing is 100% a consequence of the husbands actions. Weather the op was drunk sober or flying a kite has no bearing on it! There is NO gentle way to tell a wife that her husband has had an affair. It makes no difference HOW the wife found out because its 100% about the husbands actions.[/quote]
And another one @duodunical.

Aussiebean · 09/04/2021 13:44

@BeenSuchaStupidCow

It probably means nothing now Op, but you did the right thing.

I would want to know. My h has left, says there is no one else, but I seriously suspect there it. I would be able to move on so much easier if I had that knowledge. Rather than the BS excuses he is using that don’t make sense.

Forgive yourself for not knowing. He went to extraordinary lengths to deceive you and you did well to work it out. Covid was a great smoke screen for him. But you worked it out and binned him off.

Well done you. You should be proud of yourself for that.

The wife has power now that she knows, and will make the right choice for her.

Well done again and I hope you are more at peace now.

SimilarStory · 09/04/2021 14:25

Yes. It's never nice to find out your partner has been cheating you. Ever. However, I would always want to know.

I think it's naive to assume that his wife didn't already know (be it an inkling or full-blown investigation of him). The level of subterfuge this man went to does not suggest a first-timer. No one gets that sneaky unless they've been caught already or their partner is suspicious.

AliceAliceWhoTheFook · 09/04/2021 17:14

@Iamthewombat

It’s not the OP’s job to judge how this man’s (sort of) infidelity should be dealt with. She has never met him or his wife. She has no business delivering a punishment to a family she knows nothing about, particularly when her motivation was not kindness to the wife but a desire to settle a score with the husband.
Yeah.... fine.... but if the husband hadn't been a cheating scumbag in the first place.... none of this would've happened!

The OP perhaps didn't do this with altruistic intentions. But that's neither here or there. If the wife isn't in a good place and is now in a worse place... the only person at fault here is the husband!

OP honestly forget all about it.

2ndtimemum2 · 09/04/2021 17:20

@Iamthewombat but it is the right of the op.to decide if the wife is told or not! It is her information and her experience with the man and she can chose to put it on a billboard if she so choses! The second he started messaging the op he lost the right to privacy. When you bring a 3rd person I to the marriage you have lost the right to secrecy!

2ndtimemum2 · 09/04/2021 17:23

@Butwasitherdriveway your not answering any of the questions!! I'll ask them directly and try give a yes no answer because it's very difficult to follow your opinion!

  1. Do you think the wife deserved to know that her husband had been send dick pics and telling a woman he was single for the last 6 months? It's a yes no question
Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 17:30

[quote 2ndtimemum2]@Butwasitherdriveway your not answering any of the questions!! I'll ask them directly and try give a yes no answer because it's very difficult to follow your opinion!

  1. Do you think the wife deserved to know that her husband had been send dick pics and telling a woman he was single for the last 6 months? It's a yes no question[/quote]
It isn't a yes or no question. I can't answer for her because I don't bloody know her.
GoToSleepBabyPlease · 09/04/2021 18:56

It isn't a yes or no question. I can't answer for her because I don't bloody know her.

You don't need to know her to say if she deserves to know, only to say if she wants to know. They're different things. Does she deserve to know, does she have the right to know?