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Original poster

Partner wont put me on mortgage

314 replies

Mynewusername1 · 01/04/2021 19:43

Would you expect your partner to put your name on the mortgage if you were in a long term relationship?
oh says its his money as hes worked hard he has a degree etc and saved up deposit
I work but only earn min wage not educated but pay towards bills food & holidays etc...

OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 01/04/2021 23:49

I wouldn’t either if I were him unless I was 100% sure this was someone I wanted to spend the crest if my life with.

Catra · 01/04/2021 23:52

No, I wouldn't expect my partner to put my name on the mortgage in a long-term relationship if he was paying that mortgage which was afforded by his deposit and his salary - especially if I wasn't paying anything towards it.

When I met my now husband I owned a house paid for with my deposit and salary. When he first moved in with me, he paid half the mortgage, but it didn't mean he had a claim on my house - he was paying less than he would to privately rent. We married and had children - 10 years on, his salary is 3 times mine, so he pays considerably more towards the mortgage and household bills accordingly. He's still not named on the mortgage, but we're married, so if we were to split (which we have zero intention of doing) he'd be entitled to his share.

Your partner sounds like an abusive nob, so, on one hand, it's a positive that you're not married, but on the other hand, it means you've put yourself in an extremely vulnerable position, having children with someone who refuses to offer you any security.

Treemama · 02/04/2021 00:05

My dh already had a house before we got married. Our first plan was for him to sell the house and we would buy a house together where we both would contribute with the same amount of deposit. The market wasn't in our favour so we stayed in the same house but I put my deposit money towards his current mortgage and he added my name to it after we got married.

timeisnotaline · 02/04/2021 00:10

My relationship would be dead instantly if my partner referred to the dc that way. If he doesn’t want them he doesn’t deserve to live with them. I appreciate you have finances to think through, and no claim on the house but I hope you can find a way to leave. I’m sorry, but there is pretty much no way you can leave and stay living in his house without having been married.
( If you have daughters make sure they understand when they are older what the consequences of having babies without the rights of being married can be.)

Osirus · 02/04/2021 00:28

I put my then DP on my mortgage years ago but there wasn’t much equity back then, and I owed him some money anyway for paying some debts off for me.

But, generally speaking, in your circumstances where he has saved all the deposit etc., I wouldn’t expect to be put on the mortgage unless married. Like it or not, being married is a different kind of commitment than just being a partner, kids or no kids.

You’re basically asking to have half of his assets, when you are legally not connected to him. You could be anyone in the eyes of the law.

Get married, if he’s willing.

Osirus · 02/04/2021 00:31

@RandomMess

I wouldn't want to be on the mortgage I'd want to be on the deeds though!

Sounds like he's not that committed to you.

Pretty much no lender would allow that.
Jux · 02/04/2021 00:43

If you've not been able to work to your full potential because you've been looking after the children then he's a cad a bounder and all sorts of shit for behaving like this with you. Does he know how much child care costs? Have you told him? Tell him to calculate how much money you've saved him by looking after the children for him. You could ask him the same question wrt housekeepers too. And chauffeurs for children (including cost of enhanced DBS). And personal shopper, and ... and ... and ...

bevm72yellow · 02/04/2021 00:56

You are subsidizing "his asset" by buying food/holidays and paying towards bills. You have nothing down on paper to protect your interests i.e. a house over your head and that of your children. Lots of women are in this situation because they do not put themselves first. He treats himself as No.1. If he died/unable to manage his own affairs due to incapacity you would have problems as regards inheritance (it would be affected by other next of kin being eligible). Even a percentage ownership of the family home would leave you in a less worse off position. So you ned to protect your own interests and that of "the children you wanted" .....but he will want to see them on his terms if you separated!
Wish you well and please ignore "women blaming" comments on some posts. Women not empowered or educated about self-interest. But you can change that for yourself.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2021 02:13

I've read all your posts, but not all the replies.

Your "partner" is a shithead. He's leaving you with zero security and your relationship doesn't sound stable, let alone good.

I understand that you don't have much money, and not enough to buy your own place - but you are very vulnerable, as you have realised.

With children, and the fact that he bought the place AFTER you got together (and after you had children?) then he's being very unfair and is not 100% committed to you or your kids (again obviously, as he's told you that YOU wanted them, indicating that he wasn't fussed/didn't want them)

I don't know what you do at this stage. He doesn't want to marry you, doesn't want to put you into a more secure position and seems rather iffy about parenting your DC - the obvious response would be to leave him and create your own stability, but that's already been tried and you had nothing, so unless you have some outside support, or have saved enough money to exit this trap, then I don't know what to suggest.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. Please try and get enough money together somehow to get away from him and create your own security.

Taikoo · 02/04/2021 02:47

Oh dear.
I take it that he doesn't want to get married to you.
You'd be better off to call it a day and move out with the kids.
But be prepared for the fact that he'll move in a new pair of knickers soon after.

MM321 · 02/04/2021 04:04

DP bought our house after we’d been together 3 years. He was a few years older than me and ready to get on the property ladder with a good deposit. I had just finished uni and been made redundant in the same week 🙄 had to wipe out my savings paying out of a lease I had on a flat in the city I had been working and studying in. I could never have got a mortgage at that stage but didn’t want to stop DP from getting on the ladder. I moved in straight away and have always paid half the mortgage. He added me to the mortgage about a year later but we had it written up that his initial deposit was protected - at my request, he just wanted it to be straight 50/50.
We are engaged and now have 1 DC. DP works offshore 4 weeks on/4 weeks off so I have given up my career to be a SAHM for now as it works best for my family and we can live on DPs salary. DP has removed the protection on his large deposit and everything is now just in joint names. If anything were to happen to him, he has a life insurance policy that pays the mortgage off and leaves enough of a lump sum that DC and I would be secure for a while! I didn’t have to ask him to do this...he knows that me stepping back from my career is allowing him to have his DC while having the working lifestyle that he does, and he has made sure that we are taken care of in any event.

I certainly don’t think your situation has you well enough covered OP and his comments about you wanting the children are pretty vile actually!

SimonJT · 02/04/2021 07:28

But be prepared for the fact that he'll move in a new pair of knickers soon after.

What a lovely way to refer to a woman Hmm

zzzebra · 02/04/2021 07:33

We did while we were living in the property he'd brought because we were together.

But when we moved we got joint mortgage. We both put money towards the deposit, but the amount he put in was higher because he had equity.

We put all out money into one account that bills come out of. I do earn enough to cover my half, but we don't really view it that way, it's joint money.

My husband new that this set up was a deal breaker for me and that I wouldn't consider trying for children until our finances were shared.

notanothersaveusername · 02/04/2021 08:55

I would be very careful with this man. He is putting you in the most vulnerable position ever. Not married, not on the mortgage and presumably not on the deeds. You have very little security and in the case of break up, you could end up homeless. You need to be on the deeds or get married. There is no such thing as a common law wife. Speak to someone at citizens advice on ways you can secure some stake in the house. I'm not sure how the children issue affects it all but none of it looks good.

Original poster
Mynewusername1 · 02/04/2021 09:00

Thanks ive read all replies and to answer some questions
Together 17 years
Both worked in min wage jobs when met
then he left employment to go to uni
I carried on working ft we rented I did pay more towards that than him
we sacrificed on holidays etc at the time
When he bought house I did say i wanted to buy in but he said no
i work around dc school hours so i can take them, collect them & look after them when they are off..

OP posts:
Original poster
Mynewusername1 · 02/04/2021 09:02

And he says he wants to grow old together so if he means that then whats the problem in getting married? if hes not planning on leaving or meeting someone else

OP posts:
katand2kits · 02/04/2021 09:06

He is taking you for a ride. I expect he has no intention of marrying you. When you split up, you will be entitled to nothing and he will have his house. If he was a decent man I'd say you should tell him you want to get married. But he isn't. So cut your losses and leave him.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 02/04/2021 09:06

Having read your updates, I would be inclined to leave him. He wants all the perks of a wife but without giving you any security. But I also would have left him back when he said no to you buying in.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2021 09:11

These are all words from him and words are cheap. What he has here with you suits him down to the ground; he has his own home whilst you clean his house run around after the kids (who likely have his surname too). He does not want to share anything with you. You left him once due to his behaviours and its likely you will need to do so again,

Moonstone1234 · 02/04/2021 09:12

Why oh why do women do this time and time again? Some women leave themselves so exposed and wonder why it all goes wrong in the end despite the warning signs. You have become trapped now.

LemonRoses · 02/04/2021 09:15

Absolutely. Without equality of access to all monies, you are not in a partnership, but are in more of a housekeeper and incubator.
Get married or reconsider your position and his commitment.

minou123 · 02/04/2021 09:30

I'm not sure what you are looking for Mynewusername1?

Poster after poster have explained you are in a very vulnerable position. And there is great advice on how to protect yourself.

If you are looking for advice on how to make him put you on the mortgage - there is none. There is nothing you can say or do to make him put you on the mortgage.

There is no magic words and nor is there any judge, police, law that can make him do it.

If he decides tomorrow he doesn't want you in his house and kick youout, he can. And you'll have no rights to the house.

Do I think he is a prick for not putting you on the mortgage? Of course I do. I don't think he is nice at all.

But that's just my opinion, it doesn't change the vulnerable situation you are in.

Hophopandaway · 02/04/2021 09:36

@Magnificentmug12

I would want to be on it if we had children together, but then I wouldn’t have children if I didn’t have a proper roof over my head, so you’ve been stupid there really.

You have 3 options.
Stay and hope he never kicks you out/cheats/your forced to tolerate abit behaviour
Leave and build yourself up (with kids in tow, no easy feat!)
Get married.

Women need to be educated better on what it actually means to have children!

I definitely agree with the last statement. But would include men in it too. I think in a lot of cases men are at best non plussed about children and take the opinion if it keeps the partner quiet then let her do everything and try to make sure it doesn't affect them. If by law men were forced to do half the childcare and if not pay their partner their hourly wage to look after them then a lot more men would be much less ambiguous about it and would probably say no.
Original poster
Mynewusername1 · 02/04/2021 09:36

Thank you @minou123 i suppose i was looking on others views to see if i was being unreasonable in what I wanted and my worries
I have read all the advice and deep down i know they are all right so i thank everyone for that

OP posts:
minou123 · 02/04/2021 09:48

@Mynewusername1

Thank you *@minou123* i suppose i was looking on others views to see if i was being unreasonable in what I wanted and my worries I have read all the advice and deep down i know they are all right so i thank everyone for that
I am quite worried for you, sorry if I came across harsh or blunt.

No, you're not being unreasonable in what you want.

I'm pleased you posted this thread, because unfortunately it is a position a lot of women find themselves in.

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