Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

[BeenSuchaStupidCow]

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

@Sandra15

Yes - but she doesn't know her , does she?

I really don't think that is relevant and I also think it is a poor and pointless argument. She contacted the woman from her own Facebook account, revealing who she was and being prepared to engage if the wife got back to her. What would you suggest? That she tells the husband to tell his wife herself? Can you imagine what would have happened then? Contact one of the wife's friends on Facebook who DO know her, and ask them to tell her for her? Do nothing, and allow the cheating twonk to carry on?

None of those. In fact, I think the OP has been courageous and if I was married and my husband was doing this sort of stuff, I would be pleased to find out. It is not selfish, mean or cruel. She did not want the cheater once she found out he was married. She's not vengeful or a bunny boiler, she's done absolutely the right thing. Well I think so, anyway.

What would you have done in her circumstances? What do you think is the right thing to do?

She is vengeful. The act was vengeful. She says that herself.

I'm not sure what I'd do. But I wouldn't do it full of drink, anyway.

@Butwasitherdriveway you are like a dig with a bone!! Your obviously very lonely in real life that you come here to argue with people

[quote 2ndtimemum2]@Butwasitherdriveway you are like a dig with a bone!! Your obviously very lonely in real life that you come here to argue with people[/quote]
Yes that's exactly what it is. 🙄

@Butwasitherdriveway Blaming the woman for 'destroying the wife's life' is basically attacking the messenger. Attacking the whistleblower. Of COURSE it destroyed the wife's life. DUH!!! However I can promise you that wife you know is glad she knows the truth, than stayed married to him for decades more and had no idea. I can absolutely PROMISE you that. What you are doing is attacking the whistleblower, and that is shameful, vengeful and arrogant.

I’d have done the same to be honest. He’s the one in the wrong. You’re not the one cheating, he is. If I were the wife I would want to know.
You did the right thing and you shouldn’t be the one feeling ashamed.

One poster repeating their view dozens of times isn't as compelling as dozens of posters stating their opinion once.

I expect Butwasitherdriveway will return soon to tell me I'm mistaken.....and arrogant.

However I can promise you that wife you know is glad she knows the truth, than stayed married to him for decades more and had no idea. I can absolutely PROMISE you that.

@CokeDrinker
Sorry but I'm with @Butwasitherdriveway on this one. And quite a few others on here.

I actually think it would have been way better for all of them if yes they had all lived happily ever after for the next 30 years and nobody ever been any the wiser.

This was an affair. Some end naturally and disappear. Some are more significant and end with a complete life change and the OW becoming the wife. And some should have just disappeared, but come crashing into everyone's life and fuck it all up, for no real good reason. Because of the emotions that have been stirred up, because of the risks taken.

Yes, unnecessary risks. Yes, wrong to do anything to risk your parter's (presuming they deserve it) and children's (they do) happiness.

But people do stupid stuff. And people are sometimes taken over by their hormones, etc. They don't think straight.

I'm not defending that. Monogamy & a family is possibly the most serious commitment you ever make in your life. WHICH IS WHY I personally think it would often be better for nobody to know anything about anything and to carry on living happily together, nothing broken or smashed up, nobody hurt, everyone happy.

Yes the person who had the affair will feel bad. But that's the deal.

It is not always the best thing for everyone to know everything.

[quote CokeDrinker]**@Butwasitherdriveway* Blaming the woman for 'destroying the wife's life' is basically attacking the messenger. Attacking the whistleblower. Of COURSE it destroyed the wife's life. DUH!!! However I can promise* you that wife you know is glad she knows the truth, than stayed married to him for decades more and had no idea. I can absolutely PROMISE you that. What you are doing is attacking the whistleblower, and that is shameful, vengeful and arrogant.[/quote]
You can promise me you know my friend more than I do....

Wow. I thought is read if all on MN.

I'm hardly attacking her. She asked the question, because she knows what she did was wrong. I answered it. That's all.

@duodunical

One poster repeating their view dozens of times isn't as compelling as dozens of posters stating their opinion once.

I expect Butwasitherdriveway will return soon to tell me I'm mistaken.....and arrogant.

No, because you're not either of those things

@Parkerwhereareyou

Please tell me you are male

[quote Onthedunes]@Parkerwhereareyou

Please tell me you are male [/quote]
Why?!

I feel strongly about it because someone I knew was told in this manner and if absolutely destroyed her life.

The manner she was told absolutely destoyed her life?

You're projecting one person's neuroses/fixation onto every other person in this scenario. There are many many people who've found out about infidelity anonymously (and I think op wasn't even completely anonymously) and whose lives haven't been "destroyed" so why does your acquaintance - who appears to have transposed the disclosure onto the infidelity (to somehow become as it more important/traumatic) and whose character & circumstance are such that she considers her life destroyed by her partners infidelity .(which many many victims of infidelity do not feel, after a reasonable period)... Have to be held up as a reason to dictate that noone should ever disclose infidelity anonymously or with the slightest natural anger or ire.

She asked the question, because she knows what she did was wrong

She doesn't, she thought it was stupid and felt ashamed.

Most posters on this thread reassured her that it was not stupid and that she shouldn't feel ashamed.

You're the only one who has hammered her, on and on and on, because your mate's believed her life was "destroyed" by finding out about her partner's infidelity anonymously o
(or from ow who was angry/vengeful).

So one woman's irrationality and inability to recover from infidelity over time should dictate everyone else's behaviour.

@MarshmallowAra

I feel strongly about it because someone I knew was told in this manner and if absolutely destroyed her life.

The manner she was told absolutely destoyed her life?

You're projecting one person's neuroses/fixation onto every other person in this scenario. There are many many people who've found out about infidelity anonymously (and I think op wasn't even completely anonymously) and whose lives haven't been "destroyed" so why does your acquaintance - who appears to have transposed the disclosure onto the infidelity (to somehow become as it more important/traumatic) and whose character & circumstance are such that she considers her life destroyed by her partners infidelity .(which many many victims of infidelity do not feel, after a reasonable period)... Have to be held up as a reason to dictate that noone should ever disclose infidelity anonymously or with the slightest natural anger or ire.

Yes. The manner.

She doesn't. She just makes my opinion my opinion. It's really not a hard concept to understand. I'm not the posters claiming they would want to know therefore everyone does.

Yes. The manner.

If your acquaintance believes her life has been ruined by the manner in which her partner's ow disclosed his infidelity, then she needs psychological help.

And your judgement in pushing an agenda based on that is very questionable too.

And because we are all obsessed with sisterhood, we are overlooking the admission made by OP that she was drunk and pissed off and felt like causing trouble. That is not a kind action , it's not in the wife's best interest (whether it turns out to be is a different thing ) and it shouldn't be applauded. IMO.

It's nothing to do with being obsessed with sisterhood. I'd welcome the information from the husband of the OW if that was the situation. I wouldn't care if he's doing it so my husband suffers the consequences...what matters (to me) is the truth.

I wouldn't be bothered about thr motivation, or her drunken state because I'm concerned with facts, not emotions.

It is absolutely in my best interests to know that my husband is behaving this way

The only situation where I wouldn't applaud, but would still want to know as the wife, is where the OW knew he was married and only decided to get a conscience and tell the wife when he dumped her. A clear case of sour grapes, when she was more than happy to be part of the betrayal.

@SandyY2K

And because we are all obsessed with sisterhood, we are overlooking the admission made by OP that she was drunk and pissed off and felt like causing trouble. That is not a kind action , it's not in the wife's best interest (whether it turns out to be is a different thing ) and it shouldn't be applauded. IMO.

It's nothing to do with being obsessed with sisterhood. I'd welcome the information from the husband of the OW if that was the situation. I wouldn't care if he's doing it so my husband suffers the consequences...what matters (to me) is the truth.

I wouldn't be bothered about thr motivation, or her drunken state because I'm concerned with facts, not emotions.

It is absolutely in my best interests to know that my husband is behaving this way

The only situation where I wouldn't applaud, but would still want to know as the wife, is where the OW knew he was married and only decided to get a conscience and tell the wife when he dumped her. A clear case of sour grapes, when she was more than happy to be part of the betrayal.

You're concerned with facts because this is a hypothetical situation

If it actually happened to you, I think you'd be dealing in emotions.

Please don't report butwasitherdriveway's post .... It perfectly demonstrates her character and mental state.

@MarshmallowAra

Please don't report butwasitherdriveway's post .... It perfectly demonstrates her character and mental state.

They can report away. I stand by it. Your comment was vile. And so was that one.

I mean the one calling a poster idiot.

They can report away. I stand by it. Your comment was vile. And so was that one.

I was telling them not to report.

And you're calling me an idiot.

No, it wasn't.

How many posters have you been arguing with in this thread?

It must be double figures by now.

Most have had the sense not to continue engaging with you, I think I'll join their number.

There’s too many women that are all so happy to turn a blind eye.

It’s always the woman isn’t it!

Thanks for the tip, il pass it on.

Get some for yourself too. Good luck.

@MarshmallowAra

I mean the one calling a poster idiot.

I know which one you meant. I stand by it.