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Original poster

Partner wont put me on mortgage

314 replies

Mynewusername1 · 01/04/2021 19:43

Would you expect your partner to put your name on the mortgage if you were in a long term relationship?
oh says its his money as hes worked hard he has a degree etc and saved up deposit
I work but only earn min wage not educated but pay towards bills food & holidays etc...

OP posts:
BadLad · 02/04/2021 09:49

He doesn't sound nice at all. But if the relationship is as rocky as it sounds, and you have left / been kicked out once, he'd be mad to put you on his mortgage. I don't believe anyone would do that.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2021 09:56

@SimonJT

But be prepared for the fact that he'll move in a new pair of knickers soon after.

What a lovely way to refer to a woman Hmm

This made me shudder a bit too, ugh.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2021 09:58

So does he flat out say he doesn't want to get married to you OP?

What reason does he give? The old 'it's just a bit of paper'?

Original poster
Mynewusername1 · 02/04/2021 10:03

Yes or its just a party, @youvegottenminuteslynn

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 02/04/2021 10:06

Flowers op. This must be hard to read.

Please take on board the advice though and work on your financial security. Wishing you well

CayrolBaaaskin · 02/04/2021 10:07

Lol at all the “just get married” advice. You can’t marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you.

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/04/2021 10:07

If you had moved in with him when he already owned the house, I would say you were being unreasonable.

But you have been together a long time in a relationship akin to marriage and have DCs together. And he bought the house when you were already living together.

Of course you should expect to be on the mortgage and have an interest in the family property. You are a family unit with shared DCs, not just some random girlfriend. How the hell does he justify this in his head? You should've been on the mortgage from the very start.

I'm sorry OP. As others have said, you can't make him put you on the mortgage. You could threaten to leave him but a reasonable man wouldn't need that kind of threat to do the right thing. He's probably also the kind of man who would give up his job rather than pay child support in the event you did split up. He's a cunt.

TableFlowerss · 02/04/2021 10:09

@Mynewusername1

Thanks ive read all replies and to answer some questions Together 17 years Both worked in min wage jobs when met then he left employment to go to uni I carried on working ft we rented I did pay more towards that than him we sacrificed on holidays etc at the time When he bought house I did say i wanted to buy in but he said no i work around dc school hours so i can take them, collect them & look after them when they are off..
You shouldn’t drop feed because the answers will be different based on different circumstances.

I said I no wouldn’t put you on if I was him.... but I thought you’d just got together recently (under a year) I didn’t realise you’d been together 17 years!!

He’s an absolute knob!!! I completely agree with you and no way would I stay with him.

LolaSmiles · 02/04/2021 10:11

And he says he wants to grow old together so if he means that then whats the problem in getting married? if hes not planning on leaving or meeting someone else
Because right now he can have a relationship with you and walk away with all his assets if things go wrong.

In this country adults (rightly in my opinion) have the right to actively choose whether they want to merge finances and assets, or not. If they want to then they can do this through marriage or through legally drawing up ownership of property. If they choose not to then they can cohabit as two separate adults (again rightly in my opinion as I don't believe people should be forced to live alone in order to remain legally separate from another adult).

The problem in your relationship isn't whether you're on the mortgage or deeds for a property that he is financing. The issue is that he has treated you and your children appallingly.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2021 10:14

@Mynewusername1

Yes or its just a party, *@youvegottenminuteslynn*
Classic.

Well if it's just a piece of paper / a party he should be open to understanding the legal protection marriage affords you and the children, then can have a registry office signing without a traditional wedding. Two witnesses, no need for 'guests'.

If he still says no then he doesn't want you to be legally protected and you need to consider if you want to spend your life with someone who feels that way?

Personally, I want to be married and so if someone else didn't believe in marriage / didn't actively want to get married to me, I wouldn't be with them long term.

I realise that is hugely complicated by the fact you've had kids with him. Was he honest from the start about not wanting marriage?

I assume he did want the tradition of the kids having his last name though? Cherry picking tradition when and how it suits him.

bugontree · 02/04/2021 11:32

@StephenBelafonte

We have dc but he says i wanted them :-

In that case, he's a bit of a cunt isn't he? Leaving you to take the financial hit for the kids whilst he gets on and builds himself a nice little pile of assets, safe in the knowledge he's getting easy access to sex, children raised for free, financial help running the house and domestic chores carried out.

100% this.
bugontree · 02/04/2021 11:43

I just can't get over how selfish some men are. They just refuse to think long enough to understand how the woman in their life is saving them money and freeing up time for their career. They don't want to acknowledge this so that they can shaft their partner whenever they want and pretend they have a clear conscience as it was 'their' money that 'they' worked for.
It just happens over and over again. It is disgusting.

JackieeWeaver · 02/04/2021 11:47

No. That's really entitled!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2021 14:16

@JackieeWeaver

No. That's really entitled!
You might want to do the OP the courtesy of reading all her posts before you jump in with your judgemental response.
Canigooutyet · 02/04/2021 14:22

To be fair would have helped if the ops had posted the relevant stuff to begin with. Instead we have a number of massive drip feeds.

ChrissyPlummer · 02/04/2021 14:52

@bugontree the thing is though as a couple of pp have mentioned, some men aren’t that bothered about having DC. They do it as the women they’re with want to and then they just shrug and say “well, it’s what YOU wanted”. They are also (from what I’ve seen/read) more likely to outsource help in the form of childminders/cleaners/nannies so they don’t have to give up their careers. They would have been quite happy to NOT have DC and to have their wife/partner still working FT. Not all men of course, but it’s something seen on here time and time again.

Similar to DH & I with housework; I can’t stand it so he does it all (he is retired, I work FT). If he was not here, I’d just pay someone else to do it.

Pbur · 02/04/2021 17:01

[quote CayrolBaaaskin]@Pbur - why should the other parent of children have a right to your property? I think we do need better child support, even the right to take assets into account but being the other parent isn’t enough on its own[/quote]
The defacto couples law applies with or without children, the test is if you have been living together for three or more years. It is in place to recognise the equal contributions of two people in a partnership, so that non financial contributions are valued on the same footing. You are able to opt out and have a relationship property agreement that is different from the 50:50 split under the law though. If you have children in the mix and separate, then the split might favour the partner who has less earning potential in the future. It’s designed to ensure protection in relationships with or without marriage - but as I say, you can opt out with your own agreement if you want to.

Pbur · 02/04/2021 17:05

@bugontree

I just can't get over how selfish some men are. They just refuse to think long enough to understand how the woman in their life is saving them money and freeing up time for their career. They don't want to acknowledge this so that they can shaft their partner whenever they want and pretend they have a clear conscience as it was 'their' money that 'they' worked for. It just happens over and over again. It is disgusting.
Some other countries recognise this and don’t leave it up to the man to value the non financial contributions to the partnership, they have laws that protect women should the relationship end, so they’re not left with nothing!
WisnaeMe · 02/04/2021 17:05

The defacto couples law applies with or without children, the test is if you have been living together for three or more years. It is in place to recognise the equal contributions of two people in a partnership, so that non financial contributions are valued on the same footing. You are able to opt out and have a relationship property agreement that is different from the 50:50 split under the law though. If you have children in the mix and separate, then the split might favour the partner who has less earning potential in the future. It’s designed to ensure protection in relationships with or without marriage - but as I say, you can opt out with your own agreement if you want to.

where is this Law ?

LolaSmiles · 02/04/2021 17:19

Some other countries recognise this and don’t leave it up to the man to value the non financial contributions to the partnership, they have laws that protect women should the relationship end, so they’re not left with nothing!
Aka some other countries decide to remove an adult's ability to happily cohabit with another adult without de facto handing over their assets because some other adults don't get clued up and take responsibility for their own finances.

Just look at the hundreds of threads on here where posters advise women to think very carefully before becoming financially dependent on a man without marriage. Every single time you get the same old replies:
here come the smug marrieds
marriage is just a piece of paper
DP and I have been together for 17 years and we know 3 couples who have got divorced. Marriage doesn't mean everything
Even if it all goes wrong, he can't kick you out of the house because you have children/you have the right to stay in the house till the children are 18
Don't worry about all the naysayers who think you need a party to be happy. You know your DP and he sounds like a good guy.
They're just jealous that you've got a good guy who supports you staying at home when they have to go to work.
You have children together and that's a much bigger commitment than marriage
Hmm

Apparently it's ever so negative and awful to suggest women wise up and take control of their finances. Financial independence is just so uncool to some people.

Then you see the hundreds of threads like this, or worse ones when a woman has given up her career and earning potential, and people are up in arms about the fact she doesn't have a claim on assets that aren't hers.
At this point it's all about why the law should be changed to limit many adults' options to account for some adults choosing to spend years drifting and taking no responsibility for their finances.

PanamaPattie · 02/04/2021 20:33

What de facto law?

Rainbowqueeen · 03/04/2021 00:43

De facto law applies in other countries not the uk @PanamaPattie

Helenahandbasket1 · 03/04/2021 00:55

He’s used you. You supported him financially when he went to uni. You have given him children and continue to do the bulk of childcare. In return you are permitted to live in his house for as long as he allows it and you are willing to put up with his bad behaviour. He gaslights you and pretends the children were all your idea so he doesn’t have to take responsibility.
If I was you I would play the long game and insist that it was my turn to be supported through uni and increase my earning power.

TheRulesDontApplyToMe · 03/04/2021 08:27

He’s done you up like a kipper. He thinks very little of you, and is protecting himself financially and quite happy to let you drown.
What a nasty cunt he is.

I’d be cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush on a regular basis.

CayrolBaaaskin · 03/04/2021 09:15

@Pbur - I don’t think you should have to opt out of sharing all your assets with someone just because you are living together. I think it should be an active choice. Two adults with no children should bear responsibility for themselves generally unless they choose otherwise imo.

I do think it’s pretty harsh for op though who has supported her dp through university, taken majority responsibility for their children. I don’t think a de facto thing is what I would like though- rather a better system of child support which takes into account disproportionate care provided by on parent and allows for transfers of assets etc

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