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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
Bul21ia · 06/04/2021 21:14

@MarshmallowAra

Justice? and what would that be? His marriage broke up and him found out? is that justice?

What do you think is justice for a married man who has joined dating sites, formed connections on there with single women who are searching for a partner, communicated with them for months, (essentially an emotional affair) sexting (or the message equivalent), taking pictures of his penis in his home with his wife and sending them to them etc etc??

Well put 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Too much focus on the OW instead of the cheating person who usually gets taken back...man repeats cycle with another woman FFS ladies wise up!!!
Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 21:24

Funny that, the focus being on the OW when she was the one who posted and asked for feedback. Amazing

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 21:34

@Butwasitherdriveway

Funny that, the focus being on the OW when she was the one who posted and asked for feedback. Amazing
I tried to give a reasoned answer to your question re justice but you seem to only want to engage with people arguing with you in a way you can then complain about. It all got a bit weird really. Anyway, I tried!
YoBeaches · 06/04/2021 21:51

I've read the full thread now and I can only see one thing that's really wrong and that is when you said this...

the main thought in my head as I was doing it was “let’s see you wriggle out of this

You missed a word..

the main thought in my head as I was doing it was “let’s see you wriggle out of this FUCKHEAD

Now that's sorted, hope you are feeling better. Don't let the fuckers grind you down. He was a twat, you deserve better, and so does the wife.

Onthedunes · 06/04/2021 21:59

The thing is @Butwasitherdriveway, everybody has their own point of view, the trick is trying to respect that point of view, whatever it may be.

The majority on here do not think the op has done anything wrong, we are telling her that so she does not feel bad about herself and her actions.
You think she is wrong in her actions and wish her to feel bad about those actions.
I myself would be grateful for the disclosure but for any of you who would not wish to know, I hope you are happy within your ignorance.
If you would rather be sat opposite your husband who is actively talking/chatting up women on a dating sites in front of you, sending pictures, messages etc, whilst you cook, clean, iron, bring up children have sex make plans together, fine.
I wish you well.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 22:23

@Onthedunes

The thing is *@Butwasitherdriveway*, everybody has their own point of view, the trick is trying to respect that point of view, whatever it may be.

The majority on here do not think the op has done anything wrong, we are telling her that so she does not feel bad about herself and her actions.
You think she is wrong in her actions and wish her to feel bad about those actions.
I myself would be grateful for the disclosure but for any of you who would not wish to know, I hope you are happy within your ignorance.
If you would rather be sat opposite your husband who is actively talking/chatting up women on a dating sites in front of you, sending pictures, messages etc, whilst you cook, clean, iron, bring up children have sex make plans together, fine.
I wish you well.

I have never once said I wouldn't want to know

Also, OP feels bad because she knows she should, thars what she said in her OP!.

Aswad · 06/04/2021 22:25

If I was the wife, I’d want to know. If be angry at first but would be thankful (eventually)

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 22:26

@youvegottenminuteslynn I
m pretty sure i did engage with you no?

It's not about "wanting" to argue with anyone, its about standing my ground against a pile on!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 22:34

[quote Butwasitherdriveway]@youvegottenminuteslynn I
m pretty sure i did engage with you no?

It's not about "wanting" to argue with anyone, its about standing my ground against a pile on![/quote]
I posted at 830 and can't see a response to me (which is totally fine, obviously) but can see you chose to respond to people who made you angry instead. That was my point. As I say, you've no obligation to reply to anyone at all. It just seems like an unproductive thing to do, choosing to engage with people you think don't understand your point.

They do, they just don't agree with it. At some point you need to agree to disagree, as do they. But you kept repeating the same things as if people didn't understand. They did. They just disagreed.

My post re what justice looks like is how many people feel I think. Having your agency taken away when it comes to who you're in a relationship with, and your sexual health, is unjust. It's up to the person who has been cheated on what they do with the information, but justice would at least give them the chance to make an informed decision.

cherrytreesa · 06/04/2021 23:06

No

That's why I don't take anyone's nonsense anymore. I used to

You can feel free to do it. I don't need to engage

My goodness, you're just full of sob stories.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 23:19

Looks liek I genuinely missed that, @youvegottenminuteslynn. apologies, as weve always discussed quite well on other thrads.

I take your point , in some ways. but my point is that that isn't why OP did it.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 23:22

@cherrytreesa

No

That's why I don't take anyone's nonsense anymore. I used to

You can feel free to do it. I don't need to engage

My goodness, you're just full of sob stories.

I am.

See when I'm just talking about what I'm gonna have for tea, I have to take a breath and then Leona Lewis' "footprints in the sand" plays, right on the key change

HmmmmmmInteresting · 07/04/2021 00:04

Dubious thread. First clue was the amount of weirdos insisting they wouldn't want to know if their partner was cheating. Second clue was how the thread ran and ran (it's a pretty boring thread to be fair, no offence, OP. Third clue was when it got picked up by the Daily Heil. What a coincidence 🙄🤔

SimilarStory · 07/04/2021 08:26

I had a similar thread that also ended up in the DMail. At the time we suspected there was a journalist asking questions on the thread as they were so combative.

Mine was different in that we were together in RL. But the fake name single man shenanigans were the same. I told the wife as I suspected he was a serial cheat and that he intended to live a long-term double life with me and had probably done so already with other women. His career gave him the perfect opportunity to behave like this. She never responded to my message but the ex's subsequent tirade made it clear it had been received. Reading this thread stirred emotions for me and I had a look at his SM. They're still together and have since had another baby. I hope for all their sakes that he is a changed man. His wife deserves to be happy, if she thinks it's with him (despite knowing he's a rat) then so be it.

Sandra15 · 07/04/2021 11:51

@Butwasitherdriveway

I personally don't like anything like that coming from an anonymous source. I've said this before on threads.

But yesz I'd be more inclined to agree if it was done out of genuine care for the wife rather than feeling sorry for herself and wanting to punish him regardless of who got hurt.

Where does it say the OP sent the evidence anonymously? She sent it from her Facebook account, didn't she?
celerysticks · 07/04/2021 13:01

You've done her a favour. If that was my husband I'd want to know.

SandyY2K · 07/04/2021 13:26

How is it cruel to inform a woman that her husband was sending sleazy photos and misleading women that he was single? The motivation behind it is irrelevant.

I agree with you.

Sadly, far too many women rather put their heads in the sand or shoot the messenger.

A wife will obviously not be delighted to hear such news, but her H is the person responsible for it.

It would be cruel if it was untrue, but it's not. It's the truth.

Butwasitherdriveway · 07/04/2021 13:27

@HmmmmmmInteresting

Dubious thread. First clue was the amount of weirdos insisting they wouldn't want to know if their partner was cheating. Second clue was how the thread ran and ran (it's a pretty boring thread to be fair, no offence, OP. Third clue was when it got picked up by the Daily Heil. What a coincidence 🙄🤔
Nobody insisted they wouldn't want to know weirdos or otherwise.

@Sandra15.
Yes - but she doesn't know her , does she?

Butwasitherdriveway · 07/04/2021 13:28

My problem is that people judge this based on their own feelings. You're fine because I would want to know. Sheer arrogance. And because we are all obsessed with sisterhood, we are overlooking the admission made by OP that she was drunk and pissed off and felt like causing trouble. That is not a kind action , it's not in the wife's best interest (whether it turns out to be is a different thing ) and it shouldn't be applauded. IMO.

Sandra15 · 07/04/2021 13:47

Yes - but she doesn't know her , does she?

I really don't think that is relevant and I also think it is a poor and pointless argument. She contacted the woman from her own Facebook account, revealing who she was and being prepared to engage if the wife got back to her. What would you suggest? That she tells the husband to tell his wife herself? Can you imagine what would have happened then? Contact one of the wife's friends on Facebook who DO know her, and ask them to tell her for her? Do nothing, and allow the cheating twonk to carry on?

None of those. In fact, I think the OP has been courageous and if I was married and my husband was doing this sort of stuff, I would be pleased to find out. It is not selfish, mean or cruel. She did not want the cheater once she found out he was married. She's not vengeful or a bunny boiler, she's done absolutely the right thing. Well I think so, anyway.

What would you have done in her circumstances? What do you think is the right thing to do?

CokeDrinker · 07/04/2021 13:48

You did nothing wrong! Whether it was out of anger or spite, it does not matter! You did the right thing! You let the wife know the truth. Any woman on here would expect the same, to be told the truth, and not have people stand by and watch you (the wife) made a fool of and say nothing. If ever a married man cracks onto you, you should always tell the wife. It's just the right, decent thing to do, regardless of motive. Not saying anything makes you complicit in her being made a fool of.

You did the right thing. Know that. Believe it.

Cokie.

CokeDrinker · 07/04/2021 13:50

You did something really brave and you should be so proud. Flowers

Wholetthedogsout1 · 07/04/2021 14:00

You've definitely done her a favour, if it's not you it would be someone else he would be cheating on her with. She needs to know what she's got, I know I would. Don't beat yourself up.

cherrytreesa · 07/04/2021 14:10

My problem is that people judge this based on their own feelings You're fine because I would want to know. Sheer arrogance

The sheer arrogance is you dismissing the majority of women on here who say they would want to be told, no matter what the motivation behind it was. I suspect there are other factors at play here.

Butwasitherdriveway · 07/04/2021 15:57

@cherrytreesa

My problem is that people judge this based on their own feelings You're fine because I would want to know. Sheer arrogance

The sheer arrogance is you dismissing the majority of women on here who say they would want to be told, no matter what the motivation behind it was. I suspect there are other factors at play here.

No other factors....(I assume you mean me being hairy handed, or involved in this situation, I am neither). I feel strongly about it because someone I knew was told in this manner and if absolutely destroyed her life.

And before you point out he did, I know that. But what I am saying is that ' I would want to be told' and people who have actually lived it can be different.

I'm not dismissing anyone who says they would want to be told! I'm pointing out they're not the wide!

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