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Original poster

Partner wont put me on mortgage

314 replies

Mynewusername1 · 01/04/2021 19:43

Would you expect your partner to put your name on the mortgage if you were in a long term relationship?
oh says its his money as hes worked hard he has a degree etc and saved up deposit
I work but only earn min wage not educated but pay towards bills food & holidays etc...

OP posts:
SecretThermalsAreTheBest · 01/04/2021 22:12

Depends if you actively gave up a high earning career or purposely chose a low-earning career in order to have your children then yes... But not necessarily. I guess the fact you have children then maybe yes more than otherwise you should be on it because by definition you're planning a shared future and have committed to raising the children together...

BUT my partner is not on my mortgage and I won't be putting him on it. We've been together 4 years and plan to stay together permanently - but because he's chosen to follow an artistic pursuit he now earns very little, when he could have had a higher-earning career. I, by contrast, sacrificed loads, worked like a dog to facilitate getting my mortgage and postponed my artistic dreams to get us some security...

If at some point he can contribute a chunk of money, or can earn enough to facilitate us getting somewhere bigger, THEN he will have earned the right to be on the mortgage.

WisnaeMe · 01/04/2021 22:12

Stop paying the bills, this is not your home OP. Any man that can kick his kids out into the street and make them destitute is scum.

🌸

PanamaPattie · 01/04/2021 22:15

What are you going to do OP? He won't marry you and he owns the house. He holds all the cards.

SandyY2K · 01/04/2021 22:15

There are 2 issues here.

  1. Being on the mortgage
  2. It's not a good relationship and he doesn't respect you

Even with kids, I don't think you should go on the mortgage as you're not married.

The sooner people stop dismissing marriage as just a piece of paper the better.

Pbur · 01/04/2021 22:19

Yes in many countries you become a refacto married couple after cohabiting for X number of years, and the property you live in is “relationship property”. This is to protect women in this exact situation. Shocking that some posters feel that the mother of his children has no right to the relationship property.

CayrolBaaaskin · 01/04/2021 22:19

@SandyY2K - why shouldn’t she “go on the mortgage” because they’re not married? What difference does that make to whether she can own part of the property she lives in if she contributed towards it?

CayrolBaaaskin · 01/04/2021 22:21

@Pbur - why should the other parent of children have a right to your property? I think we do need better child support, even the right to take assets into account but being the other parent isn’t enough on its own

Teentitansonloop · 01/04/2021 22:25

any loving partner and father would want to make sure his partner and children had a secure home. He is being a completely selfish dick. He could of course 'let you go on the mortgage' and you could pay into it and would add least have some sort of stake in your own future.

canigooutyet · 01/04/2021 22:27

If we had relationship property, I wouldn't live with any partner unless I could protect my assets.
Wills are only as good as long as they aren't changed.

Wanderlust20 · 01/04/2021 22:27

I was about to say yes you should be on the mortgage - I had a joint mortgage with my ex even though he came up with the deposit (I was a student at the time). But actually, our circumstances were very different from yours in that we did split the mortgage and bills 50/50, after I graduated and got a full time job (which wasn't too long after we bought the house). So he's probably not being unreasonable, sorry!

Harriedharriet · 01/04/2021 22:28

This with bells on it. Start (quietly) saving very aggressively.
Manage wisely what money/income you have. Bills on % of earnings, same with all child realted expenses.
Check your credit rating and create a plan for getting your own mortgage. Do this even if you marry him.
Equal childcare from now on - you need to really focus on builing up your employability. Also children can be very draining so you need free time to get your creativity flowing.
I do not think you should show your hand just yet. Make a timeline and stick to it - give yourself a year or something to put everything in motion (including marriage of you still want it). It may be easier to do all that without being homeless or in a hostel.
Most of all op - GOODLUCK.

diwrnachoflleyn · 01/04/2021 22:28

@Pbur

Yes in many countries you become a refacto married couple after cohabiting for X number of years, and the property you live in is “relationship property”. This is to protect women in this exact situation. Shocking that some posters feel that the mother of his children has no right to the relationship property.
They have a right, it's called marriage. Or you walk away. You have agency over your own life.
canigooutyet · 01/04/2021 22:29

So are all the women on here selfish arseholes because they are doing the same as the ops bloke? Protecting their assets whilst living with the partners of their children?

Wanderlust20 · 01/04/2021 22:29

Sorry, seems there's been more info and I didn't RTFT! Hope you're OK OP x

Opentooffers · 01/04/2021 22:32

Go back to work full time, he can pay the childcare costs necessary so that you can do that. Do not pay anything towards the mortgage. By all means pay half the bills, but only if he pays half of the cost of bringing up your children. Food bill split also - plus he has to shop for it as much as you when you go full time, or have it delivered. Housework - split 50/50. Then save like mad, till you get enough for a deposit, at which point you can leave and he can pay you CMS Wink

FinallyHere · 01/04/2021 22:35

For the partner whose career has taken a hit to give birth to and card for DC, this is an argument in favour of getting married.

Sorry.

PurpleRainDancer · 01/04/2021 22:35

@HavelockVetinari

No, not unless we had DC together and I'd taken time out to raise them and enable him to rise in his career. Just living with someone doesn't entitle you to a share of their assets!
This. You need to review your relationship are you partners or are you a lodger?
EarthSight · 01/04/2021 22:35

@StephenBelafonte

We have dc but he says i wanted them :-

In that case, he's a bit of a cunt isn't he? Leaving you to take the financial hit for the kids whilst he gets on and builds himself a nice little pile of assets, safe in the knowledge he's getting easy access to sex, children raised for free, financial help running the house and domestic chores carried out.

@StephenBelafonte Yeah.....it's a bit difficult to argue with that.

It sounds like he might have turned himself into a victim in this situation in his own mind. It doesn't sound like something a loving father would say, does it? Also I think it's bad that he hasn't even tried to be a co-owner with you because I think that having it this way suits him. He owns the roof over your head. That's quite a power card that he holds there, don't you think.

I sense resentment, bitterness, mistrust coming from this situation, and feel he's not operating with you as a team. Instead of seeing you as one big unit, he sees himself on one side of the line and you and the kids on the other. Where's the togetherness in this relationship?

costco · 01/04/2021 22:37

@JellyBabiesFan well if she wasn’t with t his man twat she wouldn’t have his kids , either. He seems to think they’re like having a couple of dogs and the OP is or was quite unaware of the legal situation she is in. She’s basically in a financially abusive relationship and is losing money every days he’s with him.

Redburnett · 01/04/2021 22:37

Just get marrried, then you will have an entitlement to the family assets. Don't waste money on an expensive wedding, just do what is legally required. Covid is a good excuse to avoid lavish expense.
He is being totally unreasonable in thinking that he can keep his finances separate, you are a family unit.

Harriedharriet · 01/04/2021 22:39

@5zeds

Reduce your contribution to the cost of running the house so it is the same proportionally as his. Eg if he contributes half his income, so do you Then SAVE the rest till you have enough for the deposit on the cheapest property near you and buy it yourself and rent it out. This way you are on the property ladder too and have options if you ever want to leave.
This - or as close to this as you can get as quickly as you can. I would reduce your contributions further than half because i will bet that there has been a very unfair divide up to now.
Embracelife · 01/04/2021 22:41

@Mynewusername1

No all bill in his name, I just give him money towards them each month, The mortgage is cheap , cheaper than rent i know now i have been daft I didn’t realise at the time we had the children how important it was. he has kicked us out before and i had nothing so this time we are back together i do have savings incase it happens again ive told him my fears he says it wont happen again if we split up he will move out He says he didn’t kick us out i chose to leave but it was because of his behaviour
Why would he move put if you split? It is not your house You have no rights only your dc do He has to house the dc
costco · 01/04/2021 22:43

@canigooutyet yes he might have worked his arse off but clearly has no intention to spend any of that on his own children. The OP contributes to billls and holidays as well as doing all childcare and housework. Her partner gets a free housekeeper, nanny and sex buddy and can and will change her out for a new one whenever he fancies. She gets literallly nothin g out if this either emotionally or financially

PanamaPattie · 01/04/2021 22:43

It makes me laugh when you read "just get married", "tell him to pay for childcare" or "he can do 50/50 child care so you can get a job".

What if he says no?

ivfbabymomma1 · 01/04/2021 22:45

Me & my husband are married with a son. We pool our wages, he earns more & I work part time and he is still isn't on my mortgage 🙈 I will put him on one day but it was my house before we got together and I never went to lose it!