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Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 15:06

@Butwasitherdriveway
And because we are all obsessed with sisterhood, we are overlooking the admission made by OP that she was drunk and pissed off and felt like causing trouble. That is not a kind action , it's not in the wife's best interest (whether it turns out to be is a different thing ) and it shouldn't be applauded. IMO.

Well said. I agree.

@Onthedunes
Please tell me you are male

This is just off the wall! No, I'm extremely female. And absolutely opposed to people having affairs and wrecking their families. BUT that doesn't mean to say that I think this OP in this situation did good.

I don't think it's very sisterly to start calling women 'male' if they have a different opinion to you. Is it?

Anyhow, right now @Butwasitherdriveway feels more like a sister than some others. So I felt I must speak up and back her up.

I honestly believe that sometimes it's better not knowing. Not because I facilitate lying cheating bastards/whores/etc. Just because I think family is so important that breaking it up is a gigantic deal. I think the lying/cheating/etc. is so not worth trashing lives for.

Of course I get the argument that he's trashed it - yes, he has. He promised. He was supposed to protect his family. He fucked up by lying to the OP and stringing her along, so she couldn't cope when she found out and now it's all blown up.

He lied to everyone. He's beyond awful. I totally agree.

BUT. In all of that, if there had been a way of his family not getting blown up too, then I'd have considered it.

The problem is OP didn't know anything. She thought he was free and going to live with her. He tricked her vilely.

Actually what this little flurry here was about was should third parties weigh in to someone else's family and 'set it all straight'. And that someone could promise that this wife is better off devastated now than if she'd lived happily ever after with the DH and never known.

I'm honestly not trying to be inflammatory but my judgement can't change - I think that if the option of never ever finding out is on the table, then that's better. Emotionally. For the wife.

I suspect, though, we aren't all going to agree on this! : )

guest2013 · 08/04/2021 15:09

You don't know these people, how they will react, whether they're violent or ANYTHING about their relationship. You haven't done this because you care about the wife. You've done it because you were hurt. And god knows what trouble you've now caused.

Butwasitherdriveway · 08/04/2021 15:14

@guest2013

You don't know these people, how they will react, whether they're violent or ANYTHING about their relationship. You haven't done this because you care about the wife. You've done it because you were hurt. And god knows what trouble you've now caused.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Butwasitherdriveway · 08/04/2021 15:14

[quote Parkerwhereareyou]**@Butwasitherdriveway
And because we are all obsessed with sisterhood, we are overlooking the admission made by OP that she was drunk and pissed off and felt like causing trouble. That is not a kind action , it's not in the wife's best interest (whether it turns out to be is a different thing ) and it shouldn't be applauded. IMO.

Well said. I agree.

@Onthedunes
Please tell me you are male

This is just off the wall! No, I'm extremely female. And absolutely opposed to people having affairs and wrecking their families. BUT that doesn't mean to say that I think this OP in this situation did good.

I don't think it's very sisterly to start calling women 'male' if they have a different opinion to you. Is it?

Anyhow, right now @Butwasitherdriveway feels more like a sister than some others. So I felt I must speak up and back her up.

I honestly believe that sometimes it's better not knowing. Not because I facilitate lying cheating bastards/whores/etc. Just because I think family is so important that breaking it up is a gigantic deal. I think the lying/cheating/etc. is so not worth trashing lives for.

Of course I get the argument that he's trashed it - yes, he has. He promised. He was supposed to protect his family. He fucked up by lying to the OP and stringing her along, so she couldn't cope when she found out and now it's all blown up.

He lied to everyone. He's beyond awful. I totally agree.

BUT. In all of that, if there had been a way of his family not getting blown up too, then I'd have considered it.

The problem is OP didn't know anything. She thought he was free and going to live with her. He tricked her vilely.

Actually what this little flurry here was about was should third parties weigh in to someone else's family and 'set it all straight'. And that someone could promise that this wife is better off devastated now than if she'd lived happily ever after with the DH and never known.

I'm honestly not trying to be inflammatory but my judgement can't change - I think that if the option of never ever finding out is on the table, then that's better. Emotionally. For the wife.

I suspect, though, we aren't all going to agree on this! : )[/quote]
😘

DiamondBright · 08/04/2021 15:14

Anyone who's been cheated on will tell you they'd rather know, you've given the wife space to think, plan and prepare herself to deal with this, however she sees fit. Just don't tell him you've told her.

Butwasitherdriveway · 08/04/2021 15:15

@DiamondBright

Anyone who's been cheated on will tell you they'd rather know, you've given the wife space to think, plan and prepare herself to deal with this, however she sees fit. Just don't tell him you've told her.
Given it was written under the influence, I doubt it was well written.

For all we know the wife may have told the husband, he's told her she's talking bollocks and it's all done with by this point.

DoubleTweenQueen · 08/04/2021 15:18

@Butwasitherdriveway I know the exchanges have become a bit heated, and I haven't read them all, but I just wanted to ask you - what do you think OP should have done in the circumstances? Do you think she should have just walked away from it all, and not exposed the man's appalling behaviour? Would there be a better way to inform his wife?
Apologies if this has already been covered.

nitsandwormsdodger · 08/04/2021 15:19

He cheated it wasn't a "stupid misjudgement"

DiamondBright · 08/04/2021 15:20

That's up to the wife, she can choose to believe him, I chose to believe all sorts of BS when I didn't want to see the truth.

Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 16:22

@Butwasitherdriveway 🙏💋

@

Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 16:24

@DoubleTweenQueen
*
Do you think she should have just walked away from it all, and not exposed the man's appalling behaviour
*
Yes.

I think she should have pretended he'd never existed. It was only six months. And thankfully not the rest of her life.

DoubleTweenQueen · 08/04/2021 16:33

@Parkerwhereareyou But then the husband will just find someone else? And carry on the deceit with someone else? Maybe go ahead with a physical affair?
For myself, I would rather know, and deal with it in whatever way I though best. I wouldn't want to be oblivious. I suppose everyone's different.

Onthedunes · 08/04/2021 16:54

[quote Parkerwhereareyou]@DoubleTweenQueen
*
Do you think she should have just walked away from it all, and not exposed the man's appalling behaviour
*
Yes.

I think she should have pretended he'd never existed. It was only six months. And thankfully not the rest of her life.

[/quote]
And everyone lived happily ever after.....

The end.

Onthedunes · 08/04/2021 18:46

Meanwhile in the land of progress, do you not think about the bigger picture?

This man will clearly be sticking his dick in some other woman and then coming home and sticking it in his wife.
Most women I know would not be keen on that, but each to their own.

You say you dissagree with cheating bastards and affairs and non monogamous relationships ....do you?
How do you intend to change mens opinions and behaviours if there are women who agree with turning a blind eye.

Do you think society has progressed enough?
If it wasn't for women stating their rights we would still be being beaten lawfully in the home, we would not own property, we would have no right to education, to vote, and to choose the sexual preferences we have a right to.
Do you think any of these were achieved by shutting up and putting up.?

Do you think women are treated better than say the dark ages, when some waif could just be dragged off the road and raped?, how do you think societies progress.?

If you do not wish men to progress out of their animalist behavoiur, keep making excuses up for them.

Do you think progress in domestic abuse would have been had, if society had just turned a blind eye, if it wasn't for the brave women who escaped and changed views politically and socially.
I for one do not trust men to protect the interests of women and if nobody ever put their head above the parapet nothing would change.

And don't get me going on the biological aspect of why this man's reproductive activities should stop, he's a dud, a man whose genetic make up can't even achieve to honour a contract, ie marriage, for the benefit of his own offspring.

I could go on but I'm sure you get the gist.
I actually think that what the op did was very brave and wish more women had the guts to stand up to the maltreatment of women.

There will always be casualties where progress is made but if you think this one example will prevent his wife from being unhappy I think you are sadly mistaken.

Butwasitherdriveway · 08/04/2021 18:58

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@Butwasitherdriveway I know the exchanges have become a bit heated, and I haven't read them all, but I just wanted to ask you - what do you think OP should have done in the circumstances? Do you think she should have just walked away from it all, and not exposed the man's appalling behaviour? Would there be a better way to inform his wife?
Apologies if this has already been covered.[/quote]
Don't be daft.

Personally? I don't think she should have told him.
But even if we are taking the line that she should, because in the real world o understand people think differently, despite those who claim they speak for all women, I'd have a lot more support if she did so patiently and calmly with a cool head with this woman's best interests at heart. Not a drunken vengeful fuck you pal and who cares if she gets heart. Those who say well it's better for her long term are no better.

Butwasitherdriveway · 08/04/2021 19:00

@Onthedunes

Meanwhile in the land of progress, do you not think about the bigger picture?

This man will clearly be sticking his dick in some other woman and then coming home and sticking it in his wife.
Most women I know would not be keen on that, but each to their own.

You say you dissagree with cheating bastards and affairs and non monogamous relationships ....do you?
How do you intend to change mens opinions and behaviours if there are women who agree with turning a blind eye.

Do you think society has progressed enough?
If it wasn't for women stating their rights we would still be being beaten lawfully in the home, we would not own property, we would have no right to education, to vote, and to choose the sexual preferences we have a right to.
Do you think any of these were achieved by shutting up and putting up.?

Do you think women are treated better than say the dark ages, when some waif could just be dragged off the road and raped?, how do you think societies progress.?

If you do not wish men to progress out of their animalist behavoiur, keep making excuses up for them.

Do you think progress in domestic abuse would have been had, if society had just turned a blind eye, if it wasn't for the brave women who escaped and changed views politically and socially.
I for one do not trust men to protect the interests of women and if nobody ever put their head above the parapet nothing would change.

And don't get me going on the biological aspect of why this man's reproductive activities should stop, he's a dud, a man whose genetic make up can't even achieve to honour a contract, ie marriage, for the benefit of his own offspring.

I could go on but I'm sure you get the gist.
I actually think that what the op did was very brave and wish more women had the guts to stand up to the maltreatment of women.

There will always be casualties where progress is made but if you think this one example will prevent his wife from being unhappy I think you are sadly mistaken.

Do only men cheat then? Would all of you be rushing to tell your friends husbands if they did it?
Sandra15 · 08/04/2021 19:16

@Onthedunes
If it wasn't for women stating their rights we would still be being beaten lawfully in the home, we would not own property, we would have no right to education, to vote, and to choose the sexual preferences we have a right to. Do you think any of these were achieved by shutting up and putting up.?

I've just written a 100,000 word book about precisely this. Caroline Norton was a bloody heroine. She would have told the wife in this instance, I can tell you.

DoubleTweenQueen · 08/04/2021 20:08

@Butwasitherdriveway Yes, I think alcohol doesn't help with judgement. I understand the OP was hurt, but nothing compared to what the wife will be dealing with, I'm sure

Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 20:17

Do only men cheat then? Would all of you be rushing to tell your friends husbands if they did it?
@Butwasitherdriveway
I was just about to say this. If a woman confided in her friend that she had met a 'lovely guy' who made her feel good, then so many female friends would tolerate it and say she deserved it, and say she was only doing it because her husband was rubbish in some way. They'd even facilitate, help with lying etc.

This is a two-way street. Or should be.

Butwasitherdriveway · 08/04/2021 20:40

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@Butwasitherdriveway Yes, I think alcohol doesn't help with judgement. I understand the OP was hurt, but nothing compared to what the wife will be dealing with, I'm sure[/quote]
Quite. But apparently it's fine for her to hurt someone else and pretend it was a good thing to do.

It's strange that women who claim to want to protect women are perfectly okay with the actions of a woman who has made it clear she doesn't give two shiny shits about the wife and just wanted to cause pain

@Parkerwhereareyou of course they would. On MN affairs are okay because it just be the man's fault in some way

Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 21:04

@Butwasitherdriveway

  • @Parkerwhereareyou of course they would. On MN affairs are okay because it just be the man's fault in some way*

Personally I think I only know of affairs that were more the woman's than the man's fault. In almost every case the woman was single and decided she wanted the man to leave his wife and be with her. That's very aggressive behaviour in my mind.

Yes the man was complicit but actually the woman was leading it. I don't even have words to describe how I hate the female experience being hyjacked by a lobby which says it's always the man's fault, and refuses to acknowledge female misogyny, massive disrespect for other women, and all sorts of atrocious behaviour in between.

This ISN"T the case with OP as she didn't know. But in the moment when she told the wife, she wanted to cause HIM maximum pain, wanted to get him in trouble, and the wife was nobody - just a force to turn against him.

Women can be awful. Ok. Here it comes. I actually mostly prefer men to women. I'm choosy over the men I like, but even choosier over the women.

Onthedunes · 08/04/2021 21:05

@Parkerwhereareyou

Do only men cheat then? Would all of you be rushing to tell your friends husbands if they did it? *@Butwasitherdriveway* I was just about to say this. If a woman confided in her friend that she had met a 'lovely guy' who made her feel good, then so many female friends would tolerate it and say she deserved it, and say she was only doing it because her husband was rubbish in some way. They'd even facilitate, help with lying etc.

This is a two-way street. Or should be.

And men don't do this also, help their friends to cheat?

This man hurt the op and his wife. He falsly advertised himself as a single male wishing to form a relationship with another woman, she had incentive to call him out, if the boot was on the other foot, ie, a woman was online dating when she was married, it would not bother me if her OM contacted her husband, why would it.

Friends do not get hurt by other friends having sex outside of the marriage but they do judge. Society judges and rightly so.

My point is that in a civilised society, change happens by victims standing up to perpatrators, if you do not question the status quo then change doesn't happen, ever.
Men do not wish change, if there are no consequenses, men will feel it is their right to hurt whoever they want in the home by sheer physical superiority.

You state keeping the family together at all costs, is that at the detriment of a woman's mental and emotional health.

Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 21:14

@Onthedunes

You state keeping the family together at all costs, is that at the detriment of a woman's mental and emotional health.

Yes, this was the whole point. Her mental and emotional health would not have been affected at all, would have been protected, had the OP not got (rightly) fucked off and (unfortunately) off her face and told her everything.

She didn't deserve him to do this, but she also didn't deserve to have to know about it.

Onthedunes · 08/04/2021 21:27

@Parkerwhereareyou

Yes I suppose ignorance is bliss Confused

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 08/04/2021 21:41

@Parkerwhereareyou

So, in other words, it's better to let people live in blissful ignorance? Hmm

If you know someone is cheating, be it your friend cheating on her husband or the guy you're seeing cheating on his wife, the only right thing is to tell them.
Should it be done when you're drunk and angry? Probably not.
Does it matter if it was done when drunk and angry? Absofuckinglutely not. The end result it the same and the person being cheated on gets to choose what they want the rest of their life to be like.

No one deserves to be lied to. Especially not about something as big as this.