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Original poster

Partner wont put me on mortgage

314 replies

Mynewusername1 · 01/04/2021 19:43

Would you expect your partner to put your name on the mortgage if you were in a long term relationship?
oh says its his money as hes worked hard he has a degree etc and saved up deposit
I work but only earn min wage not educated but pay towards bills food & holidays etc...

OP posts:
Fizzgigg · 01/04/2021 20:07

@NailsNeedDoing

There’s nothing wrong with him protecting himself, it’s just the sensible thing that all adults should do if they have anything worth protecting. He’s doing the right thing by doing the vast majority of the providing for his children and their mother, he doesn’t have to sign over half of everything he’s ever worked for to be considered a good person.
I mainly agree with this but OP has put herself in a very vulnerable position by having kids with him and not being married. He could kick her out at any time and there's nothing she could do about it
wewereliars · 01/04/2021 20:07

You need to get out of of this relationship OP or face a future of destitution. Your partner is a selfish shit and will not change. If you split you will be entitled to nothing but maintance for the children.

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2021 20:08

[quote StephenBelafonte]@NoSquirrels there's no way he's gonna marry the OP now. Why would he?[/quote]
But she needs to give him the ultimatum to find out that he has no intention of it.

She needs to see his true colours clearly.

SpacePotato · 01/04/2021 20:08

In that case, he's a bit of a cunt isn't he? Leaving you to take the financial hit for the kids whilst he gets on and builds himself a nice little pile of assets, safe in the knowledge he's getting easy access to sex, children raised for free, financial help running the house and domestic chores carried out

This.

I doubt he has any intention of ever marrying you and clearly thinks very little of the contributions you have made by raising his children.

At the moment he could kick you out anytime he felt like and you would have nothing.

Howshouldibehave · 01/04/2021 20:09

@Mynewusername1

We were together before he bought it, i would have liked to have saved and paid towards the deposit too. We have dc but he says i wanted them :-/ I don’t think I would have much of a career but still could work hard to pay for it...
That would have been useful in the OP-it’s a huge piece of information that you have children.

What a tosser he’s being! Presume he works full time and you do the childcare?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 01/04/2021 20:10

I cross-posted with you saying you have kids; which changes everything.

I second @NoSquirrels

Magnificentmug12 · 01/04/2021 20:10

Also I could see why he doesn’t want to give half to you, if you split it would still be cheaper for him just to give you a few hundred every month than giving you half a house.

If I had a son I would tell him not to have you on the mortgage. If I had a daughter I would tell her not to have kids unless she is on the mortgage. That a proper conversation is had between both parties and then they can make a proper decision together. Like team up and go halves or keep everything separate, that way everyone knows what they are walking into.

The main problem is your career, get the kids into school and sort childcare and study for a career that would enable you money to support yourselve if anything should go wrong with your partner.

Honeyroar · 01/04/2021 20:11

He doesn’t sound very committed to this long term relationship. He’s not giving you an inch. You’re in a pretty shitty situation really. He holds all the cards, and he knows it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/04/2021 20:12

@StephenBelafonte

We have dc but he says i wanted them :-

In that case, he's a bit of a cunt isn't he? Leaving you to take the financial hit for the kids whilst he gets on and builds himself a nice little pile of assets, safe in the knowledge he's getting easy access to sex, children raised for free, financial help running the house and domestic chores carried out.

Absolutely this, OP.

Start salting away your money because he's told you all you need to know about your value as a partner, as the mother of his children.

I know marriage isn't the be all and the end all but it's really important to have things nailed down when you have children (preferably beforehand).

Is there any chance of you re-training so that you can look after yourself career-wise and earn more?

diwrnachoflleyn · 01/04/2021 20:12

But she needs to give him the ultimatum to find out that he has no intention of it.

She needs to see his true colours clearly.

He's made those abundantly clear for years.

wewereliars · 01/04/2021 20:12

If my son treated the mother of his children the way the OP is being treated I would be disgusted with him

WallaceinAnderland · 01/04/2021 20:13

No I wouldn't as you could take half of everything if we split.

ColourfulElmerElephant · 01/04/2021 20:13

This is why marriage is so important if one side of the relationship is going to end up so badly disadvantaged. Too many people, usually women, end up in this predicament of their own making.

bennibooboo · 01/04/2021 20:14

Is your name on the bills OP? Are you contributing to the mortgage??

oakleaffy · 01/04/2021 20:15

No way on earth would I want anyone being on the mortgage!
Absolutely NOPE.

Having seen family members go through divorce, no way would I advise anyone to put a partner on the mortgage.

Sounds selfish, but when you have lost a proportion of a house to someone, you don't want to go there again.

Buy your own place!

yaybacktoschool · 01/04/2021 20:15

Do you pay towards the mortgage or put in a % of the deposit. If not then no. If you pay to the mortgage but didn't put any deposit in, the deposit can be ring fenced to your partner in a legal contract.

december212 · 01/04/2021 20:16

I bought the house we live in before we had kids. My partner pays me a share of bills but nothing towards the mortgage - this on the condition that he contributes towards the kids savings and doesn't waste money. He bought rental property instead. So we both have houses, but live in one.

I feel secure that the house is mine, he's happy his properties are his. Maybe not possible or practical for everyone but adding him onto my mortgage for a share of property I had been paying off for years previously was not happening!

PADH · 01/04/2021 20:17

If I had a son I would tell him not to have you on the mortgage.

If my son ever treated the mother of his child this way I would be disgusted.

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2021 20:17

pay towards bills food & holidays etc...

I’d start to make sure you only pay the bare minimum essentials.

When he asks why remind him you have no financial security as you’re not married and not on the mortgage so you’re making plans to save in your sole name.

Force the issue, OP. Love is not enough. You need financial security.

DailyCandy · 01/04/2021 20:21

What an arsehole. He says you wanted the kids? Fucking leaving him and take the kids with you.

Original poster
Mynewusername1 · 01/04/2021 20:21

No all bill in his name,
I just give him money towards them each month,
The mortgage is cheap , cheaper than rent
i know now i have been daft I didn’t realise at the time we had the children how important it was.
he has kicked us out before and i had nothing so this time we are back together i do have savings incase it happens again ive told him my fears he says it wont happen again if we split up he will move out
He says he didn’t kick us out i chose to leave but it was because of his behaviour

OP posts:
wewereliars · 01/04/2021 20:21

Do people on this thread actually think that a woman, who has facilitated her partner's career and earning power by bringing up his children should be left homeless in the event of a split while he builds up a nice cushion of equity? The OP is not a ONS, she is the mother of his children. Absolutely astounding!

Twoginsonetonic · 01/04/2021 20:22

Honestly - no. Would not do it myself nor would I expect it.

diwrnachoflleyn · 01/04/2021 20:22

@Mynewusername1

No all bill in his name, I just give him money towards them each month, The mortgage is cheap , cheaper than rent i know now i have been daft I didn’t realise at the time we had the children how important it was. he has kicked us out before and i had nothing so this time we are back together i do have savings incase it happens again ive told him my fears he says it wont happen again if we split up he will move out He says he didn’t kick us out i chose to leave but it was because of his behaviour
This is unsurprising. He's selfish and a twat across the board. You are facing absolute destitution by staying with this man.
NotAPanda · 01/04/2021 20:23

In your situation with children (RTFT people!) -yes OP you should have halves on the property. Your ‘D’P does not care about securing your future at all! Please please start taking steps so that you and your children don’t end up destitué should be change his mind one day and leave.
Start saving up... take a course or similar so you can get a better career...in a position where you can hold your own. Don’t depend on a man who doesn’t value your contribution to raising his children!

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