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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
AmelieTaylor · 06/04/2021 18:41

@BeenSuchaStupidCow

((More hugs)))

You sound lovely & a thoroughly decent person. I'm SO sorry it turned out like this. Please ignore the posts from people that don't understand the connection you can build up via FaceTime & texting etc.

I'd have given his wife a bit longer before blocking her, it's a lot to get her head around.

I hope you can meet someone truly lovely soon & be as happy as you thought you could be with this bloke.

Cheating is bad enough, but doing what he did to you is yet another level. It's just cruel. There are plenty of women willing to have an a 'thing' with a married man, he didn't need to lie to anyone to do what he did with you, it's just another layer of unnecessary cruelty.

It's natural to miss the daily contact. Take care of yourself 🌸

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 18:43

@MarshmallowAra

I don't like people finding out from an anonymous source.

You've really expanded and explained your view there.

Thanks for that - in response to me clearly laying out why an anonymous disclosure - that provides clear evidence is both understandable and makes no difference.

But it does.

Many women across these threads have said it was worse finding out anonymously. Someone I know as devastated by a letter and always said that was the worst part of thee whole thing. People are different.

This sort of thing isn't 'logical", and there's no one size fits all. I'm glad you think you would be perfectly fine based on logic , but not everyone does.

AmelieTaylor · 06/04/2021 18:43

@Butwasitherdriveway

You've made your point, have the decency to stop detailing the thread.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 18:44

[quote AmelieTaylor]@Butwasitherdriveway

You've made your point, have the decency to stop detailing the thread.[/quote]
I'm not derailing anything.

I'm answering directly what OP asked.

Thanks though.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 18:55

Justice? and what would that be? His marriage broke up and him found out? is that justice?

What do you think is justice for a married man who has joined dating sites, formed connections on there with single women who are searching for a partner, communicated with them for months, (essentially an emotional affair) sexting (or the message equivalent), taking pictures of his penis in his home with his wife and sending them to them etc etc??

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 18:57

She wanted to hurt him, because she was hurt.

I didn't actually get that impression, I got the impression she wanted him to face consequences for his actions - which is justice.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 18:57

@MarshmallowAra

She wanted to hurt him, because she was hurt.

I didn't actually get that impression, I got the impression she wanted him to face consequences for his actions - which is justice.

She pretty much says that herself.

OP has no way of knowing if he will face any consequences.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 18:58

@MarshmallowAra

Justice? and what would that be? His marriage broke up and him found out? is that justice?

What do you think is justice for a married man who has joined dating sites, formed connections on there with single women who are searching for a partner, communicated with them for months, (essentially an emotional affair) sexting (or the message equivalent), taking pictures of his penis in his home with his wife and sending them to them etc etc??

Well what is it?

Justice for me for an idiot like that would be him flung out.

But we don't know his wife has done that, so we? He may well have not faced justice at all.

You guys have me wrong. I think he's a scumbag who deserves what's coming. But I think OP acted badly. Sorry 🤷

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 19:00

She pretty much says that herself.

I didn't take that from what she said ; but I can imagine you would, from your posts in this thread. In any case it is completely understandable that someone who's been hurt by someone would lash out at them and try to hurt them. Imo not just understandable; justified. In addition, his wife being made aware of his infidelity is entirely correct. It would actually be irresponsible not to do so.

OP has no way of knowing if he will face any consequences.

But she knew he'd likely face none if she didn't disclose his infidelity!! Strong logic there again.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 19:03

*Justice? and what would that be? His marriage broke up and him found out? is that justice? ....

Justice for me for an idiot like that would be him flung out.*

Your posts seem really contradictory and all over the place.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 19:04

@MarshmallowAra

*Justice? and what would that be? His marriage broke up and him found out? is that justice? ....

Justice for me for an idiot like that would be him flung out.*

Your posts seem really contradictory and all over the place.

Not contradictory at all!

My point was....we don't know whether she got justice because we don't know what happened!

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 19:06

@MarshmallowAra

She pretty much says that herself.

I didn't take that from what she said ; but I can imagine you would, from your posts in this thread. In any case it is completely understandable that someone who's been hurt by someone would lash out at them and try to hurt them. Imo not just understandable; justified. In addition, his wife being made aware of his infidelity is entirely correct. It would actually be irresponsible not to do so.

OP has no way of knowing if he will face any consequences.

But she knew he'd likely face none if she didn't disclose his infidelity!! Strong logic there again.

Yeah, I think it's clear that she is "sad and lonely and hurting" her words not mine.

"irresponsible not to do so" that is absolute tosh. No one human being can decide what another human being deserves or wants.

We are not going to agree, you've said your point, I've said mine, it's done now, OP has made her choice, she will never know what the outcome is and neither will we.

These issues aren't black and white, we know that. Enjoy your evening.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 19:08

But we don't know his wife has done that, so we? He may well have not faced justice at all.

Yes we don't know what his wife has done or will do either way. Which means your second sentence makes no sense at all.

And even if she hasn't ended the relationship at this time, it's still entirely worthwhile that she found out for any number of reasons.

I'm in danger of getting a fixed wft expression on my face reading your statements, I'm not wasting any more time on them.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 19:10

@MarshmallowAra

But we don't know his wife has done that, so we? He may well have not faced justice at all.

Yes we don't know what his wife has done or will do either way. Which means your second sentence makes no sense at all.

And even if she hasn't ended the relationship at this time, it's still entirely worthwhile that she found out for any number of reasons.

I'm in danger of getting a fixed wft expression on my face reading your statements, I'm not wasting any more time on them.

Whatever.
MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 19:12

"irresponsible not to do so" that is absolute tosh. No one human being can decide what another human being deserves or wants.

I have literally never read such rubbish.

Seriously, when pretty much every other poster on a thread is arguing with you, you need to do a bit of self examination.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 19:14

Whatever

Yeah you've used that one before.

Not much better than the sleeping emojis.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 19:17

We are not going to agree

Yeah just me and pretty much every other poster on this thread.

cherrytreesa · 06/04/2021 19:17

Can you stop with the caps and the full stop sentences.

You don't need to engage with me.

You've made your point.

No I won't stop. Is it only you that's allowed to talk? That's now how Mumsnet works. Are you new here?

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 19:18

(are not going to agree with you).

NoDramaMama14 · 06/04/2021 19:36

I'd want to know my husband was cheating emotionally. Chances are he may have cheated physically with someone else, or with you given the chance. Motive might have off, but she needed to know.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 19:37

@MarshmallowAra

We are not going to agree

Yeah just me and pretty much every other poster on this thread.

But that's fine.

This is my point about trying to bully folk.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 19:39

@MarshmallowAra

"irresponsible not to do so" that is absolute tosh. No one human being can decide what another human being deserves or wants.

I have literally never read such rubbish.

Seriously, when pretty much every other poster on a thread is arguing with you, you need to do a bit of self examination.

Cool.

No I don't. My stance is built on what I've seen happen to people I care about. So really, it doesn't matter what I think.

LibbyL92 · 06/04/2021 19:39

I understand why you feel awful. It’s an absolutely awful situation to be put in.

However, you were absolutely right to message her. What he’s done is unforgivable and an awful betrayal. Who’s to say you’re not the only ‘other woman’

It’s heartbreaking, however this woman deserves better and quite frankly so do you.

Please don’t go back to him.

It’s better that she knows. No matter how hard it is.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 19:40

@cherrytreesa

Can you stop with the caps and the full stop sentences.

You don't need to engage with me.

You've made your point.

No I won't stop. Is it only you that's allowed to talk? That's now how Mumsnet works. Are you new here?

No.

That's why I don't take anyone's nonsense anymore. I used to.

You can feel free to do it. I don't need to engage.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 20:29

@Butwasitherdriveway

Justice? and what would that be? His marriage broke up and him found out? is that justice?

Justice would be the women he is sleeping with and / or married to knowing that he is not monogamous, so they can then make an informed decision about what they want to do.

He has removed his wife's agency and ability to make an informed decision. The justice doesn't come from whether she chooses to stay with him or not, the justice comes from her ability to make an informed decision when it comes to who she spends her life with and her sexual health.