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Original poster

Partner wont put me on mortgage

314 replies

Mynewusername1 · 01/04/2021 19:43

Would you expect your partner to put your name on the mortgage if you were in a long term relationship?
oh says its his money as hes worked hard he has a degree etc and saved up deposit
I work but only earn min wage not educated but pay towards bills food & holidays etc...

OP posts:
EarthSight · 01/04/2021 22:45

@canigooutyet What about squatter's rights? Even when there are issues with landlords, even when there's no contract, they still can't just throw you out in 24hrs.

Harriedharriet · 01/04/2021 22:45

@nitsandwormsdodger

Ah you have kids.... well that changes everything Should have waited to have kids till after you had legals sorted
This is so utterly self indulgent.....
GreySkyClouds · 01/04/2021 22:47

@Mynewusername1

I only want to be on it or married so we dont have to move out again if things did go wrong, i would absolutely sign something to say he gets everything he’s put into it I just dont want to have to move the children again really if the worst happened again As last time we moved out with nothing
This sounds like financial abuse, if you’ve been homeless before. Maybe 3 choices: Get married. Do you want to be tied to him? Get on the mortgage. Put bills in your name too. Become independent. Doesn’t sound like you want this.
AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2021 22:47

No, I would NEVER put the name of someone I wasn't married to on a mortgage unless they had made an equal (or near equal) contribution to the down-payment and they were making half the monthly payment. If I don't love them enough (or trust them enough) to marry them, then I don't want joint ownership of a home.

If there were children involved I would make sure I had a will leaving the home in trust to my children until they reached age 25 with an appropriate trustee. I would assume this would be my partner unless I felt they wouldn't honor my wishes and sell it out from under them.

@Mynewusername1 Sounds to me as if your relationship is so rocky that you'd be much better off on your own. Work on increasing your earnings potential and GTFO for your own good.

WisnaeMe · 01/04/2021 22:48

@Pbur

Yes in many countries you become a refacto married couple after cohabiting for X number of years, and the property you live in is “relationship property”. This is to protect women in this exact situation. Shocking that some posters feel that the mother of his children has no right to the relationship property.

Common in Law

is not law in the UK

Coyoacan · 01/04/2021 22:48

No. And I wouldn’t be putting anyone’s name on my mortgage if they hadn’t contributed to it

Just one example of the abundance of misogyny on this thread. The OP is the mother of his children.

OP, personally I think you should plan for a life on your own away from this man as he obviously doesn't even have his own children's best interests at heart, let alone yours.

ChrissyPlummer · 01/04/2021 22:51

@canigooutyet and @SecretThermalsAreTheBest the OP mentions in the first post that she’s “not educated” so I’d assume (apologies if I’m wrong) that she didn’t have a degree/high earning career when her DP bought the house.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2021 22:53

I can see both sides. I can see absolutely why you want in on it, and I can also see why he wishes to protect his investment.

I don’t get why folks think your children would be made homeless if you split though, if the op is homeless then he needs to take full custody and they live with him full time, there is no need for the kids to be made homeless, they have two parents, not one.

I think his refusal to either marry you or have you on the mortgage tells you how he sees your relationship. It is not long term for him.

Littlepaws18 · 01/04/2021 22:53

When I met my partner we both had homes. I sold mine, moved into his. We discussed ownership and wrote a will outlining my worldly goods were his, his were mine. But we decided not to put me on the mortgage. This is his home, his equity. If we split I go simple. However we are due to marry this year and move home: our new home will be jointly ours and I will pay half the bills and mortgage. The first home was never mine, this one will be.

EarthSight · 01/04/2021 22:55

he has kicked us out before and i had nothing so this time we are back together i do have savings incase it happens again ive told him my fears he says it wont happen again if we split up he will move out. He says he didn’t kick us out i chose to leave but it was because of his behaviour

I don't think it's fair say that someone kicked you out unless they actually did or insisted that you leave the house. The phrase 'kicked out' is pretty powerful, especially when applied to a father 'kicking out' is wife & children. It invokes a strong response in most people, and if that's not what happened then I think it would be untruthful to say that phrasing. Besides, leaving because of horrible behaviour is enough justification. I wonder if that's why he never put your name on the house - he suspected one day that this would happens and he would be in control of the situation if he owned the house outright. It's possible that it's this upper-hand that's enabled him to behave like an arse.

NotAPanda · 01/04/2021 22:56

@PanamaPattie

It makes me laugh when you read "just get married", "tell him to pay for childcare" or "he can do 50/50 child care so you can get a job".

What if he says no?

OP will have to do her planning on the sly with no support - but it will be worth it as this twat isn’t reliable!
costco · 01/04/2021 23:01

There are all these annoying answers that seem to have some fantasy image of this man as someone who either knows or cares what his responsibilities are. He hasn’t married her, he won’t, and as for all this «just ask him to look after them more». Seriously he doesn’t give a flying fck and is just pleased that this woman puts up with his horrible behaviour because she thinks she has no other options. To an extent she’s right but there are still some things she can put in place - not involving asking him for anything as that is pointless.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 01/04/2021 23:03

If you are not paying towards the mortgage no. If you are only paying towards bills and food that is not paying half the mortgage.

If you were to go shared ownership then their contribution should be ring fenced.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2021 23:05

@Coyoacan

No. And I wouldn’t be putting anyone’s name on my mortgage if they hadn’t contributed to it

Just one example of the abundance of misogyny on this thread. The OP is the mother of his children.

OP, personally I think you should plan for a life on your own away from this man as he obviously doesn't even have his own children's best interests at heart, let alone yours.

I'm a heterosexual woman so the person whose name I wouldn't put on the mortgage would be a man and in the OP's situation the father of my children.

Where is the misogyny in that?

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2021 23:05

@PanamaPattie

It makes me laugh when you read "just get married", "tell him to pay for childcare" or "he can do 50/50 child care so you can get a job".

What if he says no?

Then you make a choice whether to continue in a relationship.

What’s not clear about that?

He says no, you leave.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2021 23:09

he has kicked us out before and i had nothing so this time we are back together i do have savings incase it happens again ive told him my fears he says it wont happen again if we split up he will move out. He says he didn’t kick us out i chose to leave but it was because of his behaviour

Which was it, did he kick you out or did you leave voluntarily? And why did you go back?

He clearly is not certain this relationship has a future and he’s providing a secure home for him and the children whatever happens in your relationship, he is not providing one for you on the same basis, only whilst you remain together will he provide you a home. Hopefully if you left, with your earnings and child support you’d be able to house yourself.

I think if my relationship was so bad I didn’t wish to marry my partner and the parent of my children I’d not put him on my mortgage either. That would be kinda stupid to be honest.

Shortiemyboo · 01/04/2021 23:10

100% I could not be with someone who has this attitude.

ferando81 · 01/04/2021 23:10

His comments about “well you wanted kids “is quite horrible .You need to find out if he really loves you because comments like that suggest that the family don’t mean much to him.
I would suggest to him he needs to put something legal in place to ensure that you and the children are not homeless if he died.If he isn’t prepared to do this I would say you are on very dodgy ground

canigooutyet · 01/04/2021 23:13

[quote EarthSight]@canigooutyet What about squatter's rights? Even when there are issues with landlords, even when there's no contract, they still can't just throw you out in 24hrs.[/quote]
Squatting inside a residential building is illegal unless the squatter owns, rents or has lawful permission to occupy it as far as I know

It has been decades since I squatted I just remember the landlord finding out and within days I had court appointed bailiffs kicking me out. Had a couple of minutes to grab things before the metal things went on the Windows and doors. Not a nice experience and thankfully before I had children as I wouldn't have wanted to put them through it.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2021 23:15

@ferando81

His comments about “well you wanted kids “is quite horrible .You need to find out if he really loves you because comments like that suggest that the family don’t mean much to him. I would suggest to him he needs to put something legal in place to ensure that you and the children are not homeless if he died.If he isn’t prepared to do this I would say you are on very dodgy ground
That doesn’t quite work, there’s a mortgage on the property and rhe op is unlikely to be able to afford it. So she may be able to access any equity that is on the property but it’s possible it would not be enough.

The op is a grown up though. She is expected to provide for her kids if he passed.. Just like thousands of other single parents.

AcornAutumn · 01/04/2021 23:16

@Mynewusername1

No all bill in his name, I just give him money towards them each month, The mortgage is cheap , cheaper than rent i know now i have been daft I didn’t realise at the time we had the children how important it was. he has kicked us out before and i had nothing so this time we are back together i do have savings incase it happens again ive told him my fears he says it wont happen again if we split up he will move out He says he didn’t kick us out i chose to leave but it was because of his behaviour
Why stay with him?
cerealgamechanger · 01/04/2021 23:27

He's NBU.

May17th · 01/04/2021 23:34

I don’t know about this OP.

How many years have you dated? How many kids have you got together?

You have no security your first OP made it sound like you had no kids and you were just dating as a couple however that’s not the case you should be a family unit...seems not

AliceMcK · 01/04/2021 23:35

Definitely start putting as much money away as you can and have a plan in place in case he dose kick you out again. Maybe look at a help to buy ISA. Just don’t let him know what your doing.

Who pays childcare costs? If it’s you tell him he now has to contribute more so you can start to earn your own money. Or do you work around school hours! Tell him you are going to do more hours or find another job that pays better if you can. You have a right to earn more money for yourself.

By the way just because he has a degree dose not make him any better than you. My DH has 2 and I didn’t even pass my GCSE’s but it dosnt mean I’m not as good as him, I have far more common sense, manage our finances better than him and just tonight kicked his ass at trivial pursuit AGAIN.

Good luck op x

May17th · 01/04/2021 23:38

@AliceMcK your post was bang on. Great advice.

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